NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I've actually had this said to me last night! I'm hurt and upset by it.

I'm coming up on 2 years in AA sober. I work the program to the best of my ability, and I'm pretty happy doing it to. I"m not perfect, but I am a lot better of a person then I used to be.

This statement was made by my partner of 6 years...sober for 8.

Anyone else come across this?

Karen

LaDita

Oooh, I hate this one. I've heard of this said to alcoholics by partners/spouses/family members before. I've also had it said to me many times, but indirectly and only from casual friends because I was "no fun" anymore.

But I'm sure having it coming from a partner or spouse must be very hurtful.
My heart goes out to you.

Impurrfect

Ouch! Correct me, if I'm wrong, but doesn't she no longer work a program and kind of resent the fact that you do? Aren't you two planning on going your separate ways?

I just remember her questioning you on why you wanted to go to a meeting, several times. I'm thinking she's unhappy with HER and taking it out on YOU....or a little jealous of your serenity.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I was sorta shocked. Thankfully, I kept cool. I told her that drinking isn't an option for me anymore..sorry.

Yes, Amy we are in the process of separating and yes she doesn't go to AA anymore.

TheMaster

I haven't had this said to me, by anyone.

I guess I'm still wild & crazy without booze... Just minus the intoxication.

I'm a pretty comical guy, sober or drinking (although very stupid while drunk).

Maybe you should examine your behavior in both circumstances and try to draw out the likable qualities you exhibited when drinking. That might help you be less boring (if that's the case)...

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I feel and know that I am a whole lot more "fun" sober. I see where you are coming from though..

we were discussing my patience levels surrounding her kids.

Impurrfect

I still think it is that YOU are moving in a different direction, and she doesn't like it. Maybe you aren't as patient with her kids, now, because you're more aware of things you will tolerate and not tolerate than when you were drinking...this is a GOOD thing, but probably not from her standpoint.

YOU know you're doing better, so let it go, sweetie. What's that saying? What others think of me is none of my business. I know, easier said than done, but it's really true.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tanyapmc

Maybe she was saying that do be hurtful? You may want to try and see what her motive was. I don't think her motive was very good in saying that. You are doing great in your sobriety Karen. Sometimes we get to points in our lives where being "fun" is not the most important thing in our lives. You have gone through a lot recently. For me being dull and sober is much better than drunk and fun.

Keep up the good work!

zoomer

I remember when my ex and I where together and we where drinking. We manipulated eachother. Things like he drank, so I'll just go out shopping. Or she drank, and he'll just go out and buy more. Instead of fixing the problems we would creat more of them. Maybe your partner cannot manipulate you any more that is why she like you better as a drunk. My ex and I quit drinking at the same time. I went into the program and he stayed dry. I divorced him because I knew how easy it would be for me to manipulate him into me drinking again and he would not mind because it would give him an excuse to drink again. My ex like the disfuction and when I was sober I had to be the adult and do the next sober thing,so I was not any fun. It's sometimes hell getting well because we have to learn to leave disfuction behind so not to drink again. I also had to learn how to have fun again. All the things I use to have fun doing I can't do any more,so I find new things. Don't let your partner bring you down. I stuck close to the meetings when I was going through my divorce and it help remind me where I was going and what I wanted out of life.

TryingSoHard

OUCH. Hugs, NoMo. I bet that DID hurt. I'm so sorry.

Impurrfect has said some good stuff. Hang in there and try not to let it get you down.

TheMaster

If you are growing apart from your "partner", then leave them.

A "partner" is not worth losing one's self.

MagicMan08

Wow, I have never had anyone in their right minds say that to me. Or people that have seen me drunk in the last 5 years....

Like zoomer said, don't let your partner bring you down. I have learned already, that I am not letting anyone me bring down, or ruin my fun. I remind myself that I am living my own life, and I need to be happy.

I too, am in a really tough relationship, and it seems to almost have gotten worse since I have became sober. But I have came to the conclusion that if I beat her at her own game by remaining happy and positive when she is being a crab I remind her how much fun she is having when she feels like this. (I have told her countless times I am not responsible for her happiness, if you want to be happy, make yourself happy. I cannot make her happy.)

digderidoo

I have had it said to me too, by a good friend and my brother. My friend said, "you used to be a top bloke" (pardon the slang). Cut into me like a knife, but at the end of the day they have lost their drinking partner.

Paul

MagicMan08

I wish I had friends to drink with all the time....but they even got sick of me to a point I think

Sugah

Karen, said by someone who doesn't understand, those words would probably be born out of ignorance; by someone who understands, out of a desire to hurt you; by someone who understands and is 'sober' herself, out of sickness.

I'm sorry your partner is sick, and I'm sorry it's affecting you.

Prayers.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

bstt03

That is terrible. I had good friend say that to me too. Well, at the time I thought a good friend, but actually in retrospect a drinking buddy? Needless to say that person is not a good friend of mine anymore. When this person told me that, I asked her "do you think that my SO thinks i am fun when he is trying to drag me out of a bar or into the house and I am getting beligerant?" Those that matter, matter is my opinion.

SoberforME

I can't imagine how hurtful that would be for me to hear that from my partner.

However, I think that you and she are breaking up and she's doing this to undermine your progress, personally.

I had a partner a few years ago and when I finally left her for good she went on the internet and posted all about my drinking in our local woman for woman forum. She even exaggerated and that was hard to do! Well all it did was make me drink more and through subsequent conversations I have found out that she was trying to deflect the fact that I left her by blaming it on my drinking. (she's co-dependent and with another drunk now)

I wouldn't put to much truck into it.

laurie6781

This is an old 'classic'. I have heard many a non drinking or 'sober?' spouse or significant other say it to the person working an active program of recovery.

Why? In my experience, as the recovering person stays sober and/or clean, and regains their self worth, and self-esteem, they are NO LONGER CONTROLLABLE and the other person is frustrated. All the parameters have changed.

NoMo, she is just 'lashing out'. Like Amy said, she is uncomfortable, probably very uncomfortable with herself, and thus in good addict behavior mode, starts point the finger at others, or in this instance you.

Just remember, we here, have watched you grow and change, and go through some pretty horrific things sober, losing job, etc and you SHINE my dear you really SHINE. She on the other hand seems to be stagnant and maybe falling backwards a bit, so please consider the source, and know that YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON TODAY, a MUCH BETTER PERSON TODAY, than the one that arrived at the door to recovery.

Love and hugs,

stone

What Laurie said!

Dee74

I'm sorry Karen - but you obviously feel you're doing the right thing, you feel you're a better happier person for being sober....We can only be responsible to ourselves - keep on doing what you think is right

D