Person behind the alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: London, England
Posts: 54
Person behind the alcoholic
I will not try to make this too long. What I say below, is not intended to induce pity or make me out to be anything else than human, capable of greatness but also deeply floored.
2 weeks sober today - the longest in 5 years. Cool.
My alcoholic behaviour realy began in my mid to late 20's. I knew from my early 20's I had the potential to be an alcoholic, but always managed to keep it in check. I am 30 now, single, have a job a love (which I get to go back to tommorrow!) and am fortunate enough to own my own property. From just after my 27th birthday until now, I lost my mother suddenly and my father on 24th December 2007 - they had both gone before I was 30. During this time, an 8 year relationship ended, I then soon dated someone whom I loved dearly but decended into herion addiction and prostiution whom I had to walk away from and soon then dated someone whom I thought I had a future with but ended it days before the anniversary of my dads death with no explanation, oly to get back with her ex-partner days later. This was late last year. During this time I moved numerous time, but never, ever felt I had a home of my own. Despite now woning my own property, I hate being there, its not home. I dont know where home is.
My drinking worsened durimg this time, I was angry at circumstance and angry at myself for dealing with things badly, which in turn caused more anxiety and more poor coping, i.e. drinking. It became more progressive, such as drinking as soon as I got home from work, drinking to get off to sleep, drinking in the middle of the night, drinking earlier and earlier at the weekends, drinking in the mornings at the weekends, making up excuses to have a pint at lunchtime at work, getting drunk at social occasions and acting a fool to the drinking before going to work. The last drink I had was at about 7:30 two weeks agojust to remove the withdrawals. That day I seizured and ended up in hospital. I hated being on my own and to kill time would drink. It helped at first but in the end was doing nothing except taking away the withdrawals. In the last few days of my drinking I would leave work early order and drink but my shakes would be so bad I could not even pick the drink up. If ever there was qualatitive evidence that it is a progressive illness then this is it. I am so angry I let it get to this.
I guess the point is that drinking is a symptom of a wider set of problems and it is the gift of sobriety that allows us to address these. Drinking though then becomes a cause of additional problems. However, my removing the alcohol we can start to retrieve ourselves. I used think by not drinking then all of lifes woes would go. How foolish - and I think this is why relapse is so easy - have done it many times! Ending the drink is just the start. Bad stuff will happen, but at least we can put ourselves in a place where we can deal with them.
I have struggled when felt judged, or that people were reacting to my behaviour and not the possible reasons for it. One of the most noble gifts a person can have is the ability to see people as people, and not a set of behaviours. I have chosen therefore, to surround myself with people who have been through similair things. Here, AA, close friends I have.
Sorry to rant - am not expecting loads of responses - just wanted to share my story and my jounrey to here.
Take care
Paul
2 weeks sober today - the longest in 5 years. Cool.
My alcoholic behaviour realy began in my mid to late 20's. I knew from my early 20's I had the potential to be an alcoholic, but always managed to keep it in check. I am 30 now, single, have a job a love (which I get to go back to tommorrow!) and am fortunate enough to own my own property. From just after my 27th birthday until now, I lost my mother suddenly and my father on 24th December 2007 - they had both gone before I was 30. During this time, an 8 year relationship ended, I then soon dated someone whom I loved dearly but decended into herion addiction and prostiution whom I had to walk away from and soon then dated someone whom I thought I had a future with but ended it days before the anniversary of my dads death with no explanation, oly to get back with her ex-partner days later. This was late last year. During this time I moved numerous time, but never, ever felt I had a home of my own. Despite now woning my own property, I hate being there, its not home. I dont know where home is.
My drinking worsened durimg this time, I was angry at circumstance and angry at myself for dealing with things badly, which in turn caused more anxiety and more poor coping, i.e. drinking. It became more progressive, such as drinking as soon as I got home from work, drinking to get off to sleep, drinking in the middle of the night, drinking earlier and earlier at the weekends, drinking in the mornings at the weekends, making up excuses to have a pint at lunchtime at work, getting drunk at social occasions and acting a fool to the drinking before going to work. The last drink I had was at about 7:30 two weeks agojust to remove the withdrawals. That day I seizured and ended up in hospital. I hated being on my own and to kill time would drink. It helped at first but in the end was doing nothing except taking away the withdrawals. In the last few days of my drinking I would leave work early order and drink but my shakes would be so bad I could not even pick the drink up. If ever there was qualatitive evidence that it is a progressive illness then this is it. I am so angry I let it get to this.
I guess the point is that drinking is a symptom of a wider set of problems and it is the gift of sobriety that allows us to address these. Drinking though then becomes a cause of additional problems. However, my removing the alcohol we can start to retrieve ourselves. I used think by not drinking then all of lifes woes would go. How foolish - and I think this is why relapse is so easy - have done it many times! Ending the drink is just the start. Bad stuff will happen, but at least we can put ourselves in a place where we can deal with them.
I have struggled when felt judged, or that people were reacting to my behaviour and not the possible reasons for it. One of the most noble gifts a person can have is the ability to see people as people, and not a set of behaviours. I have chosen therefore, to surround myself with people who have been through similair things. Here, AA, close friends I have.
Sorry to rant - am not expecting loads of responses - just wanted to share my story and my jounrey to here.
Take care
Paul
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Paul rant away!!!! LOL Ranting can be good for the soul, a whole lot better then keeping it inside.
Welcome to SR, Congrats on the 2 weeks sober, stay in the day, go to your meetings, get phone numbers and use them! That is what I did, start looking for a sponsor also, getting a temporary one is a good deal to start out with.
Welcome to SR, Congrats on the 2 weeks sober, stay in the day, go to your meetings, get phone numbers and use them! That is what I did, start looking for a sponsor also, getting a temporary one is a good deal to start out with.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by RightAngled 
I guess the point is that drinking is a symptom of a wider set of problems and it is the gift of sobriety that allows us to address these........ Bad stuff will happen, but at least we can put ourselves in a place where we can deal with them......... One of the most noble gifts a person can have is the ability to see people as people, and not a set of behaviours.
on your two weeks!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: London, England
Posts: 54
Thanks all - felt good to write that and if folk indentify then that is great. I am back at work today for the first time in 2 weeks. Feel a bit nervous, but went out yesterday and bought some new clothes so I can look the part. When I was last in work I looked exactly how I felt - a stinking mess. It will be very different today. Went to a good AA meeting last night and have another one tonight. Have my plan for today and will live in it. Thats all I can do and all I ask myself at the moment. Heres to day 15!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by rightangled
I guess the point is that drinking is a symptom of a wider set of problems and it is the gift of sobriety that allows us to address these.
Congratulations on the 2 weeks.
another Paul.... there seems to be a few of us just lately :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi paul
Thats a brilliant post! You are going to AA which is great. i am addressing them through counselling at the moment, as you say the lifestyle and midset must be addressed or we will go back to drinking...it would be only a matter of time.
Congratulations on the 2 weeks, i've got 4 months on the 15th, best time of my life without any doubt whatsoever and i am stil addressing and changing things for the better, i think that road is going to be never ending which it should be!
Thats a brilliant post! You are going to AA which is great. i am addressing them through counselling at the moment, as you say the lifestyle and midset must be addressed or we will go back to drinking...it would be only a matter of time.
Congratulations on the 2 weeks, i've got 4 months on the 15th, best time of my life without any doubt whatsoever and i am stil addressing and changing things for the better, i think that road is going to be never ending which it should be!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I guess the point is that drinking is a symptom of a wider set of problems and it is the gift of sobriety that allows us to address these. Drinking though then becomes a cause of additional problems. However, my removing the alcohol we can start to retrieve ourselves. I used think by not drinking then all of lifes woes would go. How foolish - and I think this is why relapse is so easy - have done it many times! Ending the drink is just the start. Bad stuff will happen, but at least we can put ourselves in a place where we can deal with them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 46
Congrats on 2 weeks Paul. I know what you mean about the whole drinking because of problems, and then the drinking itself causing more problems. I started getting anxiety and depression, so I would use it as an excuse to drink.....after drinking, I would feel regret and worry about people finding out that I had been really drunk, so I started to feel anxious and depressed....vicious circle. I'm only on day 2 and hope to be at 2 weeks soon. Congrats again.
Erin
Erin
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
Family intervention delivered me
to the front doors of rehab 18 yrs
ago. I was sick and tired of being
sick and tired that i just wanted to
lay down and die.
Of course things turned out differently
for me because here I am yrs later with
a number of one days at a time collected
together to get me where I am today. Sober.
2 weeks sober is a good start on ur recovery
journey. My first 2 weeks of a 28 day
stay in rehab was just the beginning for me.
You mentioned above in one of ur lines........
"I hate being there, its not home. I dont know
where home is."
Sounds so familiar because i thought and
felt the same for many many yrs.....
My parents home was to be a safe
secure place, which it was, however
the physical and verbal abuse as a
child distroyed any feelings of love
that was there.
Second was my married life half
during my drinking career, raising
my little family to family intervention,
resentments, distrust, to relocating
out of state for 10 yrs....to hating
where i lived, to Dear Lord please
bring me home.
Sure enough i was led back to my
home town which is home however
my apt. wasnt really a home.
Ive remained sober thru all the
changes in my life and have finally
found what ive been looking for all
my life.
Love.
I had been looking for love in all the wrong
places. In all the wrong things. When all
I needed was to look within myself. And
I have. I know im a good person. Not
perfect for sure. I take full responsibility
for all my actions and don't blame myself
for what all i did as a result of my disease
of alcoholism. Progress not perfection.
Within the last 3 yrs, my HP has guided
me and blessed me with wonderful gifts.
A civil divorce. Jobs. A new relationship
and a home filled with love.
A place I can finally call home.
As long as I continue to turn my
will and life over to a Power greater
than myself and take each day at
a time with no expections and
work my AA program to the best
of my ability sharing my own ESH
with newcomers then I know Im
in a good place in my life.
To find a place called home is
a wonderful awesome gift in
recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
Family intervention delivered me
to the front doors of rehab 18 yrs
ago. I was sick and tired of being
sick and tired that i just wanted to
lay down and die.
Of course things turned out differently
for me because here I am yrs later with
a number of one days at a time collected
together to get me where I am today. Sober.
2 weeks sober is a good start on ur recovery
journey. My first 2 weeks of a 28 day
stay in rehab was just the beginning for me.
You mentioned above in one of ur lines........
"I hate being there, its not home. I dont know
where home is."
Sounds so familiar because i thought and
felt the same for many many yrs.....
My parents home was to be a safe
secure place, which it was, however
the physical and verbal abuse as a
child distroyed any feelings of love
that was there.
Second was my married life half
during my drinking career, raising
my little family to family intervention,
resentments, distrust, to relocating
out of state for 10 yrs....to hating
where i lived, to Dear Lord please
bring me home.
Sure enough i was led back to my
home town which is home however
my apt. wasnt really a home.
Ive remained sober thru all the
changes in my life and have finally
found what ive been looking for all
my life.
Love.
I had been looking for love in all the wrong
places. In all the wrong things. When all
I needed was to look within myself. And
I have. I know im a good person. Not
perfect for sure. I take full responsibility
for all my actions and don't blame myself
for what all i did as a result of my disease
of alcoholism. Progress not perfection.
Within the last 3 yrs, my HP has guided
me and blessed me with wonderful gifts.
A civil divorce. Jobs. A new relationship
and a home filled with love.
A place I can finally call home.
As long as I continue to turn my
will and life over to a Power greater
than myself and take each day at
a time with no expections and
work my AA program to the best
of my ability sharing my own ESH
with newcomers then I know Im
in a good place in my life.
To find a place called home is
a wonderful awesome gift in
recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Paul, you've had a lot on your plate in your young life.
To be intelligent enough to know you need to stop drinking now, rather than in 20 years is truly remarkable, and a testament to your parents, who would be very proud of you.
Congratulations of 2 weeks...it just gets better.
To be intelligent enough to know you need to stop drinking now, rather than in 20 years is truly remarkable, and a testament to your parents, who would be very proud of you.
Congratulations of 2 weeks...it just gets better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: London, England
Posts: 54
Thanks for all of your kind posts - it realy helps on the way to where I wanna be. That life has no blueprint is as exciting as it is scary - I am more able to take things slowly rather than think I have to be this ideal and perfect person which is not only not achieveable in a short space of time but not achievable full stop. I am trying to be easier on myself. I am back in my flat next week which feels me with htese emotions. This will be the danger time. I have no internet there at the moment so I wont be able to post but in the meantime I will check when I can and more importantly, the solidarity and non judgemental empathy I will carry with me.
Thanks once again - you all feel like family
Paul
Thanks once again - you all feel like family
Paul
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