Is this battle ever going to end ?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Is this battle ever going to end ?
I read a lot of u post on here, and u know what it pretty much says everything that I feel in my heart. A lot of ya'll are really good writers and are so intelligent, like myself (lol). I think honestly we r so smart that we reverse ourselves in a negative mannor. I too feel like I am weak, and I want to stop so bad. I am seeing all the writings on the wall that I will die if I don't stop. The relationship with my family is crazy do to this, also my heart is hurt more then ever I feel like I'm just a low down weak mess up and w/o this I can't coop with life on it's own terms. Maybe trying to be that 100% woman. I don't know how to achieve or function properly ? Or maybe because Of the family issues at a younger age, I always said I would not turn out like my parents, and of course I did...How do u live normally have strenghn and cut off the things and people and actions that u are so used of doing. The pattern is just not leaving me. I am so worn out and the problem is Lonely and depressed, a lot of it has to do with drinking it's just making me more depressed then I was in the first place. I feel so alone, and ashamed to let anyone know how I really feel (except for S.R) Just don't know where to start and can't seem to sit with myself, my anxiety and stress after the drinking and effecting my brain after 10 years is eating me away. I am so lost ashamed, hurt, and have no hope....
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Originally Posted by charisma 
I read a lot of u post on here, and u know what it pretty much says everything that I feel in my heart. A lot of ya'll are really good writers and are so intelligent, like myself (lol). I think honestly we r so smart that we reverse ourselves in a negative mannor. I too feel like I am weak, and I want to stop so bad. I am seeing all the writings on the wall that I will die if I don't stop. The relationship with my family is crazy do to this, also my heart is hurt more then ever I feel like I'm just a low down weak mess up and w/o this I can't coop with life on it's own terms.
We have to change the game plan, alter the situation, and remove the addictive agent.
Addiction is not weakness IMO.
Maybe trying to be that 100% woman. I don't know how to achieve or function properly ? Or maybe because Of the family issues at a younger age, I always said I would not turn out like my parents, and of course I did...How do u live normally have strenghn and cut off the things and people and actions that u are so used of doing. The pattern is just not leaving me. I am so worn out and the problem is Lonely and depressed, a lot of it has to do with drinking it's just making me more depressed then I was in the first place. I feel so alone, and ashamed to let anyone know how I really feel (except for S.R) Just don't know where to start and can't seem to sit with myself, my anxiety and stress after the drinking and effecting my brain after 10 years is eating me away. I am so lost ashamed, hurt, and have no hope....
Whatever the reason - and there are as many different reasons as there are addicts I expect - we have to change our situation.
For me, the first step was to not drink anymore. Once I drink I compound the problem, I dig myself deeper into the mire. I believe that only by stopping can you start to work on ourselves with a clean slate.
The way to do that, in the beginning, really is one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Even something as simple as an affirmation in the morning 'I will not drink today', and sticking to it, no matter what, gives us a change to start rebuilding our lives.
The task of changing ourselves is pretty immense - it's best done in increments Charisma.
It's not easy - if it were, we'd not need sites like these. Have you thought about support programmes? I don't push any one in particular but I do think it's vital to have support - some find SR is enough, but many of us here need more than that as well. Theres a sticky about recovery programmes in this forum. Check it out
It is possible to get your life back.
I drank alcoholically for 15 years - the last 5 were 24/7, or as near as I could manage. I'm nearly two years clean now.
Getting sober - and staying that way - is the best thing I've ever done.
Start right away, Charisma
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Yes....you too can find a way to be happily sober.
I found my situational depression cleared rather quickly
when I started AA recovery.
The Steps taught me coping skills and a way to live
in joy and harmony. ..
Please keep trying everthing you can think of.
Your new life is waiting.
Here are excerpts from the book that explained to
me why I kept drinking...tho I wanted to qwit
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Hope you too will find it useful
Welcome back to SR!
Last edited by CarolD; 03-06-2009 at 11:21 PM. Reason: Added Link
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Charisma,
Please really read what Dee and Carol posted. It's true! I have almost 15 months now. There is peace in my life. I have more good days than bad ones. For me, it was realizing on a deep level that I cannot drink. The misery is not worth it.
Educate yourself as much as possible about how alcoholism works. Make a plan to stay sober. I plan my sobriety. I enjoy it each day. Life still happens to me but my relationship to life is different now.
I hope this makes sense. Please keep coming to SR! Lots of support and information!
Love,
Lenina
Please really read what Dee and Carol posted. It's true! I have almost 15 months now. There is peace in my life. I have more good days than bad ones. For me, it was realizing on a deep level that I cannot drink. The misery is not worth it.
Educate yourself as much as possible about how alcoholism works. Make a plan to stay sober. I plan my sobriety. I enjoy it each day. Life still happens to me but my relationship to life is different now.
I hope this makes sense. Please keep coming to SR! Lots of support and information!
Love,
Lenina
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 361
When I made a decision to surrender to my alcoholism i didn't tell a soul. I just looked deep into myself and looked for my strengths and my reasons. I went about my day and went to AA meetings. My husband is still a beer drinker but he has cut back. I just knew (finally) that I needed to want to be sober more than anything else in the whole world. More than my marriage more than my daughter and more than me! If I kept drinking I would have lost all of those things anyway so why not give it a go!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I understand completely how endless the loop can seem. I came to a point where I knew I wanted to stop, NEEDED to stop, but was unable to get past day 3 or 4. Years worth of this. Finally, I asked my Dr for Antabuse because I knew that it would take the decision OUT OF MY HANDS. What it gave me was a period of sobriety, a clarity of mind, and a perspective on how insane I really was. Before I had to BELIEVE that life was better sober, now I KNOW it is. And now that I know that, I don't want to go back there, ever.
One needs to get out of the loop, by whatever means. That takes willingness and commitment (and even desperation as in my case). Once you have "a little time", you will be amazed, just AMAZED at how much better life is and wonder what took you so long! That has been my experience, at least.
One needs to get out of the loop, by whatever means. That takes willingness and commitment (and even desperation as in my case). Once you have "a little time", you will be amazed, just AMAZED at how much better life is and wonder what took you so long! That has been my experience, at least.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Originally Posted by HideorSeek
I understand completely how endless the loop can seem. I came to a point where I knew I wanted to stop, NEEDED to stop, but was unable to get past day 3 or 4. Years worth of this. Finally, I asked my Dr for Antabuse because I knew that it would take the decision OUT OF MY HANDS. What it gave me was a period of sobriety, a clarity of mind, and a perspective on how insane I really was. Before I had to BELIEVE that life was better sober, now I KNOW it is. And now that I know that, I don't want to go back there, ever.
One needs to get out of the loop, by whatever means. That takes willingness and commitment (and even desperation as in my case). Once you have "a little time", you will be amazed, just AMAZED at how much better life is and wonder what took you so long! That has been my experience, at least.
One needs to get out of the loop, by whatever means. That takes willingness and commitment (and even desperation as in my case). Once you have "a little time", you will be amazed, just AMAZED at how much better life is and wonder what took you so long! That has been my experience, at least.
The battle is over when you give up.
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
Hi Charisma,
I felt like you did once. I felt all the feelings you talk about. I thought life was never going to improve for me. It did and when I surrendered. Just throw in the towel and give up on that booze. Life is for living, not bowing and scraping to a bottle.
I totally agree with Hideorseek here. This is also my experience. If we can do it so can you. I think you are already on your way....
I felt like you did once. I felt all the feelings you talk about. I thought life was never going to improve for me. It did and when I surrendered. Just throw in the towel and give up on that booze. Life is for living, not bowing and scraping to a bottle.
One needs to get out of the loop, by whatever means. That takes willingness and commitment (and even desperation as in my case). Once you have "a little time", you will be amazed, just AMAZED at how much better life is and wonder what took you so long! That has been my experience, at least.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,500
Charisma,
Please try to not feel ashamed. You are a good person and you are here seeking support and you can be proud of yourself for doing that.
I spent much of my life trying to be 'not like my mother', and I focused on that so much, that I lost of sight of me and who I was. And, of course, I ended up just like my mother. I guess what I'm saying is just take some time to focus on you and what you want out of life. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, but you can learn to live a sober life. The depression and anxiety you are experiencing have a good chance of clearing up, if you stop drinking.
You're right about needing to make some big changes in life, to ensure sobriety and it's hard to give up people and things that you used to do. But, remember, that when you remove something negative from your life, something positive can come along and fill it up.
Please try to not feel ashamed. You are a good person and you are here seeking support and you can be proud of yourself for doing that.
I spent much of my life trying to be 'not like my mother', and I focused on that so much, that I lost of sight of me and who I was. And, of course, I ended up just like my mother. I guess what I'm saying is just take some time to focus on you and what you want out of life. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, but you can learn to live a sober life. The depression and anxiety you are experiencing have a good chance of clearing up, if you stop drinking.
You're right about needing to make some big changes in life, to ensure sobriety and it's hard to give up people and things that you used to do. But, remember, that when you remove something negative from your life, something positive can come along and fill it up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by beingjenagain
When I made a decision to surrender to my alcoholism i didn't tell a soul. I just looked deep into myself and looked for my strengths and my reasons. I went about my day and went to AA meetings. My husband is still a beer drinker but he has cut back. I just knew (finally) that I needed to want to be sober more than anything else in the whole world. More than my marriage more than my daughter and more than me! If I kept drinking I would have lost all of those things anyway so why not give it a go!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by 51anna
Charisma,
Please try to not feel ashamed. You are a good person and you are here seeking support and you can be proud of yourself for doing that.
I spent much of my life trying to be 'not like my mother', and I focused on that so much, that I lost of sight of me and who I was. And, of course, I ended up just like my mother. I guess what I'm saying is just take some time to focus on you and what you want out of life. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, but you can learn to live a sober life. The depression and anxiety you are experiencing have a good chance of clearing up, if you stop drinking.
You're right about needing to make some big changes in life, to ensure sobriety and it's hard to give up people and things that you used to do. But, remember, that when you remove something negative from your life, something positive can come along and fill it up.
Please try to not feel ashamed. You are a good person and you are here seeking support and you can be proud of yourself for doing that.
I spent much of my life trying to be 'not like my mother', and I focused on that so much, that I lost of sight of me and who I was. And, of course, I ended up just like my mother. I guess what I'm saying is just take some time to focus on you and what you want out of life. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, but you can learn to live a sober life. The depression and anxiety you are experiencing have a good chance of clearing up, if you stop drinking.
You're right about needing to make some big changes in life, to ensure sobriety and it's hard to give up people and things that you used to do. But, remember, that when you remove something negative from your life, something positive can come along and fill it up.
Thank you Anna....I have already been feeling better and the world actually has it's lights turned on, I have been out of the dark for 7 days now, and everthing is that much brighter, with helps and support from all of you it keeps me going and knowing that I'm not alone because people just don't seem to understand or even care...Also about getting out of the binge was hard but I did it, this is only the 2nd time I have ever done this b4 in 10 years and hopefully by day by day the last. I love the way I feel right now. My eyes are bright skin is clear hair is soft. Shoot I can think clearly, now can I sit??????????:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Crofton, Md
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Dee74
I used to think it was weakness too, but it's not. I believe I'm as strong now as I was then - I just couldn't harness that strength because I was addicted.
We have to change the game plan, alter the situation, and remove the addictive agent.
Addiction is not weakness IMO.
I think a lot of it is our unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others, of life even. It could be family too - genetics, environment or both.
Whatever the reason - and there are as many different reasons as there are addicts I expect - we have to change our situation.
For me, the first step was to not drink anymore. Once I drink I compound the problem, I dig myself deeper into the mire. I believe that only by stopping can you start to work on ourselves with a clean slate.
The way to do that, in the beginning, really is one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Even something as simple as an affirmation in the morning 'I will not drink today', and sticking to it, no matter what, gives us a change to start rebuilding our lives.
The task of changing ourselves is pretty immense - it's best done in increments Charisma.
It's not easy - if it were, we'd not need sites like these. Have you thought about support programmes? I don't push any one in particular but I do think it's vital to have support - some find SR is enough, but many of us here need more than that as well. Theres a sticky about recovery programmes in this forum. Check it out
It is possible to get your life back.
I drank alcoholically for 15 years - the last 5 were 24/7, or as near as I could manage. I'm nearly two years clean now.
Getting sober - and staying that way - is the best thing I've ever done.
Start right away, Charisma
D
We have to change the game plan, alter the situation, and remove the addictive agent.
Addiction is not weakness IMO.
I think a lot of it is our unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others, of life even. It could be family too - genetics, environment or both.
Whatever the reason - and there are as many different reasons as there are addicts I expect - we have to change our situation.
For me, the first step was to not drink anymore. Once I drink I compound the problem, I dig myself deeper into the mire. I believe that only by stopping can you start to work on ourselves with a clean slate.
The way to do that, in the beginning, really is one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Even something as simple as an affirmation in the morning 'I will not drink today', and sticking to it, no matter what, gives us a change to start rebuilding our lives.
The task of changing ourselves is pretty immense - it's best done in increments Charisma.
It's not easy - if it were, we'd not need sites like these. Have you thought about support programmes? I don't push any one in particular but I do think it's vital to have support - some find SR is enough, but many of us here need more than that as well. Theres a sticky about recovery programmes in this forum. Check it out
It is possible to get your life back.
I drank alcoholically for 15 years - the last 5 were 24/7, or as near as I could manage. I'm nearly two years clean now.
Getting sober - and staying that way - is the best thing I've ever done.
Start right away, Charisma
D
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Welcome to SR....it looks like you've made up your mind and are on your way to a sober life!
All of the feelings you spoke of in your original post, are things all of us have thought of ourselves. Please stick around and keep posting. SR Rocks!
All of the feelings you spoke of in your original post, are things all of us have thought of ourselves. Please stick around and keep posting. SR Rocks!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 196
we play God with our lives and other peoples lives (spouses, partners, children, siblings, relatives, employees, co-workers, friends, neighbours, other AA's) even when we have been around AA for a while; some of us treat the Spiritual Malady with outside issues (gambling, food, sex, compulsive relationships and/or drugs ).
being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),
having trouble with personal relationships,
not being able to control our emotional natures,
being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
having feelings of uselessness,
being full of fear,
unhappiness,
inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and
self-pity" (page 62),
self-will run riot (page 62),
leading a double life (page 73),
living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
its our selfishness and self centredness that trigger us to respond to lifes situations with the above, spiritual malady means we are driven by the above and that blocks us off from the power of God, I had to surrender to the fact I am as equally powerless over the spiritual malady as I am over alcohol, its as much a fact of my unmanagability as well, this is what drove me to seek the power of God,
I am just the same without a drink as with one, the above list applied in both cases, AA's 12 step program gave me the way out.
Dave
being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),
having trouble with personal relationships,
not being able to control our emotional natures,
being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
having feelings of uselessness,
being full of fear,
unhappiness,
inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and
self-pity" (page 62),
self-will run riot (page 62),
leading a double life (page 73),
living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
its our selfishness and self centredness that trigger us to respond to lifes situations with the above, spiritual malady means we are driven by the above and that blocks us off from the power of God, I had to surrender to the fact I am as equally powerless over the spiritual malady as I am over alcohol, its as much a fact of my unmanagability as well, this is what drove me to seek the power of God,
I am just the same without a drink as with one, the above list applied in both cases, AA's 12 step program gave me the way out.
Dave
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