Astro

Ohhhh Jen, I'm not very much comfort to anyone right now, just wallowing in my own crap. Wanted to give you a few dozen hugs though, since we're only allowed 3 smilies please remember the thought is there!

nandm

Wish I had some words of wisdom but since I am not necessarily wise I guess a "you are in my thoughts and :praying " will have to do.

PaperDolls

Would it be wrong for me to change my name, color my hair, and move to a different country?

stone

Here you go Jen.

freya

Hey, PD, just checking in -- how was your day...and your meeting???? Hope you're feeling a bit better!!!

freya

PaperDolls

Thanks freya!

It was a long day. I ended up going to get a massage instead of the meeting. I had a killer headache at the end of the day.

I'm not sure how I'm going to do this ...... moving out thing. I'm 33 and have never lived by myself. I'm not sure I can do it.

freya

For me, when it comes to really big, potentially scary things like that, it's especially important for me to break it down into each little piece and take it one piece at a time. If I start to think about the whole "task" and all of the possible implications and all of their possible implications on out into the future, I just make myself crazy....and get totally paralyzed.

You can do it. And you can feel your feelings -- your sadness, your fear, your anger.....whatever, and walk through them all to the other side. And when you look back from there, my bet is that you'll have something to be really proud about.

freya

PaperDolls

Freya. Thanks.

I need to work on that ..... not looking at the whole task. I tend to do that and feel overwhelmed.


C and I have been communicating better the last few days. Neither one of us want to be apart but I think we both feel it might be for the best, temporarily. I'm thankful that we're talking open and honestly about this because we've sort of been in this "everything's fine", denial phase.



My depression is killing us. It won't go away.
I'm constantly full of negative thoughts about myself.
I really don't know how to not think that way.
I really don't.

Bamboozle

My situation is different, but I know about negative thoughts.


I can't shut my brain off and everything I am and do equals failure.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed over the next couple of days and hope that things improve enough so that therapy has a chance to work.

PD, thank you so much for your comments and support. I hope you get through this with positive outcomes.

Sorry to ask this (and sorry if you've covered it before and I missed it), but do you do any kind of therapy at all? I find it incredibly hard to be truthful with my family and friends, let alone a stranger, but things have been so bad lately I have to tell someone everything...and so far it's been really easy to talk to my therapist. Why? I think it's because I believe I need to do this to be whole, so a little discomfort in slogging through the muck is worth it if I can become clean and happy. I'm giving it a chance.

Whatever you do, I'm wishing you well.

Astro

Baby steps have worked a little for me. Yesterday someone posted a pic of me on the net that was taken over the weekend. For the first time in years, I was really happy with the way I looked, and I was smiling.

Here's one of those long meditations I sometimes post, it helped me to read these words........

Monday, May 25, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Loving Ourselves Unconditionally

Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.

Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.

Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.

Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.

People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, and love the most.

How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it, if necessary. By acting as if. By working as hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.

Explore what it means to love yourself.

Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.

Embrace and love all of yourself - past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.

If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.

Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline yourself when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.

Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences - treating yourself well is one.

Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.

Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.

We work at it, and then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold myself in high self-esteem. Help me know I'm lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Astro

I gave myself a treat today. A box from REI containing new hiking boots, some summer sandals, and a pair of hiking socks. Cost me $6, I only paid for shipping. Had some dividend money saved up that I didn't know about.

That was a nice treat!

redshift

Thanks for posting this thread, pd. It really hit home for me today. I'm facing the prospect of a bunch of big life changes, some potentially bad, in the next few months. And that prospect is terrifying! Like you, I'm not good with being on my own. The irony (kind of funny now that I think about it) is that I LOVE being on my own. Who needs friends? I've got my computer and booze I love being on my own, but it's just not good for me, so I'm trying to reach out more and isolate less.

Seems like there's already a lot of good advice in this thread; just wanted to add my thanks for opening up my eyes a little bit more to reality - it's not SO bad, eh?

Hope today finds well and in better spirits.