jplcbr

I have been ‘lurking’ on this board for a few weeks and I have found it to be a very useful way to help me stay sober and healthy. Since I am a newbie to this site, I decided I would tell a bit of ‘my story’ to help people understand who I am and also seek support from all of you.

I am in my late 30s and have been drinking heavily for about 15 years. When I say heavy, I mean daily drinking of ½ bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of wine. Below is an excerpt of my journal about 4 weeks before I went into a 30 day in-house rehab program last year…
As I write this, there are two incredible powerful forces inside of me pulling me apart. On one hand, I have a beautiful wife and two phenomenal children. I have a one in a million job, living a dream overseas and making more money than I could ever imagine…what more could someone ask for? That’s the question….

• I love my job and the people I work with. Every day I get to make a small and hopefully positive impact to people’s lives…How cool is that!?!? I got 2 kids that are amazing and wife that is loyal, patient and forgiving…How cool is that!?!?

• But there is an evil side dwelling in me that I can’t explain. It’s a dark side of me. The one that is an addict…addicted to alcohol & prescription drugs…all just to get thru the day of this ‘wonderful’ life. It makes no sense…I am a logical and fairly intelligent person but for some reason I just cant get it together. My wife and boys are my Rock…my support and the only thing keeping me from completely self destructing.

I lived in two worlds – on the outside I tried to project a strong, confident and ‘mystical’ persona and then on the inside – I never listen to my own wisdom or advice I give others. And I ravage my body without regard And in doing this, I hurt myself (not sure how I am still alive after all the crap I have done) but more importantly I hurt others around me. It’s not fair to my wife, boys or friends.

I went to a 30 day inpatient rehab about 8 months ago and here was a typical day before I went in…

• Well I just took another Xanax to calm my nerves. I am all twisted up inside. I feel like a fraud, a fake… During the day, I take medication just to get thru the motions of life. Then when I have the chance, I would selfishly drink to get drunk. It’s like I lead a double life…on the outside I try and window dress everything is in control and fine but on the inside there is this gnawing pain of loneliness, desperation, anxiety and fear. Fear of what? I don’t know. But its tearing me apart.

• Funny part of all this is I can predict my own actions, emotions and behaviors. It’s a cycle…lets start at 1pm after lunch…this is when I start to feel good, in control and that everything will work out. This is what I call Buddha time…interestingly I am writing this just after lunch…anyhow…the day usually gets better and better. Then I get home and feel good, so I grab a drink to celebrate life and all God has provided. Then I hit a peak high when I put the kids to bed and then it goes down hill from there. I keep drinking because if I don’t I cant sleep. And to stop from drinking an entire bottle of liquor I pop a lunesta to make me pass out. Strange thing about my behavior is that I am cognoscente that the mix of xanax, Zoloft, lunesta and alcohol is a cocktail for death…yet I do it.

• Then the morning…I get up in a haze of the hustle and bustle of the house. My kids clamor for me to come have breakfast and I tell them I cant because I have to get ready for work….what a lie….the truth is I don’t want them to see my bloodshot eyes and smell the stench of alcohol from last nights ritual binge..

• As I fumble to get ready, I start the day with Zoloft and Xanax and lots of eye drops. Then lots of water or juice to re-hydrate my beaten and battered body…And then before I leave, I look myself in the mirror and say…today is the day I will not drink.

• Then in the car ride to work I ponder the stupid **** I did the night before and tell myself what a selfish b**tard I am. Some mornings I come in and go to a conference room and act like I am in confidential meetings…I don’t want the staff to know their boss and friend is a raging alcoholic who is a useless Father and Husband. Then I look at my calendar and meetings – depending on the upcoming meetings, I will have panic attacks and so another Xanax or propanol. Then about 10am I will emerge from hiding and prance around like all is well and how busy I was working last night and early this morning.

• Then between 10-12 I go through the guilt phase and tell myself I have to quit all this s**t. So I surf the web for in-patent drug treatment centers, check what the insurance would pay and then read the company guidelines on medical leaves…then after lunch I tell myself – you dumb a**…you are on top of the world, get your **** together and be a man. Stop screwing around and take full advantage of what you have! Then it starts again…around 1pm I start to feel better and the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats.

• This is just one story, there’s so much more. I did the research and understand why I have the shakes. There are 2 reasons. First, is alcohol withdrawal and the second is that the alcohol abuse has stripped away a protective coating on nerves in my brain which cause random firing of neurons. The damage is not permanent at this point. On the withdrawal part, I have been abusing alcohol for so long if I go cold turkey, there’s a chance of significant complications if not under medical care.

• The sweating and red face are also symptoms of alcohol dependence, in addition - anxiety and anti-social behavior are also symptoms of the problem. Its clear to me and all the warning signs are up but I am trapped. How could I ‘justify’ being gone for 30 days? What BS story could I make up? And if I told the truth…well, then I will likely be immediately replaced and managed out of the company. I can’t give up the job…we have no savings to live on. What do I DO??

• I am in a constant state of up and down and I am getting sea sick. I am tired of waking up late and realizing I finished an entire bottle of liquor myself. I am tired of thinking logically and acting irrationally. I am tired of the pressure to keep up the act just to keep food on the table. I am tired of being a shi**y Dad. I am tired of using medication to just live each day. I am tired of telling others how to live their lives and develop their career when my own life is a lie.

• I am so disappointed in myself…I was once an energetic guy who was going to change the world. I am so embarrassed…I can only imagine what people say

Well it’s April 7, 2009 and I have laid off the alcohol to a significant degree. But I still can’t shake this incessant depression and feeling of absolute worthlessness. I have been taking Prozac for almost 2 weeks now and I still feel terrible. Things are impacting me in ways that I cant understand. It like my life has spun out of control and I am on the way down. I don’t have the feelings of hope, love, happiness or joy. All I feel is fear, sadness, anxiety and defeat.

The best analogy is that a ‘light switch’ was turned off and over the past year, every aspect of my life has become ‘dim’ and dark. It started in July 2008 and up until now – it has infected every aspect of my life. I am tired of feeling this way and I am tired of trying so hard. I don’t have friends and I honestly don’t deserve any. I have two wonderful boys and a loving wife that I don’t deserve. And my job…well that’s going down the toilet too.

I need to escape from these feelings. I look back on my 37 years and I am fairly happy with the life experiences I was able to provide my family. But now, things need to change. I can’t keep living this way. Its not even a life anymore – it’s like torture. Everyday is a disappointment and every night I go to bed, I never want to wake up. I just want to dream and disconnect from all reality and just go away.

I don’t know what else to do. I am in a constant state of confusion, mental paralysis, memory loss and deep depression. I just need the pain to stop. I don’t know what to do. God please help me. I am losing my mind and the will to live. Where is that gleam in the eye and passion for life and positive thinking!? Where did it go? How could something so wonderful just evaporate into thin air?

Maybe it’s the cumulative affect of stress, alcohol and prescription drugs…if it is, then how can I reverse it? I need to turn back time to a place where my mind was free and clear. I need to find that place where joy, love and happiness exist. You know the one…it’s the place where I could not be defeated. The place where all things worked like clockwork and my life was charmed. The place where nothing could bring me down and everything was half-full and positive. I miss that place and that person so much. Every day I wake up with the desire to get it back but each day, that desire gets pushed down a little further.

I really need to break this cycle of habitual self abuse and ridicule. I need to step up and be accountable for the decisions in my life and realize that running away is not the answer. I need to start listening to God and living each day of my life with passion, gratefulness and vigor. I know what I need to do…but my will and spirit are broken. Its like they are both a shattered mirror and there are times when I can see the reflection of my former self in little slivers but for some reason I cant put all the pieces back together to make a complete picture.

Its now May7th 2009 and I need to stay positive, I need to stay focused. I have the energy and passion to be the best. Whatever happened in the past is the past. I can only control what I do moving forward. I can’t go back and erase the past. I cant be anxious about something I don’t understand or don’t know about. I need to be open minded, willing to listen and willing to change. Its not about what other people think, its about what I do that makes the difference. Life is not a popularity contest, its simply a moment by moment experience of consciousness. And in those moments, our existence is here to embrace the challenges life throws at us. And never forget that God would not give me a challenge I could not overcome. As hard as this may be to believe, its true. No matter how you feel right now, you will feel better. It may take time and more effort from you but over time you will feel better.

The world is not against you. Life is teaching you a lesson. Don’t try and anticipate the lesson, just learn it as it unfolds. Keep your spirits up and stay focused on what matters. Family, health and mental well being are the most important things. Don’t unwind your mind into a sea of uncertainty and self doubt. Be honest about everything and realize when it hurts, you are growing. Its like when you were a kid and had growing pains…with out the pain, you don’t grow.

I realize you are typing this to keep your anxiety at bay. It’s a natural response when under pressure and uncertainty prevails. You need to find your true identity and stop wasting your life. You need to come to grips with who you are and just learn to be OK with that. You are unique and you have a kind soul deep in there. You just need to learn to be OK with you. Care for yourself better and think about how your kids need you. Keep focused on task at hand and think about how you keep your team motivated. Your inner passion and spirit needs to be rekindled. Think of it like a candle that was blown out…you need to find the right match to reignite the flame.

I have been sober now for 25 days and finally…the haze, fear and anxiety are lifting. I hope and pray I can maintain sobriety and a positive outlook on life and my recovery.

TTOSBT

jp,
Thanks for sharing that and welcome!
I can certainly relate.
Are you attending any sort of recovery program?
It is great to have f2f support and today I have so many true friends in AA.
I almost have a year sober and just wanted to tell you that it is possible and things just get better and better!

CarolD

Congratulations on your new sobriety....

Thanks for sharing part of your story with us
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum.......

Blessings to you and your family
as you continue to move forward

firestorm090

Welcome!!

OZboy

I have been sober now for 25 days and finally…the haze, fear and anxiety are lifting. I hope and pray I can maintain sobriety and a positive outlook on life and my recovery.[/QUOTE]
lol Oz....

Dime

Hi and Welcome!!

Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are so common for those with an addiction problem. Just a thought here but what are you using for a recovery program? Thirty days recovery programs can really get the wheels rolling but we need something continuous to smash the powers of the disease. Have you considered giving AA a shot? I didn't want to but after I tried it I found that it really worked.

Jfanagle

Welcome,

Your very detailed and lengthy story is shared by untold and varied people around the world. Some have fantastic jobs, and some just try and scratch out an existence. The common thread is fear and self doubt, perhaps even loathing at times. When we are in the grip of these dragons, we seek solace in alcohol.

There are a whole bunch of us that have found that getting together on a regular basis and sharing our EXPERINCES, what gets us through these fears (STRENGTH) and how life gets a great deal better for many of us (HOPE), can keep us sober. It has done so for me for the past 10 years.

AA, there are other ways as well; it just so happens that my experience is with AA. The point being you don't have to feel unique, you are not, just an individual that has been born without a COPER (definition: that mechanism that others have that lets them "cope" with life without booze). There are scads of us.

Best wishes on your new found sobriety.

Jon

Believe808

Congratulations on your 25 days. Some of us lost all of those wonderful things before we realized just what we had. That's great you realize it and are doing something for yourself so you don't lose them. Good Luck on your sobriety.

rhnorment

jplcbr --

i agree with the poster right above me. There are hundreds-of-thousands, probably even millions, that could write the same story you started this thread with -- including myself. (Your story was very well-written, btw).

The point is that you are far from being alone in this fight. Are you in a mutual support group, like AA?

I have the same feelings you do every day, but those feelings are lifted whenever I attend an AA meeting. There is something very spiritual about one alcoholic talking to another.

Keep plugging along. Try a mutual support group to see how you like it.

best of luck.

/rhn

jules67

jplcbr,
congratulations on your sobriety. I really appreciated your honesty , one of the reasons I stopped drinking was I could not stand the dishonest life I was living anymore. There was such freedom in finally being honest about my drinking. When I told my husband everything and I mean everything from where I would hide my wine to how much I was drinking I felt such relief.

you'll find lots of support here

take care
jules67

coffeenut

Welcome to SR!

jplcbr

Thank u all for your kind words and encouragement!
I do use AA (online, meetings and the big book) to help with my sobriety.
The interesting thing I found with AA is that the ‘constant’ reminder of Alcohol actually becomes a trigger for me. So, what I found to be better is occasional ftf meetings but more and more online and offline reading helps more. Do others have a similar experience?

CarolD

Hmmm....
I had been AA sober over 3 years before I came on line.
I've been using cyber recovery as an interesting
informational vital supplement to my local AA meetings.

I find 3 AA meetings a week immensley helpful.
I'm here several times a day...

SR gives me a broader scope of recovery concepts/ideas
and I can share with an endless stream of newcomers.

I certainly hope you will find a balance that benefits you

Oops! to answer your question.....
No ..... that has not been true for me.

TTOSBT

No, I have not had the experience but I have certainly heard it before.
Today, the obsession has been lifted with regards to alcohol and now AA meetings teach me not how to drink but how to live sober!

TorontoGuy28

Wow, I can so relate to the work portions of your story....Thanks for sharing and welcome.

keithj

All very good things. But, not a substitute for the 12 steps of recovery. I recovered when I took those steps, not by using AA or reading the book, or going to meetings. I was a hopeless alcoholic who recovered by taking and living those steps.

What step are you on? Because you sound like me. You said rehab was a year or so ago and you are still struggling. I went to treatment a good year or so before I got sober through the steps of AA. I learned a lot in rehab, but what I learned did not keep me sober, and I certainly was not happy and free.

The recovery that AA promises is not the result of going to meetings. It's the result of taking the steps.