sfgirl

I went out tonight which is something I so rarely do now to a house party. Luckily it was a calmer one, all the people were nice enough, but I felt strange, slightly awkward and no alcohol to look forward to to either take the edge off or make it fun. What's more is that it was the type of environment I used to be in almost nightly, the kind of place I would work and enjoy, and now it is like a foreign land, I feel like a fish out of water. Everyone is standing around with their beer bottles and I had to get a mug because there were no glasses and fill it with water. Then I see a bottle of Cuban Rum, I used to live in Cuba, it brought me back, and I was like damn it. But I kept with my water.

I guess this posting is sort of along the lines of my other posting— I wasn't actually overwhelmed by my cravings. This time I was just overwhelmed by this feeling that I was living a limited life. While we were driving home my friend pointed out a new wine bar a block and a half from my house and I was like, awesome, can't go there, thanks for popping up now. I just feel limited, restrained, since I stay in my house at night, since I can't feel free and open in social situations, since I can't drink, since I can't be normal, since I can't go to the new wine bar near my house. And it is frustrating. The flip side is that I have some faith that at a certain point the "limitedness" that I feel will fall away and in its place will be some new found sober freedom. Does anyone else feel this way? Or has anyone felt this way and then moved passed it? I hope I explained it well enough.

CarolD

Mega
Your explanation was clear and I too went thru a
socially disconnected period.

Everyone I knew drank..literlly all my social circle....
as my drinking had limited me to drinkers like myself.


That's why I needed the fellowship part of AA.
New friends who shared my goals and new lifestyle.

As I was in D.C. there were a lot of other singles
and many activities/events to be enjoyed outside of meetings.
I had a blast ....

I never wanted to feel normal anyway....I always wanted to be special. And that happened for me too along my journey.

Hope this helps...early sobriety was full of changes for me.

nelco

I went through that too and it passed as my life changed. MY life was spinning a certain way for years and that meant......people,places and things. when it started spinning in the other direction it took time to spin freely (if you know what I mean).The people (not all) places and things changed slowly. Now I don't want to go to the new bar that opens, I would probably be bored. Much rather catch a concert or go for a meal, lunch in a nice café etc

RobbyRobot

yeah i know about the faith thing. faith without works though is dead. so sure there is gonna be a seperation and falling off of the old life and a starting and fulfilling of the new life.

i like how you termed the experience has a "limitedness" and i find that your statement is intuitive and bright. please have no fears beyond whatever fears you simply must have, sfgirl.

Faith destroys fears, so you're on the right and true path, and care not for any scenery which distrubs your life journey. Even the most beautiful of all roses has its thorns. There is a season for all things. Live in the moment.

:ghug2
RR

Mark75

[QUOTE=sfgirl;2180089

This time I was just overwhelmed by this feeling that I was living a limited life.

I just feel limited, restrained, since I stay in my house at night, since I can't feel free and open in social situations, since I can't drink, since I can't be normal

I have some faith that at a certain point the "limitedness" that I feel will fall away and in its place will be some new found sober freedom.

[/QUOTE]

Wow, I could have written that post.

I am "running on faith"... almost seven months sober, and still have those "I can't be normal" thoughts... My faith is getting stronger and deeper and it is what I turn to in those moments. It's working... I don't get that hollow feeling like I did early on.... Why is alcohol so f**cking important any way... why do I need that to be normal??

Mark

desertdonna

I understand the feeling, sfg. For the longest time I felt like I was on the "outside" of everything, really disconnected. I do believe it's part of the process, as if there's a deconstruction of identity for a period of time. Perhaps the feeling of being limited in the situation you mentioned really doesn't have anything to do with what is perceived as "normal" as in others drinking? When I look over my life I think I was the most "normal" when I was a kid and could play and engage and sleep without any chemical influences.

You mentioned that you were reading Tolle's "A New Earth," yes? Maybe you're doing some inquiry on the bigger questions of life and who you are. That is splendid, but can bring on lots of discomfort as well. I can honestly say that it passes, as it is happening for me.

I think you are making gigantic strides. There's a big new world out there and you're in the process of finding your path in it.



Hugs,

Donna

pedro1968

being normal

i had all the feelings you described
when i got sober i used to go out to bars with my friends for a couple of hours just to feel like a normal person
i wanted what was on offer at AA but i also wanted to socialise the way i did when i was drinking
but i never felt comfortable i felt sad that i couldnt drink like normal people,i soon realised if i kept going to these places i would eventually lift a drink
i told my friends who know i was in AA that i would not be around for a while,that it was AA or nothing for me
i couldnt live in the past and remain sober i had to let go absolutley,i have to get the 12 step program in my life,practise it on a daily basis,be part of this wonderful fellowship
i now know that is the way i have to live my life
my real friends wished me well and we get together once a month or so just to catch up
and be friends and i have never made so many new friends in my life as i have in AA


MY SOBRIETY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE TODAY,IF I TAKE CARE OF THAT EVERYTHING ELSE WILL TAKE CARE OF ITS SELF

Dime

Hi SFGirl,

I stopped going to activities where drinking was a major theme of the event. They just aren't fun anymore and realistically most of them were not fun in the first place if you had to a buzz to enjoy them. So I go to places and events where alcohol is not required to have a good time.

I don't know if you are an AA person or not but one of the nice things you can find is a lot of sober friends that all like to have fun doing things without alcohol. Around my local area there are groups of people that hang together and have fun from very young people up to retired folks. So we have groups of people that play rock and roll, jump out of airplanes, play cards and some that like to have tea and sew.

It is so nice to go home for the evening sober and wake up the next day fresh without a hangover or regrets!

coffeenut

Yeah, there was a time when I felt just those same things.

But I have told myself, I drank enough for 100 people in the time I was drinking. Let someone else have the hangover. It helps. Well, it helped at that moment.

Toomutch

I felt the same way, and at times I still do. There are still certain restaurants I cannot go to, Without feeling anxious.
Taking on different interests has helped me. When I'm able going to the gym, being back at church again and involved with bible study.
Although on occassion I still have anxiety in certain situations, I have to tell myself, why am I feeling left out in these situations... I no longer want to be in these situations.

Future22

I know what your saying sfgirl.

Last night I ended up going to a surprise party for a friend of mine right after getting off the phone with a friend of mine. I knew the major theme would be drinking but I also wanted to socialize since all I have done is become isolated since I stopped drinking. This party was a group of my friends who I never looked at as drinking friends, actually very rarely drank with them so I just wanted to hang out. I had absolutely zero desire to drink and made it clear and nothing was forced upon me or anything. I think I trick myself into thinking I have Social Anxiety (I thougt alcohol helped this, but found out it just made it worse), but when I am around people I know, I can talk for hours. People just interest me. I was slightly anxious being in this situation without a drink for the firsttime in years, but it was an overall good time and am glad that I felt good, was coherent, and can remember conversations with many people even if they didnt.

I dont plan on doing events like this often, because as they say if you keep going to a barbershop eventually youll get a haircut. I just gotta be aware.

firestorm090

One of the things I've noticed at similar events is that there always seems to be the people there who drank like I did, except that it's a party, so there is the underlying excuse to drink. Many of those people who seem to be having such a great time are closet drunks like me. We think they are having such a blast, but the truth is they are the same as we are and alcohol affects them the same way it does us. I'm sure many of us here drank long after the fun was gone, and so do others at these parties. The fun of drinking is short-lived, then the reality of addiction sets in. It is easy to act like we have it all togehter when we're drunk, but the rising sun shines a new light on our true state, which isn't much fun at all. I try to remember this when invited to a "good time", cause this "good time Charley" got the blues from too much booze.

Bard

I know the feeling. It's like once I get outside my comfort zone and put into a situation that would normally been a situation I would be drinking at I feel like a major outsider and want to leave immediately. Now if I was drinking and around a bunch of people I would be everyone's best buddy. It sucks because by nature I'm not a "uptight" person but I feel like that's the way i come across. Like I don't know how to socialize normally. I know that will be one part I'll be happy to see go out the door. For now though I know isolating myself isn't helping matters much. Guess I'm just gonna have to force myself to adapt.

sfgirl

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think for me the thing is that I have just spent so much time lately being really introspective, with myself, adapting to total change and yesterday I just felt really lonely which is a feeling that despite me spending a lot of alone time I haven't felt often. Hence I went to a party which may not have been the best idea because I ended up feeling a little more alienated than before.

So this morning I had a friend and his new fiancée come over, which in itself is a whole other thing, since I feel like I am 12 and these people are younger than me and telling me how they are getting married in six months then buying a house in the suburbs in two years and having babies, and I am like whoa, cowboy, but luckily my mom got married and had babies when she was 38 so I have no qualms about being a late bloomer, I am just feeling out of sync. But they had some stuff stored at my house and had to get it for her brother, who also came. He ended up being sober, attended meetings and everything. My friend doesn't understand being sober at all. He kept being like so when you come out you can have a sip of champagne right to celebrate us getting married? And I was like, um, no. But then I started talking about the feelings about being social and those issues that I had been having and the brother sort of chimed in and said he completely understood. This is the thing I have been lacking I realize— f2f confirmation of my feelings, and it felt good, like a human person I can touch. I went to one AA meeting and it was a bust which has probably been what stopped me from going back. I sort of feel like I don't need AA to keep me sober but I think I might need the social camaraderie right about now and that is just as important and they are actually probably linked. So I think I might just buck up this week and start shopping AA meetings and hopefully find some good people to really connect with and help assuage these feelings.

I am going to some Buddhist 12-step talk tonight that isn't an AA meeting so I guess that is a start...

Dime

Way to go SFGirl,
I am glad you are talking about what is bugging you because it is so important to talk to someone who understands what you are going through. I remember quitting drinking years ago after I had really had been having problems and everybody knew that I no longer was drinking but couldn't understand why I could not have a little spiked punch. They just did not know anything about alcoholism and were totally insensitive to my problem.

Enjoy the meeting! Everyone says to stay before and after the meeting to chat. They're right, a great way to meet sober people!

Zeke

Every time that I quit drinking, I was the odd man out in my cirlce because everyone I knew drank and we drank heavy. I've been playing in rock bands of one sort or another siince I was 16 and we took drugs, sex and rock and roll serious. No fooling around. Our heros drank Jack, so so did we. My current run of not drinking is the longest and hopefully the final. This time, I just quit hanging - had to. I told my bandmates, "hey. All our heros are either dead or went to rehab." I'd prefer not dead. You can't do it forever. Body can't take it.

My career was just as bad since I'm in the computer biz and everyone works hard and then goes to happy hour. Had to keep hanging with them but I didn't have to go to happy hour.

As far as AA goes, it's like anything else - you just have to keep going until you find the right one and you'll hear your story sooner and later and you will relate and you can hang. And remember the AA saying - "take what you need and leave the rest".

Zeke