Question about after having a relapse

Old 04-16-2009, 12:02 PM
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Question about after having a relapse

4 months sober is the longest time I've had sober since I started my drinking career. I was just wondering for anybody else that had a few good months sober and fell off the wagon but climbed back up after one slip if they had to go through all the ups and downs of the early sobriety? For me the worse was the first 2 months with the 3rd month feeling better and by the 4th month I felt so much better that the thought of drinking was a no stop obssesion.

But with only 1 slip and if I were to get right back up I should be getting back to feeling human after today right?
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Old 04-16-2009, 12:04 PM
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I don't know. The first 12 months was such a radically difficult and nerve-wracking experience, I don't care to repeat it.
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Old 04-16-2009, 12:11 PM
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Stay hear and you will get alot of feedback. From listening to others I think if it is one day it is a little easier. The longer you stay out the harder it is to get back. I am trying to be one and done. I am afraid of not being able to quit again. The fear is good for me. Good luck
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Old 04-16-2009, 06:52 PM
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I did return to drinking after I decided to quit.
I was in and out of AA for 4 years ..then

I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink

The sooner you stop again...the easdier it is.
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Old 04-16-2009, 07:21 PM
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For me drinking just one night is more dangerous because I come away from it thinking I can control it and before you know it I'm "controlling" it again and then it increases slowly or the next time I'm off on a binge. At some point it takes me back to where I left off. I've been through it many times.

Dangerous thinking for this Alcoholic.
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Old 04-16-2009, 09:14 PM
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I believe stopping after 1 day is much much better than going on a month long bender. Consider yourself lucky that you stopped after the 1 day slip.

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Old 04-17-2009, 03:35 AM
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Like Carol, I was also in and out of AA for four years before I got sober. Today, I just don't drink one day at a time. I don't look ahead to X years or X months sober because I have a daily reprieve from my illness. It doesn't matter if you have lapsed, if you really want to stop drinking, just start again today by not picking up that first drink.
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Old 04-17-2009, 04:26 AM
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I sure do hope that you can reach your boot straps, pick yourself up. Don't slide down the spiral. You have done well. I'm pulling for you!
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Old 04-17-2009, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by espresso View Post
Like Carol, I was also in and out of AA for four years before I got sober. Today, I just don't drink one day at a time. I don't look ahead to X years or X months sober because I have a daily reprieve from my illness. It doesn't matter if you have lapsed, if you really want to stop drinking, just start again today by not picking up that first drink.
This is exactly it. One day at a time. Sometimes 15 min at a time if that is what it takes. I slipped up at the beginning of the year with 8 yrs. under my belt. Everyday I am scared that I will drink. Just take a deep breathe because YOU CAN DO IT! Heather
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Old 04-17-2009, 06:25 AM
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Just my opinion Bard, but I think the danger with a relapse like yours lies in the fact that your booze brain now has a brand new all-time high to chase, either consciously or subconsciously. After all those months not drinking, that first drink back must have given you and your booze brain quite a little rush and that new high (or reminder of your original very first high from drinking back in the day) is the new standard for your brain to chase, even if you don't drink again. That make sense? I hope so and I hope you don't drink again, and I hope you can learn from your mistake and now set the example to others on here as to what one is supposed to do after a relapse. And it sounds like that is what you are doing.

Rock on!
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Old 04-17-2009, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Dean62 View Post
For me drinking just one night is more dangerous because I come away from it thinking I can control it and before you know it I'm "controlling" it again and then it increases slowly or the next time I'm off on a binge. At some point it takes me back to where I left off. I've been through it many times.

Dangerous thinking for this Alcoholic.
That was actually my experience. I 'thought' I'd just have one whomping good drunk for one night, then jump back into recovery and AA.

Needless to say, that was alcoholic thinking, and I was out there binge drinking for two months before I bottomed out again.
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Old 04-17-2009, 07:27 AM
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The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
Just prior to my last bender (December 14-16, 2007), I moderated my drinking for 13 months - yeah, I thought I was cured, that I wasn't an alcoholic.

"Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization" accurately describes how I felt when I came out of that last bender - utter failure, self-hate, fear that I was completely out of control, truly powerless to stop drinking by will-power alone. I honestly thought I was going insane (f**king scary) and it turns out that it was alcoholism.

But I was finally able to concede to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic.

In retrospect, that last bender was a necessary part of my recovery - the final incontrovertible piece of evidence that convinced me that I am an alcoholic and that I needed help.

The first few months after that bender were tough mentally - terrified of the future, extreme guilt over the past. I needed a recovery program and people to talk to to regain my strength. I have learned to forgive myself and trust that I never have to take another drink provided I keep working my program.

So to answer your question, was it easier to quit drinking after my last bender?

Yes: because I had finally accepted that alcohol had kicked my ass. No more lurking notion that I could drink like a normal person. I also had support through those first few months.

And no: because alcoholism is progressive in nature. I had never felt such mental anguish in my life. In those first few days, I was so close to checking into the local psych ward.

Bottom line: No matter how long it takes, we do get through those initial tough days so long as we don't give up on ourselves. The human spirit:

"A human being's ability to take on things, however bad they might be, in his stride and deal with them head on. When they talk about the exemplary human spirit, they talk about that combination of hope, faith, resilience, patience and related qualities which give the individual the strength to get himself out of, or through hard times."

BB quote from the 1st edition of the BB.
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Old 04-17-2009, 08:03 AM
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Hi Bard!

My last experience was a one nighter and within 1/2 hour of that first sip (gulp), I realized that there is no enjoyment anymore. None. I felt disoriented, guilty, and ashamed. The next day,I came here and posted. Since then, any time I feel those urges out of nowhere, I think to myself...oh, doesn't even feel good anymore, so why bother...

I think (hope), that this experience was the last jigsaw piece for me. Somehow, I had crossed the line from wanting to stop drinking (an uphill mental battle and a constant state of resistance) to wanting to live sober (much less effort and more of a state of acceptance).

Was this experience necessary to my sobriety? I believe it was.
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Old 04-17-2009, 09:06 AM
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My last drunk lasted 7 months.

I was hiding my drinking from my wife, the rest of my family, and I didn't want anything to do with AA ever again. I'd forgotten about the 10 years of almost living within AA.

I was in Eastern rural Colorado delivering food to people's homes. Every two weeks, 10 minutes at a time, I got to know these people and try to sell them ice cream, pizzas, Blue Hake or Halibut, Fantail Shrimp, Big Sams steaks, etc. But I had it to where all my last 4 or 5 customers of the night would offer me "a beer". Cunning, baffling, powerful.

My final drunk would be after I quit that job and came to work for my brother. I helped install and test computer type floors (ESD) and I was with a bunch of guys who liked to party. I even went on the wagon for about 6 weeks prior. Then after about 4 nights straight of watching them drink their vodkas and cranberries, I said, "Let me have one of those." I was off and running to blackout passout drinking and it didn't take over where it left off. It was worse. We went to Sharky's in Hermosa Beach and started off with two fer ones and after drinking about 3 rounds of those, I went up to the I always do... gave him a 20 and said "Make me a double Jack with a splash of coke and two ice cubes and I'll be right back for another. Oh, and 6 shots of Cuervo for my buddies." Next thing I knew, I woke up in my hotel with pizza puke on the wall, in my hair, on my bed. Some b-stard puked all over me!

No, actually, we had to leave that bar, and my buddies really wanted to party that night, so... we went from bar to bar until they wouldn't serve me anymore... even when they cut me off they said I'd go up to a couple's table and just start talking to them like I knew them, telling them jokes, making them laugh, drinking their drinks.

When I came back to my old group for a meeting I was coming from, "I don't want to face Gary again. I don't want to hear it. I don't need them." But I knew there was no other place in town I fit in. "Just keep coming back. One day at a time. Think through the drink. Go to meetings. 90 in 90. Do you want to quit more than you want to drink. Put the plug in the jug. Meeting makers make it."

So I went to my wife and told her, "I don't think I'm an alcoholic. Seriously. I want to try some controlled drinking. She said, "I'm not playing that game. You're dangerous enough when you're sober. I met you sober and that's the guy I know. Why don't you call Eric?" I considered the Marty Mann test. I knew there wasn't gonna be no 2 drinks. I was gonna surround myself with booze and I considered what life would be like without my wife.

I honestly don't know why I called Eric. I had no hope whatsoever that I would get and stay sober, yet one more time or that I would even want to. I was gonna punch Gary and choke him if he lipped off to me. But the fight wasn't even there so much either. I went in there with my head down and just asked if I could try this one more time. Gary said, "It's up to you bud. Either you're gonna do this or you're not."

At the end of the meeting, Gary asked me, "Do you think you have a problem with alcohol?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you want to quit for good and all?" I said "Yes."
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Old 04-17-2009, 01:34 PM
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Remember, our brains and bodies do not become less alcoholic as time goes by.

The disease grows along with us. It is progressive, and fatal.

I recall, after throwing up pieces of my liver in 1997 and getting doctor said..

"the next drink might kill you." I was restored to health. A miracle.

I relapsed in 2005. One six pack.

Within 2 the whites of my eyes were yellow.

I was lucky..still am, to be here. That binge lasted on and off for a year.

Only my HP caught me from hitting the bottom of that abyss.

The body recognizes the alcohol..(as if we never stopped)

Cunning, baffling, powerful! The cravings are worse each time..

Stop now..please.

It is easier if you do.

Hugs and prayers!
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