Iamlucy

Ok...so I just got out of detox last thursday for benzos, opiates, and vodka (all mixed together). I baracaded myself in my apartment all weekend so I didn't use while I was waiting to get an assesment for an outpatient program.

I've been in and out of detox's since I was 12 and I'm 27 now and I'm sick of it. But when I was just leaving the program I told myself if my debit card came in the mail today (I lost the old one), I was going to at least have 1 last drink before I start this program tomorrow. It came!

In my mind I don't want to do it because I'm sick of the shakes but at the same time if I'm going to make this commitment to follow thru I want to get messed up 1 more time.

I don't even know why I'm writing this because in my head I feel dead set on it.

yeahgr8

Hmmm i dunno what to say? Sounds like the way i would have thought?! Hopefully you will get some good advice here:-)

Whatever you do get to the program and try and do something different this time to make sure you have the best chance of sobriety.

I like your comment of barricading yourself in the apartment, i used to think like that too, like a huge alcohol monster was on the prowl and if i hid away it could not find me! It was only last year that i realised the frigging monster was sitting right beside me in my apartment and i was locking out the possible help and support i could get instead. The monster is still with me after just 5 months sober but we made a deal as we were both tired of the dance that we would just chill out and enjoy today sober, worry about tomorrow...tomorrow;-)

good luck and keep trying :ghug3

Emimily

DON'T DRINK.

Cause of... you could die. You are too young to die. It makes no sense and is totally unnecessary. You do NOT have to drink, debit card or not. It's not a 'sign' that you got a debit card in the mail. Folks less than 7 days outta detox have at least some knowledge that drinking and using doesn't work. You are not hip slick n cool when you drink.

It's not worth it. Buy some boots instead. Don't drink, NO MATTER WHAT.

KenL

So lucy, what are you gonna do? You gonna go and get messed up and maybe end up in detox again? Why would you want to do that? You said yourself that you're sick of it.

Look at the title of your thread and think of an answer. You're looking for some support and for someone to tell you not to do what you say you're determined to do.

So Lucy, don't get messed up again!! Stay here instead until you're too tired to stay awake. And then when tomorrow comes you'll wake up with a clear head. It's as simple as that. Just let go of wanting to kick the **** out of yourself. Just this one time and just this one day.

Stay focused!

nelco

If you have admitted you are an alcoholic, you also need to accept it and all that goes with it. Your playing russian roulette with your life if you drink, but its your life and the choice is yours at the end of the day. I can drink if I want to as well as you can, and start my programme tomorrow.....we all can. I choose to stay sober and alive today. Age has nothing to do with it.

Jfanagle

Hey, if booze and other mind altering substances are improving the quality of life for you, by all means get back on that horse.

If not, then perhaps it is time you take some responsibility for your own life and make the necessary changes.

Either way it is up to you. Those of us who got tired of the chaos in our lives made changes, but since we are talking about you and not me, then you need to be the one to decide. It really isn't all that complicated!

By the way, the cosmos doesn't involve itself in "signs" like sending or not sending debit cards. That is the banks, and we all know what a bang up job they are doing of running their own business. Do you really want them deciding if you stay sober or go back to being a DRUNK?

Jon

Iamlucy

Thats what I'm tryin to do right now, its really hard though. For me I know they say to take it day by day; but in the back of my mind I think thats crazy.

The little devil in me keeps saying that this is a commitment I'm going to have to make for the rest of my life.

Today when the lady was asking me what drugs I've done; I told her, lets start off with the ones I havn't done and go from there.

I think I'm going to take my dog to the park and get some fresh air.

nelco

Not a good way to be thinking. Who knows what life has in store or how long we have . How about just not drinking today, and if you get throught that come on here tomorrow and chat about your feelings again. enjoy the park, if you were drinking that would probably be cancelled and doggy would be unhappy. Ammends to dog straight away lol

Jfanagle

The dog will be grateful, so already you are making a difference in another's life. Funny how sobriety will do that.

Best of luck to you and stay in touch.

Jon

navysteve

Famous last words ( literally) of many who die right before they recover. The next drink could literally be your last.

AlkalikeH

I am not really into the whole "dramatic approach" but some posters here made terrific
points: especially the one made by Jon and Nelco. You need to approach your life as today and see what is really screwing it up and make a commitment to change it. And this has nothing to do with you being 27, 45 or 60.

I call it the George Costanza approach. On one episode of Seinfeld, he decided that since everything he has done in his life did not worked so far, he would force himself to do EXACTLY the opposite. Of course it is a sitcom and the outcome is hilarity. Now, the outcome of changing yourself, modifying your behavior and your approach on life - might probably being: knowing yourself in a very deep and meaningful way and experience happiness and sadness in their whole dimension: not escaping both through the bottle and such.

I does not seem like you have found any satisfaction through all these years of abuse. Just be selfish, forget about the odds that concerns dying. We all going there somehow. The big point is to experience another life, the one that it is in store through making significant changes to your existing one.

All the best, keep posting, keep in touch. Strength!

Iamlucy

I know age doesn't matter, but it just seems like a long commitment (what if I live to be 80) thats 53 years. I know I wouldn't live that long if I keep going like this.

It sounds ludicris but sometimes thats how I think. I'm ready for a change. I look at all the people who seem to be happy without addictions and sometimes I wonder how they can do that. To me life with addiction seems so normal.

I really appreciate this site and the nurses and doctors who have helped me thru detox thru the years. I know for a fact that I am not a person who can use anything recreationally so for me this seems a little overwhelming.

Its kinda funny because I don't remember at least 5 or more years of memories all combined. Thats why I never watched movies because I knew I wouldn't remember them anyway.

This time I really want to do it I'm just afraid with so many failed attempts that I can't.

navysteve

I was 22 when I got sober Lucy, since then my life has taken on a wild ride. I have been around the world, returned to school, played music in front of a lot of people, raised kids and read a book or two. I don't miss drinking or drugs at all. I rarely ever think about it. If that seems dramatic I am sorry. It is all too true.

Believe808

DON'T PICK UP TODAY!!!!! We are the lucky ones, we made it back. Some of us don't make it back, we die from picking up again. Don't think about a lifetime of not drinking or drugging, just do it ONE DAY AT A TIME. It doesn't seem that long then. Love ya, Donna

amirose

Hi, and Welcome to SR!!!!

I can't think about the rest of my life without changing the way I feel either...I'm on day 20. I can only think about today, or I get too overwhelmed. And I'm about to turn 36, so I don't think that age really has anything to do with it!

I have been an addict since I was a teenager and have tried MANY times to stop on my own and through treatment. This time I am going to AA and NA, got a sponsor who is only a few months clean and sober but she is GLOWING with joy and freedom. That is what I want and I am doing whatever she tells me I need to do, NOT what I think I need to do. MY WAY has not ever worked for me.

Keep coming on here, reading, and posting helps!! So glad you're here!

nelco

I know it seems like a commitment now but It becomes a way of life. I never really think of it as a struggle at all now...........to be honest if recovery was that much of a struggle I probably be back drinking long ago. Life is really good and like steve I have had fun and joy I never thought possible. I just booked a cruise for this summer, if I were drinking that money would go on drink and wasted living. I hate to throw this at you but you really need to just stick around untill the miracle happens. just keep it in the day or even the hour. Do nice positive things. Catch upon sleep, walk in the fresh air with your dog, listen to good music, eat well......if you must think about tomorrow think about something positive like how good you are going to look

chris1959

Pg 43, Pg 31-32, You can add drug addict any where you see the word alcoholic.

I started going to AA in 1980. I was in and out of AA, jails and institutions and in the end nearly died. It took me 15 years to finally stay clean and sober for any length of time. I was a heroin addict for 10 of those years but booze was always my DOC.
Not everyone has to hit rock bottom like I did and I hope you don't.

If you be a lush like me; the first drink gets us drunk. It is our thinking that talks us into that first one.

Iamlucy

I know exactly what I'm doing to myself; I think thats the worst part of being an addict of anything. We all know our selves too much and everyone else only gets bits and pieces of us.

Most strangers that I meet just think I'm a regular person until they get to know me. A lot of people that I know think I'm just a little crazy, but the messed up ones like it.

I can feel soooo bad with a hangover from various things and go somewhere and not talk and just smile at people and say hi; and most people wouldn't look at me like I have a problem.

I go to different liquor stores so that the people that I don't even know don't think I have a problem. When I go back after like a week, they're always like ohh where have you been, we missed you (when its the owners I know they just like the money). For some reason I have a very weird relationship with liquour store and gas station attendents because they always seem to remember me.

A couple weeks ago I went into this liquor store that I go to alot and the owner asked me to watch the store. I was thinking to myself, are you crazy; I could steal everything from you and you don't even know it. I wouldn't have but I still said no because I didn't want to be responsible just because he trusted me.

I havn't hit everyone else's rock bottom but some of my closest friends never knew my life; even my best friend (even though she hit her's).

This is a long post and I could probably write a book with everything I've been thru (most of us could).

I just appreciate this site and everyone on it and all I guess I can do is really try this time; for myself and no one else.

Iamlucy

By that I mean the rock bottom everyone else who knows I have a problem thinks I will hit.

joinedintime

Lucy, I'm with you on the struggle over - lifetime commitment vs one day at a time.

In my personal opinion:
Thinking lifetime is just too huge of a mountain which is why the concept of one day makes perfect sense at the beginning of your sobriety. However, you are not stupid (you realize what you've been doing is NOT working, and you're reaching out for help - so you're not stupid) and you know that you can't fool yourself into thinking that one day is all you need. But let's assume you are still alive some amount of time from now. You pick the time - 3 months, 2 years, 5 years, whatever. At that point in time would you be better off having been sober? Could you see yourself thinking about staying sober a little longer at that time? You'll be a stronger person then and you might just decide you can really commit long term. For now, go ahead one day at a time because it can really work.

I kind of gradually got built up past saying I won't drink today, to I know I won't drink this week, to then a month, and now I just don't want to drink. I'm not telling myself any set new goal, I just literally don't want to drink because I'm happier sober in general, not that I'm never down - that's just life. I'm so much happier being able to face what's up with the rest of my life right now...and trust me, there's a lot to face. It's not easy, but you can do it if you keep asking for help. You can't see it now, but it can actually be fun.

Don't reinvent the wheel at the beginning. When you get stronger at some point you can customize your own tool set but for now use "one day at a time" hammer because it's the best tool in the shed.

Go for it.