TryingSoHard

Tonight my husband told me he's thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting. While I've heard fantastic things about it and I most certainly am not opposed to him going at all, I have to admit there's a part of me that is genuinely shocked, and even a little bit hurt/ashamed.

He never knew about my drinking problem until I told him in September. He knew *something* was up with me but he didn't know what. I honestly didn't think he had been affected by my drinking (because I hid it) or, if he had, it was MINIMAL. And since I only drank once after telling him about my problem, and we discussed it immediately, I really thought it was kind of a non-issue. I've been sober for more than 100 days now and he says that things have been a whole lot better and he's happy and proud of me.

So why does he need Al-Anon? I guess I'm partially confused, and partially humiliated. Part of what kept me drinking as long as I did was the thought that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. If he feels he needs Al-Anon, I OBVIOUSLY hurt someone other than myself. That's a hard pill to swallow.

Does anyone know how Al-Anon helps family members once the addict has stopped drinking? I know the problems don't automatically go away just because I'm not drinking anymore... I'm just trying to wrap my head around this one.

Thanks.

laurie6781

Trying, it is not about YOU. It is about HIM.

On my third AA Birthday, by then I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic, my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending AlAnon IMMEDIATELY.

What? Me? Why do I need AlAnon? Just go was the answer, you'll figure it out. lol OH and get an AlAnon sponsor too.

Well Sheesh. I was insulted and yes humiliated.

But..............................she was right. Not only was I an alcoholic, but I had some pretty 'heavy' co-dependent tendencies rearing their ugly head.

I would suspect, it has to do with him actually wanting to respect you and give you the space you need to work on YOU without him trying to get in there and 'fix' everything.

I understand how you feel, but you have a pretty good guy there. No reason to feel ashamed. Sounds to me, like he sees you improving yourself and wants to keep up.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Tommyh

well,my wife went to ala non,probably 1 1/2 yrs before I got sober.She started getting well.Your husband may want to do the same.Ala non helped our family a lot.My drinking made my wife sick.My whole family was sick.Our family got help as a family.I think it is a good thing.Support him as he supports you.
Going to Ala non may give him the feeling he is not alone,that he can get some support.He may be looking for answers to problems.

if you have made a 8th step amends list out,look at it and you will see who you hurt.I used to think the same thing,oh my drinking ain`t hurting no one.Well,it did.The names on my amends list proved it.I was blinded by my selfish ways and drinking.I did not care sometimes and sometimes I just did not see the hurt.
We paid a price for our seats in AA,but our family's paid a price for it too.Pulling together,the family can get better.

TryingSoHard

Well, he definitely has co-dependent tendencies. Before I ever confessed my problem to him, we'd occasionally have really bad nights due to my drinking (only he didn't know that's what it was) and he'd say the next day he didn't want me drinking anymore. So I'd say ok, you got it... and 3 days later he'd be saying, "That's not fair of me. I completely appreciate and respect you wanting to abide by my wishes, but I can't ask you to do that. So please, if you want to drink, drink." And then he'd make me a drink. Any time I was stressed, he'd bring me a drink. Any time I was visibly upset, he'd bring me a drink.

And yes, he's a "fixer". He just wants to make it all better.

He keeps telling me that this isn't about him, it's about me and getting me better. But tonight he seemed so incredibly sad and confused and ... helpless. I tried to explain to him that yes, the drinking is about me, but it's also about him because it's obviously affected him.

sigh

I guess I was sitting here thinking ok, I'm not drinking anymore, everything is fine. I guess it's not.

In a Tailspin

You not drinking anymore is the first step, without which no other healing can happen. So please don't downplay the fact that you are sober (and big congratulations to you for that!!)

I think it's great that your hubby wants to get help, and Laurie is right, it's about HIM (although he may not realize this now, he soon will). You say he didn't know about your drinking, but he obviously did if it was causing fights like you say in your last post.

We codies develp some strange and unhealthy coping mechanisms (which seem perfectly normal to us at the time!) to deal with our loved one's addiction. We lie for them, we rescue them, we try so hard to *fix* them that we blame *ourselves* when they continue to be broken. We lose all awareness of what is good and healthy for us and our entire life begins to revolve around our addict/alcoholic. Our mood depends on their mood or their current state of using or not using. In short, we are as unhealthy as you are, just in a different way.

If he doesn't get healthy, your recovery will be a million times harder than if he does. Be thankful that he wants to get well with you, so that your marriage and your sobriety have the best chance of being successful.

TryingSoHard

Thank you, Tailspin.

Tommyh

there is nothing wrong that cannot be fixed.He sounds like my wife at one time.She would fuss at me about my drinking and then take me to get more.We were both confused

TryingSoHard

Thanks, bball.

He wound up not going to the meeting last night. I checked the Al-Anon schedule in our area and there are surprisingly few meetings around here. The next one that he might realistically go to is Wednesday; we'll see. Last night he was telling me that he's really very skeptical about going because of the whole step-thing (he's even more opposed to the spiritual side of the steps than I am). I really tried to tell him not to let that be his deciding factor, that I think he should go and just listen a few times before he decides anything for sure, and that I think he will be pleasantly surprised at how he feels once he's there. I also told him to "take what you need and leave the rest". I'm not sure if any of it sunk in.

He doesn't really have any friends and he very often feels like he just plain has no one to talk to. I told him that was yet another reason why going to a meeting would be good for him because I'm highly confident that not only could he make friends there, they would be friends who could relate to what he's experiencing.

But just like he can't MAKE me go to AA - and I wouldn't want him to try - I can't force this on him, and I won't. I voiced my opinion and now it's up to him what to do. I just don't want him to not go because he's afraid I feel weird about it.

He's also apparently still harboring some hurt/anger/resentment about things I said and/or did in the past and he won't talk to me about it. He says that 95% of the time he's fine, but that other 5% of the time the memory of something that happened still gets to him and really bothers him and he doesn't have anyone he can talk to about it. What hurts me the most is that here's something he obviously can't forget, and I don't even remember what it was. How can I make up for it if I don't even know what I did or said and he won't tell me? He says dredging up the past won't help either one of us so he's trying to just let it go and get past it. I say that keeping it bottled inside, hoping that it will disappear on its own, is not dealing with it, and he won't ever truly heal that way.

sigh

I've made such a mess and I didn't even know it.

justanothrdrunk

Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone, and everyone needs to heal.

SelfSeeking

This timing is so odd, TSH, because I was recently visiting my fiance (we are long distance at the moment) and I left _desperately_ wishing that he would go to Al-Anon. He didn't "know" I am an alcoholic, in that he didn't know exactly how much I was drinking and my pattern of sneakiness, but my consequences were also his. Now that he's no longer helping/enabling me with my cr@p, I'm seeing that we had a "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" deal going on. He took care of things that I f!cked up, and I put up with some stuff I no longer want to. Or like, if he didn't say anything about my drinking, I wouldn't say anything about a mental health issue he has that he doesn't want to get care for.

I wanted to order him to Al-Anon! Then I realized that would be a very controlling thing to do. Typical alcoholic garbage. So it seems we're on the same page, TSH, knowing we can't boss our SO's around either way. So annoying!!!

Mark75

My wife has no interest in Al-Anon. She has a couple of people to talk to, I don't know how often. I wish she'd go to some meetings, maybe she'll get some insight that will help her, us... But, like you said, we can't make them go.

TSH - ya know, she's all over the map (as I am) on this recovery thing of mine. She says that she'd like to see more changes, but mostly, I think, she'd like me to get back to some of the positive behaviors and interests I had before the intervention - working out, music, skiing... But she will say that I'm much easier to be around and she doesn't worry so much about me. Like your husband, she seems troubled by some very negative things I did/said from when I was active, more troubled, even, than when I was active. Perhaps she is thinking about it more now...

Anyway, maybe your husband is thinking more about it now, rather than repressing his feelings and thoughts, now that you're recovering and working through it... could be a good sign !

Sorry about the Titans - hope you had fun anyway... My Eagles stayed in... could be fun in these parts if it ends up Pittsburgh v Philadelphia !

Mark

MagicMan08

I see alanon as a place for people to go who are or were with an alcoholic....and to let them know they are not alone.

I was nervous as hell going to my first AA meeting, now it is almost something I look forward too, especially when I have my license.