2much

Ive been drinking stupidly for a very long time now....say .....8 years with one 5 month gap in between.

I am a very 'proud' self sufficient person. (I bracket proud because I'm not really)

I feel like it has finally become crunch time because I very much want to die. But I cant because its cruel, and I couldnt do that to my family and friends.

I generally am a very motivated person, I have achieved a lot in the past. Things that have awed others. But the drinking thing...its pretty much beaten me.

I know how evil this thing is... and part of me admires me for still being alive...Im not sure many people can survive this much hell. Crying numerous times everyday isnt good for ones soul.

So why cant I fix it? Why, when I'm screaming and crying at myself to not buy more cask wine do I do it anyway?

I discust myself.

Sometimes I think of is as a posession, or alter ego. And this person is beating me. I want to give it up, but I dont.

Ive lost a lot of faith in myself at giving up because Ive tried so many times and failed so many times.

I lie to people about my drinking and I do it very very well now.

People are losing respect for me because they see me deteriorating and becoming less motivated and less fun etc. but have no idea why.

I know there are programmes out there and did try a few over the years.. the best was the drug trial where they were testing naltrexone(a pill you take in the morning that eliminates any joy from alcohol consumption) with antidepressants. But the people I did that programme with arent there anymore and the new people told me my case was too extreme and that I'd have to go to a rehab facility and that that was the only option.

So i lied to them and told them that I had sorted it out via other means...

I know that if i stop drinking - I do suffer Grand mal seizures in my sleep. I know because I wake up and Ive bitten the inside of my mouth bloody. I also have smaller seizures that are like a paralell universe that last only 20 seconds or so.

I know these seizures are causing permanent damage. My memory is all up the ****. I have very little confidence in myself. And I can go vacant when people are talking to me very quickly. - I never used to be like that.

I dont know what I'm asking here...

I dont know what I want to hear...

I just want this cruel nightmare to be over. Its been so long.

FightingIrish

Hey there, 2much,

I was beginning to think that was my name too. I was very much where you are now 19 months ago. I see that you are into the arts and music. I was a pretty accomplished singer at one time (well, at least, I earned a good living doing it). I gave that up to drink.

Most of my drinking was in secret...when out and about with friends I could drink like a gentleman, but I would always finish the job afterward at home, alone.

I also got up every morning, put on a nice suit, and went to my "important" office job. No one knew that I had woken up in my own **** that morning. And no one knew that I had done the very same thing every morning for the past five years.

In high school I was "most likely to succeed", a marvel of activity and confidence in academics and about half a dozen school activities. Today I watch people who graduated behind me in school publishing books, working on their second doctorate, teaching college. Not that that makes someone a worthwhile person, but it's always how I judged other people, and it's what I thought *I* should have, but never seemed able to attain.

By the end I was drinking every night and on weekends morning, noon, and night. I never drank before work because "that's what alcoholics did." I did have standards to keep, after all.

The moment I gave up the fight was when things started to change for me. I admitted I couldn't lick this on my own. I had proven to myself day in and day out that, no matter how resolute I was to stop drinking or how horrible the consequences, I always drank again in short order. It always seemed like a good idea once the memory of the last terrible drunk passed, which it always seemed to do after about half a day or so.

So I stopped fighting and asked for help. I realized that I was just plumb out of ideas, and that I better try on some other people's ideas for awhile, even if that meant going to the dreaded A.A., an idea I always viewed with utter contempt.

I needed a medical detox, for sure. The intake nurse gave me two librium before even taking down my name, I was shaking so bad. It was hell, but the door behind me was closed for the time being, so I took advantage of that desperation, went to A.A. meetings every day, found a sponsor, got a commitment making coffee, and went through the program of recovery found in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous". I haven't had a drink since September 2007.

It is possible. Ask for help. Don't do it on your own. Call your doctor. Open the phone book and call A.A. Do it even though you don't want to. Part of my experience with recovery is that I had to start doing things I didn't want to do.

M

californiapoppy

Hi and welcome,
You will find confort and support here, lots of good advice.
My advice would be to go find a doctor and tell him everything ! Then do as the doctor suggests. Then post here, that's helps for sure.

Ananda

I related a lot to what you shared. I too covered my drinking and people only knew something was terribly wrong, but not what.

I went to a detox and rehab to get started in a safe environment under medical supervision.

I also had lost any belief that I could get sober, but somehow it happened when i simply made the decision to go to the rehab..drunk on my but and crying...but by golly i went.

I've 20 months now, and i rarely give any serious consideration to drinking or using....and believe me I never thought that would happen.

Work with a doctor and get some help, you can be sober too. It is possible

(hug)

shaun00

hi and welcome......some of that got so close to my drinking its scary..

I have a bit of my tougue missing to remind me of the place your in at the moment...your right it does feel like a possesion.

This is my experience..........alcoholism is only TO happy for me to talk about the problem day in day out......it wants you to believe its not possible.

BUT it is totally possible to live happily without the need to drink.
ive seen it time and time again.....good people that used to be hopeless drunks like me.......living a new life of freedom and peace.

Firstly......IT IS DANGEROUS TO STOP DRINKING WITHOUT CONSULTING A MEDICAL PROFFESIONAL...AND ITS IMPORTANT TO BE TOTALLY HONEST ABOUT YOUR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.

AA was the answer and key to freedom for me....it is possible here to call them and they will come and visit you..and talk of the solution they have found.

I havent drank for a number of years.......because of i gave myself to the AA program totally..and rekindled a faith in god.

I say this again....IT IS POSSIBLE TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT THE NEED TO DRINK AND TO FEEL CONTENT WITHOUT IT.

may god go with you.....................trucker

CarolD

Welcome back to SR....

I too strongly suggest you have an honest talk
with a doctor about your drinking.
De toxing from alcohol is a serious medical issue
it can be dangerous for you to try it alone.

Please keep posting with us...
We do understand your pain.


.

joedris

Dear 2much, From what you have indicated so far, I think you need to get some medical help ASAP. You really should get into a detox program and from there into a Rehabilitation program. You sound very depressed, but that's kinda normal for us alcoholics early on. You say you've had success with naltroxone and antidepressants and that's encouraging. But if the only way get back on that regimin is to get into a rehab program, then do it! End the nightmare! Get help. It's there if you want it. Once you complete rehab you can continue on the meds. Then get serious with AA. These are the same steps I took years ago and it works. I no longer need to take the meds, but without AA I'd be lost. Life is good for me now, and it can be the same for you. Go for it.

ralph9898

Please find a way to stop. It sounds like you are being given a last chance at life. You sound coherent and intelligent enough in your post to do what needs to be done. It is not too late. But with the seizures and other descriptions in your post, it sounds like you need some help, particularly with detoxing. Get the help. Let go of your pride. You aren't supposed to beat this by yourself. That is the point. That is probably why you haven't succeeded so far. You need to let go of your ego and realize that you aren't supposed to conquer everything in life by yourself. You need other people. You need the help of your higher power.

Alcohol severely damages your brain. Although the seizures are probably not good, it is the alcohol that is damaging your memory, confidence, reaction time, etc. It is not b/c you are weak or bad. Imagine your potential without alcohol!

Crying will never hurt you. Crying is yourself telling you that you need to make a change in your life. Crying means you still have feelings and know something is wrong. Make the change.

coffeenut

You already know what you need to do. Do it, now.

Welcome to SR. Please stick around and read what others have experienced.