So about this whole dating thing...
 

I hear the tradition is to wait a year before going back out dating. I can see that as being probably a good thing but I can't help to keep checking out the ladies and with spring in the air my thoughts have been on them more and more lately. I've had alot of bad relationships in the past if you can call them that. Mostly just someone you drink and screw one night and the next night she's doing the same with another guy. I would like to know what a normal relationship is and share my life with someone especially now that I'm sober. But I'm also the type that I tend to overreact to women problems and I would hit the bottle even harder then I normally would of in the past. And that's when the dreaded drunk dialing would occur guranting that I never would have a chance to redeem myself. And honestly for their sake it was probably for the better.

So just want to gather a few thought from you all. Wait a while or if I find someone I like give it try?

I'm in the same boat Bard. Lots of bad relationships. Yet, spring is coming and I'm sober. What to do.

The problem is, I've waited my year but I'm still not all that interested in a new relationship. Dating sure, but I find myself only wanting casual, no commitments. I think it's just that I'm scared of interacting with women sober.

I say, if you find someone you like and you trust yourself around them (and can avoid the drunk dialing) go for it.

It's different for everyone, but I think that staying out of relationships helps us get to know ourselves better, without the spotlight that comes from an intense, one-on-one relationship. Take your time, and just lo0ok for now. There's no harm in looking, just try not to stare, lol. Another question that helps is, "Would you date yourself?" If not, your'e not ready... and if you would, you're not ready, lol. Crazy stuff huh?

its not about an actual year thing. its about not killing your chances for a life simply to chase tail. ask yourself what a date, a relationship, sex, and
lovin' another person means to you today.

with those answers then scrub them squeaky clean against each other over and over again with genourous amounts of truthful honesty, honor, responsibility, committment, forgiveness, gratitude, grace, fortitude, hopefullness, charity, and of course, love.

if you can get your head and heart around all that good stuff, it won't matter about any one year tradition thing.

my first date / relationship / now-we-are-only-friends happened at three months and she had like nine months :)

we both made our way thru it and our lives just melted from each other. thats not always the story for everybody and we were aware of all the above going into it, so you do the math for yourself and your life.

at the end of the day, being dishonest about what you want, and what you'll do to have it, is the worse path you can take to resolve your challenges. Be honest and forthwright, always take the higher less travelled road, and you'll have the best times of your life! :)

godspeed

RR

The actual advice USED TO BE:

"No major CHANGES the first year."

Now this included job changes unless the job was toxic to one's sobriety, living arrangements, unless they were toxic to ones sobriety, not getting into a relationship if one was not in one, and not getting out of a relationship if one was in one, unless it was toxic to one's sobriety.

The reasoning behind this was simple ............................ all of the above gave the alcoholic and/or addict something other than one's self to concentrate on, as we all, or most of us can be 'side tracked' so easy.

The harder we work on ourselves, especially that first year, the more aware we become of our OWN faults and missteps, and hopefully by all this hard work will become a better employee, employer, partner, etc

It is still up to you as an individual as to what you do. It is not written in stone.

However, I will tell you, that in all my years in recovery, I have seen a lot more obtain and maintain sobriety, when they wait the year or longer, that I have seen make 'it' that have jumped into a relationship in that first year.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

So who is free Saturday night?

:c008:

I would say give it a try. I think the 1 year rule was just made up by cranky old timers.

tiburon

For me, I'm all about playing the field and taking it slow. My whole problem is not even grasping the concept of moderation - and I know that it applies to relationships too.

If you are one of those people who ends up in the same (bad) relationships, why not let time do its thing and take you where you need to be. I do find myself, lately especially, checking out all the gorgeous shirtless boys, though. Thanks, springtime.

I say: appreciate the eye candy but focus on your sobriety.

If you do date at all, stay clear of alcoholics, they are all bonkers! lol

Exactly, MsChief! The odds are good but the goods are odd. Who wants to date another crazy? It's like the blind leading the blind. Cripples trolling for cripples.

Go ahead and date. Unless you think it might send you out and have you drinking. For if that's the case, ask yourself if it's worth dying over.

Or maybe you won't drink. It may lead you to calling your sponsor more and working steps.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the best times of my life in AA were between relationships. The absolute worst thing you could do is find your favorite meeting and date someone in it. Because when you break up, you can't go to that meeting anymore. Not without a lot of grief anyway.

Here, take my advice, I'm not using it. :cool: I'm the guy who's first serious girlfriend was a gal I met back in my first Detox at the age of 18. She was 26, had a Camaro, a house, and the Playboy Channel. Washington House, Denver Colorado.

McGowdog....:wave:
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum

Interesting thread.....my dysfunctional 4 year relationship is potentially jeopardizing my sobriety but I get this feeling that when we do finally part ways it will feel like a burden is lifted off my back and I can truly worry about Paul....and no one else for a while.

Take a moment to read this, and roll your eyes if you feel like it, but someone showed me this in early recovery when I was hunting for my next likely hostage. I share this often and truly believe it. It follows along the lines of that old saying, good things come to those who wait.

GOD'S PLAN FOR YOUR MATE SELECTION

Everyone longs to give himself or herself completely to someone, to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly an unconditionally. But God says:

No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly to Me alone.

I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me; exclusively of anyone or anything else, exclusively of any other desires and longings.

I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

Just keep your eyes on Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM.
Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must be patient.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking up to Me, or you will miss what I want to give you.

And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready ( I am working even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time). Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love.

And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. I am your God, and you are my child. Believe it and be satisfied.

Some pretty good advise from everybody here, though I think I answered my own question shortly after posting this. I've battled some pretty intense desires to go drink again with barely a trigger to really set them off. I'm still early in recovery with only 4 months clean and if I can have nothing at all set off my inner drinking demons like that then really I shouldn't be adding in a new element into my life that would for good or for bad start really setting them off. I know me to well and how my mind works. So for right now I'll keep it at strictly looking, and if someone special comes along take it slow instead of trying to jump into something that can turn ugly! And yes I know to stay far away from the women who are the party girls. I would like to permanently retire those girls to the history book!