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Any thoughts or ideas on learning how to put "you" first?



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Any thoughts or ideas on learning how to put "you" first?

Old 04-29-2009, 01:56 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I think you have to do something so you don't want to drink any more. If I had to go through life wanting to drink because of a stressful situation, an unhappy relationship, or whatever other trigger was floating around, I'd last till about noon. If nothing was handy I'd dig in my past till I came up with something. I most certainly am an alcoholic, but I don't drink, and haven't for quite a few years. Why? (Hint - it doesn't involve strength of character). It's cause I don't want to.

Best I can tell, I lost the desire through being wore out and scared enough after a few decades of extremely heavy drinking and chaotic, desperately unhappy living, to get back into AA and do the steps, and keep doing them. Somewhere in that first year or 2, i discovered I didn't want to drink any more. I keep doing what I need to and it hasn't come back.
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:47 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sweets79 View Post
...I'm just asking if anyone had any methods in dealing with the triggers instead of going to the bottle.
What Step are you are on? It sounds like a trite answer, but it's the only one I ever found. And maybe you have no interest in AA. If that's the case, then I have no options to offer you. I don't mean to make it sound like early recovery is easy. The days are more characterized by hanging on for dear life to not pick up a drink, than this trigger free bliss some of us talk about.

Hanging on for dear life to not drink requires some hope that you will make it through OK. I don't see how people manage to get through the first few weeks without that hope. Many do, but I just don't get it. A friend of mine says that the period between quitting drinking and starting the steps is the absolute worst time for an alcoholic. That's why he urges getting into the steps right away. I started working the steps with a sponsor the first day I didn't drink. Showed up to meet that sponsor a couple of times, after I had been drinking most of the day. When he gave me that first direction, hell, when he answered the phone, I felt some hope. That, and immediate action, kept me from picking up.

So, that hope was essential for me. Where does that hope come from? Well, it comes from seeing the truth. The truth that I was absolutely hopeless, and life sucked, and it was never going to get any better, and I was just going to go on like this for a very long time with everything getting worse. That hope came with full knowledge of my condition. I simply couldn't go on another day as I had been living.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:49 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I think it’s a good start to recognize your main triggers and do what you can to avoid them.

When I first quit drinking I was a bit of a recluse. I spent many evenings at home on SR and keeping myself busy (my mind occupied). I also didn’t return calls from drinking buddies. Avoiding people, places, and things that would plant that seed – “hey, maybe this time will be different.”

The Serenity Prayer and the mantra “don’t take that first drink” helped as well.

At the time, I don’t think that I had any other options. I did not have the mental strength or the tools to deal with “in your face” triggers.

Obviously, I couldn’t go on like this indefinitely. Sooner or later, the alcoholic obsession would be triggered.

I went through the 12 steps and developed a support network at a somewhat frantic face. Fear-based; I felt vulnerable. Gradually, my strength & confidence increased. Today, I feel good about my continued sobriety providing I keep up with my recovery program.

For me, there are also some common-sense practices I still maintain. I don’t go to bars and I don’t hang out with people who are getting hammered. I can do pretty much anything else and my sobriety is not threatened.

Best wishes.
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:56 AM
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Yeah, stay out of relationships for a bit. For me, at a year clean, I'm nowhere near ready to have one. So I'm abstaining. Very freeing. Gives me time to focus on my steps/recovery.

The longer I go, the less I miss having a b/f. For me, who's spent the past 44 years being totally codependent, focusing on others, I need to bring the focus back to me and what my defects are. The ones that are causing me crippling pain. I can't do that when I'm focusing on the type of f'ed up men that I am attracting in early recovery.

Because as soon as I get a b/f, I begin trying to fix and help him. I fill the God-shaped hole in myself with men. So I'm not doing that until I finish my steps and learn how to live in close touch with my higher power. I'm sure the new me won't be perfect, but I know I'll at least be happy. Maybe then, maybe I'll find a wonderful man, who doesn't need fixing. If I don't find one, I'll still be ok. In fact, I'm getting better all the time (isn't that a song, or something?).

Love,
KJ
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Old 04-29-2009, 08:58 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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does anyone have any suggestions or methods on how to just focus on myself,
Work the 12 steps-

THERE IS A SOLUTION. Almost none of us liked the selfsearching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.
BB page 25
Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They a rise out o f ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
BB page 62

The most selfish thing I can do today is not practice these steps. They allow me to be someone who is capable of having an adult relationship. People do not have the power to make us drink. In fact, under most situations they only have power that we freely give to them.
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:37 AM
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Right on, Steve! I just love that part of the book, and I revisit it frequently. Hell, I live in those sections of the book.

It's so funny how those words all make sense only in hindsight. After a transformation that allowed me to see clearly. First time through, I not only didn't get it, I was incapable of getting it. Today it just fills me up.
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:39 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Like flutter said above, drinking in response to the actions/words of others is not putting them first. It's putting me first. Instead of dealing with these situations like a responsible adult (How can I be helpful? If I can't be helpful, how can I detach?), I'll just drink and make their stuff all about me. I was the queen of, "Look what YOU made ME do."

Meetings, sponsor, steps = freedom.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:06 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by collinsmi View Post
I think you have to do something so you don't want to drink any more. If I had to go through life wanting to drink because of a stressful situation, an unhappy relationship, or whatever other trigger was floating around, I'd last till about noon. If nothing was handy I'd dig in my past till I came up with something. I most certainly am an alcoholic, but I don't drink, and haven't for quite a few years. Why? (Hint - it doesn't involve strength of character). It's cause I don't want to.

Best I can tell, I lost the desire through being wore out and scared enough after a few decades of extremely heavy drinking and chaotic, desperately unhappy living, to get back into AA and do the steps, and keep doing them. Somewhere in that first year or 2, i discovered I didn't want to drink any more. I keep doing what I need to and it hasn't come back.
That's what's been going on with me for the past few years, and sometimes I didn't even make it till noon...How much I drank depended on exactly what was going on at the time and how bad I felt...and if it was the feeling of being lonely, I would start thinking about things in the past that had gone wrong..( like you said looking for a reason) and just drink anyway...I haven't had any physical symptoms of withdrawal, that's probably also because I didn't drink that much last week...usually if I drink ALOT and stop abruptly I might have a slight physical withdrawal... but I am having LOTS of irritation, depression, and hopelessness.
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:08 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by keithj View Post
What Step are you are on? It sounds like a trite answer, but it's the only one I ever found. And maybe you have no interest in AA. If that's the case, then I have no options to offer you. I don't mean to make it sound like early recovery is easy. The days are more characterized by hanging on for dear life to not pick up a drink, than this trigger free bliss some of us talk about.

Hanging on for dear life to not drink requires some hope that you will make it through OK. I don't see how people manage to get through the first few weeks without that hope. Many do, but I just don't get it. A friend of mine says that the period between quitting drinking and starting the steps is the absolute worst time for an alcoholic. That's why he urges getting into the steps right away. I started working the steps with a sponsor the first day I didn't drink. Showed up to meet that sponsor a couple of times, after I had been drinking most of the day. When he gave me that first direction, hell, when he answered the phone, I felt some hope. That, and immediate action, kept me from picking up.

So, that hope was essential for me. Where does that hope come from? Well, it comes from seeing the truth. The truth that I was absolutely hopeless, and life sucked, and it was never going to get any better, and I was just going to go on like this for a very long time with everything getting worse. That hope came with full knowledge of my condition. I simply couldn't go on another day as I had been living.

I haven't started any steps yet...I actually looked to see if there were any meetings for women in my area, and the site hasn't been updated since 10/08..I think there is a number to call for more info.
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:10 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by keithj View Post
What Step are you are on? It sounds like a trite answer, but it's the only one I ever found. And maybe you have no interest in AA. If that's the case, then I have no options to offer you. I don't mean to make it sound like early recovery is easy. The days are more characterized by hanging on for dear life to not pick up a drink, than this trigger free bliss some of us talk about.
Hanging on for dear life to not drink requires some hope that you will make it through OK. I don't see how people manage to get through the first few weeks without that hope. Many do, but I just don't get it. A friend of mine says that the period between quitting drinking and starting the steps is the absolute worst time for an alcoholic. That's why he urges getting into the steps right away. I started working the steps with a sponsor the first day I didn't drink. Showed up to meet that sponsor a couple of times, after I had been drinking most of the day. When he gave me that first direction, hell, when he answered the phone, I felt some hope. That, and immediate action, kept me from picking up.

So, that hope was essential for me. Where does that hope come from? Well, it comes from seeing the truth. The truth that I was absolutely hopeless, and life sucked, and it was never going to get any better, and I was just going to go on like this for a very long time with everything getting worse. That hope came with full knowledge of my condition. I simply couldn't go on another day as I had been living.
Actually that is very true...I was just wondering how people deal with certain triggers, but as of right now, I just want a freakin drink! The cravings are horrible!
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:12 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gravity View Post
I think it’s a good start to recognize your main triggers and do what you can to avoid them.

When I first quit drinking I was a bit of a recluse. I spent many evenings at home on SR and keeping myself busy (my mind occupied). I also didn’t return calls from drinking buddies. Avoiding people, places, and things that would plant that seed – “hey, maybe this time will be different.”

The Serenity Prayer and the mantra “don’t take that first drink” helped as well.

At the time, I don’t think that I had any other options. I did not have the mental strength or the tools to deal with “in your face” triggers.

Obviously, I couldn’t go on like this indefinitely. Sooner or later, the alcoholic obsession would be triggered.

I went through the 12 steps and developed a support network at a somewhat frantic face. Fear-based; I felt vulnerable. Gradually, my strength & confidence increased. Today, I feel good about my continued sobriety providing I keep up with my recovery program.

For me, there are also some common-sense practices I still maintain. I don’t go to bars and I don’t hang out with people who are getting hammered. I can do pretty much anything else and my sobriety is not threatened.

Best wishes.
That's what I'm trying to do but I feel like I'm going nuts...What did you do to keep busy? I try but my mind wanders.
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:17 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
Yeah, stay out of relationships for a bit. For me, at a year clean, I'm nowhere near ready to have one. So I'm abstaining. Very freeing. Gives me time to focus on my steps/recovery.

The longer I go, the less I miss having a b/f. For me, who's spent the past 44 years being totally codependent, focusing on others, I need to bring the focus back to me and what my defects are. The ones that are causing me crippling pain. I can't do that when I'm focusing on the type of f'ed up men that I am attracting in early recovery.

Because as soon as I get a b/f, I begin trying to fix and help him. I fill the God-shaped hole in myself with men. So I'm not doing that until I finish my steps and learn how to live in close touch with my higher power. I'm sure the new me won't be perfect, but I know I'll at least be happy. Maybe then, maybe I'll find a wonderful man, who doesn't need fixing. If I don't find one, I'll still be ok. In fact, I'm getting better all the time (isn't that a song, or something?).
Love,
KJ
KJ! Thank you so much for that...your words are very inspiring. I am relating alot to what you say..The thing with me is, if there isn't a man whom I desire in my life I feel so empty...I don't mean just any man, but someone I fall hard for (who's usually the wrong type of guy) which is a big problem...I think your advice is true about not getting involved with someone for awhile, I just wish I was more comfortable being alone and not having that feeling that I have to always have a man in my life...the loneliness has also played a role in my drinking.
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:21 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sweets79 View Post
usually if I drink ALOT and stop abruptly I might have a slight physical withdrawal... but I am having LOTS of irritation, depression, and hopelessness.
Which is probably withdrawal. Withdrawal doesn't necessarily have to be as severe as dt's.
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Old 04-29-2009, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Sweets79 View Post
Actually that is very true...I was just wondering how people deal with certain triggers, but as of right now, I just want a freakin drink! The cravings are horrible!
Just like I said earlier, sweets. I was given a direction by a man in whom the problem had been solved. He told me to go home, dump out what I had, and start working through the first 164 pages of AA's Big Book with a red pen and a straight edge. This was after we had read from the book the pertinent parts about defining alcoholism. So, I spent my first day not drinking sitting with that book and a red pen and a straight edge. And my 2nd day. And my third. And I muddled through work in a haze as best I could. And then we read together and talked some more. And he gave me more directions. And so forth and so on into I life of which I hadn't dreamt and which I didn't think possible.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by flutter View Post
I actually found a lot more calm in my sobriety once I STOPPED putting me, and my need for instant gratification first. MY choice to deal with life's fumbles led ME to drink.. me me me. I had to find worth outside myself before I could find it within. I wasn't enough to get sober for at first...I had to see the bigger picture, but I'm sure as hell enough to stay sober for now.

just my own lil humble opinion
Actually now that you bring that up...It's making me realize that I could have chose detaching myself from certain situations when red flags went up instead of drinking...I guess I felt I needed that person so bad, I would overlook things I should not have, and the alcohol helped me escape those unpleasant feelings of knowing something was not right, but in reality those feelings and the wrong things that were going on were still there. Not sure if that was the point you were trying to make, but that's what I am getting out of it...When I noticed things seeming odd in the past 2 relationships I'd been involved in..I should have reevaluated my feelings and chose to detach instead of choosing alcohol to make it go away.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:20 PM
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Womens' meetings sound like an excellent idea. Might want to find closed big book or step studies too. If you can't get to that right this moment, might try listening to this:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/...conf200232.mp3

Got some interesting things to say about your (our) condition. Some good ones right near the end.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:33 PM
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in case that link doesn't work, try:

XA-Speakers - The lights are on! speakers > alcoholics anonymous > (dont click on official site part) > single speakers > page 14 (down at the bottom) > clancy i 10th sponsorship conf - seattle
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:35 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by collinsmi View Post
Womens' meetings sound like an excellent idea. Might want to find closed big book or step studies too. If you can't get to that right this moment, might try listening to this:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/...conf200232.mp3

Got some interesting things to say about your (our) condition. Some good ones right near the end.
Thank you so much for posting this link! It works, and I am into about 7 minutes of it...I'm going to listen to the whole thing...and that joke really made me laugh out loud in the beginning, that was great!, first thing that made me smile all day... I'm gonna have to use that one...I will post after listening.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:39 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sweets79 View Post
That's what I'm trying to do but I feel like I'm going nuts...What did you do to keep busy? I try but my mind wanders.
500 days into sobriety and my mind still wanders. Not to thoughts of drinking but instead to more general worries.

To keep busy when I first started out:

Meetings (2-3 each week)
Talking to my sponsor
Listening to my sponsor
Reading (Big Book, spiritual books)
Prayer
SR (asking for advice)
Movies
Work
Fitness
Visiting with sober family/friends
Playing with, loving, and teaching my kids.

In stressful times, just getting out of my head for a couple of hours gives me great relief & the strength to keep moving forward.

Today, I am able to be alone, to do nothing. Peace.

You know, if you make sobriety & recovery your absolute priority, be patient and do the work, great things will happen. Guaranteed.

Stay strong!
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Old 04-29-2009, 03:11 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by collinsmi View Post
Womens' meetings sound like an excellent idea. Might want to find closed big book or step studies too. If you can't get to that right this moment, might try listening to this:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/...conf200232.mp3

Got some interesting things to say about your (our) condition. Some good ones right near the end.
First off, thank you again for posting that...I listened to the whole thing fully...and there are some points that really hit home with me.

Early in when he was speaking, he mentioned switching to different kinds of alcohol...I noticed I've done that a few times... I would go from Vodka, to Whiskey, then maybe some wine, and by some wine, I mean a big bottle...Just thought that was really interesting.

I also liked the part where he talked about his feelings always being hurt...feeling like people are always hurting him, and feeling like he was always being patronized...I've definitely felt that way...

A few things really hit home with me...Towards the middle of his speach, when he was talking about the phenomenon of craving.."When I drink I'm in a different mode" Also he was saying that when that feeling starts to fade you instinctively drink more to maintain that craving...I know that's why I would keep pounding down another shot...to hold that edge...that feeling that things aren't as bad as they seem, and when I was drinking I always had a glimmer of hope and a feeling of strength...When I stopped the hope was gone and the weak feeling came back...That is the psychological addiction for me...He was a great speaker and very on point about alot of things...

He had also said..."Give me a way to get the edge without drinking, and I will do it". I can't say how many times I've thought that to myself...I used to say to myself, if only there was another way to get this feeling I would stop drinking...

"I don't drink because I'm a drinker, I drink because I'm a feeler"...I also found that very thought provoking and interesting...

I think what struck me the most was when he said, alot of people say I'm sober now and it's so great, and his response is.."When I get sober and clean up, that's when it gets painful"...

He brought out alot of great points, especially when he was talking about the feelings of discontent and restlessness, which I always seem to have...alot of what he said sounds like me...It's nice to know there are people who understand exactly what I'm feeling.

Thank you again for that...if you have any other links, I will be sure to listen.
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