DayWalker

About 10 days ago my uncle passed away, about the same time my best friend was diagnosed with MS, my other friend was diagnosed with diabetes, and the third was admitted to the hospital with heart probs just last friday.

I could easily say that's what I drank, but that's all excuses. What it comes down to is this. I drank last Thursday through saterday and it was all my own decision to do it. I can't blame anyone or use anything thats happened as an excuse. After 42 days I made the conscious decision to drink, it's my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself. So...I'm admitting it here and starting from now again as day one.

I'm still dealing hard with all the self lothing from going back to drinking again..but I thought at least admitting it here was at least a first step to getting back on the right road. Sorry for giving in....I made a really bad choice..It was hard to come back here and admit it. But here I am. Hope you all except me back.

Steve

lunarise

Day~
Im glad you came back...congrats on making the decision to care for yourself. I wish you the best....
Peace
VS

tjhook

Steve I left you a PM,

Don't apologize, we all have our struggles......I have come here with my tail between my legs more than once. Hang in there, drinking just magnifies the problems we deal with. As a fellow Evan Tanner fan remember to "believe in the power of one", not just his meaning of changing the world, but believe in yourself to change YOUR world...and make it better.

Hook

allport

Well done for facing up to it Day Walker, I think we all know how hard it is to admit it when we mess up.

I was in your situation just a week ago and admitting it and starting again is the best thing I have done for myself in a long time.

Take care of yourself and I'm so sorry to hear of all the illness and sadness that you are having to deal with.

Dime

Glad your back!
You have made a big step already just by posting. We are all human and the thing we have never goes away. Keep pluggin man!

yeahgr8

Alright Steve!

Well 43 days this time then! Have you got any outside help apart from SR?

The self loathing, yep that sucks, i remember that like yesterday! Kind of a great indicator that we aren't just problems drinkers and a certificate of authenticity for our alcoholism!

I think it's very strong of you to come back after only a matter of days, it's just as easy to disappear for 6 months IMO! Keep trying and you will achieve more than you can imagine i am certain for you:-)

This is only the first round, don't be put off about getting a coach to see you through to the final bell (sorry that was awful, it is early morning!)

cliff

pedro1968

i had a relapse my self in december 2008 and the guilt was terrible,the worse feeling was letting down the people whose trust i started to get back,the first thing i done was go to a meeting and share how i was feeling,the understanding and kindness i recieved helped confront what made me go back out and drink,i had not accepted that i was an alcoholic,and thought i could drink like normal drinkers,a painful lesson learned but i believe one i had to endure to get me where i am today

one day at a time

least

Learn from your relapse and move forward again.:ghug3

nelco

When I got sober one of the real biggies was to start thinking how can I help others rather than always thinking of myself and my addiction .. me. ..me..me!!I am not trying to be hard on you and if we were F2F you would realize I mean this in the best possible way. It would be nice if you were there to support your friends and family through these times. Life can be very tough and we all need to help each other through the hard times. But when we alcoholics go back to drinking we cannot help or support anyone we are so wrapped up in ourselves, we actually add to their pain !!! I think its a great start for you to come back here and admitt you drank, honesty is also hard for people who suffer from alcoholism. I would look to where I went wrong, what were the patterns that led me back to that drink. What can you learn from this. Nothing is wasted if you can learn from it and move on. You can have great freedom ahead if you choose, The decision is yours. Well done on getting honest and I wish you all the best in your recovery.

CarolD

I tooo had false starts on my way to solid recovery.

Glad you are here with us

CarolD

pedro1968.....
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum
Good to know you are back on track

CarolD

Allport.....
Thanks for sharing I'm pleased you are moving forward

Kallista

I'm going to go all crusty old timer at you, and ask the questions...Did drinking change any one of these facts? (Nope.) Did drinking help solve any of these problems? (Nope.) Did drinking do anything but make you drunk with the exact same problems you had before? (Nope.)

You're absolutely welcome here, even after a slip. You can always start over. Slips add to the total information we have about our drinking. (Example: "Oh, dear. I drank again. It was still a bad idea.") In my first couple of years of sobriety, there were nights in my life when the only reason I didn't drink was that I didn't have any money or a car to get to the bar. The next day, I barely remembered what I was so mad about that I wanted to have a drink over it.

AKDave

Steve I slipped last week also, found SR and signed up on Sun. Now with the support of some friends and SR I plan on dusting myself off and getting back on track.

collinsmi

You're just like me DayWalker, except that when I went out I tended to stay out for a few years - back in baby's arms again you might say. All that guilting SEEMS productive on some level, but doesn't really work. If it did I wouldn't be smoking a cigarette right now.

What worked for me was to stop drinking and get busy on the steps.

RufusACanal

Cunning, Baffling and Powerful; Alcoholism. Welcome back, Daywalker and welcome to all of the newcomers to SR. I agree with you in that excuses resolve nothing; I drank because I wanted to for years and then I drank for years because I lost the choice in drink. This realization is of the most personal and nothing on earth; no person, place or thing can make me come to grips with the knowledge that I am mentally, physically and spiritually different from my friends and family, but me. I had to see the insanity and accept it was of my own making before I could ever begin to change, let alone believe that change was possible.

At some point in my drinking, I consciously waited for negative situations to drink over and I would reinforce those negative events years before they actually happened. I was a Drunk long before my Father passed away; in and out of treatment centers, homeless shelters and jails. One would think that I would have had more respect for my Father's life let alone his passing than planning a drunk for the occasion years in advance. Shortly after my Father passed, I was drunk again after another four month period of drying out; self-pity was the fuel for many a binge.
Let me qualify my return to a drink. When I drank after a period of not drinking for any period longer than say thirty days, I gave up on everything in life that most responsible people have in their structured lives. If in college, I left school, apartment and most of my material possession. After college, if I drank, I gave up my home, relationships with family and friends and most of my material possessions. A return to drinking fully encompassed my entire being as soon as the first drink passed my lips; nothing was of value because ultimately I knew I would die.

I remember being sober for forty two days; for ages I could not get past a month and two months sober was ever beyond my abilities. Over and over from 1977 until my first nine month period of sobriety in 1999, did I stay in the one, two, three and four month club always returning one more time to pick up a drink. So for twenty two years, I binged than sobered up just to binge again. Not until I met a certain man in AA, who told me I that I need to be once and for all full of booze did I see the possibility of permanent sobriety. I failed at living one day at a time in past attempts due in large part to a complete absence of hope that I could ever amount to anything. I had no hope that I could ever lift my head up and be like other men. I had failed so often and it was all I knew to be a failed Drunk.

Something finally changed. When I drank the last time, I had been sober from the beginning of 2001 until my last binge in March and April of 2003. For almost two and a half years and I had experienced a life unimagined; no longer was I a failure and just a Drunk. I was a respected business person, diligent employee, husband and friend. So why did I drink? Remember, I had been a member of AA since 1977 so why did it not work for me?

I was not full of booze yet and I had failed to enlarge my spiritual life; it is just that simple. My last drink was April 27, 2003 and my New Life started on April 28, 2003.
What’s different? Today, I have hope for the future. Today, I see the relevance of repetition in all of my affairs. Today, I am willing to listen and learn and above all adapt. Today, I am no longer alone. Today, I can find the beauty in just about anything. Today, I no longer have to die a little at a time to justify my place in the world; in fact, I need not justify anything. I am free. Did I get here alone? No. My belief that a Greater Power was patience enough with me as to not pull my plug and this Power gave me enough faith in the unseen that it will not be pulled until I have serviced whatever purpose is in store for me. The impulse to take a drink of any kind or amount at any time is gone, completely. I no longer live in the same fear that kept me in chains.

Thank you for allowing me to retell this most important part of my life. Shame no longer binds this story neither in my mind nor in my heart. I believe that any man or woman, whether of the greater or less Alcoholic degree can recover if they only are willing to recognize that hope is truly available if they will simply answer the call. Best to you in all.

DayWalker

Thanks for the support everyone. It's hard to look yourself in the mirror after going back to drinking when you know better. Today and yesterday have been a bit better though. I've come to the conclusion that beating myself up over my stupidity isn't going to help me one bit so I'm just trying to put it behind me and move forward. That's really all I can do I guess.

Kallista you are correct with what you said. It didn't help anything at all and the problems were still there the next day. I knew that before I gave in, but for some reason, like a moron, I still did it anyway.

But Like I said I'm trying my best to just put it behind me and move forward now. Thanks for all the support and understanding here.

Steve

readyforhelp

Good for you. I think this is the part that gets us stuck: not being able to move forward. The spiral down can be steep and fast. I am glad you're here.

DayWalker

Gotta update this tonight. Now....I'm doin okay still tonight, but I mentioned all the stuff thats happend with my buddy diagnosied with MS, my other friend with heart probs, uncle passing away a couple weeks ago. Well guess what....my other buddy I have known for 20 yrs just called me today, and he said they told him he has Prostate cancer. prostate cancer is what killed my dad in 1996 at 52 yrs old (my buddy is 52 right now).

Life's a bitch sometimes isn't it. I'm "okay" tonight....but I swear I just cant believe all this. What else could happen.

I'm not giving in though. I already did that and I wont do it again...but I need to vent out hear at least to keep my head on straight!

CarolD

Sorry to know of another friends health issues.
Prayers going out for healing.

I'm glad your going to be sober ...they will need
your clear head and loving support.