I managed to screw up my recovery again
 

Ive been in this out patient program for a week now and have drank every single day after I left. Yesterday I showed up late and a little buzzed (why I went to a recovery program buzzed I have no idea) its the addict inside of me.

They could tell and asked me to do a blow test which I refused, then they called an ambulance and asked me to go to the hospital and detox again which I also refused because I'm sick of detoxing.

They told me when I left they were going to call the police and sure enough they did. All of a sudden I was getting pulled over and 4 police cars were behind me. I swore up and down that I didn't drink and I am so lucky that I didn't get a DUI because I already have 2. I'm sure this one would have been my last one because I would have lost my liscence. One of the officers told me that he knows that I was on something just didn't know what and said he was going to let me go but follow me home which he did.

So now I'm back at square 1, I got kicked out of the program, almost got a DUI and have to figure out how I'm going to detox to get these terrible shakes off. I've been in and out of detox since about age 14 and I'm 27 now.

I hate what drugs and alchohol has done to my life and I don't know if I'm strong enough to quit. I continue to go back even though I know the outcome. Maybe I'm just a lost soul meant to die as an alchoholic. Even though I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself I feel like I'm dying a slow death thru drugs and alchohol.

Look, I'm really sorry you are having a hard time and all, but give us a break on the impaired driving, please! You are going to kill someone out there. You can do whatever you want to your own life, it's yours to screw up, but stay off the roads before you run into one of my kids out there. Honestly, you need to lose your license if you can't stop using before going out.
I'm going to tell you what someone told me that helped me: If you want to stop using, you are going to have to stop using!
Have you gone to any meetings? Have you attempted to get a sponsor, or a network? What have you tried? When you say "Maybe I'm just a lost soul meant to die as an alcoholic" it sounds like you are just excusing your own behavior. If you want change, you must change your behavior. What can you do today to stop this? And if you cannot, are you willing to at least stop endangering others on the road? Because this is inexcusable and it is within your control.
KJ

I don't understand. You are wondering how you're going to detox but refused to go to detox?? Why didn't you wish to accept help in detoxing? I must also ask you to please not drive again if you've been drinking. You could end up destroying lives, your own as well as others.

I would suggest you call your doctor and ask for help in detoxing and then just DON'T DRINK ANYMORE. I hate withdrawals so badly that I won't allow myself to drink cause I don't want to go thru withdrawals anymore.

I hope you find the help you need to stop drinking, both from inside and outside yourself.

Hopefully your bottom isn't going to be when you kill someone while you're out there driving around impaired. :(

The worst part is that I didn't really realize
 

I don't normally drink and drive I got 2 DUI's within a month of each other when I was 17 and really havn't been in trouble since then besides minor traffic tickets. But I have a taxi saved on my speed dial and he's my friend so its pretty cheap.

The police knew I wasn't drunk or else they probably would have arrested me, thats their job.

I try to use public transportation as much as I can, I live about 3 blocks from the train station.

I'm just worried that I cannot quit, I feel hopeless. My mom knows everything and keeps telling me that I need to concentrate on meeting someone (I was in a previous relationship for like 8 years). I just really feel lost because I don't know how to get my mind to say JUST QUIT.

Not so lucky you didn't get the DUI...sorry.

It is better than hurting others..or yourself. I was "lucky" enough to hurt only myself

in drunken driving. Lucky enough to total my car and another's. (His was parked..

thank God) And lucky enough to survive long enough to recover.

Inpatient treatment (long term) will separate you from alcohol.

So will incarceration.

Please try the first option..

Good luck!

You need help...please seek treatment. :hug:

The very title of your post suggests this was a foregone conclusion in your mind. That you expected to fail. I know of very few endeavors that have ended with success when one goes into it with the expectation of failure.
I am quite new to this recovery process, but I don't believe for a second that anyone, anywhere, at anytime, was preordained as a lost soul to die an alcoholic. Alcoholism will surely get you there eventually.
I don't know you or your situation. But based on the small bit of information in your post, in my opinion, you've been given a gift.
No arrest. You didn't hurt anyone driving impaired (Thank Goodness).
You say you "feel like I'm dying a slow death through drugs and alcohol". Well. You are. What I, any other poster here, a police officer, your doctor tell you isn't going to make you stop.
You have to want it for yourself. You are worth it.

Lucy, it doesn't really sound like you've given yourself much if any time to even see if you're strong enough. The thing is it's not just about will power. It takes more than that and that's what you need to realize. Something must change inside of you.

You say in both threads that you're sick and tired of what this has done to you. If that's true then stick to your plans of seeking help from outside sources. Stay on track with this. You CAN do it. Just believe in yourself. We'll keep kickin' you in the pants at SR but you gotta make this happen for you so you can stop saying you're sick and tired of what it's done to your life.

Thank you
 

I know it's stupid to feel this way, I know I have a soul; good or bad. I just don't know why I keep messing up. I detoxed from drugs and alchohol (I was taking a lot of benzos combined with alchohol) last month and left early, then it took a while to get back in and I just got out on the 9th of this month.

I'm just not sure what I'm doing anymore, I just got laid off. I really find a lot of support on this website even if some of it is really harsh; thanks guys.

You were given an opportunity to go to detox this morning.

Seems to me a higher power is trying to work in your life, and you're getting in the way.

Just my two cents.

Maybe I'm just a lost soul meant to die as an alchoholic.

That would be your choice. That may be a little harsh, but it's true. And no more harsher than dying from the disease, slowly or quickly.

Here are your own words from when you last posted a thread.

So Lucy, let go! Today is all you have to worry about. Not tomorrow, not yesterday. Tell yourself you just need to make it through this day. Get up tomorrow and say it to yourself again. Say it all day long if you have to.

So what are you going to do now Lucy?
What is going to change?
It doesn't sound to me that you have given yourself a chance to see what being sober is really like and what help treatment could be if you did it sober.
I personally don't buy the not driving drunk thing. You said "Yesterday I showed up late and a little buzzed (why I went to a recovery program buzzed I have no idea) its the addict inside of me."
So you drove there "buzzed" and you were under the influence enough that they noticed. Then you drove away from there. Just because you did not get a DUI this time or other times, does not mean you were safe to drive. and if the 2 DUI's were 10 years ago, wouldn't they be off your record?
No matter, the point is that you are in need of some help and you need to take it wherever offered!
You are so worth this. And you CAN do it. One moment at a time.

Ditto x 100. Seriously.. if you don't want to quit, if you're not done, please quit endangering other people.

I went to out-patient treatment a few times "buzzed" also. They let me sit in the group but I felt too ashamed and left. Get help with the detox, as you already know, it can be very dangerous.


tib

I know everyone is right
 

I know that all of you are right, this kind of stuff goes thru my head all the time. The truth is that I know addiction more than I know normal. I just put myself on the list for a 28 day treatment program.

Its just really sad that this is what my life has become and I need to quit rashionallizing my behavior and just do it.

I have to go and pick my dog up from the groomer; thank you everyone for your input and support.

I really cannot believe I relapsed like this again.

You can do it. Will keep you in my good thoughts.