jkemples2

My wife asked for a divorce. A few days later, she came back to our residence to pack some things, and found my fourth step. Needless to say, she was livid. I have been far from honest during the course of our relationship. This is my first fourth step, and I am 61 days into recovery. Anyone else have this experience?

McGowdog

Bummer. I don't think you did anything wrong except for maybe being careless where you left the thing.

But shame on her.

I tell my wife, if you should ever find my 4th step laying around, please stay out of it. It's not for you. But if you do for some delve into it, you are then responsible for it.

It's mostly a lie anyway. That's the way we see life as we're driven by selfish, dishonest, resentment, and fearful as we go about life running the show and "playing God" so to speak.

5th stepping it or for most, doing that 4th column is where we turn that line between the 2nd column and the 3rd column into a lie.

Be more careful in the future. But I say shame on her for being a snoop. Not much you can do about that now.

Sorry about the divorce. Keep up the work and I hope you get that thing 5th Stepped soon and all your amends done.

Add: When I was divorcing my first wife, I was doing an inventory and the resentments were coming fast and furious. I used to jot down resentments as they came to me on a piece of paper so I could add them to my 1st column. Well this place I worked, I was in the stock room getting parts for this medical equipment I was working on, and I reached into my pocket to get something and some of these papers came out of my pockets. This girl who worked there got a hold of them and her first name was the same as my wife I was divorcing. She kinda freaked, then this guy who knew me and knew I was in AA told her what that was and that it was directed at someone else, not her. She still thought I was a dangerous freak after that.

CarolD

Welcome to SR.....

I have no experience to share on your situation
I was long divorced before I began recovery.

I can tell you that I consider my Step work
is when I felt my recovery became solid.

Good to know you are here with us....

Pinkcuda

First off, 61 days and already into the 4th step is commendable. My hat's off to you.
I have experience with divorce. I have experience with a 4th step. I have experience with a livid wife and I also have experience with a livid ex wife.
Just not in combination.
I'm trying to think if there was anything that I had in my resentment or fear inventory that would be offensive if anyone had read it. I don't think there was. The sex inventory was mine too. Only a wife could get mad about something that happened 20 years before I met her. Then you have your harms to others. Wouldn't she already know about that if anyone of them were directed her way?
I don't know your wife and I don't know why she's mad. I do know that you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube either.
Looks like she's just going to have to be mad.
I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. They suck. Thankfully the Judge sees a divorce as a legal issue and not a moral issue.

TTOSBT

I am very sorry about this. Both the divorce and the breech of trust.
This did not happen to me as I kept my hidden and I left it at my sponsors house after my 5th step. After my 8th step we burned it together. I highly recommend that to everyone!

One of my good friends though kept hers locked in a box in the trunk of her car.
One night while she was sleeping her husband went into her car, broke open the box, read her fourth step and then woke her up at 3am to fight about it.
NOT GOOD! She had cheated on him. Almost needless to say, they are still in therapy and are often on the verge of divorce. I can sympathize.

Keep working on your recovery! 60 days is a great start!

McGowdog

What a stupid jerk! Oh, imo. He gives absolutely zero respect for her sobriety. That's so... special! The book talks about infidelity and he sounds like the guy you shouldn't tell. But now that he knows, that's his problem. Trust is broken for good, what a mess.

There is an extremely positive thing about divorce. You get to stop fighting and you get to leave each other alone for eternity.

A divorce and a restraining order is what I'd like to buy her for her birthday. But that's just my opinion.

keithj

Hats off to you for getting busy with the steps. I've been divorced and done 4th steps. There were things in my original 4th step that would hurt my ex-wife. Those things were not brought up in my amends to her.

I would really advise against this. I know it's popular, though. I kept my original 4th step and I share some things from it with new guys I'm working with. Nothing brings the point home to a new guy who is reluctant about writing some of their grosser defects than seeing some of the things I put down on paper. It's not for shock value, but only to show a newcomer that this is what I had to do to recover. These are some of the things I had to face and get out in the light. Sharing a little of that which is appropriate helps the newcomer see that we are walking the same path together, or shoulder to shoulder as the book says.

joedris

No, can't say I've had the same experience. But if she's divorcing you, why get excited about her being livid? If it's because you were caught being dishonest, then she has the right to be livid. When you get to your eighth step, put it on the top of your list. And be sure to add the honesty issue to your inventory. Nice work on the 61 days, but don't blame you wife for being upset. You were to one who was less than honest and got caught. And I would advise everyone to be very careful with your 4th step. The only other person who should ever see it is your sponsor, so protect it accordingly.

Believe808

I also burned my 4th step. My husband & I are separated and even though he doesn't live in our house anymore, he still comes over to get things of his. I was always afraid he would find it and constantly hid it in so many places I was forgetting where it was. I am glad it is gone.

Tommyh

I have not had that experience but I have 2 friends who has......
one man,had his resentments wrote out and his wife found the list.
She got mad at him because he resented her cause she was fat,she called everyone she could on the list and told them what he wrote about them..he got mad,they fought,he got her around the neck chocking her..he ended up in jail,divorced,and going to anger managment...

a woman I know wrote hers out and her hubby found it..her used it against her in a divorce to get costudy of the kids....

I alkways say to new foks,make sure they cannot get to it,and if nessacery do not write out full names ,do it asap and then move on and get rid of it after step 8

Sugah

I don't know where mine is. I packed it when I moved, and it hasn't turned up yet (more than five years later). I've stumbled across my husband's. He had it lying on a bench in the dining room, and I was cleaning up. As soon as I realized what it was, I closed it and let him know it was there (hint, hint: put it away).

There's nothing in mine that he doesn't know about and there's nothing in his, he's assured me, that I don't know. Good enough for me.

Our own 4th step can come in handy when guiding others, though I could see an instance where it might not be a good idea to keep it around. One of the gifts of the 7th step is that those things in my 4th step don't have the power to hurt me anymore. I do, however, need to be mindful of hurting others.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

jkemples2

I am worried that she will use it against me in the divorce. I was the type of addict/alcoholic that was very good at hiding things, so she did not know much about the quantity of usage, what I was using etc. Also, needless to say, there were infidelities, with people very close to her. I have added many resentment to my list since this happened. What is worse is that she got on the horn and told everyone who was on the list what I had said about them. This makes a walk around town almost dangerous. She is not an addict, nor would she attend Al-Anon, so she doesn't understand addiction or the purpose of the steps.

joedris

If she's got a copy of it, you may have a problem. If she's just going by what she remembered, then it's her word against hers. But it's a good example of "Hell hath no fury greater than an angry woman." You need to talk to your lawyer about this one.

sfields141

To jkemples2, First of all your not nearly far enough into your sobreity to be working on your 4th step. The ist 3 are way to important not to spend at least 90 days on them, but since you did and she found you should have you the experience to make your ammends to her. Remember she doesnt have forgive you, you just have to ask,,so get past it . Get out your little 12 step book and read the whole book several times and if your going to work on the 4th this early do it right. it took me 9months of steady writing to finish my 4th step,and I still left out some things I later remembered. You dont need a woman right now you need one day at a time sobriety and lots of meetings and a sponsor,so buck up as long as you didnt drink ,you did good. sfields

sfields141

Jkemples2, First off your are not nearly far enough into you sobriety to be woking on the 4th step. Yet since you did and she found it , you should have used it as your opportunity to make ammends with her, just remember she doesnt have to forgive you, you just have to ask. What you need now is take a 12 step book and read it several times. Go to lots of meetings and talk to your sponsor. You also need to go back to the first 3 steps and give your life over to your higher power to make you decisions for you. You have made a mess of it making your own decision,so give it up. Take your life one day at a time and remember easy does. It works if you work it. sfields

Sugah

I don't agree with this. I've taken women through the first three steps in an afternoon and sent them home to start their fourth step. If someone is willing to do the work and wants the pain to stop, holding them back because they're "not ready yet" is not a judgment I'm qualified to make.

Didn't want to derail the thread, but "you're not ready yet" has killed people.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

sfields141

The 12 steps arent meant to be rushed into but absored slowly and worked slowly. My sobriety date is 12-14-89 so I have been 12 stepping alot of years, but you are welcomed to your opinion.

McGowdog

What? That's way too much advice there. It's up to the recovered alcoholics that's working with this person to decide. If they were put on a 4th step, I'm sure they're ready. You do not have a clue what terms this person has come into the program in or whether they are ready to move on into an inventory or not. If I come into A.A. on day one and I'm fully identified with being a real alcoholic, I'm ready to to see that I need to seek God, decide and rock n' roll!

It don't take me 90 days to make a decision! And we don't have to write the Great American Novel either. I was given 21 days to do my 1st 4th step 5 years ago (1st this time in sobriety) and I did it in 22.

As far as the relationship advice, you can keep that too.

Now, you might be jumping the gun a bit.

I never ask for forgiveness. I ask what can I do to set it right.


What?!?! Read the book several times? I'm an excellent driver. 248 toothpicks.

...

Many more slogans where that came from.

I'd say leave her alone for a while. You need to somehow 5th step this thing with a person you can trust and move along.

IDK. There's way too many cooks in the soup kitchen now.

sfields141

Mcgowdog I respect you opinion, but you should also respect mine it has kept me sober since12-14-89 I am of the old school, my first sponsor told me until I got 90 days sobreity I should refrain from speaking in meetings except to acknowledge I was an alcoholic and who I was. I alsso believe we never recover from being an alcoholic,because our disease progreeses steadly whether we drink or not. So we all agree on one thing one day at a time.

McGowdog

I'm glad you're sober for 19+ years. I now see that your sobriety date is important to you.

I'm frustrated for the OP. I wish I could send him back in time and let him avoid this situation.

But at some point, he's got to move forward. He may even need legal advice or a lawyer. With a lot of grace, maybe his wife comes around and gives him credit for putting his sobriety first. Or maybe she won't.

In any case, he has to be ok with how it goes. He has to get where he's ok, regardless of what the world, including her, does. The steps and seeking God will do that for him.