chango

jeez, i really dont want to drink this early. it's only 10 o clock, but i feel this invisible magnetism drawing me towards it. i am so tired of resisting and so much in my life is so messed up. i feel like such a f*cking loser all the time. i have had the same ****** job for 8 years! I am only 29. It's so pathetic. I feel so bad about myself and my impulse is to drink. i want to just give up and abandon all hope. I know drinking or getting high wont make anything better, but it feels like if I abandon hope, i will be free from having to succeed. free from feeling like I can improve my lot in life. i feel like such a loser it hurts so bad inside. i am such a f*cking baby. 2 years sober and still struggling day in and day out. nothing in my life has improved. it's pathetic.

tommyk

I know drinking or getting high wont make anything better...

First and foremost, you know that.

Now... look elsewhere for answers. Drinking & drugs aren't the answer... what else might help?

zoomer

I think holding on to a job for 8 years is wonderful. I never could keep a job longer than a year when I was drinking. I'v now had the same job for over three years. It's not much of a job but it shows I'm responcible. I too had a lot of cravings in my 2nd and
3rd year. It does go away. I think the better you get the more the alcoholism wants to mess with you. The thing now is acceptance. I now accept that I can no longer drink like other people. I used all my drinking cards up meaning there will be no more fun times,only heart ache if I do drink. I'm in school to better myself and that takes up a lot of time thinking about drinking. I go to meetings to remind myself why I do not drink. Find something different to do that will take your mind off drinking even if it's reading a new book. The more busy I am, the less time I have to think about a drink.

VeritasAequitas

You've got two incredible feats right now.

1. You've got a job in this miserable economy.
2. You've got two YEARS sober - that's pretty amazing.

Drinking will just make you even more depressed...you'll beat yourself up about losing your sobriety and likely you won't have found it worth it.

Easier said than done, but try to see the positives in your life rather than the negatives.

ralph9898

I seriously doubt that nothing has improved in the last 2 years. If you choose to look at your life from a more realistic standpoint, I bet you will see that some things have improved over the last 2 years, and some things have not. I guarantee if you had been drinking for the last 2 years things would be WAY worse than they are now, so from that perspective you are doing better. You may want to try and find a good counselor or therapist to get off your chest what is bothering you. You are only a loser to the extent you truly believe you are a loser. You might not realize how powerful your thoughts are, whether they are positive or negative. Step one is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are many people out there that have it much worse than you, but that are happy. I recommend reading a book called "The Secret." It really hit home for me.

DaveR1988

Hang in there! One day at a time.

I find myself wanting "success" and to be "effective", seems that all God wants is for me to be useful and help others.

Do the next indicated thing and don't make it worse.

CarolD

How about making a Gratitude List?
Start with your 2 years of sucessful sobriety.

Keep in focus...

CarolD

DaveR.......
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum.

chango

you guys are right, of course. I will (probably) make it another day without using or drinking. I just feel like I have spun my wheels for so long. I feel like such a loser inside. It's killing me. It doesn't help that my grandmother passed away last week, and all the wonderful feeling stuff that that brings with it. Just hard to keep on trucking sometimes. Just need to find some relief somewhere. Don't know where.

KindBird

I am a new comer and only on my second day but knowing that you are reaching out during your second year feels amazing to me - that the process works if you reach out, work it each day and don't pick up a drink.

Thank you for your thread, chango. It is inspiring for me.
kindbird

Bamboozle

Hello, chango.

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. Is there someone you can talk to?

I hear ya on the job situation. I haven't been at my current job for the past 8 years, but I've been in food service jobs for quite a while. I hate it. There are no other options for me at this point, so I'm hanging in there. Hopefully something will come along...in the mean time, I'm trying not to focus on it.

I'm still early in my sobriety (again!) and keeping my fingers crossed. Hang in there...and if you need to, talk to a counsellor. I want to do that, but I don't have the money right now. When I get the cash (and assuming I still feel the way that I do), I'll talk to someone.

You said you need to find some relief. When I get like that, I log onto SR, or go for a walk, listen to some music, or get completely absorbed into a video game. Hope this helps.

chango

Thanks for the support you guys.

This life just seems so silly sometimes. How hard we work to improve ourselves and seek out success only to die some day like an animal, no one able to help you or ease your fear or keep you safe. I dont know. It feels so pointless to me. I am not sure why I am so attached to life when it means so very little. This feeling is what drives my self-destructive urge. It's been with me so long I am not sure what life feels like without it. Other people dying just brings it into focus. Wonder what good all the struggle amounts to.

Bard

I've felt just like that at times. Why try so hard at life if just in the long term we die and everything we gathered, wealth, homes, cars and what not will just be divided up and taken away by someone else. But material things don't mean much to me. They're nice but whats more important are the people in my life. Those who would look up to me and those who's days can be brightened up by me. I'm not only getting myself sober to enhance my life, but the lives of others as well. I mean more to the people who matter sober then I would being drunk. And no matter how tempting, I know that getting drunk is not the answer.

allport

Chango what is it you expect?

Your life is all you have and that is not depressing.

What you can do is try and and enjoy today for what it is.

I dont mean, go and help other people or view natural beauty.

Wake up this morning and try and decide what you want to do

Appart from getting high.

Try it, if you dont like it try something else.

Be good to yourself. x

ralph9898

You may want to look at some other forums regarding depression. This forum will give you support for not drinking, but it sounds like you need additional support beyond that. You may need a therapist, counselor, or psychologist to help you through your issues and find a better (and more accurate) way to look at life.

It sounds like you aren't fully convinced that life is silly or pointless, or you wouldn't have raised these questions here. You need to believe in a higher power to find the answers to your questions. Faith in a higher power will change your attitude if you let it. Finding spirituality is one of the steps in recovery.

I never had a grandmother. They both passed away before I was 3 years old. You should be grateful for the time you have had with her.

bongo

hey man, i've been at the same dead end job for over six years and i'm 26. but they're right, in this economy, even my dad doesn't have a job. how much does that stress ME out? i know what it's like to feel like a loser day in and day out. isn't there something inside you that says something big is supposed to happen to you one day? i truly believe that God has a big plan for all of us if we let Him show us what it is. and don't let me sound like i'm preaching, i'm just now coming to terms with it myself. but recently i told God i'd do whatever He wanted me to and so far there seems to be some strange doors opening in my otherwise stagnant life. it sounds like you know there's something worth fighting for. i'll pray for you and hopefully you do the same for me and we can both get some REAL jobs! you can do it

ufe

Man, I have three trades, and an honours degree and still don't have a job. Don't take it personally is what I've concluded. I volunteer to teach old people to use computers, and do bush regeneration. Doesn't pay the bills, but keeps my mind active, keeps me active, and makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

tomvlll

Chango- You don't say whether or not you are in AA.

If you are, this might might be the time to fall back to the tried and true method for staying sober.

Help another alcoholic. Among other things, this will get you out of your ' self' .

coffeenut

Sounds like you have a load on your plate, right now. Please be kind to yourself.

To get your act together and get sober when you were 27 is SO admirable to me.

Please stick around and keep posting. Lots of good people here.

Tazman53

Chango how are you staying sober?

Congrats on the 2 years, that is awesome!