DrunkenGirl

It's a miracle that nothing bad happened last night, though I did talk to a friend of mine for 25 minutes and don't remember it. Nothing.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

serenityqueen

Quote:

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Because you're an alcoholic. I know that sounds like sarcasm, but it's honestly not. What are you doing for your Recovery?

DrunkenGirl

I was sober for nine years. can you believe it? Nine whole years without even wanting to drink. I would actually get "hangovers" from sleeping pills, my body was so pure.

I was married to an alcoholic. Instead of drinking I spent a lot of time being angry at him and feeling superior. Why couldn't he just stop like I did?

My how the tables have turned.

It's not hard to be sober. Being a drunk is hard. Way harder. I could just end it here - just stop again.

Something keeps tripping me up and it's my own head. My secret to sobriety was simple - I learned that my thoughts before I drink are delusional. I delude myself into thinking that drinking is going to make me feel good and I'm going to have fun, when the reality is opposite. I learned how to remember that alcohol is going to make me feel bad when I'm under the delusion it's going to make me feel good. I must remember this again.

To answer your question - I am going to go to a meeting this afternoon. I am trying to think things through. I am trying to get back to where I was with sobriety.

DrunkenGirl

I just looked at my past posts. I was here whining about this almost a year ago. Ugh, time flies.

serenityqueen

Glad to hear you're going to a Meeting today. Sounds like a very wise decision. Did you go to Meetings and work the Steps before? I've shared this many times on here, but in case you were one of the few people who missed it, I first put myself into treatment in 1980,trying to kick a bad addiction to, well, anything. I thought that abstinance was all that I needed to do. How wrong was I? I bounced in and out for the next 25 years until I finally surrendered. I decided that I HAD to go to any length in order to stay clean and sober. I started going to Meetings again, but this time, I decided that maybe, just maybe, sitting in the Meetings wasn't enough. I got a Sponsor, began to work the Steps, was brutally honest with everything and developed a relationship with God that has literally saved my life.

DrunkenGirl

No. I didn't work anything when I was sober. This will be hard because I don't really have much faith in anything but myself.

DrunkenGirl

I hate this feeling, this low-grade horror. Seasickness. Off balance. Nothing truly bad happened but I feel like it did. I guess cause I know it's just luck. The only thing that saved me was luck. Of course look at all the things I had to check - my phones, texts, emails, facebook - to make sure I didn't humiliate myself.

Of course my son isn't awake yet - maybe something happened there. I don't think so. He's grown but it must be tons of fun to have your mom wondering around the house half in the bag and blacked out.

I really suck, now don't I?

coffeenut

Doesn't matter if your son is grown or not. He deserves a sane parent. And you deserve a sane you. Are you ready to quit?

ANGELINA243

Alcoholism is a progressive disease--whether we are "actively drinking" or not. A meeting sounds like a good idea. Will you be willing to accept help from others? You may not have a choice where your disease is concerned, but you most definitely have a choice in where your recovery in concerned. Let us know how everything went. We do recover from a hopeless state of mind and body--but just takes some action on our part.

ruch

Thank you so much for sharing. I felt myself teetering on the edge today and believe your post along with allowing my mind to fast foward a bit was integral in snapping me out of it.

I hope you find your way towards sobriety. I know exactly the awfulness you are experiencing right now. Been there so many times, it truely is horrific. Best of luck to you.

flutter

Reading that gave me goosebumps.. that's how I grew up too, and I will never ever forget how that felt. Reading this also completely breaks my heart for your son, how devastating.. I hope you find a way back to sobriety, I really do

DrunkenGirl

Fortunately I have been sober for most of his life except for the last year and a half. Well, it wasn't fortune, it was a decision I made to be sober and it was for his sake. One I can make again too, but it's easy to say I'm going to change now when I feel ******.

CarolD

Welcome back to SR....
glad you are making a plan.

My recovery required action....

splendra

My last hangover is what really got me sober. I was so bad I felt like yuck for several days. I had been clean for 3 months when I decided to pull a drunk the hang over from hell hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been clean for over a year when I got pregnant with my son and stayed sober thru out the rest of my son's life. 20 something years sober now. My my how time flies!!

HappyMia

My last hangover was about a week ago. That's the last time I drank. What pushed me to stop was the fact that I had this acute horrible pain in my kidneys and liver. It scared the crap out me. I knew that moment if I did not stop that I would die. I had to make a choice: live and be sober or die drunk. I'm serious when I say I am scared to death to drink. I want to live a long happy life.

Today is my 7th day sober and I am so happy. I'm still having some issues with sleep, but WOW! I cannot believe how much better I feel. I have all this energy, this motivation and drive, and I can actually feel my feelings (good, bad and in between). I am so thankful that I have found this.

I am glad that you are planning on attending meetings. Personally, I had a hard time at meetings because I thought they were rather triggering when I went. But I found the most amazing book called "A women's way through the 12 steps". It's an easy read and I think you would find it useful.

Good luck to you...and to all of us!

joedris

Dear Drunk, Stop beating yourself up. You have a disease. By going to AA meetings you're doing something about this. It's not hard to be sober but it is hard getting sober. Keep doing what you're doing. Just take it one day at a time. It gets easier as time goes by.

serenityqueen

(((DrunkenGirl))) I hope you went to the Meeting. Don't make the mistake like I did and keep beating yourself up over this. It's a vicious cycle, ashamed that you used and then use because you're ashamed, then being ashamed again, so using again . . .

Quote:

But I found the most amazing book called "A women's way through the 12 steps". It's an easy read and I think you would find it useful.

I have this book and it is fantastic. It's a very different, deeper look at the Steps, focusing on women. I'd highly recommend it to any woman with any type of addiction, even if you don't go to Meetings.

Judy

WantsOut

Hi SQ- I am feeling much better today. I am not going to awfulize what happened, but I'm not going to excuse it either. One thing I have always been proud of is my ability to acknowledge reality. I think I am doing that here. I am confident that I'm going to be ok. Seeing that I was posting the same stuff (and you were replying to me) a year ago helps me realize I've been playing myself here.

Amazonqueen522

Keep coming back! until its beating into you,

Welcome back,

gravity

Actually, this is where my path has taken me. In a spiritual sense, I believe that the answers & the strength come from within.

It has been a spiritual journey - the 12 steps, listening to the experiences of others, many different spiritual teachings, and my own experiences.

It hasn't been easy, keeping an open mind and willingness to learn, my old beliefs proven wrong.

Removal of the obsession to drink was only the beginning of a much greater awakening.