Cherryxxx

[FONT="Impact"][FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]Hi

Please excuse the essay sized post an that it is muddled up ;-) I just typed as things came into my head.

Im a 25 yr old female from the UK (where practically everyone binge drinks) who was sober for 8 and a half months after 10 years of problem drinking. Since I started drinking I havent been able to control it and dont stop once I start. I have always had low self esteem and am very shy, which is why I started using alcohol. I have a history of binge drinking...going out and drinking until I pass out....but after many problems caused by alcohol I managed to stay sober up until new years eve this year....(it hurts to say that I only made it up to then......I feel a bit like "what have i got to hold onto now that ive thrown that away?" I feel like im starting all over again and its devastating, which i am worried will make me want to drink). How do you move on past this without relapsing? Is what has happened to me a "relapse"?

Anyway, on new years eve I ended up having 3 pints of magners, but didnt really enjoy the feeling of being too tipsy so stopped after the 3rd...I spread them out from 9pm to 3am, when normally I would be knocking them back one after the other, loving the feeling of getting more and more drunk. That was about 2-3 weeks ago and last night I went out down town with my friend. I had a few sips, probably 1/4 of a glass of a cocktail and not even a 1/4 of an alcopop later on in the night. Even though it was a very small amount of alcohol, I did feel some effects and started to feel a bit strange, like uncomfortable mentally and anxious, and not relaxed like alcohol should make you feel. I think I felt better and more relaxed before I started too drink. What could this mean? Can alcohol initially make you feel more anxiety, which makes you drink more to feel better? I have memories of feeling like this in the past? Weird.

I think I just dont like the feeling of my head being foggy and being unable to think clearly, after all these months of having a clear head. It didnt feel too enjoyable and I definately didnt have an urge to get drunk and I didnt even carry on drinking and gave my drinks away to my friend. Could it be that Im so used to going out and not drinking alcohol now that I just dont associate the two and I dont need it to be able to go out now?

The reason I ended up drinking new years eve was because for the few weeks leading up to it I had been feeling very flat and down and empty and I started trying herbal products to try make me feel better becuse I knew I was going to be in social situations over new years and I am very shy (kava kava and passionflower, valerian, hops, gentian etc). I think the effect they had on me made me less concerned about staying sober and I just allowed myself to be talked into drinking. I thought: "I feel this low now while Im sober, so why not just drink, feel a bit happier, and then feel depressed again in the morning like I feel anyway?"

I have considered trying to drink moderately after last night, but Im not sure, as i didnt really enjoy the effects last night. Have there been cases of people who have had a period of being sober and then have been able to drink moderately. I probably wouldnt as I would be too afraid incase I was kidding myself and I ended up slipping again. I think I would rather stay sober, but I just feel so empty, its strange.

Does anybody know the stages your brain goes through whilst in recovery? For instance, I have been through many many different emotions throughout the 8 1/2 months, such as depression, feeling extremely happy, anxious, excited, fearful etc. I felt like before new years eve that I was getting nowhere, and I needed something to feel good.

I am constantly working on myself and my thinking, and could it be possible that something inside has changed which has made my attitude towards alcohol different? It feels like something has "clicked" and I dont feel the same urge to just go out and get out of my face like the way I used to. I wasnt even fussed about having another drink last night...which is DEFINITELY not like the old me. I think I have gotten into the routine of going out and drinking water that it has stuck and alcohol is no longer a part of that routine? I dont feel like I fit in with the drinking scene, e.g. nightclubs, pubs etc, I look around and think how dull it is and want to be back at home doing something else. I realise that getting drunk in a bar is not going to make me feel any happier than I am now.

But I have heard about denial and that your brain tries to trick you and I am worried that this could be what this is? Or if i have genuinely changed? I feel as thought I have! Could it be that this is my brain trying to slowly trick me into getting back to the way I used to be, by gradually making me drink more and more??? I have done that in the past, quit then drunk moderately, then ended up back where I was before. But this time, I genuinely feel a change, but if i am doubting it, i think that is enough for me to decide that i should just stay sober just incase it is my brain trickng me? I dont know, its confusing. I say i dont need it to go out, but am i contradicting myself, because if i dont need it to enjoy myself and feel relaxed and comfortable when im out, then what reason would i need to start drinking moderately? I feel like ive just gven myself an answer. Haha Its strange how after i drank on new years eve that i told myself that this was a one off and i will carry on being sober after that one night......but a couple of weeks later, i ended up drinking again (last night)....although only a tiny amount, i still drank. I think this is proof that I am heading (although slowly) back down the path of being a drinker again. Is this true or am i being dramatic?? I think the thought of drinking has been in my head more since new years eve, which means i want to drink again? Am i trying to prove to myself that i can drink sensibly but then it will gradually get worse? Actually, when i look back, this has happened in the past. Is the part of my brain that wants to drink twisting every so that i am seeing that it is ok to drink now? Am i starting out fine, like I am now, and then going to end up like I used to be?

I feel like i just want to be able to go out with friends, have a couple of glasses of wine and relax. Not go out with the sole intention to get as drunk as I can. Could I have just "grown up", grown out if it, like Im sure a lot of young people do?? But the thing that worries me is that I still have all the isses of low self esteem etc (even though Im working on them), which triggered my problem drinking in the first place, so it is just a matter of time before i end up drunk? Just before I started drinking again i remember now that I started to feel quite negative and thought things like I hate myself. Ive never been happy with who I am. I have tried so hard to change that, but i dont know how to. I dont know? Am i still in the early stages of sobriety at 8 months for improving mentally and emotionally? Should i be easier on myself or should i e quite far on in my recovery at 8 months? Should i be feeling better about myself at this stage? (actually, can i even count it as 8 months now, or is it half a day) :'-(

I feel down because my aim was to get to a year of sobriety, and i didnt do this :-( I genuinely thought I would make it!!!! And i feel so dissapointed with myself.....Its like i dont feel "clean" anymore and cos ive already touched alcohol twice now, why not do it again?? Ive already failed the sobriety for a year thing. I beat myself up about things enough as it is, without feeling a failure over this too, so how can i move on and get past it without slipping back?

I would like to ask if anybody knows about what happens biologically in your brain while you stay sober (during recovery), so when i am going through stages of feeling empty, very low etc, that i lnow if it is part of my brain recovering and i can look forward instead of feeling like i am in a rut and I dont know how to move on. Do you have to go through certain stages before you feel happier in sobriety? What are these?

Have i undone all the very hard work i have been doing since i quit? It has been very hard to stay on track and ignore the feelings of wanting to drink....but now i have finally given in and drunk, i feel a bit deflated, a bit like everything ive been working towards was for nothing, that ive messed it all up, and that ive put myself back and am not on the same path i was before. I cant handle telling myself that i am now sober from 18.01.09, and not 12.04.08...its like ive chucked away all of that hard hard work i have done and reversed the recovery done in my brain.

Is this scientifically true or not? Does drinking again reverse all of the recovery already done in your brain? If i am sober for 8 months, and my brain has been recovering (i know it has because i notice things that are different now to when i was drinking e.g. i can read quicker)......and i have now drunk alcohol again, has it reversed all of the good things that have happened to my brain?? Has it all justgone back to how it was when i was drinking? Can i still count the 8 1/2 months sobriety and see these two occasions of drinking very small amounts of alcohol as little slips and move on and carry on or have i been put back and i have to go through some of the horrible stages i went through when i first got sober? I practically had a mental breakdown on 12.04.08 after yet another night of heavy drinking at university, and ended up walking into the hospital and telling them i was going mad and i didnt know what was going on...which forced me to quit
...to imagine being back there is devastating!!!!!! i have come SO far!!! can this slip make me go back to that place or do i still have the sobriety and recovery i have earned and I can carry on just like i did before new years eve? How can i get back the strong determination i have had before this relapse? Would it be classed as a relapse? I just feel stuck, like i dont know if i want to try drinking moderately or if i wana go bak to the thought if being sober, but then i know the reality of how it feels to be sober and feeling low.

I think my brains trying to trick me into drinking again. i think i should get back on track to being sober agan and overcome this. learn from it. I am worried that everytime i feel negative and down, i will think of the fact i failed at making it to a year of sobriety and start beating myself up and then spiral down and end up drinking properly again. Has anyone had similar experiences??? Any advice is very much appreciated. I dont know how to move on from here?!

Writing this has just helped me realised that its most likely that it is my brain trying to rationalise that alcohol is ok. I feel in a place right now that i didnt think i could be in again.....I kind of cant believe i have drunk again and have been taking some stuff the past few weeks to try and block it out and make myself feel better about it....i am worried i will start using alcohol too.

Please excuse the rambling and if some of it doesnt make sense and if i repeated myself, its because I just typed out what was in my head at the time haha

I hope to hear back from some people who have experienced this or anyone that can help remind me why im doing this and why i am on this website in he first place

Very confused at the minute and i want to be able to think clearly and get back on track to being sober or have somebody tell me that it is ok to drink moderately...whatever advice you can give

Thanks

Cherryxxx

WOW, that was a loooooooooong message......

tommyk

...have somebody tell me that it is ok to drink moderately...

Sorry.... only your 'disease' will try and tell you that.

(But deep down I think you already know you cannot drink moderately?)

Keep coming back.

Cherryxxx

Thanks for your reply...i just looked at my post and realised it was a LOT to read and a lot of repetition. hehe ;-) Got it off my chest though.

I think that could be true when you say "but deep down i think you know you cannot drink moderately". I say i didnt want to get drunk last night and new years eve, but i always get memories in my head of the nice feelings i get when Im drunk, which makes me want to.

flutter

This came up on another thread, and I'm not going to beat a dead horse on the topic, but in MY sober world, any purposeful drink of alcohol sets me at day one. My committment is to be sober... if I drank alcohol, I break my self committment.

That doesn't erase your hard work.. and it depends on what you believe really. Some information suggests that yes, another drink starts up the disease process right where it left off. I don't know.. I don't tempt it.

You know how to do this, you can do it again and for much longer this time!!!

December15

This is a long message, but I can summarise my advice in four words - never drink booze again.

coffeenut

You can come up with any excuse you need to drink. Bottom line for me, one drink is too many.

Welcome to SR. Please stick around. Lots of good stuff here.

theaocp

Agree 110% with coffeenut. I just have to tell myself that i cannot handle alcohol. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I have no control over it, whether i like it or not. There are very few black-and-white issues in this world, but this is one of them for me. Keep a clear mind. Cheers.

CarolD

Hi again...
I don't think your brain is damaged by the small ammount of
alcohol you recently drank. Here is an interesting link

How We Get Addicted - TIME

As to why you felt "flat" before you returned to drinking
it could have been PAWs

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

When I quit...I found I required more than just sobriety.
I had to make drastic changes in my lifestyle and goals.

I found new non drinking friends in AA meetings.
We did all sorts of interesting things without alcohol.

I learned how to grow into the woman I desired to be
by using the Steps in AA. It's an awesome adventure!

least

I tried many times to moderate my drinking. I couldn't do it. If I was controlling my drinking I didn't enjoy it and if I was enjoying it I wasn't controlling it. MOstly when I 'moderated' my drinking I ended up drunk. For me it's all or nothing - I cannot just drink socially, I'm an alcoholic.

tommyk

I like that. Concise, simple, and very true.

Tommyh

Cherry,your post reminds me of something that happened to me.There came a time when alcohol
just did not work for me.I seemed to not be happy drinking or not drinking.I was miserable.I kept thinking of all the good times I had drinking,and then I drank again and was miserable.Finally I had to see the bad times I had while drinking,and that helped me stay sober.It helped me see the reality of my booze drinking.
But inside my head and body,something had happened.I had seen it happed to a few of my old friends over the years.I didn`t know what was happening to them,but it was clear something was.
For me I was at the jumping off place.I could not drink successfully or could not- not drink.

doorknob

Carol, that was a really good article. Thank you so much for posting that!

Cherry, before I quit this last time, I had it down to where I was only drinking 2-3 drinks a day, and often spacing them out, but it still interfered with my body's equilibrium and my anxiety was worse than it is now.

ralph9898

As to this question: "Does drinking again reverse all of the recovery already done in your brain? If i am sober for 8 months, and my brain has been recovering (i know it has because i notice things that are different now to when i was drinking e.g. i can read quicker)......and i have now drunk alcohol again, has it reversed all of the good things that have happened to my brain?? Has it all justgone back to how it was when i was drinking?"

I don't think that your recent small amount of drinking could have reversed the clinical healing of your brain that has taken place in your last 8 months of sobriety. I think changes to the brain chemistry/neurotransmitters occur over long periods of time, and 8 months of brain healing cannot be reversed that quickly. Likewise, 8 months of drinking can't be fixed with 2 weeks of sobriety. That being said, one extreme binge drinking episode can cause serious brain damage, and one drinking episode probably affects the psychological aspect of recovery (like craving alcohol, missing the taste, missing the buzz, etc.). So don't risk it!

jada311

that point of not being happy drinking or not drinking is mentioned in the book of alcoholics anonymous in a vision for you and dubbed the jumping off point Pge 152. it proceeds to talk about knowing lonliness as few do and continues on to talk about the program as a way out. Not just going to meetings but working with a sponsor and learning how to live sober. In my opinion you r relapse started before you drank probably when you started looking at outside herbal substances to ease your shyness. I tried that once and when it didnt work i went back to what was reliable just like you did. Its a horrible place when the thing that did work for us no longer does. do you drink moderately? absolutely, if you can of course. But if you are an alcoholic of the hopless variety control will be lost eventually. Maybe you are not a real alcoholic who knows. the book tells us to try some controlled drinking on more than one ocassion and we will find out for ourselves soon enough. I' ve tried more than once and am positive one hundred percent that the seat i fill at the meetings is there just for me. at some point drinking will hurt badd enough that something will need to be done about it, and you are fortunate to know where that help you need is. If you are lucky enough to make it back, because i would be lying if i told you everybody does. The point i am trying to make, and it may sound cold is Drink until it hurts, and if it already does go back to aa. hold your head high , walk into those rooms and ask for help. get involved and stay involved. And for gods sake stop carrying the guilt of drinking this is your journey darlin you are finding your truth just like every other recovering alcoholic out there.

bugsworth

Cherry...hope you are doing well...please check in and let us know how you are doing.

Moderation never worked for me.....even after some significant time away from alcohol I always managed to get back to being blackout drunk.

bodychek

I think relapse is always a fear of sober alcoholics. I know that for me, being sober nearly 13 months, it is a constant fear. However, when I break it down to the principles of AA through which I have saved my life I have only today. I have only today to stay sober. It doesn't matter if you have strung together 1 day or 390 days or 25 years of sobriety, we all have only today. So what if some people just started before we did, they too only have today.

Many times, when the day and circumstances out of my control start riding me and the tornado in my head starts to spin, I think about drinking and the escape it gave me when it worked. I know it doesn't work anymore but I still think about the taste and feling I get from a cold Stella and a lowball of Jameson and I romance it like it is a lost lover. Knowing all well that I will not stop at 1 beer and 1 lowball...

It is those moments that I tell myself, "all I have to do is make it through today, if I still feel like this tomorrow I will drink then... but not today" Then I reach out to my support system. When tomorrow comes, if the feeling is still there I do it all over again "if I still feel like this tomorrow I will drink, just not today..." and before i know it, if I take some action for my recovery I get through it and the feelings to drink pass.

I have never felt more free, alive, or peaceful.

bugsworth

I am so grateful to not have a fear of relapsing. Once I was free of any physical addiction and the fog lifted I knew that I was in control. During my active days I always felt like I was drowning...today I realize I was in the shallow end the whole time...all I needed to do was simply stand up and walk away from the pool.

ReneeS

Cherry, I think the reason you didn't enjoy the alcohol New Year's eve or the other night is because your tolerance has gone way down after 8 months of abstinence--you now have the tolerance of a "normal" person. If you try to drink your "usual" amount, you'll feel ill and not enjoy the effects at all. At least, that's been my experience numerous times after even a month of abstinence.

I agree with others who've said that it's doubtful that two occasions of drinking has reversed all the healing that's taken place in the past 8 months. It sounds as though you're beating yourself up. Sometimes people get hung up on sobriety dates and time--if a person has several years of sobriety and one relapse, that person feels as though everything they attained is now lost and they have to start all over from the beginning. It's such a demoralizing way of thinking, that no wonder when people relapse, they wallow around in it for several days, weeks, months, years, etc.--thy figure, what the hell, I've blown it, I might as well blow it all the way. Instead of getting bogged down in this mindset, why not still cling to the 8 years sobriety you've had and take it from there.