siamcat

Fri 6pm I'm just going to buy a six pack, have a few beers, watch the game, go to bed early. Gotta work early tomorrow so not too much, it'll help my insomnia, help me get rid of this pack of cigarettes, help relax my manic mind...

9pm Only two left, might as well finish the other two, two beers alone is lonely and I want them FUNK it! I deserve to drink once a gawdamm month right? It's summer, It's Friday, everyone who works Saturdays works with a hangover. Sh*t, I should call my brother, I have to work out the details of our Chicago trip, he's fighting with my father and they're both flying there together, I need another pack of cigarettes, I WON'T buy more beer at the store, just some cigarettes...

10:30pm I'm really glad I bought the two 20oz's with the six pack, it's a good primer, I'll call John now, after I swig this second tall one down for prep, another moderator phonecall to funked up family, I'll need the extra few....

11:15pm Discussing situation, being too honest with brother, told me he envied me for my freedom, told him not to envy me, told him specifically WHY not to envy me, talked about my depression, alcoholism, lonliness? social phobias? suicidal thoughts? no one in my family has ever known about any of this, EVER, and I want them never to... dream or memory? dream or memory? I'm not sure, .. I remember heated words, yelling, was that in the middle or the end of the conversation? I don't remember. There is a second call on my phone to him minutes after we hung up. Did he hang up on me? Did I try to call him back? I don't remember. Maybe we lost the connection. Maybe I ended in weeping. How big a fool did I make of myself? Maybe it was all fine, maybe I was honest and he was accepting? Maybe that part was a dream afterwards, I don't remember, I DON'T remember! dream or memory?

Sat 5:15am Ipod Alarm goes off, Violent Femmes, 'Nightmares', how apropos, my ipod haunts me... There's spilled wax all over the arm of my couch, thank GOD the candle is not still burning! My watch, my hat and some cd's caked in wax, candle on the floor. Overspilled beer next to unopened beer next to candle next to pile of cigarette butts next to self esteem... Windows wide open. How much did my neighbors hear? I was listening to loud music at (1am?) after I got off the phone, singing, how loud was I singing? No hangover, too soon for that, wide awake, only tiny nagging in the back of my head foreboding my coming punishment...

6:30am At work, thank god i work alone today, have to go up soooo many stairs, feel good, light, but like I'm slowly sinking every step, it's hot in here, REALLY hot, sweat smells like beer, where did all this sand in my eyes come from? ...is gravity shifting? Was that just a tremor? No, I don't live in the northwest anymore, where am I, yes, ok, midwest, maybe wind, am I going to pass out? Maybe I should gag myself, puke up... puke up what? I didn't eat last night, I must have forgotten to, only drank and drank and drank, how many? 13 at least, somehow, i'm appauling... I've no way out of this...

10am I HATE the sun! Why can't it sleep today? I miss Seattle, at least there was no pounding, retching, mocking sunshine!! Holy crap, what did I tell John last night? What did my neighbors hear? Why did I do this NOW?! I have to SEE him next week! Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!!!!! I HATE this, I hate myself, how can I end this all today? No, I don't want that, it would be easier, it would be kinder, it's MY fault! It's MY FAULT! There's no way out, this is crushing me, my head pounds, my nerves frizzle, my chest feels heavy, I smoked two packs of cigs last night? WTF!? I can't stop hearing myself talking to myself when I'm not saying anything in my mind. That girl looks plastic,... is this real? Am I real? Please please please PLEASE be a dream!?!

2pm A few more hours, food felt good, I'm soooo sleepy I could die, I think my brain is about to short out, I feel the frazzled ends zapping randomly through my forehead to the back of my skull, my eyes mechanically flinching, my consciousness trembling, heart hesitating, somehow going on, human design was good, somehow keep going....

5:30pm Can you overdose on St. Johns wort? I took twelve today, it was necessary, it's the only reason I'm able to allow myself the privilege to steal breath from the world anymore, I don't deserve it, I don't deserve to live, I don't want to EVER talk to ANYBODY ever again! What do you call beneath shame? Can there be definition for such a piercing depth of hopelessness? It doesn't matter, NOTHING matters, I want this all, all of this to end, I don't care how, just soon...

6pm Walking home, joggers, couples walking dogs, beer cans discarded on the street from Friday night frivolities, why does everyone look so happy? How do THEY deal with life? Haven't they been hurt? Haven't they hurt themselves before? Why am I not one of them? Why is there no one for me to love? To love me? Why is it so EASY for them? What is wrong with me? Why do I know no one here? I've lived here for a year now! Why does Saturday MEAN anything anyway!? funking happy deluded faces, they only THINK they're happy, they're robots, automatons, I hate them,... I HATE THEM ALL!!!!

7pm Laying in bed, rotten soul, rotten brain, rotten body, I stink of failure, I can't begin to digest it all...

suki44883

Wow! That was a great description! I hope neither of us ever have to go through that again.

barb dwyer

wow.
vivid.
brings back memories.

are you liviung this now, or did you write this remembering a while ago?

It's good writing, hon.

siamcat

That was last Friday, I'm still recovering from it mentally, spiritually, and even a little bit physically.

barb dwyer

hooRAY for you, then!!!

(whew)

and it's good writing, no kidding.

SelfSeeking

Sounds familiar. Thank you for this post.

CarolD

That really can be the last time you feel so miserable.

Get to a meeting....you too can find a new life.
Action....my recovery required action.

HideorSeek

Thank you Siamcat for the post. The despair and self loathing is something that I MUST keep in the forefront of my brain in order to maintain sobriety. I'm glad you have made it through the week. We never have to go through this again...posts like yours make me ask myself "why do we put ourselves through such h&ll"????

I HATE this disease.

MagicMan08

I will elaborate on this....find a meeting, a good sponsor, and WORK THE STEPS! They say only going to meetings is the fellowship part, but not the program. I know only going to meetings helped, but it didn't keep me sober.

tommyk

That conscious and willing sober choice to buy a 6 pack started it all.

DrunkenGirl

Yes Tommy, no doubt the sober choice to pick up starts it all, but for me this happens when I am delusional. I get in the grip of this delusion that alcohol is going to make me feel good. It's the delusional thinking must be overcome.

tommyk

Alot of people can go around and around about this - but - when you have delusional thinking you still have choices - pick up the phone, go to a meeting, visit a friend, go for a drive in the country, etc.

I am one of the most delusional thinkers on the planet. I don't believe I will EVER overcome my delusional thinking.

(But for me there is one choice that is absolutely NOT to be chosen.)

It is the choice to drink that starts it all, NOT the thinking - the choice to drink, the action.

(Just my opinion and what has kept me sober, by the grace of God, for 15 years.)

I hope this all helps someone. You can think anything you want, you just can't drink. Lots of people think about commiting crimes - rape, theft, murder, etc... but it isn't the 'thinking' that puts them in jail - it is the ACTION taken. The ACTION, not the thoughts, causes people to drink. Think whatever you like, but "don't pick up the first one".... right?

DrunkenGirl

In order to make a choice there has to be a thought process before it. You don't decide to make a sandwich without thinking about it first. I'm not implying in any way that an alcoholic doesn't have conscious control over drinking, I'm saying that there is a process that happens before the drinking - it's the thinking. Learn to understand where your thinking goes wrong and you are more likely to stay sober. Now I'm not talking 10 years of therapy to talk out your disease - I mean a very practical effort to recognize and deal with your own stinkin thinkin.

suki44883

I agree with you, DGirl. There is a thought process and that's when we need to catch ourselves and recognize that stinkin' thinkin'.

MagicMan08

As they always say, the relapse has started far before you take that first drink.

siamcat

I don't know. I believe the thought processes leading up to drinking are very crucially important, but I'm not sure if a relapse starts until that pivotal point where all possibility of resistance is rendered moot by the first sip of alcohol. That's the point, for me, when my conscious (almost audibly) sighs in relief and I resign myself to seeing it through to the end. I don't know why, but it's always been very difficult for me to 'dump out' the rest. It's not as if that first sip transforms me into a raging, nonsensical, feral beast, it's not as if all my common sense suddenly disappears with that tenth of a beer, but that is my 'point' these days.

There was a time not so long ago where my point came much sooner, I had much less fight in me then. Sometimes that point would come hours, if not days before. I have 'planned' slips weeks ahead actually, if you want to know the truth. When I first tried to quit it was not so far from the holidays, and I was traveling back east. This was still a time where I'd hang out with old 'friends' when I went home. At first I talked a lot of crap about staying sober and bla bla bla but about three weeks from the day I flew out I simply gave up. It was too exhausting to have to try to think about contingency plans, awkward scenarios, temptations, weathering both family AND friends with no social lubricant. It was driving me insane, feeding my ulcer, and exacerbating an already deepening depression wrapped up in social anxiety. In short, it just wasn't worth it, or that's what I convinced myself at the time. Now, I'm not so sure. Maybe it's like putting off doing your taxes until April 14th, they're gonna suck no matter what, but if you get the bulk of the work done immediately it makes it much much easier later on....

Anyway, I'm wandering. My point is that it doesn't matter at what point we define our relapses as being conceived, I think that's as open to definition as it comes. I would like to push mine back past that first sip actually, be able to say 'No, funk this, just because I've taken a gulp of beer does not condemn me to drinking a hundred more gulps tonight'. The very few times that I've been able to do this in my life have felt very very good. If you think it feels 'good' to have a few beers after a long drought, try buying a six pack with the FULL intention of finishing it, taking a few sips of one beer, standing up and deciding to dump the rest down the sink. I'll tell you, it's a better high than you'll ever get from the alcohol.

MagicMan08

It was explained better in treatment (the whole relapse starts before the drink) but it essentially boils down to feeling those cravings and wanting to act on it and not doing anything to stop yourself from getting to that point.

For example, I would be like "I am gunna go to the liquor store and get a 40" When I am feeling that strong notion, I need to talk to someone about it. Because I think we all know WE can convince ourselves it will be only a little bit and okay.....but talking to an outside person, just like in other aspects of life, can bring another perspective and take your mind off of the craving. I feel like I am rambling, but the entire sobriety thing is really what WE make of it. No one thing is the key for everyone.

CarolD

Regardless of anything else......for me to stay sober

I had to want sobriety more than I wanted to drink.

Not everyone really wants a sober future.
Darn shame.....

siamcat

I doubt there's anyone that comes to a recovery website who doesn't 'really want' a sober future, there are just more shades of grey than wanting it enough or not. Addictions are like that, all of them. If you want to call me weak for not being ABLE to stay sober then go for it, but please don't imply that I don't want it enough. That's to say I'd rather see people I love suffer, myself slowly die each day, wishing for death more than life to end the shame, and that's not an accurate nor a fair statement.

Yea MagicMan, a slip can certainly start long before you drink, but even after that first sip you have a choice, or can have a choice, it's a shifting algorithm, and I think getting 'constants' out of mind are the best thing for it. Like, 'I already bought the liquor, I HAVE to drink it now'. This statement seems idiotic of course, but I bet more than a few of you have said this to yourself and made it sound completely rational, like it was the law or something. Anyway, I'm working a lot on that. For awhile I've lost my will to refute, which I used to be pretty good at. Taking myself through the 'process' is a big part of that, that's why I started this thread, so I could go back and LOOK at my entire slip experience, and decide then if I have to drink the liquor I bought. It's a good option for those of us who don't have some other real person to call during cravings anyway.

Ago

I could analyze all of this until I was blue in the face and drunk again, quite frequently I would find myself with a beer or drink in my hand with no idea how it got there....literally have no recollection, somehow just found myself in the bar drinking....this went on for years, self knowledge availed me nothing.

My Answer?

Don't think

Don't Drink

Go to meetings

Raise my hand

Ask for help

Ask for a sponsor

Work the steps with someone who had worked the steps with a sponsor

Trust God, clean house

Help others

The truth of the matter is I don't really understand how/why I stay sober any more then I truly understand why I drank. I do know what works though.

Action is the key, I couldn't think myself into right acting but I can act myself into right thinking

Save your post for your first step

Thank you for posting, keep coming back

Good Luck