"Time Out of Mind"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
"Time Out of Mind"
Like most of you, my drinking began as an earnest attempt to have a good time. And life was good. I was in my twenties and living a breezy life in the French Quarter, making $200 a shift at a popular night spot. There were days when I was convinced that living any other way was for suckers...that a so-called 'normal' life could only be tedious and brimming with ennui and dread. In those days I honestly would not have traded places with even the most enviable of people.
Things began to slip in 2005. For a few months my then-girlfriend and I lived in another city, waiting for the lion's share of Katrina-related craziness to die down. I used to joke that I had to leave New Orleans to become a full-fledged, eight-cylinder alcoholic, but that is exactly what happened. I began drinking straight whiskey the way most people would reach for orange juice in the morning. I noticed that there was literally no functioning unless I had a a certain maintained BAC, and my priority was making sure that I had enough alcohol to achieve this goal.
It was during this time that my overall mental health took a sharp dive. I'd wake up in the morning with truly awful thoughts sounding off like belt sanders in my skull. The solution? Drown it. As you all know, this cycle can not possibly have a happy ending.
And here I am, firing off a few paragraphs to a bunch of strangers because my shame, loathing, and debilitating sadness are seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my attempts to quit drinking. I have detoxed several times, which is primarily a physical trial and, like other physical challenges, can be conquered provided that you have the will. But my problem starts weeks afterward, when I'm alone in a dark room trapped with thoughts that, no matter what I do, will not stop chiseling away at my sanity. The desperation is so great that it has often taken truly obscene amounts of alcohol just to experience the slightest respite.
Recall if you will a serious physical pain in your past, and how incredibly relieved you were when whatever prescribed or OTC drug finally afforded you some relaxation. That is EXACTLY how my alcoholism works, but with searing nightmares, grief, and other truly broken thoughts that no one should have to live with. So you see, quitting presents a unique challenge for me (as it has for each of you, I'm sure).
Boozing stopped being fun several years ago. What was once a genuine passion for Fun is now an almost perfunctory chore that is literally killing me, not to mention that it has reduced me to a shell of the man I once was. My only drive, my only ambition, is to find a way to maintain at least a basic level of intoxication so that I may function in the real world. Oh man...I do hate what I have become. Even my appearance (once a source of pride for me) has been shot to hell by years in the Night Business or other forms of abuse. I believe that my current attitude about my grooming and fitness (I seriously don't give a fark, anymore) is a classic sign of serious addiction - as if I needed any more tell-tale signs that I am a raging drunk.
I also smell just awful. My fellow alcoholics understand that smell, and it isn't because we don't shower (we do). It's a sad mix of stale cigarettes, perhaps a tinge of vomit on the breath, and that wonderful aroma of sweating out a fifth of scotch the next afternoon. It's pathetic, but is that going to stop me? What sort of humiliation is it going to take for me to finally QUIT drinking? I mean, I've already had my face and crotch ground into the dirt; how much more brutal does it need to be before I'm finally fed up?
I would like to tell everyone that I am, in fact, sober as of this post. Sometimes when I drink I am tempted to come here and vent, but I believe that it's bad form. Thank you for listening to me. I know that there will be some emoticon hugs, but really, none of that does any good. You listening does. Thanks again.
I will NOT drink this evening. May as well start now, right? My last drink was earlier this evening (7 pm CST or so). I desperately want it to have been my last.
Things began to slip in 2005. For a few months my then-girlfriend and I lived in another city, waiting for the lion's share of Katrina-related craziness to die down. I used to joke that I had to leave New Orleans to become a full-fledged, eight-cylinder alcoholic, but that is exactly what happened. I began drinking straight whiskey the way most people would reach for orange juice in the morning. I noticed that there was literally no functioning unless I had a a certain maintained BAC, and my priority was making sure that I had enough alcohol to achieve this goal.
It was during this time that my overall mental health took a sharp dive. I'd wake up in the morning with truly awful thoughts sounding off like belt sanders in my skull. The solution? Drown it. As you all know, this cycle can not possibly have a happy ending.
And here I am, firing off a few paragraphs to a bunch of strangers because my shame, loathing, and debilitating sadness are seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my attempts to quit drinking. I have detoxed several times, which is primarily a physical trial and, like other physical challenges, can be conquered provided that you have the will. But my problem starts weeks afterward, when I'm alone in a dark room trapped with thoughts that, no matter what I do, will not stop chiseling away at my sanity. The desperation is so great that it has often taken truly obscene amounts of alcohol just to experience the slightest respite.
Recall if you will a serious physical pain in your past, and how incredibly relieved you were when whatever prescribed or OTC drug finally afforded you some relaxation. That is EXACTLY how my alcoholism works, but with searing nightmares, grief, and other truly broken thoughts that no one should have to live with. So you see, quitting presents a unique challenge for me (as it has for each of you, I'm sure).
Boozing stopped being fun several years ago. What was once a genuine passion for Fun is now an almost perfunctory chore that is literally killing me, not to mention that it has reduced me to a shell of the man I once was. My only drive, my only ambition, is to find a way to maintain at least a basic level of intoxication so that I may function in the real world. Oh man...I do hate what I have become. Even my appearance (once a source of pride for me) has been shot to hell by years in the Night Business or other forms of abuse. I believe that my current attitude about my grooming and fitness (I seriously don't give a fark, anymore) is a classic sign of serious addiction - as if I needed any more tell-tale signs that I am a raging drunk.
I also smell just awful. My fellow alcoholics understand that smell, and it isn't because we don't shower (we do). It's a sad mix of stale cigarettes, perhaps a tinge of vomit on the breath, and that wonderful aroma of sweating out a fifth of scotch the next afternoon. It's pathetic, but is that going to stop me? What sort of humiliation is it going to take for me to finally QUIT drinking? I mean, I've already had my face and crotch ground into the dirt; how much more brutal does it need to be before I'm finally fed up?
I would like to tell everyone that I am, in fact, sober as of this post. Sometimes when I drink I am tempted to come here and vent, but I believe that it's bad form. Thank you for listening to me. I know that there will be some emoticon hugs, but really, none of that does any good. You listening does. Thanks again.
I will NOT drink this evening. May as well start now, right? My last drink was earlier this evening (7 pm CST or so). I desperately want it to have been my last.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
BTW, is there some sort of "Introduction" section? If so, would a moderator mind moving this there? I registered two years ago (ya, this isn't a new problem), but I believe this is my first post. It feels good to say it, though, because my real-world friends - at least the ones I haven't managed to alienate via my social withdrawal - none of them understand.
Which brings me to another point: This will require a drastic lifestyle change. I've never had a so-called straight job! Bars and nightclubs can be an outstanding life. You meet people from all around the world and you're never at a loss for good times. I have no idea what sort of career I'll need to undertake if my sobriety is going to be any sort of success. I'm gonna need to be what religious people refer to as "born again."
Yeah, that scares the hell out of me. I can't use **********; I can't even make it eight hours without cursing like a sailor. I am formally educated, but in nothing useful. Honestly, I've never done anything other that fire out 90 martinis an hour in some dark, thumping nighttime congress of peacocks. So I'm a bit terrified of not only the sobriety part, but, seriously, WTF am I going to do for a living?
Which brings me to another point: This will require a drastic lifestyle change. I've never had a so-called straight job! Bars and nightclubs can be an outstanding life. You meet people from all around the world and you're never at a loss for good times. I have no idea what sort of career I'll need to undertake if my sobriety is going to be any sort of success. I'm gonna need to be what religious people refer to as "born again."
Yeah, that scares the hell out of me. I can't use **********; I can't even make it eight hours without cursing like a sailor. I am formally educated, but in nothing useful. Honestly, I've never done anything other that fire out 90 martinis an hour in some dark, thumping nighttime congress of peacocks. So I'm a bit terrified of not only the sobriety part, but, seriously, WTF am I going to do for a living?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
Thank you for your advice, Phal. While the premise of completely reinventing yourself is !@#$! terrifying, it's also sorta cool. I mean, how many people get an opportunity to completely rebuild and reimagine themselves? If there is one thing about being at the bottom of the barrel, it's that you can really do anything...provided you get out of the barrel. I no longer have a girlfriend or anything beholding me to, well, anything. It might be like looking over a cliff, but it's somewhat exciting to consider that you really can be "born again."
/not religious
/not religious
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
It feels good to say it, though, because my real-world friends - at least the ones I haven't managed to alienate via my social withdrawal - none of them understand.
So.....how about a the basic stuff....a recovery plan, phone call, a wash, food, sleep, ...........maybe even a decent life eventually. you took an action writing here, thats a good start. I wish you well
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome nolaspiral .......
I appreciate you sharing part of your story....some of it is mine too.
I worked in D.C. many years in the hospitality industry
weird hours ...fast cash.... alcohol was my social life as well as a job.
I tried to keep working with booze while staying sober and
it just did not work for me....
But....some people can.
Anyway....first for you is de toxing from alcohol. This
can be dangerous and best to not try it alone.
Regardless of your past expereinces...this time might be harmful.
Speaking with a doctor is always a wise move. A medical
de tox is ideal.
Please do check out this link for information
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Good to see you here in our Alcoholism Forum
We do understand....and many of us are winners over alcohol
I appreciate you sharing part of your story....some of it is mine too.
I worked in D.C. many years in the hospitality industry
weird hours ...fast cash.... alcohol was my social life as well as a job.
I tried to keep working with booze while staying sober and
it just did not work for me....
But....some people can.Anyway....first for you is de toxing from alcohol. This
can be dangerous and best to not try it alone.
Regardless of your past expereinces...this time might be harmful.
Speaking with a doctor is always a wise move. A medical
de tox is ideal.
Please do check out this link for information
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Good to see you here in our Alcoholism Forum
We do understand....and many of us are winners over alcohol
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 85
You're a very good writer! I would love to read more of your thoughts and what you're feeling, maybe use the blog portion of the site, or just post some more!
You know where drinking leads, and I know how hard our addiction-addled brains try to convince us otherwise, but the longer we stay sober, the more clear the predicament becomes.
You don't ever have to drink again. And, perhaps more importantly, you don't have to drink today.
I'll spare you the perfunctory emoticon hugs you find so endearing! Hang in there, we've all been there. It does get better.
You know where drinking leads, and I know how hard our addiction-addled brains try to convince us otherwise, but the longer we stay sober, the more clear the predicament becomes.
You don't ever have to drink again. And, perhaps more importantly, you don't have to drink today.
I'll spare you the perfunctory emoticon hugs you find so endearing! Hang in there, we've all been there. It does get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
welcome to sr......you are amongst Friends and people that truly know "how you feel".......
stopping drinking can become a jumble of things you think you have to do and things your gonna have to sort out......when really first of you need to focus on one thing.......stopping.
I remember my mind racing how i was gonna sort this and that.....stop for a minute...
two points spring to mind......the first carol mentioned.....you need to see a doctor before you stop abruptly....complications with detox can be fatal.
its a REAL risk and you NEED to take advice.
The second point or plan nelco mentioned.......a basic plan......food...a shower.....sleep.....plenty of water.
And some phone calls......get support......call the AA helpline..they will come to you.
call trusted friends for support.
That will be enough for now right?.........when your sober and the fog lifts maybe you can think about sorting all the "OTHER"......stuff
keep posting here........there is a huge resource here of drunks that dont drink anymore and live happy ..contented lives without the need to drink.
feel free to pm me if you need to...trucker
stopping drinking can become a jumble of things you think you have to do and things your gonna have to sort out......when really first of you need to focus on one thing.......stopping.
I remember my mind racing how i was gonna sort this and that.....stop for a minute...
two points spring to mind......the first carol mentioned.....you need to see a doctor before you stop abruptly....complications with detox can be fatal.
its a REAL risk and you NEED to take advice.
The second point or plan nelco mentioned.......a basic plan......food...a shower.....sleep.....plenty of water.
And some phone calls......get support......call the AA helpline..they will come to you.
call trusted friends for support.
That will be enough for now right?.........when your sober and the fog lifts maybe you can think about sorting all the "OTHER"......stuff
keep posting here........there is a huge resource here of drunks that dont drink anymore and live happy ..contented lives without the need to drink.
feel free to pm me if you need to...trucker
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
Thanks, folks. I have detoxed more than once. The body is funny like that - "Oh, you think you can just feed me alcohol every day and suddenly stop? Pffft, I'll show you!" I'm not insured but I did consult a GP who prescribed librium. Honestly, it wasn't all that bad. Oh, it sucked, but the librium at the very least controls the more violent shakes, sweats, crawling skin, etc. I have a few bucks but there is no way I can afford to drop x-thousands of dollars on a supervised detox.
When I quit drinking, I am always excited and optimistic for the first week or so following detox. My body starts to feel strong again, my diet goes from cheap and quick to thoughtful and prepared, etc. I always catch myself thinking, "Wow, so this is how normal people feel!" That initial euphoria never lasts more than a week.
I'm guessing that most addicts suffer to some degree a form of mental illness. For me, that's the major obstacle. It isn't that I need booze to enjoy a football game; I need booze to avoid wanting to shoot myself. That's why I've successfully detoxed x times, but never stuck with it.
There has to be a way to replicate the optimism and resolve that those first few days or week of sobriety tend to inspire.
When I quit drinking, I am always excited and optimistic for the first week or so following detox. My body starts to feel strong again, my diet goes from cheap and quick to thoughtful and prepared, etc. I always catch myself thinking, "Wow, so this is how normal people feel!" That initial euphoria never lasts more than a week.
I'm guessing that most addicts suffer to some degree a form of mental illness. For me, that's the major obstacle. It isn't that I need booze to enjoy a football game; I need booze to avoid wanting to shoot myself. That's why I've successfully detoxed x times, but never stuck with it.
There has to be a way to replicate the optimism and resolve that those first few days or week of sobriety tend to inspire.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
..."There has to be a way to replicate the optimism and resolve that those first few days or week of sobriety tend to inspire."
yes there is imo......working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous..
it works for me........and boy did i try hundreds of "other routes"
i wanted to feel good not drinking.........i wanted to rid myself of this crazy obssesion to try the old game again..
i just wanted to feel at ease....without wanting to round off the edges all the time.
Total abstinance was sending me crazy.......one day when all other solutions had been exhausted and my ego was at a all time low.....i walked into aa with a honest desire to do what ever it takes to be like some in that room.
It wasnt easy.........but it was easier than living with my head sober.
hopefully you are like me and will find the solution to contented sobriety...plenty have here.........i aint special.
god be with you and hopefully hear from you again................trucker
yes there is imo......working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous..
it works for me........and boy did i try hundreds of "other routes"
i wanted to feel good not drinking.........i wanted to rid myself of this crazy obssesion to try the old game again..
i just wanted to feel at ease....without wanting to round off the edges all the time.
Total abstinance was sending me crazy.......one day when all other solutions had been exhausted and my ego was at a all time low.....i walked into aa with a honest desire to do what ever it takes to be like some in that room.
It wasnt easy.........but it was easier than living with my head sober.
hopefully you are like me and will find the solution to contented sobriety...plenty have here.........i aint special.
god be with you and hopefully hear from you again................trucker
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
My diagnosed situational depression is why I decided to quit and join AA.
By the end of 60 days it had vanished...has not returned.
This is not true for everyone....I suggest you try
and see if AA works for you......
Here is a list of recovery programs for consideration
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
Hope you find a way to enjoy life
By the end of 60 days it had vanished...has not returned.
This is not true for everyone....I suggest you try
and see if AA works for you......
Here is a list of recovery programs for consideration
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
Hope you find a way to enjoy life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by trucker 
..."There has to be a way to replicate the optimism and resolve that those first few days or week of sobriety tend to inspire."
yes there is imo......working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous..
it works for me........and boy did i try hundreds of "other routes"
i wanted to feel good not drinking.........i wanted to rid myself of this crazy obssesion to try the old game again..
i just wanted to feel at ease....without wanting to round off the edges all the time.
Total abstinance was sending me crazy.......one day when all other solutions had been exhausted and my ego was at a all time low.....i walked into aa with a honest desire to do what ever it takes to be like some in that room.
It wasnt easy.........but it was easier than living with my head sober.
hopefully you are like me and will find the solution to contented sobriety...plenty have here.........i aint special.
god be with you and hopefully hear from you again................trucker
yes there is imo......working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous..
it works for me........and boy did i try hundreds of "other routes"
i wanted to feel good not drinking.........i wanted to rid myself of this crazy obssesion to try the old game again..
i just wanted to feel at ease....without wanting to round off the edges all the time.
Total abstinance was sending me crazy.......one day when all other solutions had been exhausted and my ego was at a all time low.....i walked into aa with a honest desire to do what ever it takes to be like some in that room.
It wasnt easy.........but it was easier than living with my head sober.
hopefully you are like me and will find the solution to contented sobriety...plenty have here.........i aint special.
god be with you and hopefully hear from you again................trucker
I hear great things about AA and know several people whose opinion I value praise it highly. It's not that I don't think that it works. It's just not for me and I would be wasting everyone's time.
Sheer will and resolve can and has come from within people. I am not powerless over alcohol. I am under its thumb and it has clearly ruined my life, but I'm not powerless. I do, however, require help from friends and family (and librium). In short, it's just time to 'cowboy up' and take it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by keithj
AA will be there if that doesn't work out. All the best to you.
Forgive me if I am wrong. No, seriously, please forgive me. But there is a tinge of superiority in your brevity (again, I could just be cranky). That I am biased against and raw about past experiences with AA don't forgive the tone of this post, but I hope that you'll understand.
I have had water to my drowning man passed to me, before. My apparent failure to see in AA what so many others do does not mean that I am less able to conquer my demons. That I'm finally posting here after having been a registered member for two years is a start; that I haven't had a drink in several days is another - and also the reason I sound cranky.
I do have a 50 ct. of librium (the other times I had 20?) and the time off. I have also moved, which is why I haven't been here in the days since the OP. I'm sure that x number of "I gotta quit" types run through here every month and are never heard from again.
I do not want to be one of those people. Registered in 2007 when things were just as bad as they are now, but I always found a way to "puss" out of the hill we all have to climb.
Again, my apologies for the bitterness evident in this reply. I suck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by trucker
Im not arrogant enough to think my way is the only way..
Others have found other ways...
i wish you the best of luck to find your solution...
please keep posting your progress.
Others have found other ways...
i wish you the best of luck to find your solution...
please keep posting your progress.
/I do miss being chemically oblivious, tho. Now I'm just dry-stupid.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 35
Forgive me for jumping in as a non-alcoholic, wife of a prescription drug abuser, with a medical background (just thought I'd state my position from the start).
I know many people disagree with this as an "excuse" or explanation for alcoholism, but to me, it reads clearly as if your alcohol abuse is above all an attempt to self-medicate a significant psychiatric problem.
Librium- a benzodiazepine, yes? Primarily for anxiety symptoms.
What you have described sounds far more consistent with life-threatening depression. Have you ever been prescribed an antidepressant?
You have already demonstrated your ability to STOP drinking (albeit for limited periods)- but if abstinence unmasks an overwhelming depression, it is hardly surprising you respond by drinking again. I would do the same. And there's no reason to expect you to do any different next time, unless you concurrently address your psychiatric issues.
I have no idea about the state of mental health services in your area, but I implore you to prioritize finding a psychiatrist who is experienced with dual diagnosis patients. Librium and alcohol isn't the answer.
As to how you will earn a crust and fill your days when you are a non-drinker, I would suggest that your skill with words holds the answer.
All the best.
I know many people disagree with this as an "excuse" or explanation for alcoholism, but to me, it reads clearly as if your alcohol abuse is above all an attempt to self-medicate a significant psychiatric problem.
Librium- a benzodiazepine, yes? Primarily for anxiety symptoms.
What you have described sounds far more consistent with life-threatening depression. Have you ever been prescribed an antidepressant?
But my problem starts weeks afterward, when I'm alone in a dark room trapped with thoughts that, no matter what I do, will not stop chiseling away at my sanity. The desperation is so great that it has often taken truly obscene amounts of alcohol just to experience the slightest respite.
I have no idea about the state of mental health services in your area, but I implore you to prioritize finding a psychiatrist who is experienced with dual diagnosis patients. Librium and alcohol isn't the answer.
As to how you will earn a crust and fill your days when you are a non-drinker, I would suggest that your skill with words holds the answer.
All the best.
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
I need booze to avoid wanting to shoot myself.
That's why I've successfully detoxed x times, but never stuck with it.
There has to be a way to replicate the optimism and resolve that those first few days or week of sobriety tend to inspire.
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
Nola, I love reading your posts, not only because as others have said you are a terrific communicator, but also because you sound so much like me 23 months ago.
I will just offer to you that you seem to be looking for some sort of psychic change to help you with your drinking. If I am not correct, then please let me know, but it would seem that one would be necessary to cause someone who otherwise wants to drink all the time (and has repeatedly proven unable to stop) to, in fact, stop.
I will also offer that perhaps A.A. works because it's a counterintuitive approach. I beat myself into a pulp trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole, and no matter how much it beat me or exhausted me, I became convinced that if I just tried a little harder...
I believe Keith is speaking from experience when he suggests that most of us came to A.A. grudgingly, because we had little choice, had tried everything else. I pray that you find a way that works for you. But A.A. will never turn you away because you disparaged A.A. or rejected God. None of us would be here if that were the case.
I will just offer to you that you seem to be looking for some sort of psychic change to help you with your drinking. If I am not correct, then please let me know, but it would seem that one would be necessary to cause someone who otherwise wants to drink all the time (and has repeatedly proven unable to stop) to, in fact, stop.
I will also offer that perhaps A.A. works because it's a counterintuitive approach. I beat myself into a pulp trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole, and no matter how much it beat me or exhausted me, I became convinced that if I just tried a little harder...
I believe Keith is speaking from experience when he suggests that most of us came to A.A. grudgingly, because we had little choice, had tried everything else. I pray that you find a way that works for you. But A.A. will never turn you away because you disparaged A.A. or rejected God. None of us would be here if that were the case.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by nolaspiral
Thank you for sharing. I have to admit, I am not into AA. I understand that belief in God is not mandatory, but I have trouble even surrendering my life to any sort of higher authority, even if it's just some ambiguous 'power.' It's not because I am a jerk who won't - it's because I'm wired in such a way that I can't, at least no more than I can honestly say that your blue shirt is red.
Check out the Secular Connections forum.
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