jacknscoob

Hi Guys

I thought I would check-in after all this time. I know it is always nice to see what happens to people in the long-term.

(I was actually on this site as I was looking up dates for my counseling session I am having tomorrow! doh...do we ever heal?)

Well, alot has happened. I can't go into detail. However, my alcoholism has shifted to a full blown eating disorder (mainly bulimia). So my alcohol addiction has kinda shifted or transfered. I have lost over 4 stone since I was actively drinking every day in 2009+, but now I am underweight, I look awful as I've lost so much muscle (not good for a 45 yr old female). During my weight loss period, I lost weight in my arms and legs but my stomach was massive even when I stopped/reduced drinking, it took along time for the bloating, stomach swelling to subside. Yuck me!

I am still drinking but over the last 5 years have managed many sober days. I do not wake up anymore and think "Booze"...it's more of an anxious/dread feeling as I have alot of anxiety, especially social anxiety.

My husband is still a full blown alcoholic and this is causing me problems now, as I am sober all of the time (ie no black-outs), just a few glasses of wine now and then or if we go out which is rare. He is very difficult to deal with, in fact impossible...very sad I am sure I will be posting on one of the other forums soon.

However, in the long run I am pleased that I managed to get out of the daily cycle of drinking. I really never believed back then when I started this post that I could possibly stop drinking. I havnt been able to stop completely, but my reduction is significant and my liver is back in normal range.

My walking is better and my neuropathy in my legs has improved but it is still there. I am taking 75mg lyrica per day for them and it helps, but the weird, dead, sometimes achy, stuck in cement feeling is still there but not as overwelmingly bad as it was. They say once the nerve damage is done, that's it...I think I have just got used to it now. However, I have been exercising alot more and trying to strengthen my muscles, which defo helps my legs. I can walk, jog up hill (only for a few seconds) but I can do it, when before I couldnt.

I am seeing my counsellor tomoz as I still have issues with booze and mainly food, and there are other issues now and I just need to talk to someone to sort my head out. I feel lost and at times 'what's the point?'....

My Mum in the UK is very ill, I have seen her twice, the last visit, she was house bound, but knew who I was, so I did enjoy my time caring for her.

When I was drinking, one of my main worries was what would I do with myself all day sober....well, plenty....my days can be full....sober!! As I have a new concentration ability, I am able to read, sort out stuff, do stuff on the internet, remember people's birthdays, alot of things...I am never bored. I never knew that was possible when I was a drunk. I also was worried that I would have nothing to say to anyone or couldnt say things unless I was drunk.....well, I can say lots of things and chat when I am sober...I am living proof to myself.

I am no shining example of someone who was worked it all out, because I havnt at all....I am still in 'recovery'.......am trying to find myself.........find something........I feel lost and hollow...........

When one becomes sober or soberer, different problems emerge...BUT I feel heaps better than I was when the booze was making me so ill and I couldnt function at all without it.....so I am still one day at a time....just 5 years later and a little better (or just coping differently?)

....tbc

Hugs to everyone........this website helped me heaps!

downtown3

That was one of my main worries what was i going to do all day if i wasnt drinking. I sobered up, found a job, started exercising religiously, opened an ebay and amazon store and now my days are full from sunup till sundown. I am actually amazed at the productive, entrepreneurial person that was being suppressed by the copious amounts of booze i was drinking. Its important to remember, that the person you are drinking is not the real you, its a shell of your actual self, its you physically and nothing more. You drink for so long you forget what you are actually capable of doing and you just end up chalking it up to being a unproductive worthless person. This is far from the case in reality and you will see this as you emerge from the hell you have been living in for all those years.

Remember the healing process takes a while and all good things only happen with hard work and determination. Nothing in life is handed out on a silver platter and this includes sobriety. Keep working and stay focused on your end goal - to live a fulfilling, productive, alcohol free life. All the best and good luck on your journey.

yinzer

I was bulimic and alcoholic for many years. Neither is a good habit to have and either can kill you!
Please concentrate on yourself and your health ....get yourself right and don't worry about your partner. You can only fix you. I'm sorry that he isn't on the right page.

Good luck!

Dee74

Glad to hear from you Jackie - thanks for the update.

I really think most multiple addictions are intertwined - I hope the continued counselling will help.

We all deserve to be free of all our addictions

D

jacknscoob

Hi Guys

Thanks for your replies.

I know and have been reminded by my Doc that I can only change and work on my behaviour, he said there is nothing I can do to change my husband.

My 1st counselling session today since 2010 (with same counsellor ironically who I do like). I am extremely nervous, feel sick with dread and nerves but I know it is the right thing to do. I have to face it, as it is all so bad and such a waste of my life, I am sick of it all!!!

Hugs to all :o)

yinzer

No reason to be nervous about counseling! Good luck!

jacknscoob

Hi Guys

I went to my counseling session yesterday. Good to see him. In a nutshell, I have to work hard at finding and 'actually doing' new, good, healthy and positive things to replace and eventually remove all my negative behaviours (booze + ED). And to socialise more which is very hard for me having social anxiety/phobia, however one would like to describe it. (Not gona happen over night, which we all know)...but it is good to hear all the same. It all looks so simple to do when he says it...lol...however it has given me some much needed motivation to try and sort my **** out. He was also in wonder and pleased that I had turned up to my session sober and how did I do it...it was easy for me to tell him that, of course I havnt drunk anything cos I knew I was going to see him (and driving). He was very pleased. He encouraged that if I get to a time in the day where I say, "I'll open the bar" try and leave it later each time (if open it at all).

He also made me realise that the years were slipping by, as I was sitting there with him 4 years later with the same (although not as bad, well different) issues. He said he wouldnt like me to be sitting there in another 4 yrs time with the same stuff...so it really made me think. Plus I am the only one who can change, I'm not getting any younger.

He reiterated that 'Although I can bring my husband (full-time alcoholic) 'up' with me.......BUT (and more likely), he said, my husband will only bring me down'...too true. And the whole session wasnt about talking about mending my broken relationship but ALL about mending me. As I have only myself to work on, as I can't do 'Jack' about him!

And then........GUESS WHAT!!! Because I had made it to 6pm............................I killed some time and then at 7pm I went to my first AA Meeting .
Lots of tears on my part but I am so glad I went. It was a women's only gp, which was prob good for me for my first time. The women there were amazing......soooooooooooooooo welcoming. This may sound funny and in no way meant to sound disrespectful.........they were all normal, just like me!! Heaps of their sharing resounded with me.

One thing in particular has sat in my head, one woman said that when she was drinking...she had no choices.........I got that completely, as once the Bar is open, all bets are off, hey. Then she said what sobriety has bought her is 'choices'.......Wow!! It may sound a bit daft, but amazeballs!!! Choices...what a gift!!!

tbc...will write more soon. Hugs everyone xXx

yinzer

Sounds like a great day! Hope you can carry what you learned with you every day and make each day better.

ru12

I just read your story. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm glad you found the AA group helpful. I too find it helpful to be with people like me. I wish you success on your journey.

Change4good

thanks for sharing your story.

I like the idea of sobriety buying you choices. I hope to think I am making good ones.

Glad to have you back with us, and REALLY glad you enjoyed AA. Sometimes we need a bigger tool box.

Eshgham

Thanks for sharing your story!

Changingthegame

Thanks so much for the check in Jackie. You may just find that your first AA meeting is another step in the right direction (You've taken so many already).