j0hn0than1964

Why Why Why

I recently lied about where I was going. I lied for the obvious reason I was going to the area near me which is a collection of bars, this is the same location I used to spend all my time away from my family and loved ones. I know my NON-A SO is concerned about me spending time there and for many good reasons. I did go to a few old watering holes and hang out for about 2 hours in the late afternoon. I did not drink as I still do not have a desire to do so ( I do also not that if I hang around the barber shop long enough I will get a my hair cut) although I did choose to lie about it. Of course when I got home I was called on my BS and I did admit to my dishonesty. This was the first time I was dishonest about anything since I have been to treatment which has been about 90 days. I have discusses this further with my SO, she of course it rightfully upset about the violation of trust that has been so hard to gain since my using days as I lied about just every day. I really did not want to drink I just wanted to be somewhere besides home, a meeting, or a small group talking about my recovery. I would have been just as happy going to the local coffee shop with my laptop and blogging away somewhere I think. I am still new to recovery so not sure if this is normal or not. I have been back to meeting since and have a small group meeting tonight where I will share this also.

It was very hurtful to see and feel her pain (again new things feelings). I do not bare any animosity towards her in this at all, she is completely warranted the "A" part of me wants to scream "well at least I did not drink" but what the heck is that? just more "A" like talk that does not mean a thing.

JT

Astro

Ouch. But I can relate to this so much, my ex heard lie upon lie. My drinking was like a house of cards, but built with lies and manipulation. One day I added yet one more lie and the whole thing toppled over.

I'm glad to hear you're going to meetings and taking care of yourself. Above all I continue to work on my recovery, it keeps me sane and honest.

I found that if I were ever to regain the trust of anyone, I had to be rigorously honest in everything, and to be truthful to myself as well as others. After almost 4 years of sobriety I've mended almost everything, although that woman I was married to for 11 years still doesn't trust me completely. Can't say I blame her, it takes a long time for the deep wounds and betrayals to heal. Progress, not perfection, and practicing the 12 Steps certainly helps.

TryingSoHard

Well there ya go. Now you're armed with this knowledge and option for next time. There are LOTS of places you can go just to chill out that are NOT bars. I think hanging out at bars, especially ones you used to frequent, is asking for trouble.

Yes, that's more of the A-talk. It wouldn't do EITHER of you any good for you to say something like that.

At this point, actions - not words- will gain her trust back, and that will take time. I'm glad you didn't drink, but hopefully you've learned from this experience that there's more to it than that.

I wish you both well.

flutter

I don't go to meetings, and I don't sit in groups talking about my recovery. I also don't like much time at home, so I go to the gym, the mall, a bookstore, a walk around the neighborhood, I only went to bars for one reason (even tho while I went I truly believed it wasn't just the drinking hahahahahaha). I don't go to bars anymore, I have no use for them. There's so much else to do, and I'm too darn busy to bother with it!

I can't believe how my marriage (that I thought was perfectly fine haha again) has changed since I have started living every breath of my life with intention and honesty. It's the biggest anxiety reliever in the world! ahhhhhhhh

sugErspun

Thanks for sharing j0hn0than (what's up with the l33t anyhow?).

I don't believe that hanging out at the barber shop will end up in a haircut either and I don't believe that for an alcoholic to be around a bar means a drink...but like you have identified, the lying, dishonesty that came along with it should be of some concern. Sober 90 days (out of treatment - so I am guessing somewhere around 60 days back 'in the real world'.) If you have good reason to be there - stealing of vicarious pleasure not being one of them (escape from this world of 'recovery'!).

Afterall - the insanity of alcoholism returns and then we drink. I have been told that if I want to know how my recovery is going - take a look at my actions. Also, I will drink when I have no desire to do so...the mental twist is not identified before that drink is taken.

You signature line says it well - demonstrate these things in your home. I think your SO will understand (it has been my experience that I am not dutifully bound to anyone because of my alcoholism - they don't 'own' me, if that makes sense).

Good thread.



coming clean as quickly as you could was the best thing you could have done.

chango

I think this is what you should have done instead. If you want to fix this situation, investigate the reasons you didn't do this to begin with.