Day of disgust/day of decision - demon possession/alcoholic blackout??
 

I believe I recently had my day of disgust or day of decision as they say. Here's my story: I am 25 years old and I'm currently in the Marine Corps. I have done very well for myself in many aspects of life: I work out like crazy - I do crossfit and I'm training for a marathon; I have gained great rapport and reputation in all that I do; I have gained popularity and support outside in the entreprenurial world as well. One of my mentors told me that our strengths lie very close to our weaknesses and I could not agree more. I give all that I can in all that I do - and guess what - that comes to drinking too. Well let's just say that regardless of all the so-called success I have in all of my other endeavors, I feel like an ultimate failure because I simply cannot beat this ugly thing called alcohol. I have drank heavily since I was 15. I've been in the E.R. several times from alcohol poisoning and almost died when I was 18/19. I drank so much and they made me stay in my room and I would get these horrible cramps that were uncontrollable - almost as if I was going to snap my own back. I could not stop moaning or crying - I simply wanted to die. I remember my neice asking me what was wrong with her Uncle and I could not even say anything except I was really sick and nothing would help me. My number one problem is I can't ever just have one drink. I will go to have one and I simply will not stop. I seem to get energy and it's gotten so bad lately, I drink not for one night but through the night into the next day, throughout the whole next day, the whole next night and sometimes 2-4 days straight. The next days are followed by a hangover that is about 2-3 days long and massive depression and wanting to do nothing but sleep and avoid anyone who wants to talk to me. This obviously IS NOT WORKING. I've actually moved my brother out here to California with me to get him away from drugs and around a more positive environment. I have done that with the exception I feel like it's useless when he sees how I drink and he does the same thing. We end up fighting, arguing, disagreeing and then we won't even talk for several days. This last 6-7 months has been the hardest I've ever dealt with in my life and as I look back the one thing that continues to be a problem is my drinking. This is my vice. It is the reason I have not had the success I want in my business, my career, my relationships, finances, family, etc. I also feel totally hypocritical that I am in such good shape yet I drink like a fish and smoke cigarettes like crazy. That's almost like saying, "I smoke crack but guess what? i work out every day so it kind of balances it out." I don't even believe a lie like that myself.
Well here's what happened this last weekend I've been going through some problems and total devastation. I've had to let my pride go and just been in constant stress/worry/fear/humiliation because I don't even know what's going to happen with me. I went out to the store that night and I even remember telling myself, that little voice in my head, that I should not drink because even if I get a few beers or a bottle it's going to turn into more and it's going to be bad. Well I was in the liquor store for about an hour walking around trying to see if I could talk myself out of it all the while pretending to just be looking for something in particular. I finally gave in and got an 18 pack and a 40 of mickeys. I drank with my brother until the wee hours of the morning and called a girl-acquaintance of mine who actually drove over and took me to the store (because I simply refuse to drive drunk). I got a bottle of vodka and some monsters and preceded to drink for the whole morning. That bottle was gone so I decided to send her and get another bottle. Well I finished that bottle and decided to get ready for the party I was supposed to go to for my friend getting out of the Marines. It was only 6 in the evening when we showed up and I was already gone (as was my brother). What happened was we played beer pong for probably 5 or 6 hours straight non-stop. Mind you I did not eat all day. I simply do not remember at all what happened next. I've blacked out many times before and I'll wake up embarassed either at what I did or completely sore because I obviously did something stupid. Well, apparently, I tried to fight my friends and I don't know if anyone has ever heard of this but they held me down and choked me out and I guess I started snarling, foaming at the mouth, and growling - they tried to hold me down (and these are big sized guys) and I threw them off of me - like not natural human strength. I apparently got up and tried to run and jump off the roof (we were on a 5-7 story rooftop). They tackled me I threw them off and preceded to run to the other side and try to jump off. Somehow they choked me out twice and apparently were yelling things in my ear like, "In the name of Jesus leave this body," etc and that's when I flipped out I guess.
Either way, whether demon possession is really real or not, I am simply not proud of the fact I can't control myself. I feel so helpless I simply do not want to live. My car window is broken, nice glasses are gone. Everything I ever have that is good gets broken because apparently I am insane. I was told that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to change. My whole body is like bashed up - elbows, shoulders, knees, knuckles, head, neck. I don't even have motivation to get up and do anything anymore. I don't want to answer my phone. I simply do not even want to work. I sometimes feel that it would be better to be dead than to have to continue to go through this.
I watched my mom be an alcoholic her whole life. She lived on the streets and I'm very lucky she never died. She has been sober now the last 6 years or so and has cirrhosis of the liver. She has even quit cigarettes without second thoughts. I finally made peace with her and we forgave each other and what not, etc. and now I know I've got to get rid of this demon before it gets rid of me. I feel like I'm called to do so much in this life and I have very lofty goals - almost unimaginable for people to think I'll ever achieve them. I used to believe I can do it no matter what. That it is impossible to stop a man or woman who won't quit. Well I feel exactly that now, it is impossible to stop a man or woman who won't quit....drinking. I want to quit and I want help. What's the best first start.
I think what always holds me back is that it's so socially accepted not only in the marine corps but in my business after-events as well - and pretty much by all of society. I don't want to be this guy anymore. Your help is appreciated. Thank you all for the support and God Bless you.

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum.....:wave:

I'm glad you are looking into a sober positive future.

Please take the time to read this entire link
blackout drinking is discussed there...lots of good info

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I noticed you have Rule 62 as an avatar....:)
Do you know that is from AA?
I use AA for my recovery.

Thanks for sharing wieth us....do keep posting
We do understand and Yes! many of us have recovered

It sounds like you have accomplished many good things in your life. Look at sobriety as another challenge. If you work hard at it, you will achieve it. I no longer have to fight to stay sober. It's a part of who I am.

It's also socially acceptable to be a non-drinker.

Take care.

Devil Dog,
There are plenty of people who had achieved a certain level of success while staying round the clock drunk. You don't have to be homeless to be hopeless. Welcome to sobriety, if yo uever want to chat about being sober in the military feel free to PM me.

hi ReadyToLetGo! and welcome

I'm pretty new here but i have to say SR is a great place to get information and support so yeah like others have said have a bit of a look around and read.

It seems like you are pretty confused about what happened to you that second night of that particular binge. And I am not surprised. I am 32 and spent much of the past 12 years binging on alcohol and also drugs.... and believe me I have seen people do some crazy stuff purely from being drunk and sleep deprived (not to mention not having eaten like you said). I would say the only demon possessing you was the demon of addiction and that one can only be exorcised by not feeding it.

I get the sense you have a big opportunity here to get on top of this now, at the age of 25, if you take this seriously. I did a lot of damage to myself in the past 7 years from when I was your age. My first major black out which almost cost me several friendships (apparently I was stealing booze/cigarettes, yelling and biting people!!) was at 28.... I wish I had had the sense to change things then!

I wish you all the best!

welcome!!!

Yeah, there are large sections of society where drinking is a somewhat integral part of the social scene. I race-sailboats-and there is a lot of drinking that takes place at the regattas and even after the casual, Wednesday night races-referred to in many places as "beer can racing' but I can still do what I love and not have to take part in the drinking, because, believe it or not, there are a lot of folks participating that don't drink, or don't drink excessively.

I think as active alcoholics our perspective tends to get somewhat skewed as we gravitate towards other alcoholics or at best people that we think drink as much as we do.

Can remember clearly the first social event I attended newly sober, I was a little nervous because I knew that I would be exposed to drinking with a group of people that I had drank with in the past, a family Christmas party for the sailing club I belonged to at that time. Family as children were welcome.

I was a little surprised that folks didn't seem to be drinking as much as I thought they would, and if I had been drinking at that occasion, I probably would have been the heaviest drinker there!

All that being said, I still participate in those social setting where people drink, but I limit my exposure to the drinking, and I generally always avoid situations where the event is simply a pretext to drink, and I think we both know what those occasions are for each of us.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

The U.S. Navy has the best rehabilitation program in the country. Ask your command to get you in it. Trust me on this. A lot of grunts go through it, so you won't be the first. Semper Fi!

The Navy were the first to use Father Martin's Chalk Talk

I second joedris' recommendation, I went through the Navy program a few years ago, and it probably saved my life. I know it saved my career, I retired in NOV 08 with 34 years. My sponsor went through the same program, he's retired Navy and is an airline pilot. Tell your command you need help, it's there.

Welcome! The best to you on your journey!

Thanks for sharing!
 

Hi, welcome!

I was really glad you wrote your whole story given that I am experiencing similar issues. I am your same age, my father is an Alk, I have a very promising life, carreer and friends (who praise binge drinking) but I have risked everything (fortunately not lost everything) with my bingedrinking blackouts...I will not bother with any bad stories.

I have just decided to start the journey on Sunday and I am just out of the period you describe of not wanting to have any contact with life due to shame and of the 3 day hang over. Got news for you though...I found out in this forum that the 3 day hang over is actually withdrawal syndrome, read the post on what to expect when you stop drinking; I went through all the symptoms except seizures and realized in was not the first time. It was an eye opener cause I hanged to that criteria that I "did not meet" to think I was not an alcoholic...(yes I know, you need two out of four for dependance but I intepreted as I wanted to hear).

You found a great support; everyone in SR is open to helping you! You will find someone to talk to pretty much 24/7 in the chat section. I am afraid of how to go along with the social life which encourages drinking...I look forward to exchanging strategies to abstain during these gatherings (unless others think this is not a good idea, please comment if so).

Good luck! God bless you and congratulations on your decision!
I am actually very exited of the idea of my sober life as I am sure you are!

Wow well all I have to say is thanks everyone. Carol I did not know that was from AA - I'd have to say that's pretty awesome!

Judy, Question. I think I have had withdrawals before but those were extremely horrific after a whole week of drinking in Cancun - I've read about DTs and I'm positive thats what they were. I had one of those never-ending being in a dream, totally freaked out but when I woke up I was still in a dream, and it seemed to never end - I thought I was truly losing it. But I did not know the 2-3 days following a binge was considered withdrawals because I never really got too shaky or had cramps and spasms or threw up, i just laid around all day and put off everything I was supposed to do and watched movies and ate. You are probably right thanks for enlightening me!

Gravity I appreciate your philosophy that it's totally sociable to be a non-drinker too. I just need help embracing it when I've gone so long doing the opposite and it never seems to be fun if I'm not drinking.
SailorJohn thank you for your example and reminding me that this must be my choice and no one else's (with your quote).


I feel not so alone and I think with the extra support from someone who has already gone through and accomplished what I aim to, I will get to where I need to be.
It's ok to be a copy cat right (just as long as you copy the right cats ;))

Well I read the Big Book going through one of those depression/hangovers a month or so back, and I can't say from personal experience, but from what I gather the reason it works is because you have the environment and association.

A lot of people think that information and technology is the answer and well if that worked, you could say, "Here's a CD/DVD on how to not be an alcoholic," and poof, you'd be cured. BUT that obviously does not work or we'd just be DOING it. I think (and again speaking from intuitive thought here) that it's because with AA you have the environment and association to share your experiences, pain, struggles, joys, hopes, desires, etc together.
Just like a church they go once a week and grow in their faith and relationships. THAT MAGNIFICATION of the human experience I believe is what makes it all possible.

Here is my only dilemma. And I know it's just fear or a lack of knowledge or maybe just apprehension and getting looked at in a different way, etc. but number one, where do I go for AA. I reside in Oceanside, California.

To Stobert, Joedris, and NavySteve, thank you, I've already made my mind up to talk to my SACO and have them schedule me for the 1-2 week course which I've heard is great if, of course, you actually want to be there. Obviously it does not look bad if you volunteer for it. On the other hand if I keep procrastinating and lying to myself then I will end up either having to go to it, or it will just be too late and I'll be dead.

I also have heard (and if someone could please elaborate on this) that alcohol stops you from maturing (like spirutually, mentally, and emotionally) so if I've been drinking this long and even though I think and people around me think I've got a good head on my shoulders and got a handle on things, I honestly have not matured since age 15??? Kind of baffling and scary don't know for sure it it's true.

Anyways I feel better today and although it's only 2 days of sobriety I ran 16 miles with my IPOD - zoned out to the world and kind of talked to my God and I feel a whole helluva lot better than earlier today and yesterday just a bit tired and not looking forward to the weekend coming because it means temptations to drink.

Thanks for the support, You all are incredible!
Henry

Hmm....
Perhaps someone has scientific data on this.... Personally....I don't and there are so many varibles
to be considered.....I think it's impossible to say
definetly about anyone.

It's too much like a cop out ...IMO

Why not make a list of all you have accomplished
not for us....for your eyes only....see what qualities
you need to improve on.......

get into action....and move forward!!

:laughing:....The avatar choice?
That was no fluke
I have had many "God Shots" in recovery.


Good to see you again Henry

You don't want the 1-2 week outpatient course. You want the full blown,A**holes and elbows 4 week inpatient program. Semper Fi!

Early this morning, I googled 'black out drunk and being possessed' because of a recent event. I came across this forum and your story. I do not think of myself as an alcoholic, for I don't depend on it our drink all day/everyday although I have had binge times in my life. I mainly drink Friday nights and can get pretty gassed sometimes, but nothing too crazy. When I was about 15, I started experimenting with hard drugs. I've always enjoyed pot and never found it to be harmful, but I began smoking meth, snorting ketamine and cocaine and even taking ecstasy from strangers at raves. I did all these things in moderation and eventually stopped and grew out of it (thankfully). I still occasionally did coke though when I was drunk, only it was offered, I would never seek it. I eventually got to the point that coke was gross and damaging my soul and so I stopped if completely and shortly after met the love of my life. His love and influence make it even easier for me to stay away from all the garbage besides booze that is. I love him like I love my own parents, strongly, with my whole heart. I can't think of anyone else who could make me as happy as he does. I will now get to the point of my story...
Two days ago, I went over to his mum and dad's for his dad's 75th bday. We had a fantastic day and got into a bottle of Gibson's and a few beers. I ate a big meal and laughed a lot. We later came back to our place and a few family members followed and we ate and drank some more. I remember having a glass or two of red wine and thats it. Last time I looked at the clock it was only about 8 or 9pm. I woke up in my bed with a terrible feeling. My bf goes to work before I do and always kisses me goodbye, which he didn't do this am. I text him and asked what happened last night and he refused to communicate with me. I had absolutely no recollection of the previous nights events and felt completely lost. I have blacked out before and if you have, you know its one of the shittiest feelings. He wouldn't speak to me all day and we generally communicate wonderfully. If we're upset with one another, we let the other one know. Finally when he came home, he told me what happened. He said that everyone left and we were out having a butt. He went in and i kept jamming to some lynryd skynard on the radio. He told me to come in but I didn't. He came up a little while later to see where I was and I came outta nowhere and told him he had to '**** me' now. I was also half naked. I was yelling at him, cursing like mad,hitting him, abusing him mentally and physically. I told him if he didn't **** me I would go and find someone else that would and so on and so forth. He said my eyes were rolling and I was a different person. He was afraid of me. He said I seemed possessed. This scared the **** outta me. I am a very well natured, kind and happy human being. I have nothing to complain about realistically. I love him so deeply and can't imagine why I would say and do those things to him. Its really put a damper on our relationship now. I feel he doesn't look at me the same and doesn't trust me. He thinks I have hidden hatred for him which breaks my heart. I did drink a fair amount that day/night but no more than I normally do. I don't know if doing drugs previously in my life has effected my brain in a way or if alcohol really is the devil. When I drink, I'm happy, life of the party type person who loves to dance and have a great time. Why did I want to hurt my spouse? I told him that it wasn't me, but it was my body. I have decided I don't want to drink, ever, but I know it will creep its way back into my life until something else terrible happens.

Welcome to SR, Downtown. The post you replied to is years old. I hope you will start a thread of your own, perhaps in the newcomer's section, to introduce yourself and share of the forums experience.

I don't know if the alcohol is to blame for your behavior or if the drinking just unleashed some "possessed" person. Regardless, the solution is the same. Quit drinking.

You can do it, and it doesn't have to creep back in and do something terrible if you don't want it to.

readytoletgo...

I know exactly how you feel man. I just posted a shorter version of this. If you ever want to talk let me know. I could use someone to talk to that I relate with. Even if its about crossfit or drinking.

Demon possession, thats why long ago they started calling liquor "spirits". Some of them are evil.

Downtown may have resurrected an ancient thread, but having it BTT has been very helpful to me. babycat revived an old thread too, and that has helped me as well. So I'm thankful for these "mistakes", but perhaps they weren't really mistakes at all.

Best wishes to Downtown and babycat, and to the OP Henry as well.