Katie09

Well, went to an AA meeting tonight. Was not happy. I guess my question is how do you find a good meeting? What I am looking for are topic-discussion meetings. I can find something that says discussion on the website and it turns out to be a BB meeting (which does have some value) or a step meeting (which does have some value) or a tradition meeting. Tonight's meeting was on the 6th tradition. Sigh. How is this relevant to my real life situation? I've sat through so many 6th tradition meetings. I agree with the 6th tradition. I just find little to discuss about it. It's been discussed over and over. It is what it is. I'm just tired of hearing the same stuff over and over. What I really want to know is how to manage loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. And, no, I don't think the BB holds all the answers. If it did, I wouldn't be in therapy.

At any rate, I am a bit frustrated right now. With regards to good sobriety and more "mature" people, will I fare better at early morning meetings? Church meetings? Staying away from Alano clubs? Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

CarolD

Katie....
You have expressed ...time after time...your dislike of AA.
You are at odds with the program of AA
not only the meetings.

Regardless of the type of meeting or where it is held
I seriously doubt you are going to find your answers in AA.

As you already know....AA is not the only way to recover.
Please do find something that will benefit you.


.

Katie09

You might just be right, Carol. But my therapist and therapist keep encouraging me to go to AA. Truth be told, there are very few other options out there. At least where I live. Thanks for your post.

Astro

I agree with Carol, Katie, I'm not so sure you'll find the answers you're looking for or a way to "manage" these issues in AA.

In AA I've been given the tools and the spirituality to cope with these things, to accept and live life on life's terms.

Ever tried a CoDA meeting? That might be another option for you to consider. Many of us discover that our codependency led us to our addictions.

Katie09

Yes, I have tried that at the Alano club I live nearby. I liked it, at least some of the meetings that were not too 12 step focused. Perhaps I will give that another try. I went to them and thought that codependency, for me, is the root of all addiction.

One other interesting thing I noticed, as a sidenote, is the difference between meetings. Whereas a person in AA will jump in chomping at the bit to share, the CODA people wait silently for someone to talk. There is actually like 20 seconds before someone talks. In AA, one person starts talking before someone else is barely finished. At least where I live. Really quite interesting

Astro

My experience is much the same at our Tuesday CoDA meetings, we're a pretty soft-spoken crowd for the most part, many alcoholics in attendance.

Katie09

Yes, I know. I've experienced a similar thing.

slimjim30

Hi Katie,

I am seeing a doctor with a specialism in addiction medicine and hypnotherapy. I don't go to AA.

I'm finding this to work quite well. Perhaps you could ask your doctor if there is something similar where you are. If you definitely don't want to go to AA there are plenty of other options and this is just one.

Scott

tommyk

Katie - I've experienced the same thing in AA - but I ALWAYS get something from the meeting.

Sometimes I only learn something during the 'meetings before and after the meeting'... meaning talking with other people before and after the actual meeting.

For me, AA is the greatest show on Earth, nothing even compares when it comes to recovery.

Maybe, at the next meeting, look at/for the trees within the forest (the people within the group).

Maybe don't view AA as a 'program' but rather as a support system of many individual people who come to help YOU and each other...?

It goes both ways... you can help them too, and you do help just by being there.

Mark75

Yea, I am never thrilled about the tradition meetings, but I have learned a lot about how AA works and how we are supposed to act in AA. And like Tommy said, I get to be around and talk to other AAs.

My local intergroup updates their printed meeting schedules about every 6 months, they are relatively accurate... Also, do your meetings have announcement books... those will contain information on new meetings, changes in format, etc... also sometimes you can sort get an idea about the group from their announcement page.

If AA clicks for you, you will find it valuable... keep trying!!

Mark

tyler

Do you require F2F support or are you able to work on yourself more independantly. Noboday in any meeting of any kind is going to be able to give you the answer of how to fix yourself. That is a journey you have to take on your own.

I'm guessing, being that you seem to have been around for awhile, you have looked into more on-line based groups like SOS, Lifering, SMART, etc. They provide a wealth of information and worksheets that can help you discover the roots of your issues. This seems to be what you are seeking.

If you are looking for a group setting, as your theapist if they are aware of any group therapy sessions available in your area. You may have to pay for these, usually a licensed professional will "host" them and collect $10-$20 to cover their time, but I've found them to be quite helpful in the past. They don't even have to focus necessarilly on drinking, as I am one who believes that in many cases the drinking is often a symptom of an underlying problem as much as it is the problem. That's not saying drinking is not a problem, but if you don't learn how to identify and deal with the issues that are causing your to drink, there is not much hope.

At the end of the day, it is you who has to take responsibility and do the work. I use a mish mash of programs. I post here, I have and read NA/AA material, as well as materials from SMART and Lifering, I go to therapy, and I will probably start putting a few meetings into the mix soon. The idea of working the steps has grown on me over the years. When I first joined here, I was one of the most adament that 12-steps were absoultly not for me. But over they years, and too many stumbles and falls to remember, I have come to see the wisdom in them. I'm probably never going to be a 90 in 90 guy, I don't count my days (it has always been a trigger for me, fear of success I guess), and still have issues with a lot that goes on in meetings. But I can also see the good side and think it can help me. Hope some of this helps you too. Take care.

tommyk

Just an additional note -

A person has to be 'at odds' with their problems more than they are 'at odds' with AA in order for anything to work.

If someone doesn't feel their problems are bad enough there's often little use for AA, right?

Perhaps look at your life and ask, "What am I REALLY at odds with...?"

It might not be AA.

keithj

I suppose it depends on what you mean by good. After hanging around AA for a little while, sitting at generic open discussion meetings, my eyes got opened wide when I began to show up every week at a couple of primary purpose meetings, one open and one closed. Those are the rooms where I still hear the music. Solution based meetings are where you will hear about the solution.

I too, don't have a whole lot of desire in discussing Tradition 6. The value of the traditions are something I learned to appreciate by being part of a strong home group, not something I worried about in my first few meetings.

That's exactly what the steps are for. To enable us alcoholics to live a fullfilling and free life, not enslaved by our warped reactions to ordinary life circumstances. I've felt all those things in sobriety. The difference is that they are short-lived and don't rule my life. Just feelings. They come and go as a natural part of life.

I think it's really tough, Katie, when you've had significant exposure before to AA. I run into this with guys I work with. It's tough to get past the pre-existing expectation of what recovery and AA can be. That's why getting deep into one of those hard core groups is such a shock. People hear a message that they've never heard before even though they've been around AA for years. And that message either answers a lot of their struggles about sobriety, or it scares the p*ss out of them and they return back to the easier and softer comfort of group therapy in the rooms of AA.

It's a matter of figuring out what you need, although you may be the last person who really knows what you need. If you can't stay sober with therapy and pats on the back and smiling faces and hugs, you may be like me. You may need the solution actually contained in the Big Book, not the warped version heard at some meetings.

DaveBB164

You have to fit in with AA you can't change AA to suit how you think it should be.

littlebluedog

Someone at a meeting last night brought up that very subject. Very true.

freya

Bottom line is any 12 Step program is fundamentally about working the Steps. The Steps are what such a program has to offer you when it comes to overcoming whatever problems you have in your life (and I do mean "overcoming," not "managing".....within the context of a 12 Step framework the whole idea of our trying to "manage" stuff like this ourselves constitutes a major part of our problem and a major reason why we fail to recover).

You are really setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment if you go to 12 Step meetings expecting to hear any different or expecting to find a different answer there. That is kinda like expecting that you are going to go swimming and not get wet. It's just not going to work that way.
Swimming is an activity that relies fundamentally for it's very possibility on water; 12 Step recovery is an activity that relies fundamentally for its very possibility on your working the Steps.

People in the rooms are going to talk about the Steps and the Traditions and the the Principles and all of their attendant program tools most of the time because that is why they're there, that is what has worked for them, and that, therefore, is what they have to offer when it comes to recovery.

If that's irritating and boring to you, then, really, 12 Step rooms are not going to be where you want to be (totally aside from the question of whether you need to be there or not, which is, obviously, a question only you can answer) and, as Carol said, you probably need to look for something esle.

I do have one question however: Have you ever made a serious, concerted effort over a several month period of time to actually work the Steps -- say, at least through Step 5 -- with a sponsor you respected? If you haven't, you might want to ask youself why not and give some thought to how your thinking/feeling about that could be impacting your experience at and feelings about the meetings you attend.

freya

Katie09

Thanks, Tommyk, that's why I asked if I'd do better in early morning meetings. The Alano club is so close to my house that it's so easy for me to go there. But it is a very young crowd and I am not so young. I'd be more comfortable around people my age. I think they should start meetings for old people, just like they have meetings for young people.

allport

I have tried to work the steps but it is impossible to do without a belief in a higher power.

Any advice?

Katie09

Yup, I sure have. I made it through step 5 before my sponsor fired me. He (yes he, happily married man) told me I was too smart. I wasn't happy about this, as he was a good sponsor. In all these years I had never made it to 90 days (except for when I had a couple of years way back when) but I did with him. I've had many female sponsors but this guy had what I wanted. He went to AA for three or four years and then just moved on with his life happy and healthy and very functional.

Perhaps I am looking for something that just cannot be found in AA. Except there is one thing in AA and that is a lot of f2f support. That is my main reason for going there. I am just not interested in the other stuff.

Perhaps what I'll do is a mish mash of things, although my preference would not be to have to multitask too much (IOW, I would prefer to just focus on one thing only like four nights a week of the same kind of thing). I can put something together that I think will work and just write everything down in a day-timer. I'll combine the one WFS meeting with a SMART meeting with a Toastmasters meeting with the gym with aftercare with meetups.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Katie09

Yes, it is for the f2f support that I would go to AA. That's pretty much it. I do need to meet and hang out with some sober people.

Yes, I have been around. This forum is fantastic as a person gets to "talk" to others with the same issues. I have a pretty good handle on what drives my addictions (inability to manage the feelings I mentioned before). My intensive OP group does a great job of addressing this sort of stuff. I wish I could continue to work with the therapist there but he doesn't have his clinical hours in yet so he can't do one on one therapy after I complete the program.

Thanks for reminding me. There are a couple of those kind of groups here that I have attended. And I do agree it's critical to find and deal with the underlying issues or sobriety won't be for long. I think when a person is getting their needs met, there is no reason to drink.

Thanks for mentioning the mish mash idea. I guess at this point it's the one thing left to do. If I make a schedule of things to do then I'll be doing those things and not drinking.

I do appreciate all of your thoughts!