TryingSoHard

Over the course of the last year to year and a half, I dropped several really good habits that I used to have. I lost interest in hobbies and potential careers. I became unmotivated and uninterested in several aspects of my life.

Now that I've been sober for 3 1/2 months, I SEE all of this and I MISS a lot of things about my old self, but I'm not doing a very good job of getting back to where I was. An example:

In February 2007 I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer, and got serious about losing weight and getting into shape. I lost 31 pounds in 6 months, and another 9 pounds over the next 3 or 4 months (July - August 2007 is when I truly started to fall apart). I was going to the gym 3 - 5 times a week, I changed my eating habits and patterns, I was being more healthy overall (except for the alcohol), and for the first time in a LONG time I was starting to feel good about myself. Well, since I quit drinking, I've gained almost 10 pounds back. I haven't been to the gym consistently since about September and I haven't been AT ALL since mid-November. I'm no longer working with my trainer. I've undone ALL of my good eating habits; I'm not even drinking water any more.

This is a perfect example of a situation in which I KNOW what I need to do, but I am not DOING it. Every day I tell myself I'm going to start drinking more water again, start measuring my food portions again, start going to the gym again... and every day I don't do it. And every night I lay in bed feeling horrible about myself.

I don't know how to get out of this rut.

Mark75

Hey TSH !

I know what your saying. Alot of the fitness stuff I have done for years been put on the back burner. I went skiing this AM and really felt it.

I am trying to not be too hard on myself, I haven't had 17 weeks of sobriety for 39 years. It's taking a lot of psychic and emotional energy. I will be getting back into it again. I know I should, love those endorphins...

You are kind of beating yourself up today, aren't you... Take it Easy !!

Mark

TryingSoHard

Told ya.

:ghug2

michigangirl

That's what I was thinking...

Right now you are doing the best thing you can do for yourself. This is more important than a couple pounds. Don't put to much pressure on yourself.

BackToSquareOne

That's interesting TryingSoHard, "Knowing what we need to do but not doing it". This is a condition that plagues all of us and no one drunk or sober is immune from that condition. Procrastination, complacency it takes on many names but it all boils down to the same thing. Blowing things off, putting off until tomorrow what we know we should do today, I doubt that we'll ever find a cure for this as it's just too easy.

It's interesting that you bring this up though, I'm now sober since August and I've slipped into sort of a state of complacency, kind of a comfort zone. I also find myself blowing things off, procrastination is my middle name now. In a sense I think that if were comfortable where we are at it gets hard to do things that violate our comfort zone.

That old Nike commercial that says "Just Do It" seems to be the only cure for this affliction although that's easier said then done. Just don't be so hard on yourself though and remember that were all works in progress. Your still in early recovery and you should be very proud of the progress you've made so far. Just remember that your not alone, we all seem to know what we need to do but it is a constant struggle to actually follow through and do all those things.

least

Maybe ease back into your old healthy routines... but for heaven's sake - stop beating up on yourself!:ghug3

CAPTAINZING2000

Have you got a friend that, will work out with you.
My best friend God rest his soul used to push me all the time years agao. We'd run several miles a day.
I have to get someone to motivate me a lot. Sometimes, I get on a kick and I'll be self motivated other times, I'll procrastinate

Happens to a lot of us in sobriety

TryingSoHard

No, Captain, unfortunately I don't. My trainer was my main motivation - it really helped to be accountable to someone, and to have someone pushing me to keep going when I would have quit long ago. And for a long time, it worked.

Other examples of things I've let slide:

* I used to have dinner planned out AT LEAST a day in advance, but it was not uncommon for me to plan 2 - 3 days worth of meals at a time. I always WANTED to get proactive enough to plan a week at a time but never quite got there. Now it's not uncommon for it to be 5:00 and I haven't even THOUGHT of what to do about dinner. I'm a good cook, and I love to cook. So what the heck?

* I am very much into photography, and I'm good at it. 2 years ago I registered my own website domain with the intention of putting up a website and attempting to turn my very passionate hobby into some income (at the urging of several people). I wound up taking a part time job with a camera/photography company and putting my personal plans on hold. My "job" is now about 2 hours a week and my hobby has all but vanished because I have no motivation anymore. My domain name is now expired, too.

I could go on with examples about gardening, scrapbooking, keeping our finances in order (I am an EXTREMELY anal-retentive accountant), keeping paperwork filed, and on and on.

I've just let so many things slide, and now even when I feel MOTIVATED to do something about any one of them I am very quickly overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of it all. Which leads me to say screw it and not do anything.

Bah.

TryingSoHard

I'm sitting here talking to my son (he's almost 6), thinking about things, intermittently reading and posting here... and it occurs to me that I'm really sad about a lot of different things and I just want a friend.

CAPTAINZING2000

Do you have any friends that don't drink you can share this with?

TryingSoHard

No.

Mark75

TSH -

Everything you are saying applies to me, the motivation, etc.. I've read and been told that depression is not uncommon in early sobriety. Sometimes I wonder if that doesn't apply to me.

Mark

KenL

Hello,
Hmm. Sounds like depression. There are ways to deal with that.

TryingSoHard

Well I know I'm depressed. I've battled with depression since 1999/2000, long before I ever even dreamed of having a drinking problem. I've been on and off antidepressants during that time. Currently I've been OFF any medication for depression for about 3 years or so because I quit seeing my shrink after the following conversation:

Her: So are you seeing anyone, someone who can help you with all this anxiety and depression?

Me: Um... yeah... you.

Her: Oh, no. I'm just here to write your prescriptions.

*blink*

Uh, sorry... I thought a PSYCHIATRIST was there to counsel as well as prescribe. I haven't looked for anyone to replace her. I was pretty discouraged after that - she was my second try at a therapist, first try also failed miserably.

KenL

When I read what you wrote about what the doctor said I laughed. Not because of your dilemma but because of the piercing honesty and alienating nature of the doctor. It was like something out of a movie.

Seriously though, my son and daughter both went to a psychiatrist for meds to help them deal with depression and anxiety. It was always understood that he was only going to monitor the physical and mental state of my kids. Based on my observations of how my kids reacted to a change in meds he would alter them or keep them going as is. He would listen to me but he never made suggestions about anything. Perhaps you thought you were being counseled when in fact your doctor was just being congenial by listening to you. Did you ever feel like you were getting anything out of your discussions with her?

My kids also saw a psychologist in addition to the doctor I just mentioned. His responsibility was to counsel and help them work out their problems. They went to this guy regularly (every week or two) whereas they only saw the psychiatrist every 6 to 8 weeks.

So I don't think, based on my experience, that the encounter with your doctor was not ordinary. None the less it was shocking for you and had a negative outcome.

My sister is an alcoholic too. Like you, she also ran into depression some time after she quit drinking. She took meds for that. When one didn't work right for her then she asked her doctor to switch to something else. She seems to be doing quite well now. She has been sober for about 13 or 14 years.

So keep your chin up and for the sake of yourself and your son, don't give up. Take care of your depression. Everything's gonna be fine. Just give it time.

serenityqueen

(((TryingSoHard))) I think you are trying too hard!

You are still in the early stages of Recovery, when emotions are going crazy and you are doing what every single one of us are doing, trying to find out who we are!

Sweetie, why don't you just be proud of yourself for the one thing you aren't doing anymore which is THE most important thing ever . . . you're not drinking!

I have a history of depression too. I was off and on of anti depressants for years but it seemed that the drinking and drugging took presedence over everything else. As much as I hate to say it, the Psychiatrist was right., unfortunately, they pretty much just write the scripts. A Psychologist or Counselor is the person who we discuss what's going on with, who we dump the garbage on. Have you been to anyone like this? I don't know if you have insurance or not, but I know from experience that there are a lot of great places you can go that don't cost anything or if they do, very minimal charges.

Are you working any kind of program of Recovery? Just taking the alcohol and or drugs out of our systems is just the beginning of the process of Recovery. Once we take away what we used to numb our feelings, those feelings come back stronger than ever. I also went to AA/NA Meetings at least once a day the first year or so of my Recovery. I worked the Steps which are miracles in themselves, but I also found a great amt of support from people who seemed to be describing MY thoughts and feelings. It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one having all of these feelings.

Keep it Simple! Write out a list of the things you want to work on and pick one and work on that. Don't overwhelm yourself! (Like I imagine this reply is overwhelming you! lol) Be easy on yourself! You have done something truly incredible each and every day for the past 3 1/2 months . . . you haven't drank!

God Bless,
Judy

TryingSoHard

No, as a matter of fact, I did not. I often felt like she was just waiting for me to shut up and leave. I suppose that my situation was supposed to be like you described - she was there to monitor and manage medication only - but she should have TOLD ME THAT on my first visit. She let me spend 9 months believing that I was there to be counseled by her, albeit every 6 weeks instead of every week or two, and then she made that comment about how she was only there to write the scripts. It just caught me extremely off guard, and I felt like I had just wasted 9 months.

Before I saw this psychiatrist, I saw a psychologist. She was in fact there to counsel me, but what wound up happening was she tended to spend my 50 minutes griping about what happened in traffic that morning when she dropped her kids off at school, or something that the neighbors did that struck a nerve with her. It was like MY hour was HER vent time. Um, no. AND I had to go see a GP to get my prescriptions, so I was seeing two doctors and getting NO actual TREATMENT. Yes, the Zoloft helped, but I needed SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I needed someone to TEACH me how to cope and deal with anxiety, and I never got it.

Therefore I still need it, but now I'm jaded about the profession and feel like any effort to find a new doctor will just be wasted.

TryingSoHard

LOL - there's a shocker!

I totally believe you and am not trying to argue, but I have a couple of questions. She had signs up all over her office - in the lobby, on the door to her office, in her office - that said to please be patient and understanding if your appointment started late or got cut into because sometimes emergencies arise and she would need to deal with those situations. I always took that to mean psychiatric emergencies - i.e., people who need help NOW. Not people who need an Rx now. That's what secretaries and assistants are for. So that always left me with the impression that she was at least counseling SOMEONE. Combine that with the fact that she never told me that she was only there to manage my meds and hopefully you'll see why I was confused.

I know that psychologists and counselors are the ones who do most of the true emotional counseling, but don't psychiatrists do that at all? The reason I picked her was because her specialties were in line with what I needed (depression and anxiety, dealing with family issues) and I knew that as a psychiatrist she could write prescriptions. I was hoping to cut out the middleman, ya know? Why see two docs when there was one who could do everything?

Like I said to Ken, my experience with a psychologist wasn't any better. She was a flake.

So now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to find a therapist that I will like and who will do what I expect a therapist to do. Neither one of the ones I went to in the past did ANY kind of initial consultation or evaluation... it was just walk in, sit down, start talking. Oh yeah, but first write me a check.

I do have insurance, but of course there is a copay (still a lot cheaper than having to pay the full hourly rate). I believe I'm limited to either 20 or 26 behavioral health visits a year, not that I've ever used that many.

Thank you so much. I am usually a "list" person but like so many other things in my life, that has kind of fallen by the wayside as well.

serenityqueen

Anxiety is one of the hardest emotions that I have had to learn to handle without drugs and alcohol. But it can be done.

I had a counselor in the outpatient Clinic that I still go to and she used to try to use "my time" as "her time." I would walk out of there pretty pissed at times, wondering who was the client and who was the counselor. I finally had to ask to be switched to a different counselor. I realized after this was over with, that I had finally began to speak up for myself in a positive and productive way, rather than going off on this woman and telling her I had enough problems of my own.

Hang in there!
Judy

Latte

I pick one thing a week or so that I want to change about myself and I work on that one thing that week (on top of the previous weeks things). It's progress, not perfection. I'm learning how to be firm but gentle with myself. It's not easy but it is worth it.