Rainbowgirl128

i have been struggling to stay sober for a long time. but im encountering a few problems on my way. the first being that at this point drinking is still an okay short term fix for all of my emotional issues. ive posted some other things about my destructive behavior in relationships, specifically putting walls around myself so i dont get hurt. alcohol has always been there for me to make the anxiety and depression go away. the anxiety and depression results from the lonliness i feel because of my own behavior. i dont let people in to my life, i dont get myself in constructive romantic relationships, even though ideally that is what i want. and im realizing that alcohol is a huge part of the reason why i have alienated myself from good friends and potential romantic partners. yet it has also been the solution to pain. i just feel like i am caught in a viscious cycle. i want to be sober for the rest of my life and find other ways to fill my free time and meet people. im just not sure how to do this when i am too scared to go to an AA meeting, too afraid to admit to my friends that i am an alcoholic, and it seems that all of the social invitations i get involve happy hours or other drinking activities. also, while i know that i NEED to stop drinking, after being sober for a few days i just get so depressed and think "if this is how i am going to feel, why bother? what is so great about this?" i really need some advice about how to get my life on a constructive path because i have no idea. i am going through a particularly rough time right now, having just been hurt and deceived by someone i invested a lot of feelings in. thanks in advance.

this is how i feel right now:

least

I'm having a hard time also living sober. I like being sober and want to stay that way, but am dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. I go to a counselor once a week which is a great help. Her feedback and ideas are a lot of help in living without alcohol to dull or numb my feelings.

Is counseling an option for you? I highly recommend it as dealing with the feelings I was drinking away is my biggest problem.

Have you tried AA? It's a good way to meet sober friends and have sober activities to do.

I wish you success in staying sober and finding some happiness in your life.:ghug3

Majamama

I'm sorry to read about your pain and confusion. I feel a lot like you. I can really relate.
Have you read Caroline Knapp's Drinking, A Love Story? Maybe you'll get some inspiration out of it.
I hope you feel better. Pull through.

Dime

Hi Rainbowgirl,
I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I had the same problem with my drinking and didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about my problems with alcohol. My personal problems only got worse as I continued to drank and depression became unbearable and found myself totally isolated with no relationships left to screw up.

How I got out of it was through AA. It was the last thing I wanted to do but it has changed my whole life and I have stayed sober with no desire for alcohol for 16 months. When I asked for help I got more than I ever imagined.

Hang in there you aren't alone!

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. Please keep reading and posting.

CarolD

Hmm...
Depression is why I started AA recovery.
I also quit hanging out with drinkers
I decided to forgo dating ....until
I addressed my destructive alcoholic behavior.

I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

Perhaps you are not at that point of desperation.
I do hope you will find your way
Recovery Rocks!......

Rainbowgirl128

Thanks for the responses. I do want to be sober more than I want to drink. I am young and motivated and just got a great job. My life is not completely out of control *YET* but im sure all this binge drinking is horrible for my body. I also dont want to go any further down the road of alcoholism. My problem is that I dont have any non-drinking friends right now and I really have no idea who to ask for help.

Bamboozle

Hello, RGB. Could you talk to you doctor and see if he/she can refer you to a good therapist?

Are there any of your friends you can confide in? I know you said you don't have any non-drinking friends, but maybe one of them understands and wants to quit, too? I don't know. It might be worth a shot just to talk...

I'm wishing you well, whatever you decide to do.

Rainbowgirl128

Thanks, Bam. I dont think any of my friends would understand and I also dont trust them not to judge me or spread rumors. I think I just need to find a community of people like the ones so many of you found at AA or on here.

Bamboozle

Feel free to post as much as you want...I lean heavily on this place.

Rainbowgirl128

ehhh...feeling a little better tonight. just sitting here watching the news and thinking about things with a clear head. i always feel fine like this when i dont drink for a couple days. im going on a biz trip to texas tomorrow for a week and im worried about the temptation to go out with my coworkers cavorting around at night. i know thats not a good idea, but i feel i will face some pressure to be social.

ive been thinking a lot about what i could have in my life that would make me happy. i think the three things would be lifelong sobriety, a really healthy body, and a trusting committed long term relationship. those are my hopes and goals...i am just trying to figure out how to get them.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi Rainbow,

I'm what they call a high bottom drunk. I didn't lose my job, I didn't end up in jail, I didn't end up in the hospital...YET. Slowly though I was losing my self respect, I isolated from the people who loved me the most and I was a miserable person.

I found my bottom though when I couldn't look in the mirror anymore without seeing my mother...who died from alcoholism. Ask yourself this: would your life be better off without alcohol in it?

Keep posting..

Karen

utopia807

Yes , i can relate, going to a meeting is a scary thought, until arriving there, my thoughts on that changed as i faced them. This validates once again that my minds interpretation of a situation is more often inaccurate than accurate. Freedom from my minds influence is what i eventually experienced at those meetings. Today i realize that beliefs, new or old are just another way of keeping me out the the moment , seperate and a part from life.

Dime

Glad your feeling better Rainbowgirl,

What's really wonderful is that you really can have those three things
in life you want for happiness. You have already made the first step to get there.

I used to tell them I had a stomach virus when I was on business trips when they offered drinks. Nobody bugged me about it. I didn't tell them I had the virus five years ago!

Rainbowgirl128

Yea I am really trying to deal with a variety of emotions right now. But Im trying to think about how i feel and express it to my friends instead of numbing it with alcohol. I got seriously burned on Thursday night. I spent a lot of the weekend hanging out with friends and being mopey and frustrated...but that was better than pouring some martinis down my throat. im just hoping i can continue to do this. i felt AWFUL this morning but now is 10 pm and im still annoyed as hell about a certain situation but im trying to think about constructive steps i can take in my own life to make myself content. being consumed by anger and jealousy over something i cannot control will make me want to do destructive things. i dont know, all these thoughts swirling around in my head. thanks for the feedback! i am going to go to AA when i get back from the business trip. i have to meet some sober friends to talk to if im ever going to achieve goal #1 - a sober life. i believe that if i acheive that goal, eventually the other two will follow. thanks for reading. ive been trying to spend my down time today reading other peoples posts too. i really like SR.

Rainbowgirl128

when i said "burned" i meant hurt and betrayed by another person, that is not slang for drunk or high or anything.

Tommyh

rainbowgirl,I am so glad to see you are going to go to a meeting.I have had depression and anxiety before I ever drank.Today,it is the best it has ever been.
AA is what helped me there and helped me stay sober.I only had drinking friends when I first came to AA,but now I have plenty of sober friends.I placed sobriety first,and tried to learn,to keep a attitude of being teachable.The other things you mentioned has come as a by product of that I fully believe

CAPTAINZING2000

Trying to sort out what you wrote?

Do you believe, you're an alcoholic?

Rainbowgirl128

I think I am on my way to being a full blown alcoholic if i keep drinking. i dont think the label is as important as recognizing that my drinking pattern is unhealthy, that i am doing damage to my body by binge drinking, and that drinking will impede any future happiness for me. a lot of people say that if you think you have a problem with drinking and cannot drink normally, you are an alcoholic. so in that definition of course i would say i am an alcoholic. all i know is that i need to go to AA because i have a desire to stop drinking and, because i use it as an emotional crutch, i wont be able to stop that pattern without support from people in the same boat.

TTOSBT

Don't drink, no matter what!
And take some steps towards those goals.
Start hitting the gym, instead of the bottle.
I know you are having a hard time but it really does get better, if you just put one foot in front of the other.