colettely

I was at a funeral over the weekend (my friends grandmother) at the Church I completely broke down and thought of my own grandmother who I miss dearly...when at the graveyard I went to her grave and a kid came over to me asking me who she was and picked up the flowers that had blown over from the wind and his innocence made me break down again he said she would be very upset if she knew they had fallen...I miss her so much...I went to the pub after with my friends and as some of them went out for a ciggerette i tried to plan how i was going to get a drink without them noticing. what stopped me was that i thought of the after math...I imagened that they smelt the drink off me and we got in a masive fight...and knowing that is what would have happened if I did drink and being at a funeral I didn't drink because I didn't want to show any disrespect to the familly....at the end of the night one the locals (the son of my friends grandmother) came up to me telling me he was delighted that I was still off it and that I was looking great etc. this happens alot and usually I find peace in it but for some reason all I wanted to do was still drink and get so drunk that I couldn't walk...in my head I reckoned that if I did people would pay me attention (even though I was getting it anyway)
It's amasing and so dangerous the way our minds work and today I am glad to say I am still sober after putting the drink down 15 months ago I know my Higher Power was there watching over me and I am greatfull for that but for some stupid reason days later a part of me still really wants to drink and I am so scared that I won't be able to fight the voices
:praying

PaulN

Thank you for that heart felt share. The loss of a loved one or the loss of anyone we know, is difficult. But you've learned, survivable w/o a drink. It's obvious you care about others ... it's also obvious you express it in the actions you take, such as attending the funeral of a family friend. Good. Don't give that up.

When you boil down all you shared, it simply comes back to fear. I know cause I've done it & can sometimes still do it too.

It's awesome you have 15 months sober. Really awesome. I am curious (if in AA) where are you on taking the steps? I'm not asking to sit back and say "Well there's your problem", I'm asking because maybe there's a step you're struggling with and perhaps others here can help you based on what we learned or have done ourselves.

You said you came to the realization that God was there watching over you. Maybe that realization was more about the reminder that he can remove your fear, if you simply ask?

I wish you the best my friend and again thank you for speaking honestly & openly about you

colettely

[QUOTE=PaulN;2153960]I am curious (if in AA) where are you on taking the steps? I'm not asking to sit back and say "Well there's your problem", I'm asking because maybe there's a step you're struggling with and perhaps others here can help you based on what we learned or have done ourselves.
[QUOTE]

PaulN thank you for your comment...I am in AA but I have not started doing the steps yet...I had a sponser but I have just moved 4 hours drive away and I don't get to talk to her much but when I was living near to her she had recomended that I don't start the steps untill I am 2 years clean just to practice the 1st and 2nd step 'till then...I do agree with you though and am going to start keeping an eye out for a sponser here


your comment really has helped

CarolD

You really did do well by coming home sober.
I'm so pleased that you did continue your sobriety.

I know nothing about AA in Ireland ..
.2 years ..... 2 steps?
Is that the general time line there?

Blessings

coffeenut

You did Great!

Theresa

You really had an emotional day, Collettely, and you felt your emotions--and released a few of them--without blunting or smothering the feelings with alcohol.

It is my belief that your grandmother was so glad to have had that sober time with you: you are her innocent, flower bearing child. Hugs are sent your way.

colettely

CarolD...I think it depends on the person or the sponser to be honest I'd have to ask someone...I do know a few of my friends didn't start untill around that time out of choice because they felt they hadn't been ready...I know my sponser chooses to wait with all her sponsees so to make sure they have grown strong enough emotionally to do so