kj3880

Here's my experience: I didn't listen and got in a new relationship at 6 months clean with another who had 3 months clean. I had to learn the hard way, I guess. I was trying to fill that void, and I ended up with an abusive clinically-diagnosed sociopath with borderline personality disorder. I had a pattern of people-pleasing, and so when this nutcase actively and aggressively pursued me, I found myself unable to say no. And I was just sick enough to need lots of attention and validation, too.

I figured out pretty quickly, in about a month, that he was all wrong for me, and had a hard time breaking it off. He wouldn't go away. He still stalks me at times, even though I told him almost 6 months ago that I didnt' want to see him any more. He also relapsed.

I didn't relapse, because I kept in close touch with others during the relationship. I didn't confine myself to only communicating with the guy, but kept up meetings and used my sponsor as a guide.

So I tell newcomers that I don't think it is a good idea to start a new relationship during the firt year or so, but that if they do, keep coming back. It isn't enough to tell them "Don't date for the first year." If they are single, they are probably going to date, so IMO it's better to say, well I advise against it, but if you do, talk about it, and keep coming back. Otherwise, they may hide the new relationship from network and sponsor, and won't get the help they need.

We can recover even though we do get involved in an unwise relationship, so long as we keep coming back, call our sponsor, etc...It isn't the best idea, but we all just about did it anyway.

Love,
KJ

sfgirl

Before I got sober I kept trying to change things in my life to fix it. These were external changes. I had an internal monologue that kept going like if I get the right boyfriend then I will be happy or if I get the right career I will be perfect. The thing about recovery is that it is about shifting the focus from the external to the internal. Major changes happen and most of those are internal ones. So I think that that suggestion is really just a way to try to avoid falling back into old patterns of trying to fix your life using external means and thereby forgoing the real, true recovery work of healing yourself. I am still in my first year. I can barely flirt with a man right now. I feel about 14 so I can't imagine getting into a real relationship. But with that and with other things I think it is a case by case basis and as long as you aren't compromising your recovery, I think you should do whatever you want. Sometimes change is needed to get out of drama and into a more simple life that is more conducive to self-reflection. Just don't think that a big change is going to solve all your problems.

barb dwyer

Good thread, FunnyOne... thanks.

You know, I was so broken when I finaly returnhed to the Rooms of AA that I was ready to do anything that was told to me.
I know - that's heard a lot ... but I notice that you hear that from people who've managed to stay sober.

I am one of them. I made no big decisions - things just happened.
BIG things.
But they weren't made by ME plotting anything.

opportunities came - I went with it.

Now, looking back on it - the relationships thing makes good sense even though it's not techinically an 'AA' thing. Suggestion, Guideline, whatever.
I was so messed up that first year - no WAY could I have been honest and intimate with anyone else without slathering my own disease and dysfunction all over it.
You know what I mean?
I had to get 'me' right first.
*I* had to be able to stand to be in the room with *me*.
Before I could share 'me with anyone.
other wise, I was just sharing ... broken remnants.

I am grateful that I made the choices I did that first year.
I was careful to lay a strong foundation.

There have been, and I am sure will yet be - many many times i've been grateful that I went to teh degree I did when laying that recovery foundation.

Again, good topic.

Rusty Zipper

for me, that first year...

I kept the Training Wheels on...

and glad i did, as when we took them off, at least i didn't fall flat on my ass!

no, i had to test the relationship bit on year two! sheesh!

"Shortcomings are things we should be doing, just haven't gotten to yet"

AcceptingChange

I didn't make any major life changes for a year. I wanted to understand "how the f*#! did i get here? This was not planned at all. Does my planning suck or what?" And i found that by not taking action, i saw my mind becoming more and more agitated with impulses to "do this, do that, do this, do that." over and over and over again. It was wierd.
I still want to make some big changes, but i don't want to add that mental stress to my life right now. My personality has "Relapse" written all over it, so i'm careful, even scared, to make moves. Alcohol seduced me, then beat me up bad. I don't want to get into a new situation that i feel the urge to prop up my courage, or remove my fear, or calm my uncertainty, with a drink.

barb dwyer

ha, ha ha, Rusty!

I didn't say I didn't TRY the 'no new realtionships' thing.
But man did I learn quick there's some good advice!
LOL

kj3880

me too, Barb, me too.

Ananda

yep heard those two...my feelings beliefs thoughts were

HOG WASH

ok, thats the GP version.

I still have yet to meet someone in any aa meeting that didn't date/do a relationship..the men thing whatever..in the first year unless

no one they liked was interested
they were already married or in a comitted relationship

I went on a date at about 11.5 mos sober..but i only waited that long cause it took him that long to ask me out.

I made major changes in the first year..had to to be sober. I didn't run gun shy from making them...

What was clear to me was that sobriety isn't about safety (for me) it's about living life. My first date in 15 years was still my first date in 15 yearas no matter how much sober time i had and i only learn and grow by expereinceing, and since my first stint in AA i have never had the illusion that i ever drank over a man

For me what was imphasised and what i believe helped me, was Keep your focus on sobriety and the steps..don't stop working a diligant program cause you want to put more energy into a career or go out with a man.

But i'm 50 and i guess what i've learned is that opportuninites don't come around endlessly, and the ones you miss today are likely not going to be around in a year.

So far it is working for me

jimhere

Getting sober is a major change in itself.

They say the first year is the toughest. I'm not so sure about that, in my own experience. Looking back, the first few years were pure grace and a lot of ignorance. Things were so much simpler then because I didn't know then what I know now. They weren't kidding when they said that more will be revealed.

I have mentioned before that I have a problem with us AA's dangling the Ninth Step promises in front of newcomers like a carrot, like we are saying "This is what is down the road in the future." Which is true, but it is a good thing that we are only given twenty-four hours at a time. Because if I would have known what was ahead of me I don't know if I would have stuck around.

So, the first year wasn't the hardest. The twelfth year was-just kidding! Actually I'm only partially kidding, that year was a rough one. But grateful for all of it and wouldn't trade it for anything.
Jim

Peter

i have always thought the above statements were a little strange.

I had to make some "major life decisions" very early in recovery.

"To drink or not to drink. To move or not to move. To quit my job or to continue working. To get a sponsor or not."

For me I think the key element in this equation was not to make any "major life decisions" without getting some feedback from a trusted source

All too aften i was was way to eager to make hasty decisions on my own without seeking council with a wiser head and many times i found myself in trouble.

I had to make myself "accountable" to someone.

Without "accountability" I am a danger to myself and others.