Csmcjewl

OK, as most of you know I've taken a break from the meetings. Thing is...things have been so much more relaxed and free-flowing I wonder if I should go back? Just getting away from Jennie and everything for the past week has been wonderful. I did drink 2 beers my first night, that night 31 but I haven't really drank since. I haven't been drunk or drank so often that it's alarmed me. What I want to know is...even though I know I have a problem, why is it easier for me to stay sober if I Don't go to meetings? Just taking it off my mind instead of spending an hour thinking about drinking everyday has really made things easier. I don't have to deal with Jennie, I don't have to sit and talk about my drinking. Am I just in some wierd denial? I'm not sure where I'm at but I know I'm confused about it. I don't wan to just abandon AA, but....things have just been so much easier since I stopped going. Although I haven't forgot anything I learned, it just seems easier to not go than to go and not get anything out of it because Jennie is there. I don't have enough time anymore to go to other meetings or to hit morning meetings. I just don't have the time. I'm working full time now and school starts next week. I just can't change my life any more than that. I feel sort of like everyone at AA is giving me the..."sigh..she's back out getting more pain" phrase but...I haven't gotten any more pain. I've loosened my pain upon myself by not putting so much pressure on myself to not drink. It's like by not having the pressure there to not ruin my day # whatever, I seem to turn down alcohol easier. I'm just so confused about where I stand right now. I don't quite know why I quit going or if I want to go back. I miss the people there but at the same time...I feel lost when I'm there. Jennie and her "cliqueiness" was getting unbearable and I just couldn't deal with a new job/school and dealing with her trying to make me feel secluded at AA. I haven't spoke to her in a week now and that's ok with me. She's no doubt still going. Since I've stopped though I see what a hold AA has over your thoughts. I see how they sort of portray drinking to be "evil" when I mean....people can't deny that they have a good time drinking. I don't know....maybe I am sliding backward. My b/f is scared to death that we're slowly ending and people seem conserned but...I haven't really drank. Are they seeing something that I don't see? I don't want to get drunk, I don't want to party...I just want a normal life. Is that really too much to ask? I don't want to be tied to AA for the rest of my life, I don't want to have to deal with this forever. I just can't do it. I don't want to see people who party as people who are "out getting more pain" because all I see them doing is having fun and kicking back while I'm being all anal about how many beers I've had. Maybe it's just that they don't have a problem with it and I do. I'm jealous, I admit that...and I'd love to not have a problem but at the same time....I know it's good for me. I don't deny that I have a drinking problem or I'm an alcohlic or whatever, I've established that much. What I havne't established is how to quit. Well, I do know how....I just....I don't know. Maybe it's Christina coming back or whatever, I just don't want to be that person who polietly decines an invitation because there is drinking. I got to see Christina's brother yesterday for the first time in 7 years. When I was younger Christina's family was like family to me. Sometimes I think I fit in better at her house than my own. They were my second family and they were drinking, so I drank...and I smoked with them. I shouldn't have...but I did. And I didn't regret it, I didn't feel guilty and yeah...I drove home totally high. I did regret that....but everything else, it's a time I couldn't have enjoyed without hanging with them and I wanted the full effect of being in their presense without being the "goody two shoes" I had always been in the past. It's not that they wouldn't have accepted if I didn't want to..I never did before, it's that I wanted to. I wanted to not say no for once. I don't understand this wierd turn of events in my head. I mean, maybe it's because I had 30 days and then I lost it at 31 and didn't get my coin, maybe it's that I'm just sick of trying...I don't understand. I'm a little scared of where my brain is taking me but I'm not sure I want it to stop either. I'm just having too much fun hanging out with people and doing things that I've missed out on the last 8 months. But at the same time, I"m scared to death that I'm losing AA and that I'm sliding downhill. I'm just scared and confused and really kinda lost in what's happening to me but powerless to stop it. Please help me.
Stacey

Busy

I hear what your feeling, i've been there many times in the last 6 months.I have been in and out of meetings and too felt like i didn't belong.I know that is because i haven't let myself reach out to these people, i can't seem to ask for help.Sharing at these meetings scares the crap out of me, but i have managed to get some numbers and know i'm learning that i need to use them.When i wasn't going to the meetings i did feel relieved as well it felt like the pressure was off to stay sober and not drink, but i have been told i can't stay sober for them.It has to be for me and if i don't want to for me then maybe i'm not ready yet.You have admitted that you have a problem and that is good but it may not mean your ready yet to quit, I knew i had a problem at 18 but here i am 15 years later just now trying to deal with it.I have managed okay over those 15 years but i can tell you i have no idea how i got here and i am very lucky i made it .Not everyone is that lucky and it gets much worse,right now if i thought about not drinking or using never again i would think how could i ever do that but i guess thats why you need to think one day at a time.I'm not sure if i'm helping but just be careful because your mind can be a scarey thing and it will take you places that you never planned on going.
Tracey

Music

Hi jewl,
If I don't know anything else, I know that the most deadly symptom of alcoholism is my ability to tell my that I don't have it, or that it isn't that bad.
I believe that if I haven't reached the point where I've lost something or am about to lose something that is more important than that next drink, I'm not ready yet.
AA will always be right where it's at for you so just do what you have to do until you're ready. I had to drink until drinking didn't work for me any more, then I could quit. I believe I needed a good enough reason to come into AA and stick with it. I guess you just don't have a good enough reason yet.
Just keep coming here and giving us an update. We'll still be here.

Anna

I agree with all the above Jewl. You may not be ready yet and when you are, you will know. It took me a long time to accept the reality of the situation. It seems to me that, right now, one obstacle for you is the 'forever' word. That's why many of us only look at it 'one day at a time'. It's hugely important. Thinking about not partying/drinking, etc. forever is just too much to deal with. If you try to take small steps, then the obstacle won't be nearly as huge. I hope you will hang around this forum and keep us posted with how you are doing. We are all thinking of you.
With love,
Anna

CarolD

where you had been CJ..I missed you!

No lecture from me..I need meetings...maybe you do not.

Good luck...I wish only the best for you

Csmcjewl

Hello,
Just wanted to let everyone know...I"m doing alright. I mean....I am taking one day at a time and deciding what I want to do with that day. Every morning I ask myself...do I want to drink today? And more often than not, my answer is Hell no. Things have been a little shaky...knowing my old best friend is in town has made things quite interesting. I've let Jennie go and haven't heard from her since. I think she will continue to go to meetings for awhile, but I'm sure that will eventually stop on her part too. I don't know...I'm busy with school, I'm busy getting ready to go back and busy with my new job. Busybusybusy...I barly have time to sit and think let alone drink. Things are going ok for now but I know I need to decide one way or the other. So far, everyone around me know's I quit going to the meetings and know's that I've still been doing ok. I don't know how they feel about me not going to the meetings. I can't tell if they think I have a problem or not, really...it's not my concern. I know Dave is concerned and tells people..."don't get me started, she's slipping." It pisses me off, it's up to me to decide what I'm doing. I'm going to talk to him about that tonight. That's what he did in front of his sister. I told her I quit going for awhile and I'm going to see how it goes but so far, it's been ok. Dave just shakes his head and goes..."Don't get me started, she's slipping...she's doing horrible...blahblah." I don't think I'm doing that bad and talk like that isn't going to make me want to be sober ya know? I really need to say something to him. But, everyone is out in the living room....there hasn't been drinking around me yet. I like it that way frankly....I prefer it to stay nice and sober at least at my house....So...I'm still kinda floating somewhere in the middle. I haven't decided to give up AA but I haven't decided to keep going either. We'll see where things lead me.
Stacey.
Ps. Thank you for all the support...I won't quit coming on here until i've made a final decision. I have a feeling though the second I sever all ties with AA related material, I'm doomed. So....I have a feeling I'll be around.

Anna

Hi Stacey, it sounds like you're doing pretty well. What bothers me is the lack of support from Dave. Believe me, it took me many times trying to stop to get it right. The fact that you keep on trying is great news. You need encouragement for what you have accomplished so far and for that you can always come here!
Good luck, Anna.

Don W

Hi Jewel, We are all different, so I can only speak of my experience. I hadf many of the same feelings when I started back to meetings. I could convince myself I could do it alone. The thing is that I get much more from meetings than not drinking. I get to learn and practice social skills in a safe enviroment. The key for me was instead of going to AA meetings I joined AA. Believe me there is a big difference. Have you ever heard people say don't be afraid of this or that they are just as afraid of you. Well in many cases the people at meetings are just like ourselves. They feel just as strange, just as out of place etc. There is no need to rush things I understand but, we can put ourselves at risk very easily. Keeping busy at work, with family was a way for me to isolate. When I am alone I am in bad
company and alcoholism knows this. Please be careful and keep us posted. Don W

Csmcjewl

You make an interesting point Don. I didn't realize that maybe I am isolating. I knew starting this job on 3rd shift that it was going to be a bad thing for me. I was going to head out to the meeting tonight. I really thought about it. But I just wanted to come home and relax on my day off ya know? I work 3rd shift for the next 5 days and the last thing I want to do is sit in the basement of the community center. It was 95 degrees and you can imagine what it feels like down there by the pool! Anyways, I'm staying away from everything right now...maybe i am isolating and I know AA is much more than just not drinking...I"m just not up to much of anything right now. Drinking or not drinking. I mean...I don't know. I guess maybe I am isolating....is it always a bad thing though? I'm kinda getting in touch with the real me before I jump head first into AA. I'm not drinking so that's step number one. Everything else just kinda falls into place after that. We'll see.....I plan on going to the open meeting tomarrow night so....we'll see how that goes.
Stacey

Don S

Hi, Stacey,
Been wondering about you--how's it going? Drop us a line.
Don S

Csmcjewl

Well Don,
Things have been interesting....They've honestly been pretty good except for my obsessed boyfriend that's just looking for an excuse to accuse me that I'm the same me. I realize that I haven't changed but...I don't know. Things have been pretty good lately. I drink when I want to drink what I want to drink and that's that....but tonight I kinda got into a fight with Dave and it's kinda ********. There were 6 beers left and we went and got taco Bell and decided that we weren't going to drink anymore. Well, when we'd both had 2 Dave goes...why don't we save the rest? Well, as everyone know's...by that point...it's too late. I'm gone over the edge and I need that other beer, if not both of them like my life depended on it. So, he gets upset that I"m trying to talk him into it and leaves. I thought that was a bad move on his part....well, I don't know. In my mind I'm going....this is stupid. Well....he comes back all angry at me and it's stupid. I don't know...I'm just kinda confused....he's putting altimatoms on me that I'm not ready to accept and I don't wnt to choose beer over him but I feel it's taking hold of me. It's grasp is so great that I don't know how to make it let go. I can't turn to AA, Jennie has already stalked that place to death...I'm avoiding her. I don't know what to do. I just wish he would leave me alone and let me drink. No, I don't wish that...I just wish I wasn't a drunk. I wish I could handle myself better than I can. Things have been fine up till tonight, which is why I'm on here...I guess that says something right...? Anyways, I don't really know what to write....he's mad at me and I'm not totally sure why...maybe he sees more than I do, I don't really know. I've got tomarrow off work though and I guess I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. I hate this.
Stacey

Don S

Hi, Stacey,
I'm glad you posted...I've been concerned that you don't feel that you can be sober if you aren't going to meetings. I found that reinforcing my sobriety daily was important, and many people find that if they don't review their strategies for sobriety they tend to go back to drinking behavior--usually by gradually increasing how much they drink each day, or by getting drunk (by mistake?) more and more often.

You realize there are folks right here who can talk to you about our experiences, and maybe help you work toward healthier behavior? There are articles about the "stages of change," and one of those stages is contemplation--when you're thinking about sobriety but haven't made a commitment to it.

For me that was the most important first step: moving from a desire to have a healthier life to a commitment to sobriety. The first--the desire--is something we wish for ("I wish I wasn't a drunk"). The second--the commitment--is something we plan for. That planning can involve going to meetings, or it can involve posting here every day, or it can involve making sure there's no beer in the house in the first place....

You say you can't go to AA, but there is plenty of information online here and at other web sites that can help you develop the commitment to be sober, and the tools to reinforce that commitment. Print out the 12 steps, if you're choosing to do them. I can email you plenty of written stuff I've saved, and others here can tell you what they've found useful. Phoenix started a great thread on the subject on this forum, and Wiebe's steady progress towards sobriety is now into a second thread. Printing out things you find useful so you can read them when you have an urge to drink can be really handy.

You describe very mixed feelings about alcohol. You don't want to be told to stop, but you also acknowledge that you have trouble stopping once you start. As you say, "well, as everyone knows...by that point...it's too late. I'm gone over the edge and I need that other beer, if not both of them...." Now, an outsider reading that immediately thinks "so, don't start!"

"Not starting" is a simple solution, though it can seem hard to implement. The first step is to realize that it is not a NEED. You could pour it down the sink and you'd survive. You WANT that beer, and you may want it so intensely that it SEEMS like a need, but if you call it what it really is you will realize that doing without it may be uncomfortable--but not impossible. Changing your language can be a useful tool.

Whatever recovery program you like, they all emphasize the importance of avoiding that first drink! Changing your lifestyle so the alcohol isn't easily available, not going to places where it's going to be served (or having a plan in place for when you do), planning for how you're going to respond when someone offers you a drink--the emphasis is on that first drink, because we all know that our willpower diminishes (or vanishes!) when there's alcohol in our system.

"...he's putting altimatoms on me that I'm not ready to accept and I don't want to choose beer over him...." Most people who drink "more than they should" (my mother always uses that phrase, and I've always thought it was amusing--so, how much "should" you drink, mom?) don't like to be told it's time to stop. It makes them angry.

When you're feeling calmer, you might recognize that, in his own way, he's actually supporting the goal you've expressed previously of controlling your drinking. My own opinion (and that is all it is!) is that you would do better not to drink at all. That drinking moderately is not a rational goal for you, because it isn't likely to happen.I don't think he's obsessed--I think he's frustrated, and he's having trouble responding to the mixed signals you're giving.

So I would urge you to think carefully about why you like to drink. What benefit you feel you get from it. What reasons you have for not choosing sobriety. It would be great if you would write them down and post them here. Because you have beliefs that support those reasons, and we could discuss whether those beliefs are rational. If you can recognize that they are not rational, and can change your beliefs, you can change your behavior. It's usually easier to get there by talking with others who have been there--whether you go to meetings or not!

Thanks for posting, and talk to you soon!

Don S

Music

Hi Stacey,
I believe confusion happens when I know I have a decision to make and I keep putting it off because I don't like either one of the choices.
The way I see it is that you need to choose between "not drinking" which by reading the quote above, you don't want to face, or continuing to drink and dealing with the problems it causes. So, you're trying to kind of half assed drink but not really 'cause you can't really let loose and drink like you really want to because Dave keeps getting in the way so you try to not drink so much so Dave won't give you ulitmatums which **** you off and make you want to tell him to get out but then you'd really be by yourself which you can't stand 'cause you need the relationship but can't really drink the way you want to drink so if you choose booze over Dave you'll really know what you are and you don't want to be alcoholic and powerless over alcohol and the problems that come with it. Kind of like trying to **** up a rope isn't it.
Make a choice here and stop the confusion.

Ninerfan

Now I know what a Chinese fire drill is. This whole damn thread is confusing. Jewel, if you want to drink, that is YOUR business. If you want to stop, we can help.

Music

:p

Don S

Well, Stacey, I disagree with niner. If you want to drink, we can talk about it. If you are drinking and have mixed feelings about it, we can talk about that. I for one don't dismiss you or your drinking that easily.

Moving from a desire to be sober to actually making the commitment to be sober isn't necessarily easy, and folks here can talk about how we made that change in our lives--what tools we used, how we overcame our doubts and urges, and what we did about lapses.

I believe that drinking behavior exists on a continuum--from abstinence on one end to heavy daily or binge drinking on the other. Some people get to a comfort level with moderate drinking; others (like me) decide that attempting to moderate usually leads to creeping along gradually towards unhealthy behavior. But nobody here can predict where your behavior is going to lead.

Whether you are drinking or not, please check in here periodically. There are people here who care about you and can help you develop greater confidence in your own decisions.

Don S

Music

JMO,
Stacey, when someone is standing at a fork in a road and won't make a decision which direction to turn there's one thing certain. They won't go anywhere from there.
Secondly, an alcoholic who's drinking, has no ability to make rational decisions unless that decision is to stop drinking. Until the decision to stop drinking is made, the alcoholic remains helpless.
Until and/or unless a person has lost, or is about to lose something that's more important than taking that next drink, he/she will continue to drink.
I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired before I could make a decision to do anything about my drinking. All I knew at that point was that I didn't want to live like I was was living any more. I was incapable of making a decision that wasn't drug affected. By that time, my whole life was based on getting that next drink. The only confidence I had was drug induced. I needed the help of other people and a Higher Power for an extended period of time until I could develope confidence in myself to make sound decisions.
What Don said about people here caring about you is true. The catch is that you have to want the help bad enough to stop making excuses for your behavior and be willing to change.

Chy

Stacey,

You know we will be here to support you, you made it to that 30 day mark because you were going to meetings and working the program. You've found a way to justify your drinking and yes, utlimatly the decision is yours, drink and die, be sober and live. We're here to listen and help, but you must do this for yourself and nothing we can say will get you back on track until you throw in the towel to your alcoholism. You know what you want, what are you prepared to do to get it? Just my two cents because I care and have watched your struggle!

Csmcjewl

God....I haven't written in awhile. It's 4:02am and I"m still awake...well, I work third shift, that's probrably part of it but...I"m awake. Thinking....I started out doing a homework assignment. Well, I should back up. I haven't drank since Monday. So, I guess that would make it 5 days? 6 technically? I don't know...I don't count anymore. I will admit though that Thursday my school week from hell ended and I thought...wow, I totally deserve a drink, I haven't drank in awhile (or so it felt!). Then I actually thought about it and realized it had only been three days. I catch myself with thoughts like that. Thoughts that surprize me and catch me off guard. Telling myself I deserve a beer because I had a long week. Well, I did have a long week but what good does drinking do to help it? Well, how did I come about drinking Monday? There were two beers from like 2 weeks ago sitting in the frige from the night Dave and I fought over me having that last beer. I said why not finish it because it was only three and he said why not leave it there? and I just couldn't. It absolutly drove me up the wall, the prospect of leaving 1 beer in the refridgerator. I just couldn't do it. Didn't see the point, didn't want to do it. I'd had 2, why not have 3? Well, so his beer and my beer were in there and I was sitting here doing hour upon hour of homework and I found that my b/f had looked at porn and lied to me the day before and that just kinda blew the top. A really silly reason I know but when you're fiance lies to your face I mean...I guess that's not silly and that's why I was upset. So he "evened the score" after apoligizing by "letting" me drink the last 2 beers. I smiled and jumped out to grab it like it was a glass about to fall. Pathetic, I know. Well, we both did a shot of his peach stuff and poured the rest out. (A feat I never would've been able to handle if I actually Liked the stuff.) But, I pretty much said...it's up to you. I don't care when I drink again as long as I know I will. So we both agreed on the Thanksgiving Bonfire, a yearly drunkin bash his friends have and I said...if you want to drink before then, let me know. So, that's where it stands. Problem is....I don't know. Leaving it like that sounds like a good idea in theory but as fellow alcoholics, you know it can never lie at that. My body craves it and wants it. Although I can knuckle down and do homework and keep myself busy with school, which right now I barly have time to sleep, let alone drink, it doesn't stop me from wanting to when I do have time off. Well, tonight I was doing this freewriting assignment for my creative writing class (my fun class ) and we were supposed to write for a half hour about the time we were most scared. Well, I know exactly when that was...it was when I went before the judge to get sentanced. Well, freewriting I was being vert honest and very raw with my feelings and before I knew it I was bawling like a baby bringing feelings like that out. Then I realized that tonight is the night last year that I was arrested. Technically by the day it's tomarrow but it was Saturday night. Then I really lost it...and I just...I feel so hopeless. Thinking about my struggle for the past year. Everything I've gone through, every stage of I'm going to drink, no I'm not, yes I am....sigh. The AA, the no AA. It's just too much sometimes. Where I am now and how far I've come without coming anywhere at all. It's all just too much. I don't go a day without thinking about AA. I can't make it through a day without thinking of alcohol either. I don't know what that means but I figure if I think I've got this thing figured out, I wouldn't be thinking about either. I'm doing ok not drinking right now...but....I guess that's just cause I"m so busy I don't have time to think. As soon as I let up for a moment, the thoughts start to fill my head. I'm diong full time work and full time school including Neuropsychology and 3 english classes. That keeps me plenty busy! But it's the downtime that I have when my b/f's not here to keep me busy that I worry about. Those are the times I need to worry about. I've managed to keep myself busy with homework thus far but...I'm going to graduate in December, I can't keep myself this busy forever. Eventually I'll have to face the problem again. Sigh, I guess....I'm just feeling very lost right now. I just don't know where to turn. Jennie the fraud has taken over AA even though that's really where I want to be. But I don't have the time to even go, let alone avoid Ms. Con Artisit I'm not really a drunk but I play one at the evening meetings. BTW: She's even up to making coffee at a meeting now, unbeliveable eh? I think she's almost convinced herself she actually has a drinking problem....I"m not even touching that one, I'm sure there is some psychological disorder I could attribute to that but I'm not touching that one. Anyways, I"m just feeling lost tonight...and I thought it might help to write. But now i've written so much the website probrably won't even take it so I'm going to end now.....I hate that it's been a year and I'm not a drastically different person than I was when I got arrested. I disgust myself.
Stacey

Anna

Stacey, so good to hear from you, and 'wow' you really said a lot in that post.

For what it's worth, here's my opinion. Forget about Jenny the fraud. Who cares and you don't have the energy to devote to that. As far as thinking about drinking/not drinking (AA) - early on it seems like that is taking over your life. I think you will gradually find other parts of your life will surface and take over, but drinking/not drinking will probably always be something you think about every day. It still hits me out of the blue sometimes and I think about it every day. But, that can be a good thing! And, no I don't think keeping yourself so busy that you feel like you're running away from alcohol is the answer. You need to confront your problem and deal with it. Keeping busy to a point is good because it's distracting and productive. But, you can't run away and hide from your addiction. I used to drink to reward myself too, nd for any other reason I could think of, for that matter. When I was deciding to drink, there was ALWAYS a reason. And, keeping beer in the fridge. I can't do that. I can say 'no' at a party/dinner out fairly easily, but I can't keep alcohol at home. I drank alone and there are too many long, lonely nights when I'd be tempted. I found it easier to decide to not drink and do it 'one day at a time' rather than plan when I would next drink. That decision would have led to obsessive thoughts on my part, absolutely, it would have been on my mind all the time. Deciding to not drink left me some energy to focus on the rest of my life and that was magnificent. So, for what it's worth Stace.

You're doing great. Many of us, me included, tried over and over again to stop and eventually got it right. And, even though you think an event like an arrest should stop you cold, it doesn't. That's just the disease - not a weakness on your part. Keep posting Tracey - we're all pulling for you here!! Congratulations on your upcoming graduation. That's terrific.

Hugs and love,
Anna