Confused....
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Re: Day 4
Originally posted by Csmcjewl
Well, it's morning after a 3rd shift but stupid me just drank coffee about 30 minutes ago. So, I'm eating a bowl of cereal to offset my upset stomach from too much caffinee...sigh, and it's 20 degrees outside! I just had to scrape my windsheild for the first time this year! I have made a couple of decisions that I truly hope will help my situation. I am droping one, if not all of my classes today. I went to a meeting yesterday and I hope to hit another one tonight. I am going to focus on hobbies and things that make me happy. So, that's kinda the plan. I'm just gonna kinda go with it and see what happens. It has been a long difficult couple of days for me. I know that even if I have more problems than just drinking, I need to deal with the drinking first and foremost. I just don't do anything else crazy when I'm sober. I'm like a totally normal human being sober but trying to stop so many times with these fruitless efforts has really honestly driven me insane! I need to take hold and deal with my sobriety number one. It is now the most important thing in my life. Hence, dropping classes that stress me out. I will do whatever it takes to be sober or the alternative may not mean to be death but...I can't say I'm not afraid that it would be. Sobriety and AA will save my life, hell, it's day 4....it already has.
Stacey
Well, it's morning after a 3rd shift but stupid me just drank coffee about 30 minutes ago. So, I'm eating a bowl of cereal to offset my upset stomach from too much caffinee...sigh, and it's 20 degrees outside! I just had to scrape my windsheild for the first time this year! I have made a couple of decisions that I truly hope will help my situation. I am droping one, if not all of my classes today. I went to a meeting yesterday and I hope to hit another one tonight. I am going to focus on hobbies and things that make me happy. So, that's kinda the plan. I'm just gonna kinda go with it and see what happens. It has been a long difficult couple of days for me. I know that even if I have more problems than just drinking, I need to deal with the drinking first and foremost. I just don't do anything else crazy when I'm sober. I'm like a totally normal human being sober but trying to stop so many times with these fruitless efforts has really honestly driven me insane! I need to take hold and deal with my sobriety number one. It is now the most important thing in my life. Hence, dropping classes that stress me out. I will do whatever it takes to be sober or the alternative may not mean to be death but...I can't say I'm not afraid that it would be. Sobriety and AA will save my life, hell, it's day 4....it already has.
Stacey
This is a great post. I hope you'll print it out and save it, because I think it is clear, simple, and positive.
You've made a commitment and you've got a plan. That's great news! Keep it up. And you've got lots of folks rooting for you here.
Talk to you soon!
Don S
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Wow Stacey!
I haven't been to this thread for quite a few days and what a difference in you! Add me to the list of people who are really pulling for you. When sobriety gets to be a natural state in your life, and I think you have the courage and the honesty to do it, everything else in your life will be so much easier and rewarding. Someone once said to me that (assuming you don't die and can continue drinking for a long time) you have a choice about drinking or not drinking: a 1000 days sober is a 1000 different experiences; a 1000 days drinking is the same experience a 1000 times. I can attest to the truth of that. In years and years of drinking I can only remember a handful of discrete (fun) experiences, far outweighed by the awful experience of drunkeness and hangovers. Why we alcoholics need to repeat that negative stuff is hard to understand, when all of life awaits us.
Keep going Stacey; your spirit is inspiring!
Hugs,
Gianna
I haven't been to this thread for quite a few days and what a difference in you! Add me to the list of people who are really pulling for you. When sobriety gets to be a natural state in your life, and I think you have the courage and the honesty to do it, everything else in your life will be so much easier and rewarding. Someone once said to me that (assuming you don't die and can continue drinking for a long time) you have a choice about drinking or not drinking: a 1000 days sober is a 1000 different experiences; a 1000 days drinking is the same experience a 1000 times. I can attest to the truth of that. In years and years of drinking I can only remember a handful of discrete (fun) experiences, far outweighed by the awful experience of drunkeness and hangovers. Why we alcoholics need to repeat that negative stuff is hard to understand, when all of life awaits us.
Keep going Stacey; your spirit is inspiring!
Hugs,
Gianna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Meetings....
Hey,
On my way out the door to head to work. I cut myself again last night, sober this time. I don't exactly know why...it's just all the pain eating me up inside is driving me crazy. Then, when I came to bed I got into a fight with my b/f because of it, he started yelling at me and saying he doesn't want a psycho for a g/f. It was totally the wrong approach. Well, then he came back and kindly asked me...why did I cut myself? And I gave him an honest answer. It's like when drunks keep drinking and drinking, they are only hurting themselves. Well, this is my alcoholics self's way of making sure that I still hurt, drinking or not. I can't seem to commit one way or the other so...in the meantime I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. Well, I made a decision when I got up today, I went to class and didn't even come home, didn't give myself the opportunity to back out, I went straight to a meeting. There I saw a couple of old friends and I really just felt so touched being there. I told them about where I've been and what's been happening and they made me promise I'd be there tomarrow. So...I will be. I will be going tomarrow. But, tonight I've got to head off to work and talk with my b/f. Convince him I'm not psychotic, I'm just....sick of it all ya know? I'm sick of the pain and i"ve made a choice to make it stop. I will look to meetings and if that's not enough, I'll seek more help until the pain does stop. So...I hope it all works, I can't take pain like this much longer.
Stacey
On my way out the door to head to work. I cut myself again last night, sober this time. I don't exactly know why...it's just all the pain eating me up inside is driving me crazy. Then, when I came to bed I got into a fight with my b/f because of it, he started yelling at me and saying he doesn't want a psycho for a g/f. It was totally the wrong approach. Well, then he came back and kindly asked me...why did I cut myself? And I gave him an honest answer. It's like when drunks keep drinking and drinking, they are only hurting themselves. Well, this is my alcoholics self's way of making sure that I still hurt, drinking or not. I can't seem to commit one way or the other so...in the meantime I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. Well, I made a decision when I got up today, I went to class and didn't even come home, didn't give myself the opportunity to back out, I went straight to a meeting. There I saw a couple of old friends and I really just felt so touched being there. I told them about where I've been and what's been happening and they made me promise I'd be there tomarrow. So...I will be. I will be going tomarrow. But, tonight I've got to head off to work and talk with my b/f. Convince him I'm not psychotic, I'm just....sick of it all ya know? I'm sick of the pain and i"ve made a choice to make it stop. I will look to meetings and if that's not enough, I'll seek more help until the pain does stop. So...I hope it all works, I can't take pain like this much longer.
Stacey
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Hi Stacey, good to hear from you.
I think you're on the right track. When I tried to stop drinking I found the huge obstacle for me was that I was more comfortable feeling bad (physically and emotionally) that I was feeling good. After a week or so of feeling good, I would get anxious because it just didn't feel 'right' and I would drink again to bring back the bad feelings that I was more used to. Maybe you aren't sure you want to feel good. Maybe you don't think you deserve to feel good. I didn't think I deserved to feel good for a long time and I had to deal with that before I could get better. You say you are in so much pain Stacey and I feel so bad for you, but do you know why?
Thinking of you,
Hugs and love, Anna
I think you're on the right track. When I tried to stop drinking I found the huge obstacle for me was that I was more comfortable feeling bad (physically and emotionally) that I was feeling good. After a week or so of feeling good, I would get anxious because it just didn't feel 'right' and I would drink again to bring back the bad feelings that I was more used to. Maybe you aren't sure you want to feel good. Maybe you don't think you deserve to feel good. I didn't think I deserved to feel good for a long time and I had to deal with that before I could get better. You say you are in so much pain Stacey and I feel so bad for you, but do you know why?
Thinking of you,
Hugs and love, Anna
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: A van...down by the river!
Posts: 108
Stacey,
Anna brought up a good question. You say you are in a lot of pain. What is causing your pain?
Often self mutilation is a coping mechanism that people use to help them deal with their problems and pain. Much like we alcoholics used alcohol for. Either way, you are apparently trying to find some relief from severe emotional distress. The question is though: what is causing you so much distress? There is something. Something deeper than alcohol, and school stress, your boyfriend or Jenny.
Self mutilation is an addictive behavior, just like alcohol. The more you do it, the more you'll learn to rely on it to help you cope with your pain. Anytime you start feeling the need to self injure OR get drunk, that should tell you that you have emotions that are trying to surface that you don't want to deal with.
Think back to the times you've self mutilated. What does self injury do for you? What are you getting from it? You've got to be getting something out of it, otherwise you wouldn't do it.
How do you feel before you hurt yourself? How do you feel afterward? What were you doing or thinking about before you made the first cut?
The answers to these questions could be very helpful in providing the information needed to get down to the root of your pain. There is obviously something deep inside you that is crying out for help. Don't be afraid to face your emotions head on. You deserve to feel good. It seems like everytime you start doing good, you do something to make yourself feel bad again, like drinking or cutting yourself. Like Anna said, It's almost like you think that's what you deserve in life - to feel bad and have pain all the time. It doesn't have to be that way, Stacey. But you got to be willing to get help and face the core of what's causing your pain. Don't be afraid of finding out what it is. It doesn't mean you have to go to an expensive psychiatrist either. There are other options available. Talk to someone. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support.
Think about it. You're young. Dont throw it away. You don't have to just sit back and accept all the crap life deals you by drinking and mutilating your body. You have the power to make changes in your life and your attitude towards your own self worth. No matter what kind of pain you're having, or what kind of past you've had, remember, you can turn it around any way you want too and break the cycle. It's your life and it is worth fighting for.
PG
Anna brought up a good question. You say you are in a lot of pain. What is causing your pain?
Often self mutilation is a coping mechanism that people use to help them deal with their problems and pain. Much like we alcoholics used alcohol for. Either way, you are apparently trying to find some relief from severe emotional distress. The question is though: what is causing you so much distress? There is something. Something deeper than alcohol, and school stress, your boyfriend or Jenny.
Self mutilation is an addictive behavior, just like alcohol. The more you do it, the more you'll learn to rely on it to help you cope with your pain. Anytime you start feeling the need to self injure OR get drunk, that should tell you that you have emotions that are trying to surface that you don't want to deal with.
Think back to the times you've self mutilated. What does self injury do for you? What are you getting from it? You've got to be getting something out of it, otherwise you wouldn't do it.
How do you feel before you hurt yourself? How do you feel afterward? What were you doing or thinking about before you made the first cut?
The answers to these questions could be very helpful in providing the information needed to get down to the root of your pain. There is obviously something deep inside you that is crying out for help. Don't be afraid to face your emotions head on. You deserve to feel good. It seems like everytime you start doing good, you do something to make yourself feel bad again, like drinking or cutting yourself. Like Anna said, It's almost like you think that's what you deserve in life - to feel bad and have pain all the time. It doesn't have to be that way, Stacey. But you got to be willing to get help and face the core of what's causing your pain. Don't be afraid of finding out what it is. It doesn't mean you have to go to an expensive psychiatrist either. There are other options available. Talk to someone. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support.
Think about it. You're young. Dont throw it away. You don't have to just sit back and accept all the crap life deals you by drinking and mutilating your body. You have the power to make changes in your life and your attitude towards your own self worth. No matter what kind of pain you're having, or what kind of past you've had, remember, you can turn it around any way you want too and break the cycle. It's your life and it is worth fighting for.
PG
Last edited by PianoGirl; 10-07-2003 at 11:14 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Early Morning Honesty...
PianoGirl,
You raise some of the best questions I could think of. I can actually answer them but they don't have easy solutions.
There are a variety of things that are causing me pain. Beyond alcohol, which is a huge part of it. It's like I keep trying and keep failing and all anyone can offer me is "You don't try hard enough." Eventually, after enough failing I just feel so horrible ya know? Maybe I'm not "embracing" AA like I should be, I don't know what exactly I do wrong. It's like I think I want to stop drinking yet, a part of me just craves it like there is no tomarrow. A part of it comes from my b/f's friend. Oddly, the one I kissed the other day, Neil. He still drinks, and ya know...not around me. But I know he still drinks like I used to and I used to be his drinking buddy that he has replaced. I don't know...I guess, just being around him reminds me of my old life. It reminds me of how much I used to drink. Thing is...he always acts like it's the happiest life anyone could ever want. I mean, he's entitled to his own opinion but it certianly doesn't help my thinking.
Another big part of the pain is just turning points in my life. I'm graduating college, that really scares me. I guess...it's just the unknown. I've been going to college full time for 6 years now. I just see this empty meaningless life ahead of me. Working and that's it, 40 hours a week until I die. It's kinda freaking me out I guess.
Another part of it is the "wedding". I'm supposed to be getting married next year and it's just been a nightmare. My parents have no money for me, they can barly pay their own bills, but they own this house that "if" they sell it they promise me $10,000 for this dream wedding. Thing is, my dad could care less about it. It's like the final straw ya know? Growing up my dad hit me and there are rumors he molested me. As if that wasn't enough, I've got enough damage from my dad that I should rightfully be psychotic. I know alot of my problems stem from that. I feel like I'm hitting adolescence late with this whole thing. I think it's just all coming together though and the pain is all hitting me at once. I've remembered choice phrases my dad has said to me thoughtout my life and they bother me to this day.
1. I never wanted kids, that was your mother's idea.
2. You are only borrowing your bedroom, it and everything in it belongs to me and I can go through it whenever I want.
3. I care more about money than you.
The list could go on and on....I think those phrases are repeated in my brain more than anything. Now with the wedding, trying to plan it...it's just like made all those feelings come back. Hearing things like...well, let's see how cheap we can do the wedding for and work from that? What's wrong with just going to the courthouse? You don't need a big wedding. This only bothers me because even though I know I don't need one, I don't get that choice. I don't get any choice. And then there is my mom pressuring me..saying, You have to have a wedding! You're not getting married in a church? You have to! Why don't you tell Dave to shut up, you should get married where you want to. (although I've never said I wanted to get married in my church?) My parents are constantly plotting against Dave and our marriage. I have no money, no wedding and everyone wanting one like I"m supposed to come up with all the money out of thin air.
So, like I said...just the combination of all of this coming together, I just can't take it. People don't see how frail I am. My parents have made comments like that my whole life but it's just now really bothering me for some reason. I feel like I'm going to snap everytime my dad makes some..."Tell that THING you're marrying to shut up." (My dad actually said that last week)
All this adds up to too much pain for me to handle. Everything my b/f says just drives me crazy and I've found myself asking myself if he's really the guy I want to marry. It's like since I"m questioning everything in my life, I even question him which I think has a lot to do with kissing Neil last week. I just feel like I'm losing control of everything all at once. I've held it all together my whole life. I watched my dad beat my puppy when I was 13, I've endured him oggling my breasts ever since I've had them. I've dealt with just about all that I can. With everyone pressuring me about the wedding and about graduation and my own pressures to drink. I just....I want it all to end.
How do I feel before I cut myself?
I feel peaceful. I feel like the whole world has stopped and I can just relax and it's almost like bleeding the pain out of me. I've never really thought about that before. How I feel....I feel like I'm taking the pain from inside myself and putting it on display for the world to see. I just want them to realize how they are hurting me by what they do. I think what bothers me more than anything is that they will never change. Nothing about them will ever change, they will always treat me exactly the same. The main problem is with my dad. He is the textbook definition of narsassistic. He thinks he is just all it. Here is an example. He constantly has to be boasting and talking about himself. Well, when he can't talk about himself he talks about me and how great and wonderful I am in college to make himself look better. He has my cousins thinking that I'm this stuck up bitch because of the way my dad talks. They think I think I'm so much better than them just because of my dad. I tell him to stop and he gets angry at me and gives me the "What, You don't want me to be proud of you?" He actually gets mad! I can't tell you how many times my dad has poured his drink all over me when I was a kid in a resteraunt because he was mad at me. Or how many times he would leave to go out to eat with my mom right before my favorite show was coming on so that he knew I wouldn't go and he wouldn't have to buy me food.
I know I"m bringing out alot of my life as a kid. I mean, to them my childhood was wonderful. I'm not allowed to say or feel anything different so I've kept this bottled up in me for so long. I've told my b/f ya know...we trade stories about who's parents were worse but...it really does bother me. I feel horrible saying it but I just wish I had different parents, I just wish I lived in a normal family.
All of this coming together right now is I think what drives me to just want to hurt, I don't know. I just do...I feel all of this pain coming out all at the same time and I"m so overwhelmed. I mean, working full time and going to school and now trying to fit in AA also. I mean, I feel wonderful when I go but...I really need someone to talk to. A person, not a roomful of people. I've never done well in groups and I know I wouldn't say what I wanted to.
It's wierd though because like, yesterday I cut myself this time, morning after I'd come home. But then when I was sitting in class at school I just felt so stupid for doing it. I'm ashamed of what I did but yet, when I got home today I felt compelled to do it again, even though I threw away the razor. I'm not sure what spawns me exactly...I'm not sure where the trigger is. Maybe just cause I'm so tired early morning my emotions are raw, I'm not sure. I was perfectly happy coming from AA and going to work, but...that was 8 hours ago. Nothing happened explicitly to make me want to. My b/f came to visit me and I found myself wanting him to leave so I could see if his friend had e-mailed me back. I know I need to deal with that. I love Dave (my b/f) but I'm not sure where these feelings have come from for his friend. I've always kinda liked him but...these intense feelings are really bothering me. I've hypothesized that maybe it's because he just drinks and doesn't judge me. He's happy letting me be whatever I want to be. I told him about cutting myself and his comment was that everyone needs to vent somehow. He is also on "happy pills" from trying to kill himself once. Maybe I just identify with him, I don't know. I"m not sure where this came from but I'd like to figure it out and get back to Dave. I don't like that I can't stop thinking about his friend. I don't like that. I don't know where it came from beyond he's depressed, I'm depressed, let's be depressed and drink together. Maybe it's just my bodies natural reaction to the situation. I don't know. I know I put alot of information in here but, maybe someone can sort though and let me know how to make the insanity stop. I'm trying to go to AA and get back into it but...I still feel dreadfully depressed and I still want to cut myself for reasons I can't understand. I'm not doing it but...I don't even want to do it, but I need to act out somehow. Please someone help me make this stop.....
Tonight Neil and Scott (dave's other friend) are coming over cause Dave has to go to bed early so...we'll see how that goes. I'm going to try and just look at Neil and figure out why I'm attracted to him all of a sudden. I don't know....I'm not sure what else to do but try to understand the irrational sudden interest in him.
Yawn....Tired! No cutting tonight.....
Stacey
You raise some of the best questions I could think of. I can actually answer them but they don't have easy solutions.
There are a variety of things that are causing me pain. Beyond alcohol, which is a huge part of it. It's like I keep trying and keep failing and all anyone can offer me is "You don't try hard enough." Eventually, after enough failing I just feel so horrible ya know? Maybe I'm not "embracing" AA like I should be, I don't know what exactly I do wrong. It's like I think I want to stop drinking yet, a part of me just craves it like there is no tomarrow. A part of it comes from my b/f's friend. Oddly, the one I kissed the other day, Neil. He still drinks, and ya know...not around me. But I know he still drinks like I used to and I used to be his drinking buddy that he has replaced. I don't know...I guess, just being around him reminds me of my old life. It reminds me of how much I used to drink. Thing is...he always acts like it's the happiest life anyone could ever want. I mean, he's entitled to his own opinion but it certianly doesn't help my thinking.
Another big part of the pain is just turning points in my life. I'm graduating college, that really scares me. I guess...it's just the unknown. I've been going to college full time for 6 years now. I just see this empty meaningless life ahead of me. Working and that's it, 40 hours a week until I die. It's kinda freaking me out I guess.
Another part of it is the "wedding". I'm supposed to be getting married next year and it's just been a nightmare. My parents have no money for me, they can barly pay their own bills, but they own this house that "if" they sell it they promise me $10,000 for this dream wedding. Thing is, my dad could care less about it. It's like the final straw ya know? Growing up my dad hit me and there are rumors he molested me. As if that wasn't enough, I've got enough damage from my dad that I should rightfully be psychotic. I know alot of my problems stem from that. I feel like I'm hitting adolescence late with this whole thing. I think it's just all coming together though and the pain is all hitting me at once. I've remembered choice phrases my dad has said to me thoughtout my life and they bother me to this day.
1. I never wanted kids, that was your mother's idea.
2. You are only borrowing your bedroom, it and everything in it belongs to me and I can go through it whenever I want.
3. I care more about money than you.
The list could go on and on....I think those phrases are repeated in my brain more than anything. Now with the wedding, trying to plan it...it's just like made all those feelings come back. Hearing things like...well, let's see how cheap we can do the wedding for and work from that? What's wrong with just going to the courthouse? You don't need a big wedding. This only bothers me because even though I know I don't need one, I don't get that choice. I don't get any choice. And then there is my mom pressuring me..saying, You have to have a wedding! You're not getting married in a church? You have to! Why don't you tell Dave to shut up, you should get married where you want to. (although I've never said I wanted to get married in my church?) My parents are constantly plotting against Dave and our marriage. I have no money, no wedding and everyone wanting one like I"m supposed to come up with all the money out of thin air.
So, like I said...just the combination of all of this coming together, I just can't take it. People don't see how frail I am. My parents have made comments like that my whole life but it's just now really bothering me for some reason. I feel like I'm going to snap everytime my dad makes some..."Tell that THING you're marrying to shut up." (My dad actually said that last week)
All this adds up to too much pain for me to handle. Everything my b/f says just drives me crazy and I've found myself asking myself if he's really the guy I want to marry. It's like since I"m questioning everything in my life, I even question him which I think has a lot to do with kissing Neil last week. I just feel like I'm losing control of everything all at once. I've held it all together my whole life. I watched my dad beat my puppy when I was 13, I've endured him oggling my breasts ever since I've had them. I've dealt with just about all that I can. With everyone pressuring me about the wedding and about graduation and my own pressures to drink. I just....I want it all to end.
How do I feel before I cut myself?
I feel peaceful. I feel like the whole world has stopped and I can just relax and it's almost like bleeding the pain out of me. I've never really thought about that before. How I feel....I feel like I'm taking the pain from inside myself and putting it on display for the world to see. I just want them to realize how they are hurting me by what they do. I think what bothers me more than anything is that they will never change. Nothing about them will ever change, they will always treat me exactly the same. The main problem is with my dad. He is the textbook definition of narsassistic. He thinks he is just all it. Here is an example. He constantly has to be boasting and talking about himself. Well, when he can't talk about himself he talks about me and how great and wonderful I am in college to make himself look better. He has my cousins thinking that I'm this stuck up bitch because of the way my dad talks. They think I think I'm so much better than them just because of my dad. I tell him to stop and he gets angry at me and gives me the "What, You don't want me to be proud of you?" He actually gets mad! I can't tell you how many times my dad has poured his drink all over me when I was a kid in a resteraunt because he was mad at me. Or how many times he would leave to go out to eat with my mom right before my favorite show was coming on so that he knew I wouldn't go and he wouldn't have to buy me food.
I know I"m bringing out alot of my life as a kid. I mean, to them my childhood was wonderful. I'm not allowed to say or feel anything different so I've kept this bottled up in me for so long. I've told my b/f ya know...we trade stories about who's parents were worse but...it really does bother me. I feel horrible saying it but I just wish I had different parents, I just wish I lived in a normal family.
All of this coming together right now is I think what drives me to just want to hurt, I don't know. I just do...I feel all of this pain coming out all at the same time and I"m so overwhelmed. I mean, working full time and going to school and now trying to fit in AA also. I mean, I feel wonderful when I go but...I really need someone to talk to. A person, not a roomful of people. I've never done well in groups and I know I wouldn't say what I wanted to.
It's wierd though because like, yesterday I cut myself this time, morning after I'd come home. But then when I was sitting in class at school I just felt so stupid for doing it. I'm ashamed of what I did but yet, when I got home today I felt compelled to do it again, even though I threw away the razor. I'm not sure what spawns me exactly...I'm not sure where the trigger is. Maybe just cause I'm so tired early morning my emotions are raw, I'm not sure. I was perfectly happy coming from AA and going to work, but...that was 8 hours ago. Nothing happened explicitly to make me want to. My b/f came to visit me and I found myself wanting him to leave so I could see if his friend had e-mailed me back. I know I need to deal with that. I love Dave (my b/f) but I'm not sure where these feelings have come from for his friend. I've always kinda liked him but...these intense feelings are really bothering me. I've hypothesized that maybe it's because he just drinks and doesn't judge me. He's happy letting me be whatever I want to be. I told him about cutting myself and his comment was that everyone needs to vent somehow. He is also on "happy pills" from trying to kill himself once. Maybe I just identify with him, I don't know. I"m not sure where this came from but I'd like to figure it out and get back to Dave. I don't like that I can't stop thinking about his friend. I don't like that. I don't know where it came from beyond he's depressed, I'm depressed, let's be depressed and drink together. Maybe it's just my bodies natural reaction to the situation. I don't know. I know I put alot of information in here but, maybe someone can sort though and let me know how to make the insanity stop. I'm trying to go to AA and get back into it but...I still feel dreadfully depressed and I still want to cut myself for reasons I can't understand. I'm not doing it but...I don't even want to do it, but I need to act out somehow. Please someone help me make this stop.....
Tonight Neil and Scott (dave's other friend) are coming over cause Dave has to go to bed early so...we'll see how that goes. I'm going to try and just look at Neil and figure out why I'm attracted to him all of a sudden. I don't know....I'm not sure what else to do but try to understand the irrational sudden interest in him.
Yawn....Tired! No cutting tonight.....
Stacey
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
My heart goes out to you with your cutting. I say this because when I used to get drunk as a teen I used to cut also. I was so mad that I was drinking so not to remember my childhood nightmares I started cutting see I would hate to have to drink not to remember then I would cut because I drank. I felt so lost and out of control back then. I didn't want to drink but this was the only thing that I thought got my mind off it. See by the time I kept drinking I started being angry about drinking. I felt like a loser because I could not deal without alcohol so I cut. I am however greatful once I got pregnant something happend inside of me that made me want to live. I stopped cutting and drinking but graduated to heroin. Now that I am in recovery I remember why I was doing it. I could not of posted this back then I just did not know why.
I write this so you will see you know why you are doing the cutting so you are almost there Knowing is half the battle. You get help and as much help as possible no matter what. You deserve it. As for the B/f he may not understand why and thats ok I don't think he should say those harsh words though that is another form of abuse. I hope he understands more when you talk to him because harsh words would or could cause problems as well
Way to go on the meeting thing you are on the right side of the road right now and thats a great thing so hang in there and talk as much as you can to get it out is a great relief. Isn't it?
Do me a small favor. Next time you want to cut next time you want the world to see your pain don't cut go to the source of the pain and let them have it tell them you can't and you won't take it anymore. Be honest and just say listen this has got to stop I am tired(fill in the blank) I am not goin to (fill in the blank) I know longer want to hear you say these things about my soon to be husband. and see how it makes you feel to instead of cutting yell scream and hollar. It is just an idea but I think if you could tell these people in your life the way you feel you can stop showing them the hurt by cutting. I know you might not want to tell them how you feel but it may help to get it out on the table
I write this so you will see you know why you are doing the cutting so you are almost there Knowing is half the battle. You get help and as much help as possible no matter what. You deserve it. As for the B/f he may not understand why and thats ok I don't think he should say those harsh words though that is another form of abuse. I hope he understands more when you talk to him because harsh words would or could cause problems as well
Way to go on the meeting thing you are on the right side of the road right now and thats a great thing so hang in there and talk as much as you can to get it out is a great relief. Isn't it?
Do me a small favor. Next time you want to cut next time you want the world to see your pain don't cut go to the source of the pain and let them have it tell them you can't and you won't take it anymore. Be honest and just say listen this has got to stop I am tired(fill in the blank) I am not goin to (fill in the blank) I know longer want to hear you say these things about my soon to be husband. and see how it makes you feel to instead of cutting yell scream and hollar. It is just an idea but I think if you could tell these people in your life the way you feel you can stop showing them the hurt by cutting. I know you might not want to tell them how you feel but it may help to get it out on the table
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
A song...
I've become totally addicted to this song at work, I've already listened to it like 10 times since I got home....It's called Numb, it's by Linkin Park. This song captures Everything that I am feeling. Watch the video for that song, that girl is so me. I mean, I guess I had friends in high school but....every other aspect of her is me, with the meaning of the song.
I thought of another thing, I hate to keep writing here but...I want to get it all off my chest, at least on here...I"m not sure it'll help me in real life but...maybe I can get some insight....
About the wedding thing, I guess it's more than just my parents don't have the money. I can understand that. I think it's more that my dad doesn't care about me having a wedding and he'd just assume not give me one. However, in my head I'm constantly thinking I'm not worthy of a wedding. I'm the only person in the world who has parents like this and who doesn't want their daughter to have a wedding. I mean, I think it just shows me my dad's compleate and total lack of any love whatsoever for me. He really doesn't give a **** about me. I guess i"ve kinda been just faking myself out my whole life or something. I think I'm just realizing it all at once. My dad doesn't love me and he never has. My mother sat by and let my dad beat me and my brother and didn't do anything about it. So, while she loved us...she didn't do anything to stop it because he was bringing in money. Money is the root of all evil. So, I guess I just have this overwhelming...why am I not worthy of a wedding? What have I done to deserve such torture just to have the day that's supposed to be the most memorable of your life? Why is mine destined to be hell every step of the way? When does the tourture from my parents ever stop? I would just assume not have a wedding and just like go to Vegas or smething. That was my idea...just say screw the family and leave. Well, then Dave Wants a wedding. My mom Wants a wedding. They all tell me this like I'm growing money on trees in the backyard and though I tell them, well...ya know. Everyone wants a wedding but no one wants to plan, no one has any money. They all just look at me and go..Stacey, I want your wedding to happen when I just want it to be over. I mean, I don't pretend, I do want a wedding. But I think I've realized a long time ago that I'm never going to get that wedding I've always dreamed about. Not even a big wedding, not even an expensive wedding. I don't even care about the wedding, I just want parents who love me. Parents who are proud of me not just to gain themselves status. sigh....Wow, I've gotten alot out today. I've got to get to bed. Thanks so much for listening to me. It feels so good to get some of this out. I mean, I've said it all before but....I guess not in regards to drinking and cutting myself. I never realized that I had so much pent up anger and frusteration. I mean, I know I do but....I didn't realize it was burning fuel on my self mutilating. I mean, I still want to. That's what I mean, I don't now how to stop. I want to hurt outside of myself. I don't want to hold this all in anymore. More than just getting it out. I want it all to stop. I want the insanity to stop and I want to learn to deal with graduation and my wedding and damnit, I want to stop drinking.
Sigh....I'm going to AA, I just pray that that's enough to stop it all. I have a feeling I need more though. I need more than just sitting quietly in those meetings. I need more than just Dave's input. He tells me to tell my parents to screw off and not speak to them. That's his plan...just don't talk to them unless they change. Well, you can see why he's not a psychologist. I love my parents and I want to do something about it. About me, about how I handle it because I know I can't change it. I want a wedding, I want parents who love me, I want to know that when I graduate I'm not heading into suburban hell straight to death. I see graduation as a black hole swallowing me into nothingness. Sigh, anyways, I'm heading to bed...I can't even think about this anymore....
Stacey
I thought of another thing, I hate to keep writing here but...I want to get it all off my chest, at least on here...I"m not sure it'll help me in real life but...maybe I can get some insight....
About the wedding thing, I guess it's more than just my parents don't have the money. I can understand that. I think it's more that my dad doesn't care about me having a wedding and he'd just assume not give me one. However, in my head I'm constantly thinking I'm not worthy of a wedding. I'm the only person in the world who has parents like this and who doesn't want their daughter to have a wedding. I mean, I think it just shows me my dad's compleate and total lack of any love whatsoever for me. He really doesn't give a **** about me. I guess i"ve kinda been just faking myself out my whole life or something. I think I'm just realizing it all at once. My dad doesn't love me and he never has. My mother sat by and let my dad beat me and my brother and didn't do anything about it. So, while she loved us...she didn't do anything to stop it because he was bringing in money. Money is the root of all evil. So, I guess I just have this overwhelming...why am I not worthy of a wedding? What have I done to deserve such torture just to have the day that's supposed to be the most memorable of your life? Why is mine destined to be hell every step of the way? When does the tourture from my parents ever stop? I would just assume not have a wedding and just like go to Vegas or smething. That was my idea...just say screw the family and leave. Well, then Dave Wants a wedding. My mom Wants a wedding. They all tell me this like I'm growing money on trees in the backyard and though I tell them, well...ya know. Everyone wants a wedding but no one wants to plan, no one has any money. They all just look at me and go..Stacey, I want your wedding to happen when I just want it to be over. I mean, I don't pretend, I do want a wedding. But I think I've realized a long time ago that I'm never going to get that wedding I've always dreamed about. Not even a big wedding, not even an expensive wedding. I don't even care about the wedding, I just want parents who love me. Parents who are proud of me not just to gain themselves status. sigh....Wow, I've gotten alot out today. I've got to get to bed. Thanks so much for listening to me. It feels so good to get some of this out. I mean, I've said it all before but....I guess not in regards to drinking and cutting myself. I never realized that I had so much pent up anger and frusteration. I mean, I know I do but....I didn't realize it was burning fuel on my self mutilating. I mean, I still want to. That's what I mean, I don't now how to stop. I want to hurt outside of myself. I don't want to hold this all in anymore. More than just getting it out. I want it all to stop. I want the insanity to stop and I want to learn to deal with graduation and my wedding and damnit, I want to stop drinking.
Sigh....I'm going to AA, I just pray that that's enough to stop it all. I have a feeling I need more though. I need more than just sitting quietly in those meetings. I need more than just Dave's input. He tells me to tell my parents to screw off and not speak to them. That's his plan...just don't talk to them unless they change. Well, you can see why he's not a psychologist. I love my parents and I want to do something about it. About me, about how I handle it because I know I can't change it. I want a wedding, I want parents who love me, I want to know that when I graduate I'm not heading into suburban hell straight to death. I see graduation as a black hole swallowing me into nothingness. Sigh, anyways, I'm heading to bed...I can't even think about this anymore....
Stacey
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Stacy
I feel for you, like most of us you have several issues going on,
for me I couldn't start recovering from MY issues untill I stopped drinking, and started working the program of A.A.
quote
I know I put alot of information in here but, maybe someone can sort though and let me know how to make the insanity stop. I'm trying to go to AA and get back into it but...I still feel dreadfully depressed and I still want to cut myself for reasons I can't understand. I'm not doing it but...I don't even want to do it, but I need to act out somehow. Please someone help me make this stop.....
once I was WILLING to actually do what was suggested, even though, it was hard to do. I started to see results almost imediately.
I am no expert but I know what has worked for me, if your trying to get back into A.A., I would suggest that you get a sponsor this time, if your anything like me,
I have to actually be in A.A. , not just going to some meetings when I can work them in.
I have a sponsor,
I have to be willing to follow peoples advice, and ACT on it.
I read my Big Book.
I put my sobriety first, before my wife, my job, etc.
you are welcome to join us at anytime, and start the healing ( how about right now?)
ultimately it is up to you to ask for a sponsor, and start the process.
I feel for you, like most of us you have several issues going on,
for me I couldn't start recovering from MY issues untill I stopped drinking, and started working the program of A.A.
quote
I know I put alot of information in here but, maybe someone can sort though and let me know how to make the insanity stop. I'm trying to go to AA and get back into it but...I still feel dreadfully depressed and I still want to cut myself for reasons I can't understand. I'm not doing it but...I don't even want to do it, but I need to act out somehow. Please someone help me make this stop.....
once I was WILLING to actually do what was suggested, even though, it was hard to do. I started to see results almost imediately.
I am no expert but I know what has worked for me, if your trying to get back into A.A., I would suggest that you get a sponsor this time, if your anything like me,
I have to actually be in A.A. , not just going to some meetings when I can work them in.
I have a sponsor,
I have to be willing to follow peoples advice, and ACT on it.
I read my Big Book.
I put my sobriety first, before my wife, my job, etc.
you are welcome to join us at anytime, and start the healing ( how about right now?)
ultimately it is up to you to ask for a sponsor, and start the process.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi all,
This is just my opinion!!
Jewl, I have to apologize to you for this because I'm going to be talking about you.
IF everything Jewl is posting here is the truth, and I do mean IF, some of the feedback being given is way out of bounds for the purposes here. We deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful. I don't see anything contained in those words about boyfriends, cutting, drugs, or anything else other than alcohol. This young woman IMO needs concentrated in patient treatment and counsuling....period. The problems other than alcohol being discussed here, unless one or many of you folks are professionals, don't belong here in this forum.
The question in my mind is whether or not the cart is being placed before the horse.
Jewl, as long as you stay in the environment you're in, and keep playing the dangerous games you're playing, nothing will ever change. You need to take the necessary actions to get yourself into a SAFE place where your problems can be dealt with by people who are qualified to handle your problems.
This is just my opinion!!
Jewl, I have to apologize to you for this because I'm going to be talking about you.
IF everything Jewl is posting here is the truth, and I do mean IF, some of the feedback being given is way out of bounds for the purposes here. We deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful. I don't see anything contained in those words about boyfriends, cutting, drugs, or anything else other than alcohol. This young woman IMO needs concentrated in patient treatment and counsuling....period. The problems other than alcohol being discussed here, unless one or many of you folks are professionals, don't belong here in this forum.
The question in my mind is whether or not the cart is being placed before the horse.
Jewl, as long as you stay in the environment you're in, and keep playing the dangerous games you're playing, nothing will ever change. You need to take the necessary actions to get yourself into a SAFE place where your problems can be dealt with by people who are qualified to handle your problems.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Well...
Well,
The way it is...is that if I get no help here and no one wants to talk about anything other than alcohol, well....then I get no help anywhere. I don't have money for "real" help. This is it...I don't have anyone else to talk to. Please don't take that away from me. This is the only place I have to turn right now, if you block that out I have nothing.
As far as everything that's not directly about drinking...Everything that I've ever stated on here is certainly related to drinking. I wouldn't be cutting myself if was or wasn't drinking for good. It's the constant battle that ends up causing more problems. There are plenty of posts on here that may not be directly about alcohol. AA isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing your entire life. How can you do that if you're censored to talk about nothing but the actual alcohol?
Stacey
The way it is...is that if I get no help here and no one wants to talk about anything other than alcohol, well....then I get no help anywhere. I don't have money for "real" help. This is it...I don't have anyone else to talk to. Please don't take that away from me. This is the only place I have to turn right now, if you block that out I have nothing.
As far as everything that's not directly about drinking...Everything that I've ever stated on here is certainly related to drinking. I wouldn't be cutting myself if was or wasn't drinking for good. It's the constant battle that ends up causing more problems. There are plenty of posts on here that may not be directly about alcohol. AA isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing your entire life. How can you do that if you're censored to talk about nothing but the actual alcohol?
Stacey
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
cmscj,You get help and as much help as possible no matter what. You deserve it( I posted this up above !!
Just hang in there o.k. Also they do have free care for those of us who can not afford it. I know you are going through a really hard time right now so maybe you should call areound in your area for some free help. They even have free beds in detoxes depending where you are but LIKE I SAID before you need to get as much help as possable if you want to stop this abuse. Please call your area detox and local councelors there has to be a sliding fee scale or something to help. I had the problem when I drank so I think it to is related to the alcohol. So just call around to see if they have free care available
Please feel free to vent at me if you like just pm me and if I can help I will. Anytime !!!
I cut myself when I was drunk because I drank alcohol and could not deal with life on lifes term. I was mad at me and drinking so I cut myself. Alcohol played a pretty big roll in my cutting and attempting suicide. Since I quit alcohol I have never cut or attepted suicide again. Alcohol is a very strong mind altering drug !!!
Just hang in there o.k. Also they do have free care for those of us who can not afford it. I know you are going through a really hard time right now so maybe you should call areound in your area for some free help. They even have free beds in detoxes depending where you are but LIKE I SAID before you need to get as much help as possable if you want to stop this abuse. Please call your area detox and local councelors there has to be a sliding fee scale or something to help. I had the problem when I drank so I think it to is related to the alcohol. So just call around to see if they have free care available
Please feel free to vent at me if you like just pm me and if I can help I will. Anytime !!!
I cut myself when I was drunk because I drank alcohol and could not deal with life on lifes term. I was mad at me and drinking so I cut myself. Alcohol played a pretty big roll in my cutting and attempting suicide. Since I quit alcohol I have never cut or attepted suicide again. Alcohol is a very strong mind altering drug !!!
Last edited by bubblze30; 10-08-2003 at 12:44 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Re: Well...
calat Stacey,
I didn't say you shouldn't come here. My concern is that as far as I can tell, you're not much better off than you were when you FIRST came here. I'm worried that you're not getting the kind of help you need.
The Big Book says that alcohol is just a symtom of the real problem. The question in my mind is: WHAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM?? There's nothing I'd like more than to see you post here saying that you'd sought professional help and that your situation had improved. I'm not seeing that! What I am seeing is that you're still talking about the same problems you were talking about when you first started posting. Ok, so you don't drink for a day or two or a week or so....so what's your point. Now you've escalated from drinking(and I'm sure if I checked there'd be drugs there too)to cutting yourself. Of course AA is not just about not drinking, but if that's all you do is stop drinking, do you think all the other stuff is just going to go away? If my memory serves me correctly, the twelve steps of AA deal with alcohol and changing my life 180 degrees, not cutting myself and dealing with a boyfriend.
Someone said once: "Any idiot knows what he knows, it takes a humble person to know what he doesn't know."
Again, my opinion is that collectively, the people on this board should be telling you to get professional help. There are plenty of programs available to give you the kind of help you need. It's up to you to seek them out...IF you really want help.
Originally posted by Csmcjewl
Well,
The way it is...is that if I get no help here and no one wants to talk about anything other than alcohol, well....then I get no help anywhere. I don't have money for "real" help. This is it...I don't have anyone else to talk to. Please don't take that away from me. This is the only place I have to turn right now, if you block that out I have nothing.
As far as everything that's not directly about drinking...Everything that I've ever stated on here is certainly related to drinking. I wouldn't be cutting myself if was or wasn't drinking for good. It's the constant battle that ends up causing more problems. There are plenty of posts on here that may not be directly about alcohol. AA isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing your entire life. How can you do that if you're censored to talk about nothing but the actual alcohol?
Stacey
Well,
The way it is...is that if I get no help here and no one wants to talk about anything other than alcohol, well....then I get no help anywhere. I don't have money for "real" help. This is it...I don't have anyone else to talk to. Please don't take that away from me. This is the only place I have to turn right now, if you block that out I have nothing.
As far as everything that's not directly about drinking...Everything that I've ever stated on here is certainly related to drinking. I wouldn't be cutting myself if was or wasn't drinking for good. It's the constant battle that ends up causing more problems. There are plenty of posts on here that may not be directly about alcohol. AA isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing your entire life. How can you do that if you're censored to talk about nothing but the actual alcohol?
Stacey
I didn't say you shouldn't come here. My concern is that as far as I can tell, you're not much better off than you were when you FIRST came here. I'm worried that you're not getting the kind of help you need.
The Big Book says that alcohol is just a symtom of the real problem. The question in my mind is: WHAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM?? There's nothing I'd like more than to see you post here saying that you'd sought professional help and that your situation had improved. I'm not seeing that! What I am seeing is that you're still talking about the same problems you were talking about when you first started posting. Ok, so you don't drink for a day or two or a week or so....so what's your point. Now you've escalated from drinking(and I'm sure if I checked there'd be drugs there too)to cutting yourself. Of course AA is not just about not drinking, but if that's all you do is stop drinking, do you think all the other stuff is just going to go away? If my memory serves me correctly, the twelve steps of AA deal with alcohol and changing my life 180 degrees, not cutting myself and dealing with a boyfriend.
Someone said once: "Any idiot knows what he knows, it takes a humble person to know what he doesn't know."
Again, my opinion is that collectively, the people on this board should be telling you to get professional help. There are plenty of programs available to give you the kind of help you need. It's up to you to seek them out...IF you really want help.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Hi, Stacey,
In my opinion it is great that you feel comfortable posting here, and I think you are identifying some of the reasons that drinking appeals to you. Dealing with those issues is going to be an important part of sobriety for you. I personally always find it helpful to write about things as a way of working through them, and I think your posts are getting clearer and more insightful.
Music's point is important: we are not trained professionals. We can sympathize, encourage, or relate how our own experiences affected our drinking and how we overcame it. But we don't have expertise in dealing with serious emotional issues. I can talk to you about my son's cutting himself, and his drinking, and my drinking, and perhaps you'll find something useful in that. But the suggestion that you look into free counseling options is really worth exploring.
As long as you realize that what you are getting here is support, not professional advice, then I, for one, feel comfortable with this conversation. If we can help you figure out how those issues link to your drinking (and probably to your drinking), even better. And if you're spending your time posting here INSTEAD of drinking, better still!
So, from my own experience:
When my son was cutting himself (and starting to drink alcohol) a counselor advised us that it is a pretty obvious way of drawing attention to yourself when you feel as though your distress won't get noticed otherwise. The compulsion then seems to take on a life of its own, but in your rational mind you know that you are making visible scars.
The most important step to take, in his opinion, was to make efforts to communicate effectively--not necessarily about the things that were distressing him (not always the easiest thing to do with a young adolescent). Just establish ways that he could communicate with us (me, especially) without feeling disapproval. Create the opportunities for my son to express himself.
In your case, you'd be turning that around: perhaps making a point of spending time with your father, and gently but persistently correcting him when he makes criticisms of your b/f, but also letting him see you more as an adult and less as his little girl.
I can already hear you saying that wouldn't work....Family dynamics can be complicated, and we probably awfulize about our parents more than any other family members! Only you can decide if it's worth the effort. I don't know if your relationship with your father (and mother) is beyond repair, or if it deserves to be repaired.
If it isn't, you'll probably need to work towards that effective communication our counselor was talking about. In our counselor's view, your cutting would be a result of the constant suppression of your emotions, and your drinking would be a way of trying to cope with the emotions. A way of keeping them out of your thoughts, at least temporarily. Most of us here can tell you that isn't effective in the long run, but it can be very tempting to drink right now anyway.
If the relationship is beyond repair, then you'll want to figure out how to accept that. I'm very glad I was able to make significant changes in my life which helped my kids. Had I not done so, I have little doubt we would have grown estranged as they grew older. But it was a conscious lifestyle change (sobriety) and a specific effort to focus my time on him (them) in a less harried manner. In other words, I had to work at it.
You've outlined several things you feel stress about; your situation with your parents is just one of them, although I notice that it figures heavily in a number of areas (no big surprise there!). From my perspective, listing each one and trying to identify the beliefs you have about that issue would be a good place to start. Then, you might find it helpful to think about each one separately, and discuss those beliefs here, so you can get perspective on how your beliefs might be exaggerated or irrational.
This can be a difficult exercise if you try to take too many at once! But if you can come to newer, more balanced, less distressing beliefs about one issue perhaps you can reduce your anxiety about that one....and then move on to the next one.
The feeling of being overwhelmed that we often get as we stop drinking can result from ALL of these feelings coming to the front of our brain at once! Finding a systematic way to deal with them was very helpful to me. Sometimes you can dispute the beliefs that are troubling you; sometimes you can persuade yourself of new beliefs. And sometimes you can just learn to accept things you can't change (now where have I heard that before?).
Thanks for posting, Stacey, and talk to you soon.
Don S
In my opinion it is great that you feel comfortable posting here, and I think you are identifying some of the reasons that drinking appeals to you. Dealing with those issues is going to be an important part of sobriety for you. I personally always find it helpful to write about things as a way of working through them, and I think your posts are getting clearer and more insightful.
Music's point is important: we are not trained professionals. We can sympathize, encourage, or relate how our own experiences affected our drinking and how we overcame it. But we don't have expertise in dealing with serious emotional issues. I can talk to you about my son's cutting himself, and his drinking, and my drinking, and perhaps you'll find something useful in that. But the suggestion that you look into free counseling options is really worth exploring.
As long as you realize that what you are getting here is support, not professional advice, then I, for one, feel comfortable with this conversation. If we can help you figure out how those issues link to your drinking (and probably to your drinking), even better. And if you're spending your time posting here INSTEAD of drinking, better still!
So, from my own experience:
When my son was cutting himself (and starting to drink alcohol) a counselor advised us that it is a pretty obvious way of drawing attention to yourself when you feel as though your distress won't get noticed otherwise. The compulsion then seems to take on a life of its own, but in your rational mind you know that you are making visible scars.
The most important step to take, in his opinion, was to make efforts to communicate effectively--not necessarily about the things that were distressing him (not always the easiest thing to do with a young adolescent). Just establish ways that he could communicate with us (me, especially) without feeling disapproval. Create the opportunities for my son to express himself.
In your case, you'd be turning that around: perhaps making a point of spending time with your father, and gently but persistently correcting him when he makes criticisms of your b/f, but also letting him see you more as an adult and less as his little girl.
I can already hear you saying that wouldn't work....Family dynamics can be complicated, and we probably awfulize about our parents more than any other family members! Only you can decide if it's worth the effort. I don't know if your relationship with your father (and mother) is beyond repair, or if it deserves to be repaired.
If it isn't, you'll probably need to work towards that effective communication our counselor was talking about. In our counselor's view, your cutting would be a result of the constant suppression of your emotions, and your drinking would be a way of trying to cope with the emotions. A way of keeping them out of your thoughts, at least temporarily. Most of us here can tell you that isn't effective in the long run, but it can be very tempting to drink right now anyway.
If the relationship is beyond repair, then you'll want to figure out how to accept that. I'm very glad I was able to make significant changes in my life which helped my kids. Had I not done so, I have little doubt we would have grown estranged as they grew older. But it was a conscious lifestyle change (sobriety) and a specific effort to focus my time on him (them) in a less harried manner. In other words, I had to work at it.
You've outlined several things you feel stress about; your situation with your parents is just one of them, although I notice that it figures heavily in a number of areas (no big surprise there!). From my perspective, listing each one and trying to identify the beliefs you have about that issue would be a good place to start. Then, you might find it helpful to think about each one separately, and discuss those beliefs here, so you can get perspective on how your beliefs might be exaggerated or irrational.
This can be a difficult exercise if you try to take too many at once! But if you can come to newer, more balanced, less distressing beliefs about one issue perhaps you can reduce your anxiety about that one....and then move on to the next one.
The feeling of being overwhelmed that we often get as we stop drinking can result from ALL of these feelings coming to the front of our brain at once! Finding a systematic way to deal with them was very helpful to me. Sometimes you can dispute the beliefs that are troubling you; sometimes you can persuade yourself of new beliefs. And sometimes you can just learn to accept things you can't change (now where have I heard that before?).
Thanks for posting, Stacey, and talk to you soon.
Don S
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: A van...down by the river!
Posts: 108
Stacey,
As a whole, everyone HAS been posting that you get professional help. I've not seen anyone here trying to take the place of your doctor, but rather just trying to be supporitve. Like everyone else here, it's easy to see that you have deeper personal issues that doesn't directly relate to alcohol addiction. There's nothing wrong with talking about them. We'll always be supportive here.
BUT, don't put walls up in front of yourself in getting REAL help. I work in the medical profession myself, so I know that each state has government programs available to give assistance and professional counseling to those in your situation with no money available. You need to get in contact with your local county health department and they can direct you to where you need to go.
Stacey, you're are going to HAVE to do something to make a progression in your recovery. You don't have to have money to do it. Otherwise you're just going to be like a hamster in a wheel, doing the same thing over and over and over, and going no where fast.
You're not going to get better by posting here on these boards. So, you shouldn't look to it as your sole means of help. You need more than that. You've got to make an effort to physically get the help you really need. You'll get encouragement here, and good advice (most of the time), but the real help you're going to need is the IN PERSON professional counseling. And it IS available to you if you seek it out. You're going to have to do something about getting it though. It's going to take effort on your part.
As a whole, everyone HAS been posting that you get professional help. I've not seen anyone here trying to take the place of your doctor, but rather just trying to be supporitve. Like everyone else here, it's easy to see that you have deeper personal issues that doesn't directly relate to alcohol addiction. There's nothing wrong with talking about them. We'll always be supportive here.
BUT, don't put walls up in front of yourself in getting REAL help. I work in the medical profession myself, so I know that each state has government programs available to give assistance and professional counseling to those in your situation with no money available. You need to get in contact with your local county health department and they can direct you to where you need to go.
Stacey, you're are going to HAVE to do something to make a progression in your recovery. You don't have to have money to do it. Otherwise you're just going to be like a hamster in a wheel, doing the same thing over and over and over, and going no where fast.
You're not going to get better by posting here on these boards. So, you shouldn't look to it as your sole means of help. You need more than that. You've got to make an effort to physically get the help you really need. You'll get encouragement here, and good advice (most of the time), but the real help you're going to need is the IN PERSON professional counseling. And it IS available to you if you seek it out. You're going to have to do something about getting it though. It's going to take effort on your part.
Last edited by PianoGirl; 10-08-2003 at 03:25 PM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
I do believe the same you may need medical help or supervision but its not for me to diagnos. I am simpley here and alcoholic and addict trying to work on my recovery and if I can or can not help a nother human being on the way well YEEHAA I say great. I had a similar problem and worked through it so by my experience strength and hope I do hope to help another trying to achieve sobriety. No mater how where when or why they stumbled onto this beautiful site. They are here and so are we lets help our felow alcoholic not hurt them. Hope to hear from you again csmc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Odd stuff...
Well,
There have been some odd things happening. Neil sent Dave, (the guy I kissed, my b/f's best friend.) a note basically saying that he's liked me for the past 4 years and that he's wanted to kiss me for a very long time, that's why he didn't hold himself back when I kissed him. It was really interesting because it was sooo romantic and so touching..I mean, if I wasn't engaged..ya know? It was just so filled with emotion and it took such guts because he basically said at the end of the letter, if you don't eve want to speak to me again, I understand. It was just so intense I guess, it kinda woke me up. I mean, there are people that care about me that I don't even know about ya know? It's like, here's my b/f's best friend basically throwing their 12 year friendship up in the air because he liked me so much he couldn't help himself. I know it's bad and all but...Wow. I haven't been half as despressed ever since I read that. It's really made me think about my relationship and really think about things. I realize that maybe I'm not ready to be married yet, it's the stress of it that's making me so crazy...well, a combination but that's one of them. It's the stress that drives me to drinking quicker than anything else. Neil came over last night and things were a little wierd but then today, I rewatched some of our old home video's that I took like 3 years ago and they just made me so...relaxed. Ya know? I mean, in a lot of them there is drinking present but...looking past that. Just looking at how relaxed I was and not just cause I was drunk, I truly looked happy. Drunk or sober. It didn't matter. Things were so good then. There wasn't all this...tension between everyone. I'm going to have a chat with Dave tonight and it's funny because if I hadn't have read Neils letter I tihnk I'd still be moping. I haven't cut myself since and I really don't think I will. I think that was just enough to kinda shake me ya know? At least from part of me wanting to die. I don't feel the pain that I did. I realize that it's up to me. I can drop classes, I don't Have to marry the guy I'm with just because we've been together so long. I don't have to get all stressed out over the wedding. None of that is a necessary part of my life. Oddly enough, I've chosen to not tell Neil I ever read that note but...it was the most romantic love letter that I never got.
I wrote back to him after he left last night and told him I've always had some sort of feeling for him but that we're both making a conscious decision to not act on it and that's just how it's going to be. I love Dave and...really, that's the only part of my life that feels actually right even though it's really kinda screwed up. Maybe it's because I know it's going to be ok. Things are going to be ok...I'm still going to hang out with Neil. Dave and Neil will still be friends. It's going to work. As far as drinking goes...I've kinda just decided that whatever happens, I'm not going to stress over it. I'm not going to stress over anything. I will adapt AA into my life but if I start getting stressed, I'm going to back off. I'm going to put forth the best effort I have though and I'm going to really adapt myself to it. I think that's what's best for me right now. I don't feel as though I really need professional help, I think moreso....I just need to feel loved. And I got that from Neil. Even if I can't receive it., it's good to know someone cares. I know I have a long way to go but....somehow that letter did wonders for me. I practically have it memorized.....Ok, well....I'm starving so I'm going to go eat.... Things are going to be ok.
Stacey
There have been some odd things happening. Neil sent Dave, (the guy I kissed, my b/f's best friend.) a note basically saying that he's liked me for the past 4 years and that he's wanted to kiss me for a very long time, that's why he didn't hold himself back when I kissed him. It was really interesting because it was sooo romantic and so touching..I mean, if I wasn't engaged..ya know? It was just so filled with emotion and it took such guts because he basically said at the end of the letter, if you don't eve want to speak to me again, I understand. It was just so intense I guess, it kinda woke me up. I mean, there are people that care about me that I don't even know about ya know? It's like, here's my b/f's best friend basically throwing their 12 year friendship up in the air because he liked me so much he couldn't help himself. I know it's bad and all but...Wow. I haven't been half as despressed ever since I read that. It's really made me think about my relationship and really think about things. I realize that maybe I'm not ready to be married yet, it's the stress of it that's making me so crazy...well, a combination but that's one of them. It's the stress that drives me to drinking quicker than anything else. Neil came over last night and things were a little wierd but then today, I rewatched some of our old home video's that I took like 3 years ago and they just made me so...relaxed. Ya know? I mean, in a lot of them there is drinking present but...looking past that. Just looking at how relaxed I was and not just cause I was drunk, I truly looked happy. Drunk or sober. It didn't matter. Things were so good then. There wasn't all this...tension between everyone. I'm going to have a chat with Dave tonight and it's funny because if I hadn't have read Neils letter I tihnk I'd still be moping. I haven't cut myself since and I really don't think I will. I think that was just enough to kinda shake me ya know? At least from part of me wanting to die. I don't feel the pain that I did. I realize that it's up to me. I can drop classes, I don't Have to marry the guy I'm with just because we've been together so long. I don't have to get all stressed out over the wedding. None of that is a necessary part of my life. Oddly enough, I've chosen to not tell Neil I ever read that note but...it was the most romantic love letter that I never got.
I wrote back to him after he left last night and told him I've always had some sort of feeling for him but that we're both making a conscious decision to not act on it and that's just how it's going to be. I love Dave and...really, that's the only part of my life that feels actually right even though it's really kinda screwed up. Maybe it's because I know it's going to be ok. Things are going to be ok...I'm still going to hang out with Neil. Dave and Neil will still be friends. It's going to work. As far as drinking goes...I've kinda just decided that whatever happens, I'm not going to stress over it. I'm not going to stress over anything. I will adapt AA into my life but if I start getting stressed, I'm going to back off. I'm going to put forth the best effort I have though and I'm going to really adapt myself to it. I think that's what's best for me right now. I don't feel as though I really need professional help, I think moreso....I just need to feel loved. And I got that from Neil. Even if I can't receive it., it's good to know someone cares. I know I have a long way to go but....somehow that letter did wonders for me. I practically have it memorized.....Ok, well....I'm starving so I'm going to go eat.... Things are going to be ok.Stacey
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Stacy
something you said, hit me between the eyes like a hammer.
quote
"As far as drinking goes...I've kinda just decided that whatever happens, I'm not going to stress over it. I'm not going to stress over anything. I will adapt AA into my life but if I start getting stressed, I'm going to back off."
Good Luck
Jay
something you said, hit me between the eyes like a hammer.
quote
"As far as drinking goes...I've kinda just decided that whatever happens, I'm not going to stress over it. I'm not going to stress over anything. I will adapt AA into my life but if I start getting stressed, I'm going to back off."
Good Luck
Jay
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Jewl,
You wrote this:
"I don't feel as though I really need professional help, I think moreso....I just need to feel loved."
See Jewl, this is the problem here. For weeks now you've been receiving love from the people in this forum, including me, in the form of concern for your welfare. You aren't able to feel that. The kind of love you're looking for can be found in pretty much anywhere if you're willing to pay the price. The kind of love I'm talking about is the kind that enables me to love me in spite of what anyone else thinks. The kind of love that comes from doing the right things and becomming proud of myself and gaining some dignity.
The very fact that you don't "feel" as though you need professional help is probably the scariest thing I've ever read.
You have fun with Neil and Dave. Soak up all the love you can and when it runs out, we'll still be here. When you get tired of drinking, drugging, cutting and hurting, we'll be here. And you know what, I for one won't love you any less than I do right now.
You wrote this:
"I don't feel as though I really need professional help, I think moreso....I just need to feel loved."
See Jewl, this is the problem here. For weeks now you've been receiving love from the people in this forum, including me, in the form of concern for your welfare. You aren't able to feel that. The kind of love you're looking for can be found in pretty much anywhere if you're willing to pay the price. The kind of love I'm talking about is the kind that enables me to love me in spite of what anyone else thinks. The kind of love that comes from doing the right things and becomming proud of myself and gaining some dignity.
The very fact that you don't "feel" as though you need professional help is probably the scariest thing I've ever read.
You have fun with Neil and Dave. Soak up all the love you can and when it runs out, we'll still be here. When you get tired of drinking, drugging, cutting and hurting, we'll be here. And you know what, I for one won't love you any less than I do right now.
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