queenteree

Last night I went to my first open AA meeting. It was very inspirational. My AH is again newly sober and attempting recovery. I say attempting because I don't think he really wants it bad enough to do it. But that's just my opinion. A little background, AH was sober for over 15 years (not a single relapse) before he relapsed severely for 5 years straight. He has been in rehab 3 times in the past 1 1/2 years (two 21 day rehabs with periods of sobriety about 3 months after each time). Most recently, he relapsed for 7 weeks straight, 24/7. He then went into intensive inpatient program and insurance only allowed 12 days. He got out last Friday. He is on Campral. He has been going to meetings and resumes outpatient treatment Friday.
I read and commented actually on another post about relationships/financial stressors, etc. in early recovery and AA's views respecting same. It is said not to get into any relationships the first year and that financial stressors can trigger relapse. I have heard that for many, many years. Just as Alanon suggests not to make any major decisions the first year. But what if the newly "recovering" person is already married (and marriage is rocky due to the alcoholic's actions while active), there is a court case pending (due to the alcoholic's actions while active) and there is financial stress due to the alcoholic losing his well paying job of over 23 years (due to his actions while active)? What would be AA's stance on that person with respect to relationships/financial hardships/stressors during the first year? I suggested more than once that we live apart for a while in order for him to concentrate on his recovery and me to concentrate on mine, and see where it takes us, but he absolutely refuses to do it. He also says we do not have the money (I am the only one working, he gets unemployment). I say I will get a second job and the money will work out, we need to fix ourselves and the rest will fall into place, either together or apart. I know I harbor some resentment toward his most recent actions, and I'm working on myself to try and get past them, but in the meantime, he wants us to act like it's all in the past and nothing ever happened. To me, that hinders my recovery, and in turn, I don't want to hinder his recovery (if there is one). Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

Sugah

queenteree, AA doesn't have a stance on this. You often hear a suggestion to make no major changes in the first year, but that's not an "AA" message, either. It's come in large measure from the treatment facilities, though many in AA do pass it on as a good guideline. It's not practical for all people. Say, for example, you decide that you must live apart from your husband. He can't very well make you stay, can he? That's out of his hands.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Tommyh

queentree,sugah is right.I would like to add when I got sober my wife had been going to ala non for some time getting better herself.She made the decision she was going to get better,whether I did or not.I eventually got into AA and life slowly got better for us.There did come a few days when we had to sit down,get honest with ourselves and each other and go from there.It all worked out for us
because we placed spiritual growth before material growth.

queenteree

No, he can't make me stay, but he sure can place blame on me big time if he relapses. He says financially we can't afford to live apart (it's only my salary, his unemployment), trust me I think he feels stuck and in a way, so do I. I don't see how staying together is helping things any, and I place spiritual growth and recovery well above finances (and my friends in F&F would be shocked to hear me say that, but it's true).

yeahgr8

Just a suggestion, is there anyway you could have atemp split for say a month, maybe stay with a friend, family or short term rental to give yourselves space without committing to a long split at this stage. Maybe it would be more clear for you, or even both of you, with a little distance?

Just a suggestion though:-)

CarolD

You might want to read the chapter
"To The Wives" in our BB.
I've not been in your situation..or his either...

Good to know both of you are working towards recovery.

TryingSoHard

That's his issue, sweetie, not yours. He only has as much control over you as you give him. Sounds to me like he's freaking out about it a bit because maybe you CAN afford it and HE'S the one who can't so he doesn't know what he would do. Scary? Maybe. Reason to leave things as they are? Not necessarily. Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with, though.

Sugah and Bballdad are right on the money, IMO.

Peace and best wishes.

ericamay

Hi there! Well, I'm not sure what an ideal answer would be in this situation! For me,parting from my mate would never be an option. Recovering or not if he needs me I'm there. Not to enable, but support in making good decisions. I sure as heck wouldn't want him bailing on me!! Just be strong for yourself, and treat him as you would want to be treated. Of course if the situation was ever mentally or physically abusive my advice would ofcourse be to get out. Good luck friend!! I know my advice is not the same as the rest but I'm just basing it on how I would want to be treated.

CAPTAINZING2000

Thanks for the reminder 15 years doesn't cure you