Benjamin33

I have a few questions and would sincerely appreciate any feedback that anyone feels that would help me. I know some may have some harsh things to say about my situation, but I don't mind. Perhaps I need to hear that, I don't know.

First, let me give a brief recap of my story. I have been a relatively heavy drinker for all of my adult life and often mixed in copious amounts of drugs as well, particularly cocaine. About four years ago, I got fired from a wonderful job due to excessive partying. I was using around 1/4 oz. cocaine per week. Both snorting and I.V. I was also using xanax, pain killers, etc....and of course drinking. After I got fired from that job, I was actually relieved. About 4 months and a lot of money, I was broke and my vehicle was taken by the bank. This freaked me out and I broke down and called Mommy and Daddy and they came to get me. I moved in with my Pops and quit all drugs as I believed this was my problem. Sure, I dabbled here and there, but eventually stop using drugs completely. But I still drank. Everyday.

Fast Forward 4 years to a new job, new friends, etc....Still drinking. My drinking got to the point that my new job started suffering and I lost it too after going on a couple of benders and not calling to tell them where I was and what I was doing. After these benders, I decided to stop drinking on my own and after a couple of days, I started having seizures and had to go to the E.R. This was the first time I have ever tried to stop drinking. After the E.R. visit, I didn't drink for 10 days, and never actually intended to stop drinking as I thought that I had just let myself get out of hand and that the doctors were just trying to scare me into sobriety.

Around 40 days later, I felt that I had let this happen again. I was drunk, and decided to call my girlfriend and tell her that I needed help to get sober up as I was afraid that I might have anther seizure or two without medical attention. Off I went to detox. I started attending aa meetings the day I got home from detox. I haven't had a drink since May 1. (38 days) UNTIL YESTERDAY. I had to go to a funeral yesterday, and stopped on my way out of town for lunch. I had three beers with lunch and left the restuarant, went home with no problem and no desire to have anymore. Am I now doomed to repeat the past? I don't plan on drinking again anytime soon, so does that mean I am a real alcoholic or not? I had no problem leaving the bar after those three beers. The book says that to try some controlled drinking if you are not sure that you are a real alcoholic. I did and it worked.

Please give any feedback that you think may help.

keithj

The book says to try it more than once. Say, two drinks, no more, no less, for a month. The worst consequence that can come from a sober alcoholic taking a drink is nothing. No consequences whatsoever. I'm just fine now. Some time (38 days) sober has cured me.

I don't know if you are an alcoholic or not. But I do know that you had to detox to get sober. And yet a month later you are drinking again. You are unable to stay sober apparently. Try leaving it alone for a year.

My alcoholism was like crossing an invisible line. I'm not sure when, but at some point I crossed it. Once crossed, I can not go back and be non alcoholic. The ability to have a drink and not suffer negative consequences does not change that fact of my alcoholism.

Benjamin33

Thank you so much for your input. I know my post was really long and that will prevent many from reading it. "When you say try two drinks, no more, no less for a month." What do you mean? Do you mean two drinks everyday or just once a month. I am definately not going to drink two drinks everyday as I am almost certain that much would put be over the edge again. I would undoubtedly drink more than two at some point and then I might be right back where I was.

smacked

I don't think it matters in the scheme of things whether you're a "real alcoholic" or not.. but I know that's important to distinguish to a lot of people. I have found round here lately that it's becoming more of an excuse "I'm not a real alcoholic per the big book, so I don't have a problem" kind of thinking. If you were drinking to the point that detoxing resulted in seizures, I'm not sure why you WOULDNT think that was a major problem.

Why even risk it? Is alcohol, even "controlled drinking" THAT important to you? That might be a lil red flag right there as well.

Be well, and stay safe. I know the only way for me to do both is not to drink..

FightingIrish

NIAAA defines moderate/safe drinking as no more than two drinks per day.

I have a friend who started out as a heroine/pill addict and then stopped all drugs and became an alcoholic. He now identifies as such.

Drinking to the point of needing to detox is a sign of alcoholism. (According to NIAAA and AA...yes, AA includes a broad diagnostic questionnaire on its website, if not in the Big Book itself.)

One instance of controlled drinking does not prove anything. I did that many times throughout my alcoholic career. Do it for a year. Don't drink for a year. Don't progress past that point for an extended period of time. If you are indifferent to alcohol use (you can take it or leave it), you are probably not alcoholic.

Your life is unmanageable due to drinking, that is a sure sign of trouble and drinking, if not alcoholism.

I guess the most important question is, are your troubles because of your drinking and do you want to live that way? If you are not an alcoholic, you will have no trouble drinking like a gentleman.

Benjamin33

You make very good points. Why am I so concerned with being able to drink in a controlled fashion? I don't know. Maybe its just the fact that I still can't seem to accept the fact that I have a mental and physical defect that makes me different from most other people. Maybe its just my addiction telling me this stuff to entice me back into the black hole of alcoholism. My point is that how will I ever completely surrender and give myself to the sobriety lifestyle, if I don't know FOR SURE that I can't drink in a controlled fashion? The first step is, in effect to come to the realization that alcohol has made my life unmanageable and that I am a true alcoholic. How can I go on in the program, if I don't know this for sure?

McGowdog

"I know some may have some harsh things to say about my situation, but I don't mind. Perhaps I need to hear that, I don't know."

No. You need endure no lectures. And don't appologize for a seemingly long post. It read pretty quick for me.

I'm an alcoholic and I identified with your story. I never had seisures, but saw them a couple of times at detox/treatment centers. Usually happens about 3 or 4 days after being abruptly separated from booze. I thought the treatment center had some way of preventing those... valium or something but I'm not a doctor and don't understand all of that.

Please don't read one line or two that you identify with and determine if you're an alky or not. I'd go further... maybe consider reading Dr's Opinion to the end of More About Alcoholism.

Whether you're an alcoholic or not, identify as one or not, you could die. Please take care of yourself and get the help you need and don't beat yourself up for the 3 beers. I've started over many times and there's no person, no human power, guilt, shame, remorse, etc. that would stop me.

Hope this helps.

smacked

Well, maybe because you're an alcoholic? I have no idea. Mental obsession gets the best of us.

Don't get hung up on definitions.. you might not have a defect, but drinking the way you have in the past will kill you, defects or not.

Maybe you wont, and a lot of people die trying to find that out.

keithj

I meant daily. Two drinks a day, every day, no more no less, for a month. It's not in the Big Book, but it conforms to the moderate/safe drinking standard posted.

Why would you be unwilling to do this if you weren't sure you couldn't? That's the whole point of asking the question, and you've already answered it. Can you drink normally, as defined by the two drink thing, or are you sure you would end up drinking more than the alloted two on some of those days? You already know the answer. You would undoubtedly drink more and you would be right back where you were. Welcome to the right place, my friend.

I don't have a good answer to this. You already answered the question. Remember that honesty is required. You need question it no further. Now get busy with the steps

coffeenut

But you know right now if alcohol is a problem in your life, don't you?

If you need an excuse to 'find out' if you are alcoholic, you'll find it.

It took me 30 years to figure it out. I hope it doesn't take you that long.

Best wishes to you.

ClaretandBlue

It really sounds like you're looking for someone to convince you that you're a "real" alcoholic. No one can do that for you, but I'll see if I can help a bit.

I might have skimmed some parts, so if I get the details wrong, forgive me.

Person A lost more than 1 job due to alcohol/drug abuse. Person A went to detox. Person A lost a car due to alcohol/drug abuse. Person A recognizes this behavior is negatively influencing Person A's life, but Person A continues to flirt with that behavior.

From an outsider's perspective, what do you think about that? Personally, I see some pretty classic addict behavior.

As some have mentioned, the controlled drinking in the big book is suggested for those who think they *might* be able to control their drinking. It mentions trying controlled drinking for a year, not just one day at lunch. I guess my biggest issue with that is that if you have to *try* to control your drinking, there's a problem. "Normal" (i.e. non-alcoholic) people don't even think about controlled drinking, it's just a normal process for them. To me, just making the effort to do controlled drinking is indicative of a problem.

Every meeting we hear the phrase "we tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." That is you we're talking about my friend! It was me too, so I really understand your situation. You won't stay sober until you give up on alcohol. It took me years to get there, but I've given up. I lost the battle, alcohol and drugs won. I quit trying to battle them, because in the end, they always, always won. The only way to win, is to not play the game.

Hope that helps, and if that came across as too negative or accusatory, I apologize, but sometimes these things need to get beat into our heads.. I was no different!

Hang in there, best of luck

C&B

Benjamin33

I don't feel that you were accusatory or negative. I want to hear the truth about what other alcoholics/addicts think about my situation, whatever that may be. And you are right, looking at Person A, I would conclude that he/she needs to get his/her s*hit together. Thanks for the feedback.

Mark75

I think a good NON-SUBJECTIVE way to look at this would be the unmanageability. ClaretandBlue said it well.... Stop drinking, get your sanity back... then work through step one... with someone, another alcoholic.

bugsworth

Benjamin... You already lost 2 jobs due to your drinking habit...do you really need anymore evidence that drinking is harmful to you? The whole debate regarding "real" alcoholics is bogus...drinking is negatively affecting your life and my advise would be to quit anyway you can. AA isn't the only way in fact a large number of people quit on their own....bottom line is do you want to quit?

Benjamin33

Yeah, I see what you are saying. Up until a few days ago, I thought that I had step one accomplished. From the very beginning of my entrance into A.A, I have said that I have no problem admitting to step one. But, now it seems that I have regressed and I'm not even sure about it anymore. Lots of work to do, I guess. This stuff isn't easy. That is for sure.

Benjamin33

That is the million dollar question. I don't know if I want to quit completely. Sure, alcohol and drugs have had a severely negative impact on my life. That in and of itself was not something I was willing to admit to prior to the last 3 months of my life. But, I can't help thinking that many of the folks in the recovery community are full of sh*t. I am the quintessential skeptic. Also, I have that lingering suspicion that I might be able to control my drinking now that I have, in fact, realized how much being a drunk has negatively affected my life.

bugsworth

As you say it is the million dollar question...one only you can answer. I didn't quit until I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I know in my experience I can't control my drinking once I start...so I don't start...problem solved.

FightingIrish

Honest and fair. You will know.

ClaretandBlue

That's a big step, you can't get help with a problem until you realize it is a problem! That's good work, don't sell yourself short there.

I know about not being sure if I wanted to quit. There were times in my life where it seems absolutely impossible to imagine never drinking again. How in the hell do people do that?

But if that scares you (it scared the sh!t outta me), you need to look at WHY that scares you. Eventually I came to the conclusion that it scared me because it meant I was powerless over it. It wasn't so much the addiction part, but admitting that I was "broken" in some way.. That I wasn't normal, or special, and that there really was something wrong with me. I couldn't (or didn't want) to admit that for years. That's why it's the first step, because it's so important to recovery.

Trust me, I know it's a damn scary thing to admit you're powerless over anything, but believe me when I say that by admitting it (I mean really, really just giving up) you set yourself free. When you accept the problem, you can also accept the solution.

You don't have to do it this minute, tonight or even tomorrow, but just think about it.

C&B

Freedom1990

It would probably be difficult to go on in the program. When I first went to rehab, I had no doubt whatsoever that I had a problem with drugs, but alcohol I wasn't so sure about.

However, my then AH had gone through rehab before me, immediately went back to drinking/shooting dope the same day he got out, and it scared me enough to keep an open mind about being an alcoholic.

I stayed clean/sober for 4 years. Somewhere along the way I quit doing a lot of the things I had originally done to stay sober, I got myself involved in yet another sick relationship, and I began to doubt I was an alcoholic.

I thought I could go out for one night, get completely wasted on alcohol, and then jump right back into AA.

Needless to say, the alcoholic in my brain had been driving the bus for awhile before I picked up that first drink again.

That attempt failed miserably because once I consumed alcohol, I again experienced the phenomenom of craving. The beast was awake within.

The second time I drank, I blacked out. I had never been a blackout drinker before. I woke up the next morning at home, having no idea how I got there. My car was in the garage, and I had hit the back wall of the garage, smashing my oldest daughter's bicycle between the fender and the wall. I had no idea if I had hit anyone on the way home the night before. I had no memory of anything past the second drink.

I was out there binge-drinking for two months, and I can't begin to describe the fear, hopelessness, and shame that I experienced. It was unbearable between binges. I was restless, irritable, and discontented.

I was truly blessed to make it back to the rooms of AA. Today I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am an alcoholic.

I say get out there, drink, and give it your best shot like I did.

Alcohol is the great pursuader.