tommy79

I'm an "in and out" person. I'm open about it at meetings and stuff and people seem to accept it; in fact plenty of them have admitted they were in and out for years before fully getting the program. My first meeting was about 5 years ago now, and I've had various times I've gone intensely since, along with anything up to a year or so of not going. The longest I've stopped drinking since I was aware I might have a problem is 2 1/2 months.

My pattern at the moment is about a week's worth of intensive meetings, then going back out and drinking again. The most recent drinking binge has lasted about a month, culminating in a weekend that was as bad as any I've ever had. I hold down work in the meantime, but there's no doubt the disease has progressed, and I'm now drinking approx 2 bottles of wine a day, more over the weekend. I have strange shooting pains down my right side; apparently my liver's OK (from LFTs) but I'm worried about my gall bladder and/or pancreas.

Basically it's got to stop or my chances of seeing 35, let alone 40, are pretty slim. So I'm going tonight (after a quick trip to the gym), and I'm gonna start posting on here more regularly. I feel oddly positive!

The one thing I've never done is get a sponsor. The only person I've met who I thought could have been lives miles away from me now (I've moved away from the area) and I'm having difficulty meeting anyone suitable in the area I now live in (which is surprising as it's a London borough and I thought there'd be loads of people). Any advice on this specific point? Until I get a sponsor and do the steps properly I don't think I can consider myself to have really "done" AA in any serious way anyway...

shaun00

tommy nice to meet you...a fellow Londoner, I'm from fulham originally moved out to the west country some years ago..

I'm a chronic alcoholic that doesn't drink today and haven't felt that awful yearning for booze for some time...

I started playing with AA in my early thirty's after years and years of alcoholism......my drinking took me to the streets and i lived as a vagrant for some years..long coat...long beard the full shabang.....stunk like a ferret too.

I was a hopeless drunk......cornered by alcoholism with an honest desire to end my life....but god never gave me the courage..
I was dancing with death when i finally started to see through the haze..
Hospitals....jails.....and mental health wards gave me brief moments of sobriety......but only brief..

When i attend AA for the first time......thats all i did......attend AA.
No sponsor.....no steps........i thought if i sit there long enough id be cured and maybe just maybe i could drink like a man.

Time and time again i got drunk....time and time again i destroyed relationships with others because I'm not a happy lovey dovey drunk.

8.5 years ago i went to a meeting smashed to bits......i couldn't stop sobbing.
i had no "fight" left in me..
If it didn't work this time i was gonna finish it......i couldn't live with booze and i couldn't live with the mental torture of reality without it.

Am empty shell of a person without the ability to manage my own life...although i could tell you how to run yours..lol

I had to get a sponsor i thought....then i could off load all my woes on him and then id feel better......i had had sponsors but what would i want to ring them for..lol...if i rang a sponsor surely they would see through my b.s

Anyhow i got that sponsor and at this stage i would have stood on my head in a bucket of s...t to stay sober.
My sponsor told me that if i continue to attend meetings and NOT work a program of recovery i would be pissed before the end of the month again.

I thought that AA was a program of recovery........i dont need to read that fat boring book anyhow.....do i?.....thats for the fanatics right?

WRONG...oh and how wrong i had been and how full of s...t i had been..

My friend..........i can go to a thousand meetings a day....if i dont work the 12steps of AA as its laid out in the book....I ain't gonna stay sober and if i do I'm gonna act like a drunk anyhow.....and probably go mad.

Only when i became willing to do that......with 100% honesty did i start to feel freedom.
If your a drunk like me.....and by that i mean once i start i cant stop...your gonna need a program of recovery....and that lies in the 12 steps as laid out in the big book.

Today i truly know a new freedom.......and have stopped returning to drinking.
to date...

Get that sponsor.....open your mind and get the big book.
Ask your sponsor to take you through the steps according to the big book..

Keep doing those meetings.....that is the fellowship and is exactly that.
A beautiful .powerful group of alkies with a common problem
But the program of recovery is the steps....there you will find freedom..

Go to some different meetings......look for someone you feel comfortable with.
Take an open mind and be 100% gut level honest.

S.r is a great place to come too.........keep coming here and let us know how your getting on..

i hope this helps a bit mate.......feel free to pm me any time.

And god be with you and direct you..................trucker

CarolD

Hmmm...
Please read this link...it's from the book that
finally got me to quit drinking...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html


Glad to know you are moving forward...

collinsmi

Get one. Say a prayer about it. Look at a closed big book or step study. The important qualification is that they have worked the steps well.

tommy79

Carol: thanks, but what about this passage specifically were you getting at? (All v interesting stuff but I was wondering if there was something in particular in what I said you thought those extracts addressed?) Have checked out your stickies and v interested in the "PAW" thing - definitely, definitely makes a lot of sense in terms of my prior experiences.

I AM moving forward. Thanks also to trucker who I've PMed. Second day sober and enjoying it!! :bounce

Discovered the 11th step prayer last night: better to love than to be loved, better to understand than to be understood, better to comfort than to be comforted. Amazing passage, I've been thinking about it all day. Finally, the concept of being willing to be willing to believe is starting to sink in!

Expect this thread to be constantly updated in the following days - sorry people but you're stuck with me for a while lol...

EDIT: and thanks collinsmi. I realise the importance of choosing a good sponsor, I guess that's my only excuse for not having done so having just moved to a new area relatively recently and don't know the locals that well. But after 5 years in and out, plenty of meetings and several readings of the Big Book I'm as ready as I'll ever be to do it. No excuses I guess...

collinsmi

I know how it is. Any rationalization seems plausible, or none at all. Should follow my own advice - get out of bed, say my morning prayers, hit a meeting and get some step work done. It is, after all, almost 5PM here. But there's these other thoughts: "It's cold out", "have another cup of coffee".

Good luck with the sponsor thing!

CarolD

Hi Tommy....

Here is the info on PAWS

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

The part of "Under The Influence" that opened my
eyes......the fact that my brain and liver enzymes
were now processing alcohol incorrectly.
Totally quitting was the answer to that serious fact.

I had been in AA for 4 years and never stayed sober
for long. Could not understand why I kept drinking.

Sooo...I took that bit of info....re connected to God and AA
and finally quit drinking ...20 years ago....

I so wish the same for you

tommy79

Oh OK - I'll re-read that bit especially carefully! PAWS is seriously interesting, I'd never heard of it and it makes so much sense in terms of experiences I've had in the past; that said I've never made it beyond about 75 days so I wouldn't know about the later bits...

Thanks again everyone!

tommy79

Well I guess I'd better be honest...I drank this weekend. The trouble was I really wasn't able to get to as many meetings as I wanted to, I mean like really, really wasn't (v busy with work). So I end up drinking again.

Still I'm sober again today. Going home to stay with my parents for a week. I never drink with them, but we never talk about the whole issue and I want to go to meetings while I'm home. I guess I'll just have to take a deep breath and bring it up...

Cathy31

hello my dear friend
Find those meeting and go to them - you don't need to make a BIG production about or big conversation...just GO! Action action action! You are going to get it...love this thread, please keep it up!
Cathy31
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