crzylilmndfreak

I have gone to a couple of meetings lately, and to be honest i hate them...i have gotton up and left in the middle first off because it was "as Bill sees it" and i didnt want to talk and have to read, but second, the meetings topic was gratitude... so i sat there and listened to how "gratfull" they all were, how "thankfull" they are to be sober today... well **** on them... i have been sober 13 months now, and im still pissed off i cant drink...i wish i could just drink normally and have a good time without all the terrible consequences.. i do still have my family, which of course i am thankful of, but WHEN will i stop craving??? ugh

Emimily

work the steps?

Sweets79

Most people on SR have said their sobriety is great...and it gets better, I am putting some trust in that...13 months is a long time...I try to have faith, but I fear I can be sober really long and still want a drink/not be happy...so I understand where you're coming from...Maybe if you change your meds? Tell your D.R. it's been so long you're sober and you still want a drink...That definitely worries me...I want there to be a point where I can just be sober and happy...I can understand it being frustrating listening to everyone say they are happy and thankful for being sober, when you're still sitting there frustrated wanting a drink...I truly think this can be alot tougher for some than others...I just hope eventually I will find a way to be sober AND happy..and I hope you find that way too.

serenityqueen

Please know that if any of what I have to say sounds sarcastic, it's not meant to be. But you can't just to go Meetings and expect to "be cured." I can say this because I did that very thing. I shared this on another thread yesteday that I would go to Meetings and stop on the way home and buy a bottle. I had this planned. I went into the Meetings thinking, "Ok, now, let's see how much I get out of this. If I don't get anything, then I'm drinking after I get home." I set myself up big time.

IMO, the Meeting you are talking about doesn't sound like the best one for someone newer in AA, even if you have been clean for 13 months, you're still a newcomer to AA. Beginner's Meetings are designed exactly for the newcomer. While I am NOT knocking things like reading out of How Bill Sees It, for me, I don't "get too much" out of reading in a group setting. I have to read things when I'm alone to comprehend any of what I've read. And IMO, I think some newcomers would really struggle with this. Also, if you go to any Meetings where reading is passed from person to person, you don't have to read! Just about every Meeting I have been to where we were reading around the room, there has been at least one person who will say, "My name is Bob, I'm an alcoholic and I'll pass." No big deal. No explanations needed.

During my other attempts at Recovery, I would go to Meetings daily, but I wasn't working the Steps, I didn't get a Sponsor and I sure wasn't going to buy into this turning it over to my Higher Power idea. I just knew all of that wasn't for me. But when I surrendered in 2005, I knew I had to be willing to go to any length and this included being honest, open minded and willing. Come to find out, when I put the plan into place that has worked for millions of others, I then, "got it." I'm not saying AA is for everyone, but seriously, what have you got to lose by trying some beginner's Meetings.

God Bless,
Judy

keithj

Emimily has given an answer that will work. It can sometimes be frustrating and sad to hear people sitting there waiting for the feelings you describe to go away. In my experience, they will not go away. I was never as patient, and always returned to drinking long before a year of white knuckle sobriety had passed.

The solution to that feeling of craving, or obsession as it's called, and the depression and unhapiness is contained in AA's 12 steps.

It's painful to hear you hope, Sweets, that eventually you will find a way when the way is right there in front of you. All you have to do is grab it. But, I know, I know, you don't want to complicate things right now.

I can assure you that if you take those steps, you will no longer be p*ssed off you can't drink. Instead, you'll be grateful for the new life you have. There is a reason why so many of us who have recovered are so gung ho for working the steps.

I'm trying very hard to be understanding, but if you don't want what's offered, there's not much to say. You'll find plenty of people to pat you on the back and co-miserate with. I jusy haven't seen that work for anybody (especially myself) so I'm not inclined to join in.

McGowdog

Hey crzy! It's deja vu for me this thread. But now that you say you still have cravings after 13 months? That is weird.

But fret not! You sound like you may identify with Dr Bob more than Bill W.

Could you please do me one favor, and read or reread Dr Bob's story which is the 1st of the stories in the back section of the Big Book? It's called Dr Bob's Nightmare and is here if you don't have it handy.

This dude has a great story and talks about what you describe. It's very rare, I think, but he claims he had a "craving" for about 2 and a half years;

"Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one half years of abstinence."

Now, I'm not gonna argue you or Bob what craving means vs what mental obsession means because I'm not even like you or Bob in that respect anyway.

But you do seem like him and this may be rare.

Hope that helps.

sailorjohn

Wow, not saying this to be snarky, but it must be hell having to deal with you up close and personal. Something I know based on my experiences, as a dry alcoholic not in the program, as an alcoholic in the program, not working the steps. To say I was not a happy camper would be putting it very mildly.

Acceptance is the key-of course, you know this.

Find a sponsor, work the steps.

If you can't make AA work for you, find something else that does.

Sugah

My suggestion is to purchase the book (Alcoholics Anonymous) at a meeting, which is no major financial investment. They are currently $6.50, soon to go up to $8.50. Then read the first 164 pages. If, when you finish reading, you still don't care for what AA has to offer you, then maybe it's not for you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

crzylilmndfreak

well the thing is, i live in an appartment complex with picnic benches and a bbq right outside my door, and my neigbors are ALWAYS out there drinking, having fun, and aside from this "Social problem" that i have, which adds to everything 100%, i hate looking out at them drinking, having a good time, and knowing that i cant be apart of it, that is why i wish i could drink normally, and its just frustrating, ya know?

Sweets79

I have already taken a step... I am seeing an alcohol specialist this Friday...They do group/individual therapy, so I am starting somewhere...As I have said before I looked into AA meetings, and as hard as some people find it to believe there are not any in my area...I am not in Manhattan, I live in a surrounding burrough and alot of stuff is not up to date here...All the meeting schedules are from 08...I am going to see what happens Friday, and I am sure they will have some information on current AA meetings that aren't in my area, but might not be that far...Don't know how far they might be, but if they are within decent driving distance I will give it a shot...I might have overlooked something and there might be some meetings going on closer than I think, but it appears there aren't any close by, and from what I saw the meetings in 08 seemed to be very sparatic, like once a month.....One step at a time.

tomvlll

crzylilmindfreak

I think you should join them.
Perhaps you really can drink normally.
If so, you really aren't an alcoholic and AA wasn't for you anyway.

If you are an alcoholic, you'll follow a predicatble path and your life will become completely umnanageable. At that point, you might be more receptive to AA.

McGowdog

Right! But before she does that, I suggest she goes and reads that Dr Bob's Nightmare, then maybe reads and does everything it says to do from title page up to about page 31 before she drinks with them.

My brother is going to alcohol classes in Georgia for an offense he didn't finish commentments on in Colorado about 21 years ago. I feel a bit sorry for him, but he needs to do this in order to get a DL in Georgia.

So I say, "What did you learn in Alcohol Class today?"

He says, "We learned that we should drink 3 drinks every day for 30 days."

I said, "How's that going?"

He says, "I told the teacher that I want to wait 29 days and drink all 90 on the last day."

He said they didn't recommend that.

So when someone tells me to drink, I tell them to blow it out their blow hole. But... for some, it may be good advice. I doubt the OP wants to hear that, but if you don't do the Big Book suggestions, there's nothing more I could recommend but the former. ADD: BUT THERE ARE MANY NON-AAers IN HERE WHO HAVE OTHER SUGGESTIONS. WE'RE MERELY GOING ON WHAT WE WERE SHOWN IN AA AND WHAT WORKED WITH US.

I used to live in that drama when I drank and I loved it. Now sober, I couldn't imagine living in that setting and would pray to God and put the intent into the Universe to take me away from that.

If you don't mind hanging out with drunk or drinking people, that's a problem, IMO.

FightingIrish

The ultimate goal of the A.A. program (in laymen's terms) it to enable us to be happy with not drinking, not just to stop drinking and white-knuckle our way through life dreaming of the good old days.

It was crucial for me in very early sobriety to surround myself with other sober drunks who had either found the solution or who were actively seeking it in their lives. That solution is a spiritual (not religious) experience as a result of taking the twelve steps, which are the A.A. program.

I also took meds for depression during my first year, but at a certain point I just stopped feeling depressed.

sailorjohn

IME, your '08 meeting directory is good enough, groups start and usually always continue indefinitely.

Not sure what you're referring to by 'once a month', again, IME, meetings are held on a weekly basis. Perhaps you're referring to 'open' meetings-meetings open to the general public that have a speaker rather than individual tables?

Based on what you've written here, sounds like you qualify to attend a closed meeting of AA, and you may just get as much out of a closed meeting as any open talk.

You don't have to make excuses if you don't want to go.

crzylilmndfreak

its not a matter of whether or not i am an alcoholic, (which there is no question that i am) as to my joining AA, and i dont appreciate your comment to be quite frank. I do, as a matter of fact agree with AA, i did not say that i didnt, all i said was that i am not at the point yet of hearing how gratefull everyone else is to be sober, when i am still in this state of mind...my life has allready become unmanageable, which is why i am here

Sweets79

Why would I make excuses to anyone on a message board? That makes no sense...If you don't believe it don't lol.

McGowdog

Well I've given you two or three of the most kindly and gentle suggestions that I'm capable of and you've not even addressed them as good, bad, or indifferent. You've merely included more of the drama you're facing in your "external" circumstances.

Even when we get sobered up and recovered, circumstances stay the same, but it's our mere perception of things that's changed... for the better, too.

You may "know for sure" you're an alcoholic, but how's that working for you? Do your actions reconcile with someone who has a deadly and dangerous illness? If they don't, I ask you to consider something;

Maybe be open to considering that you could go further in your 1st step. Be open to it and a new experience with it and that might open the door for you to receive what's been blocked from you.

Example: my 1st Step says stuff to me like, "YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU! YOU ARE IN THE CURRENT SITUATION BASED ON YOUR OWN DECISIONS. YOU BROUGHT YOURSELF TO THIS POINT."

YOU'RE EITHER GONNA DO THIS STUFF OR YOU'RE NOT!

It's pretty harsh, but that's how it talks to me.

BTW, which step are you on now?

keithj

I'm going to personally pull back from a few of these threads because there is starting to be some friction. I'm not adverse to friction, but at some point it's unattractive.

There are a handful of concurrent threads right now that essentially say the same things. Namely, that someone hasn't drank for a number of days or a number of months, and they are none too happy about it. The only answer I, and a bunch of other people, can give is that this is exactly the alcoholic condition described in AA's Big Book. And the treatment for that condition is given in the same book.

I've seen first hand hundreds (thousands?) of people saying basically the same thing as I hear in these threads. It is my observation, not my opinion, that those who remain in that uncomfortable phase without a solution, will return to drinking. They may or may not pass through a phase where everything seems wonderful for a time, but by and large their stories play out exactly like Bill Wilson's in the Big Book. A few months of sobriety, inevitably followed by a still worse relapse. Most will try every imaginable remedy discussed in Chapter 3, and find themselves drunk.

A few will come to the conclusion that they don't have any answers, and will follow the guidance of someone who has been right where they are, but who has found a way out.

Freedom1990

I certainly wasn't grateful either when I was first introduced to AA. One of the oldtimers in the group came up to me early on and said if I was there to score brownie points, I was in the wrong place, and no one was going to hand my sobriety to me.

I was mad as hell, but I stuck around. I kept my mouth shut, listened in meetings, had a sponsor who guided me, and somewhere along the way I realized I was grateful for a lot of things in my life.

Must be miserable at 13 months to still be white-knuckling it. The obsession to drink left me after I had worked through the steps the first time.

CarolD

I'm confused......crzylilmndfreak ...

you have last Nov. as your date of sobriety on your Profile
and on this thread you say you have 13 months of sobriety.

Have you been attending meetings since you started
whatever the date might be?
What kind of meetings....if not AA?

Are you an alcoholic?
Why are you attending AA?

No one is required to read or speak in AA meetings.
If called on....a simple word suffices.....Pass.