sober for two weeks ,noticing strained marriage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: washington
Posts: 78
sober for two weeks ,noticing strained marriage
I have been sober for two weeks now, and I have been so irritable off and on.
My husband and I are close and able to talk most things through. But he has always had a hard time in our marriage if I were "witchy". So he knows what I am going through with the withdrawals and ect, but I feel him pulling away and distancing himself from me.
I know for myself that I am withdrawn too. I guess my question is: Is this normal for recovery, have you all experienced changes in your relationships ?
I know this is probably only temporary and i know in my head that our 18 year marriage is going to go through changes because I quit drinking. But right now I feel very vulnerable and emotional and I think I really need him to be constant for me.
anyway , I am rambling on, I am trying to be sensitive to his needs and that he is doing all he knows how to do.
Has anyone else had this happen?
would love your input
jules
My husband and I are close and able to talk most things through. But he has always had a hard time in our marriage if I were "witchy". So he knows what I am going through with the withdrawals and ect, but I feel him pulling away and distancing himself from me.
I know for myself that I am withdrawn too. I guess my question is: Is this normal for recovery, have you all experienced changes in your relationships ?
I know this is probably only temporary and i know in my head that our 18 year marriage is going to go through changes because I quit drinking. But right now I feel very vulnerable and emotional and I think I really need him to be constant for me.
anyway , I am rambling on, I am trying to be sensitive to his needs and that he is doing all he knows how to do.
Has anyone else had this happen?
would love your input
jules
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
We find out as we sober up, many of us want to be responsible again. Sadly others have had to take care of running our affairs home etc. partly due to the fact, we couldn't be trusted to handle money etc.
Have you talked to him about him going to Al Anon??
Our S/O's parents and family are angels to put up with our crap.
He's still there so, he loves for better or worse and that's a good thing
Have you talked to him about him going to Al Anon??
Our S/O's parents and family are angels to put up with our crap.
He's still there so, he loves for better or worse and that's a good thing
lunarlovelunar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Jules, I understand. I had my two weeks last Monday and my marriage is a little off kilter right now for sure. We weren't that close before I quit because of my drinking and being closed off. Now Im not really sure how I feel. I posted something under secular connections if you want to see what others had to say to me about the whole thing. Its under "new sobriety and marriage" I wish you the best, it can be rough I know. PM me if you wanna talk about it some more.
Pure Radio Rental
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Off course, of course.
Posts: 952
I am lucky to have a very supporting, loving wife, who never questions or complains about my drinking. However, in the past 2 years, when I've decided to stop drinking, (for fear that it can take over-- long chain of alcoholism in my family), the first few days I am a misery to be around. I nitpick at everything, and my mood is generally lousy. I don't know how or why she puts up with it.
I do not get sloppy drunk or nasty when drinking - quite the contrary.. but I know deep down if I don't pay attention, I could end up in a world of crap, alone.
I come here to learn and I find so much inspiration and depth of feeling. I don't think I am at the point where I want to completely cut out drinking, but I think I am at the point where I need to closely monitor my intake, and walk away from it when I feel the time is right. But the way I get when I do walk away is an issue of concern, and it certainly is not fair to my better half. I've been doing alot of thinking...
All the best to everyone here!
I do not get sloppy drunk or nasty when drinking - quite the contrary.. but I know deep down if I don't pay attention, I could end up in a world of crap, alone.
I come here to learn and I find so much inspiration and depth of feeling. I don't think I am at the point where I want to completely cut out drinking, but I think I am at the point where I need to closely monitor my intake, and walk away from it when I feel the time is right. But the way I get when I do walk away is an issue of concern, and it certainly is not fair to my better half. I've been doing alot of thinking...
All the best to everyone here!
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Jules,
Congrats on 2 weeks!
Now, it has only been two weeks and depending on your situation, he is going through his own stuff around your getting sober as well. Is this your first attempt? If not, maybe he is afraid of hoping, kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop? Just focus on you and your recovery. I have been sober 9 months and my husband and I are still getting to know each other again and he is learning to live with sober me and trust that I am going to stay sober.
One day at a time :ghug
Congrats on 2 weeks!
Now, it has only been two weeks and depending on your situation, he is going through his own stuff around your getting sober as well. Is this your first attempt? If not, maybe he is afraid of hoping, kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop? Just focus on you and your recovery. I have been sober 9 months and my husband and I are still getting to know each other again and he is learning to live with sober me and trust that I am going to stay sober.
One day at a time :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: nj
Posts: 541
I'll repost Carol's big book quote.
*~*~*~*~*^ Big Book Quote ^*~*~*~*~*
"The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic
commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He
clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until
his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very
hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job wife or no wife we
simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other
people ahead of dependence on God."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
Working With Others, pg. 98~
Remember. Your're recovery is #1. Don't forget that.
Get yourself ' right with your HP' and the rest will fall in line.
NOTE: That does NOT mean you'll get the job, the car, or the husband. It means you will be ok with YOU.
*~*~*~*~*^ Big Book Quote ^*~*~*~*~*
"The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic
commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He
clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until
his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very
hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job wife or no wife we
simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other
people ahead of dependence on God."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
Working With Others, pg. 98~
Remember. Your're recovery is #1. Don't forget that.
Get yourself ' right with your HP' and the rest will fall in line.
NOTE: That does NOT mean you'll get the job, the car, or the husband. It means you will be ok with YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Hi Jules,
I have been married 31 years. I have now been sober just over 6 months although I only drank heavily for the last 5 years of my drinking career. Our spouses are going through alot also but we have so much sorting out to do. I am really just focused on keeping myself sober and moving on to a sober life. I don't know if my husband was a reason for drinking ( we shouldn't blame but he has drank his whole life ). I have heard people say not to get in a relationship for a year and I was told not to make any major changes the first year so that is my plan. Just for the record it is getting better. Good luck and try to focus on yourself first.
I have been married 31 years. I have now been sober just over 6 months although I only drank heavily for the last 5 years of my drinking career. Our spouses are going through alot also but we have so much sorting out to do. I am really just focused on keeping myself sober and moving on to a sober life. I don't know if my husband was a reason for drinking ( we shouldn't blame but he has drank his whole life ). I have heard people say not to get in a relationship for a year and I was told not to make any major changes the first year so that is my plan. Just for the record it is getting better. Good luck and try to focus on yourself first.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Yeah...marriage is hard enough without one or the other of the partners doing something life changing like quitting drinking! I am just kidding, of course.
I've been sober 7 months. My husband, 2 weeks. The last week has been hellacious at best. Funny, he said I was bitchy in early sobriety, but he sure doesn't think the same thing about himself!
I do believe it is temporary. Really, we are redefining so many things about ourselves, that marriages are going to change, too. I'm preferring to believe they will change for the better.
I am just kidding, of course.I've been sober 7 months. My husband, 2 weeks. The last week has been hellacious at best. Funny, he said I was bitchy in early sobriety, but he sure doesn't think the same thing about himself!
I do believe it is temporary. Really, we are redefining so many things about ourselves, that marriages are going to change, too. I'm preferring to believe they will change for the better.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm..
I wonder if this has info that might help?
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
I was not married when I was an active alcoholic
and have remained single since recovery...
Sooo...I've no personal experience to share.
Well done Jules on your sober time...
I wonder if this has info that might help?
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
I was not married when I was an active alcoholic
and have remained single since recovery...
Sooo...I've no personal experience to share.
Well done Jules on your sober time...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
Hi Jules, I'm on day 23 of abstinence and still have to keep a close watch on irritability. From what I understand about how the brain works, people withdrawing from any kind of drug have to deal with a certain amount of irritability and mental unpleasantness while the brain learns how to feel good again on its own, naturally and without chemicals. (I personally think that people who give up smoking are the most difficult to be around!) The advice people have given me is to be patient with myself while my brain re-adjusts and to not lay more stress on myself. Maybe your husband is trying to give you some space while you go through the sobriety process so as to not add more pressure to you? I hope everything works out.
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