hughs dad

Hello all. I have been in and out of this forum for a few years now. I have also been in and out of AA as well. I started drinking at 15 and have not gone more than 15 days sober since (I'm 33). I have been drinking much more than normal over the past 6 months. I am currently drinking about 3 times per week. When I drink, I drink at least a half of a fifth of 100 proof whiskey. I have also started taking adderhal again. I am smoking up to a pack of cigs a day and eating terrible food. I'm in my early 30's and my doctor said my blood pressure was very high 109/145...

Basically, I am killing myself. Just 4 years ago I had a resting heart rate of 68 and fine blood pressure. I have gained 70 lbs over the past 4 years as well. It was about 4 years ago I really let myself give in to drinking. Not counting, allowing myself to get waisted, stopped exercising, etc...

Having said all of that, I still have not made up my mind to stop all together. For me drinking is a catalyst for all kinds of other bad behavior (spending money, smoking, taking speed pills, eating like crap, not drinking water, etc). Alcoholism is such a nasty thing. I mean, I know all I have to do is stop drinking and work out before work, take my wellbutrin, and everything else will take care of itself. But for some reason, I DO NOT DO THIS.

It's like I'm waiting to hit bottom before I can surrender. I have hit "bottom" many times but always continue. Cam someone please say something to me that will get through. I don't think I will see 40 if I keep up this behavior.

I want to be happy, but I can't let go of destructive behavior...

TTOSBT

Hi there.
I am not sure what to say to you except that Hugh deserves more.
So do you.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

I honestly don't know. Myself, when I hit my bottom I was in a place where ending it all seemed like a reasonable option.

For me, I never had any problem admitting I am an alcoholic, but accepting it? One of the keys to my sobriety today, I accept the fact that I am an alcoholic today, which leaves me two options. Drink and die, quickly or slowly, don't drink today and learn how to live. And I have lots of help with the learning how to live bit.

AW2486

I felt the same way. What helped me stop being destructive and seeking sobriety with strong desperation... was immense pain and suffering with a hopelessness that I wish to never feel again. By what you posted, I hope you’re near wanting sobriety with all you can muster.

CarolD

Have you considered theraphy to find the root of
why you are destroying yourself?

I certainly hope you will find a way
to live in joy for many many years.

Here is a link to the book that convinced me to quit
I too had returned to drinking many times...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I took that info...re connected to God and AA
I've not had another drink since 4-89.

Yes....you too can quit and recoverr
I pray that you will....

laurie6781

This was my bottom. I was given a second chance. You may not be given that chance. Please do not take this affliction as far as I took mine:

There are three "UPs" for an alcoholic:

Locked UP. Jail

Covered UP. Dead

or

Sobered UP.

Your choice.

Love and hugs,

serenityqueen

I bounced in and out of detox, treatment, counseling, group therapy, prison twice, two marriages, two divorces . . . for 25 years. I knew I had to quit. But I didn't. It's as though I was waiting for that lightening bolt from the sky to strike me and make me realize that I HAD to do this or die.

Unfortunately, it was a hard and slow sinking to my bottom. My last day using wasn't as dramatic, for a lack of better words like Laurie's was. But I also was screaming out to God, begging Him to either help me or let me die. I could not go on any longer.

There's nothing I can say to you to make you want to stop. You're going to have to hit your bottom . . . just Pray that you are able to find Recovery.

I can only Pray for you, encourage you to get help and hope you will.

God Bless,
Judy

Tommyh

I want to be happy, but I can't let go of destructive behavior...

I understand...
get to an AA meeting,get a Big Book,a sponsor,and take the steps.You won`t have to worry about letting go of destructive behavior.Thats the problem,human efforts to change a thing, human efforts cannot sufficiently change to bring about lasting sobriety and real happiness and peace.

thats it in a nutshell,good luck

hughs dad

Thank you, thank you! Everyone. Thanks. I am going to go to a meeting tomorrow and just take it one day at a time. I did not drink tonight, or take adderhal, or sleeping pills, etc... I have a feeling I am going to be going though some for of detox tomorrow, but I'll make it through it. A pm meeting should help.

I have started seeing a counsler. It's been about 5 times so far. We haven't really "worked" on anything in paticular yet, mostly it's been me explaining my life. So we'll see.

I will use this forum better and more as a rescource.

serenityqueen

Quote:

I have started seeing a counsler. It's been about 5 times so far. We haven't really "worked" on anything in paticular yet, mostly it's been me explaining my life. So we'll see.

From my experience with counseling, you may not realize that you are working on anything specific, but you are.

Glad to hear your going to a Meeting. Keep going to the Meetings, sharing and posting here. One Day at A Time!

God Bless,
Judy

shaun00

Can i ask what you did when you went to AA.?

here are some of the things i did.....

Went to AA sat at the back...checked out the girls and played with my cell phone.......and got drunk..

Went to AA sat at the front...nodded in all the right places talked bs....and leaned up against my fast car in the break to stroke my ego......and got drunk.

Went to AA .....at least ten times a week....got a sponsor..never called him.
continued to secretly think that the steps were for everyone else..and got drunk.

Went to AA......smashed to bits...straight from hospital......crying....finished mentally and willing to stand on my head in a bucket of s..t to stay sober.
And not just sober......content sober.

I hated myself and what id become with or without a drink......in fact my behavior could be worse without a drink.

I picked up the big book and called that sponsor.......he said later he knew i would sooner or later.......he just prayed that i wouldnt die first.

That was the key for me......the 12 steps of AA.....and going to any lengths to understand and work them into my life.

With time and learning to shut my month and listen to my sponsor....my life and my mental state started to change.

You see for me and only me......i can go to meetings till me feet wear out..
if im not willing to work a program of recovery i will be continue to act like im drinking or revert to drinking..

Keep going to AA ...Get a sponsor with a good recovery based on the 12 steps of aa...

I hear lots of talk about rock bottoms........i not convinced i know truly when that was for me...
i havent returned to drinking for 8.5 years so maybe i hit bottom last time.
but i have been very close to suicide got sober and drank again..

I have been to some horrendous dark places and drank again....

So maybe ive had a few "bottoms"...

What really matters is i can put my finger on what changed all that....and that was picking up the big book and starting to read it.....then putting into action the suggestions to remedy my dilema...with guidance.

Stopping drinking i could do..........living a contented fulfilled life without it i could not...

Sorry this goes on........but i wanted you to know it is possible....
because i never believed it was possible..

The only requirment for membership is the DESIRE to stop drinking.

I reckon you fit the bill just right my friend........god be with you......trucker

hughs dad

What I do with AA is attend, listen, and share. Not to blame my sponsor, but he encouraged me to not rush the steps. I have never gotten past the 3ed. step. I think I need to find a new sponsor (again, me drinking again is NOT my "ex" sponor's fault) I just think a fresh start me do me good. The fact is a get quite a bit out of AA. I like the people, the topics, etc... What happens with me is I get two or three weeks under my belt and I think I'm cured. Or a good football game is on so I "have to drink". Or the Masters Golf Torney is coming up, or vacation, or really anything.... bottom line - I always find a reason to drink.

When I drink I become a different person. Once I start drinking after a long period off of drinking (for me 18 days is a very long time). My body craves it. It's like I can't drink enough for the first week or so... Once I start I stop working out, start missing work, eat like crap, smoke a ton, stop taking wellbutrin. After and extended period of time, I drink more and then start taking Adderhal... I do this for about two weeks, get kind of strung out and stop everything.

My next step is usually what I'm doing now. Post how I'm so sick of this life, tell my wife I'm done, read a bunch of addiction books and stay sober for 2 to 3 weeks. Then I start the cycle all the way over.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FightingIrish

My dad was dead at 50. Had had two strokes in the prior year...high blood pressure. Drank himself to death with the TV on. Found him three days later. I was 9. Boy did that suck. Hope it works out for you.

Freedom1990

I'd suggest a new sponsor, seriously.

I cringe when I hear of people telling others not to rush the steps.

That's like telling alcoholism to 'hold off' while you take your time, eh?

We've had three out of our small group go back out and drink this past week.

This disease kills.

hughs dad

Went to my therapist and told her I have decided to quit again. She said my problem with my constant relapse is due to not fully accepting step 1. I agree with her. She told me to do 90 in 90. I am going to a meeting tonight!

Thanks for all of your help everyone!

collinsmi

I'd get confused when people would say things like that. How do you fully accept step 1? How do you know you're not going to change your mind later? So what if it's rationalization! That's what I would always do too. Not drinking would seem easy. The next step was to quit doing all that AA nonsense. Still easy - I can't be an alky! Then it would be time to drink again. What a relief!

Near as I can figure, I stayed scared long enough to do enough work for this to take. Had to be a LOT of fear; constructive activity does not come naturally to me. Sloth does. Had a sponsor not willing to put up with it too, that saved me. When we first met, he asked me three times "Are you willing to do whatever it takes"? Of course I said yes, what in the hell else was I supposed to say? He called me on it too. One day when I wanted to stay in the comfortable confines of my bed rather than get up and go see him, he threatened to fire me. Still scared enough to get up and get over there. Got to the point where I made the connection of doing step work as a means of fending off my life's mounting insanity. Things are better now, and I could certainly quit this AA stuff and go have a beer. Don't want to do either one though. Hope this helps.

hughs dad

Very good advice coll. I think my biggest problem with AA is I've not ever done the program. I've been to meetings, but the steps were for the other people. I need to get a sponsor and really get after it.

Thank you!

Freedom1990

For me, in order to relapse, I have to have been in recovery to some extent to begin with.


Recovery, for me, implies I have done some footwork. Just not drinking for 15 days isn't recovery to me.

gravity

My experience was similar to collinsmi.

Many times (after a bad bender of course) I had admitted I was powerless over alcohol--that my life had become unmanageable. However, this time the major difference was that I got help and took action immediately. I knew that if I let too much time pass, I would slip back into that old obsession - rationalizing, minimizing my actions. It's how my mind works.

I worked through the steps with a sponsor in about 4 months. The result? I accept my alcoholism and the obsession has been lifted - over 15 months sober for the first time since I had my first drink (I had never made it past 90 days).

Just do it! The freedom is something else.

collinsmi

Yeah, sounds like a good idea, at least what happened to me. I had sponsors before, did a little work. Even went all the way through the steps once, if I remember correctly. Fourth step was about 4 pages long. Hey, it kept them sober. Seems I remember too as I was well into the slacking off from AA process, that sponsor making a lot of unpleasant noise about doing a "REAL" fourth step. That sure worked. Got me into meetings with 24 beers in the fridge and a headful of the kind of voices Paul O talked about.