Scared and detoxing alone right now
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Scared and detoxing alone right now
I came here to make a topic and ask for advice, but I got caught up in replying to a private message from back in September, and replying to a topic.
Instead of typing it all out again I'm copying/pasting both right now. I'm starting to think that being a part-time alcoholic is worse than doing this every day. I hope I make it through tonight because I want to embrace the addiction of being sober at the level I have drank in the past few days.
Oh, here are my messages. I'm tired of typing.
Reply to private message:
Thank you.
Sorry I'm so slow to reply, it's my first time logging in again.
I was better for a few months then sunk really low again in the past few days. I binge drink. Sometimes I go weeks without any. Then I go nuts for a few days and occasionally miss work.
I've been in such denial because I'm not a "normal" alcoholic. It doesn't control my life every day. It just grabs chunks of it and eats it up. But I've had enough of that.
I went back to AA on Monday but I didn't stay long. I was very uncomfortable and also going through withdrawal. I tried getting a cup of coffee but spilled some and burned my hands because I was shaking so much, then I pretended to go out for a smoke (believe it or not, I'm actually doing good with quitting smoking), and I just got in my car and drove home. I didn't drink that night. Or for a couple of nights after.
It's kind of ridiculous. I was in the one place in the world where I don't have to be embarrassed about my shaking hands. I'm sure most people in that room can relate.
But I started again on new years eve and I'm trying to survive tonight because I ran out totally, the stores are closed, and I couldn't drive anyway.
Anyway, that was a rant...more than I meant to type. I appreciate the private message and I hope things are still going good for you. I think I'm ready to end the denial and work towards something different.
Reply to post:
This is the first time I've honestly read or heard something that I totally relate with. ....
I was at my lowest point several years ago. I drink much less now, but when I do, it seems the result is worse. But it's not every day. Or every week.
I've learned to "maintain" my problem. And hide it from everyone, really well, I managed to quit smoking AND lose about 30 pounds in about 3 months. Everyone is amazed at how good I look. And they think "temporary drinking problem" a few years ago is gone. Because I keep it to myself now. When I'm in a social situation I have 1 or 2 drinks, then stop. Then I go home in finish a large bottle of vodka. And it goes on for a few days, I stop, go through withdrawal, and do it again a few weekends later. Nobody ever sees me drunk anymore. Only people online, this message board and many others, sometimes I read my messages the next day and I'm shocked and disgusted.
-not functioning so well right now....
I'm making a new topic now, that's what I came here for. Sorry for the repeat.
Wish me luck tonight everyone, I've gone through worse and I don't have it in me to reach out for help with friends and family right now. I don't want to disappoint anyone again. They all thought I was the 1 in million person that conquered alcoholism and began a successful social drinker.
I can't take that back now because I might want to go back to that fantasy sometime in the future.
Sorry for the crazy long topic.
Instead of typing it all out again I'm copying/pasting both right now. I'm starting to think that being a part-time alcoholic is worse than doing this every day. I hope I make it through tonight because I want to embrace the addiction of being sober at the level I have drank in the past few days.
Oh, here are my messages. I'm tired of typing.
Reply to private message:
Thank you.
Sorry I'm so slow to reply, it's my first time logging in again.
I was better for a few months then sunk really low again in the past few days. I binge drink. Sometimes I go weeks without any. Then I go nuts for a few days and occasionally miss work.
I've been in such denial because I'm not a "normal" alcoholic. It doesn't control my life every day. It just grabs chunks of it and eats it up. But I've had enough of that.
I went back to AA on Monday but I didn't stay long. I was very uncomfortable and also going through withdrawal. I tried getting a cup of coffee but spilled some and burned my hands because I was shaking so much, then I pretended to go out for a smoke (believe it or not, I'm actually doing good with quitting smoking), and I just got in my car and drove home. I didn't drink that night. Or for a couple of nights after.
It's kind of ridiculous. I was in the one place in the world where I don't have to be embarrassed about my shaking hands. I'm sure most people in that room can relate.
But I started again on new years eve and I'm trying to survive tonight because I ran out totally, the stores are closed, and I couldn't drive anyway.
Anyway, that was a rant...more than I meant to type. I appreciate the private message and I hope things are still going good for you. I think I'm ready to end the denial and work towards something different.
Reply to post:
This is the first time I've honestly read or heard something that I totally relate with. ....
I was at my lowest point several years ago. I drink much less now, but when I do, it seems the result is worse. But it's not every day. Or every week.
I've learned to "maintain" my problem. And hide it from everyone, really well, I managed to quit smoking AND lose about 30 pounds in about 3 months. Everyone is amazed at how good I look. And they think "temporary drinking problem" a few years ago is gone. Because I keep it to myself now. When I'm in a social situation I have 1 or 2 drinks, then stop. Then I go home in finish a large bottle of vodka. And it goes on for a few days, I stop, go through withdrawal, and do it again a few weekends later. Nobody ever sees me drunk anymore. Only people online, this message board and many others, sometimes I read my messages the next day and I'm shocked and disgusted.
-not functioning so well right now....
I'm making a new topic now, that's what I came here for. Sorry for the repeat.
Wish me luck tonight everyone, I've gone through worse and I don't have it in me to reach out for help with friends and family right now. I don't want to disappoint anyone again. They all thought I was the 1 in million person that conquered alcoholism and began a successful social drinker.
I can't take that back now because I might want to go back to that fantasy sometime in the future.
Sorry for the crazy long topic.
Last edited by CarolD; 01-03-2009 at 11:00 PM. Reason: Removed PM-Not allowed on our boards
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I wanted to send you a private message but couldn't because I havent posted 5x according to the forum guidelines. I wanted you to know I have been where you are at right now few times and am now sober for 8 months. Detoxing on your own is very scary and can be dangerous. Is there someone you can call and have stay with you? I'll stay online if you need to talk. Don't forget to breath..
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Originally Posted by Amy08 
I wanted to send you a private message but couldn't because I havent posted 5x according to the forum guidelines. I wanted you to know I have been where you are at right now few times and am now sober for 8 months. Detoxing on your own is very scary and can be dangerous. Is there someone you can call and have stay with you? I'll stay online if you need to talk. Don't forget to breath..
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 36
I did the same; I would binge, withdraw, get sick and start the cycle after a few weeks. Right now you need to make sure you stay healthy. Are you able to keep fluids down? Every withdraw I would get sicker and sicker. I kept it pretty private too. Everyone thought I was getting better....but...I wasn't. Been where you are at.
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Originally Posted by Amy08
I did the same; I would binge, withdraw, get sick and start the cycle after a few weeks. Right now you need to make sure you stay healthy. Are you able to keep fluids down? Every withdraw I would get sicker and sicker. I kept it pretty private too. Everyone thought I was getting better....but...I wasn't. Been where you are at.
I probably shouldn't worry so much. I'm drinking lots of water and I just ate for the first time in about 2 days. I'm holding it down, in not feeling sick in that way. But I've been there before. Usually when hungover but once during withdrawal. That was my time in the ER and also the first time I barfed in about 23 years.
I don't think I'm nearly that bad right now. I certainly couldn't have typed a message to someone that night.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 36
I do feel you're pain...
For me I was so tired of being sick and tired and I just didn't know how to quit. Plain and simple. I finally surrendered; told someone I "needed help" and that's all it took. Honestly, I thought I was dying! I have been so amazed at the support I did get; even after so many failed attempts. I do believe you can do this too.
For me I was so tired of being sick and tired and I just didn't know how to quit. Plain and simple. I finally surrendered; told someone I "needed help" and that's all it took. Honestly, I thought I was dying! I have been so amazed at the support I did get; even after so many failed attempts. I do believe you can do this too.
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I've started to realize something. I'm going through depression. In a big way. It's been a few years. I've basically given up. I just do what I need to do to get by. I went to therapy for a couple of years and tried a million different drugs. Nothing helped. The only time I feel anything is after a lot of drinking. Anything. Any emotion. I'm dead inside.
I'm going to stop denying a problem with alcohol, notice I didn't say alcoholic, but it's a problem. But I think it's more of a symptom of a bigger problem. I'm not sure if I'm past that point of no return with drinking. But I need to stay away from it until I fix everything else.
Warning: Everything I just said is probably a lie.
I am so mixed up right now.
I'm going to stop denying a problem with alcohol, notice I didn't say alcoholic, but it's a problem. But I think it's more of a symptom of a bigger problem. I'm not sure if I'm past that point of no return with drinking. But I need to stay away from it until I fix everything else.
Warning: Everything I just said is probably a lie.
I am so mixed up right now.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
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De toxing is dangeorus to do alone..but you already kknow that.
Don't hesitate to call your local EMT for assistance.
Glad you could eat...yes...water and Gatorade are good...
try to relax...you know this is going to take a few days.
Don't hesitate to call your local EMT for assistance.
Glad you could eat...yes...water and Gatorade are good...
try to relax...you know this is going to take a few days.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 36
Warning: Everything I just said is probably a lie.
See, you can't even fool yourself anymore. We alcoholics are good at b'sing others, but not other alcoholics. The first step is admitting we are powerless over our drug of choice and our life is unmanageable. This needs to be done before anything else...with the exception of putting down the bottle. You need to take care of YOU. And as I'm sure you have been told, alcohol is a depressant. Do you have a doctor maybe you could talk to?
See, you can't even fool yourself anymore. We alcoholics are good at b'sing others, but not other alcoholics. The first step is admitting we are powerless over our drug of choice and our life is unmanageable. This needs to be done before anything else...with the exception of putting down the bottle. You need to take care of YOU. And as I'm sure you have been told, alcohol is a depressant. Do you have a doctor maybe you could talk to?
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Originally Posted by Amy08
Warning: Everything I just said is probably a lie.
See, you can't even fool yourself anymore. We alcoholics are good at b'sing others, but not other alcoholics. The first step is admitting we are powerless over our drug of choice and our life is unmanageable. This needs to be done before anything else...with the exception of putting down the bottle. You need to take care of YOU. And as I'm sure you have been told, alcohol is a depressant. Do you have a doctor maybe you could talk to?
See, you can't even fool yourself anymore. We alcoholics are good at b'sing others, but not other alcoholics. The first step is admitting we are powerless over our drug of choice and our life is unmanageable. This needs to be done before anything else...with the exception of putting down the bottle. You need to take care of YOU. And as I'm sure you have been told, alcohol is a depressant. Do you have a doctor maybe you could talk to?
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Let me say Welcome Back!!!!!
There is not such thing as a "Normal Alcoholic", rofl but there what they used to call
A Periodic
And there problems were just as bad as the daily and maybe sometimes worse.
I posted this to another who is trying to find recovery and I think it might help you also:
You see that is the real problems with most of us. we LOST THE "OFF" SWITCH, and then we end up sick, ashamed, sad, and sorry, one more time.
Since you have been through withdrawal before, I will second what Carol said, and should anything and I mean anything not seem the teeniest bit right to you, get to the ER. Detoxing can be deadly!
I am glad you are able to take fluids. Keep your food intake light, like broths with few additives, as they are much easier to keep down.
Keep posting, reading, and asking questions. We do care and we are here for you.
Love and hugs,
There is not such thing as a "Normal Alcoholic", rofl but there what they used to call
A Periodic
And there problems were just as bad as the daily and maybe sometimes worse.
I posted this to another who is trying to find recovery and I think it might help you also:
At 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday I was in my first AA meeting, still only thinking I was a "drunk" not an "alcoholic."
Something was read at that meeting, which really struck a 'chord' within me.
It is from Chapter 4, We Agnostics, of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, just one sentence that hit me like a lightning bolt:
"If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."
Well that got through to me. Until then I couldn't quit entirely, oh sure for a day or two or sometimes even three, and when I drank there was no OFF switch.
Something was read at that meeting, which really struck a 'chord' within me.
It is from Chapter 4, We Agnostics, of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, just one sentence that hit me like a lightning bolt:
"If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."
Well that got through to me. Until then I couldn't quit entirely, oh sure for a day or two or sometimes even three, and when I drank there was no OFF switch.
Since you have been through withdrawal before, I will second what Carol said, and should anything and I mean anything not seem the teeniest bit right to you, get to the ER. Detoxing can be deadly!
I am glad you are able to take fluids. Keep your food intake light, like broths with few additives, as they are much easier to keep down.
Keep posting, reading, and asking questions. We do care and we are here for you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 36
The truth of our problem is we can't handle alcohol or other drugs; they handle us. They control us. The Steps asks us to face the truth. Facing the truth means we are honest. Honesty is what got me well. It also keeps me well. I hope that you can find someone to talk to.
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So far I have a pulsating, wobbly feeling in my brain, and the beginning of a headache. So far I'm drinking tons of water. I'm hungry and I ate a little, but I'm afraid to fill up because I might feel sick later. I can't believe I'm actually telling somebody this stuff. When I try to sleep, I get an almost uncontrollable urge to rock back and forth or keep moving in some way. When I start to doze off I'm haunting by repeating thoughts, images and sounds. It's hard to explain.
Has anyone else experienced this? It happens to me every time, but I usually get to the store and go through it slowly on Sunday. I missed that opportunity last night.
Has anyone else experienced this? It happens to me every time, but I usually get to the store and go through it slowly on Sunday. I missed that opportunity last night.
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As long as I don't take that first sip I'm fine. I can go forever without it. But once I have the first sip it's like jumping off a cliff.
I feel amazing, happy, confident, and if I have sex life, it is enhanced in a huge way, because I'm confident. Sorry for sharing too much information.
But a few hours later the pain sets in. I wake up in physical pain, often finding eye makeup all over my pillowcase - that's the only way I know I cried the night before, and I don't remember it.
I feel amazing, happy, confident, and if I have sex life, it is enhanced in a huge way, because I'm confident. Sorry for sharing too much information.
But a few hours later the pain sets in. I wake up in physical pain, often finding eye makeup all over my pillowcase - that's the only way I know I cried the night before, and I don't remember it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
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You are detoxing and even though you are drinking water, you can still dehydrate. That messes up your electrolytes and that can be very dangerous. You could always just call your local er and talk to triage and describe your symptoms. You wouldn't have to say who you were of course. I'm thinking of you..) oh, eat some bananas..something w/potassium couldn't hurt.
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My first time in the ER was after my worst drinking experience. I had an IV in my hand for the first time. They said it was to replenish potassium and other vitamins and take care of dehydration. I couldn't hold down even a little water and I hadn't eating in a few days. They gave me some kind of sedative to help me sleep and when I woke up I felt fine.
I went home and started being sober. Went to AA 2 or 3 nights a week. Almost started being addicted to sobriety.
One night I got my 30 day chip at AA. I got hugs from other members, everyone got emotional, I was so proud of myself.
So proud that I went home and celebrated all weekend with a couple of bottles of death.
I'm an idiot.
I went home and started being sober. Went to AA 2 or 3 nights a week. Almost started being addicted to sobriety.
One night I got my 30 day chip at AA. I got hugs from other members, everyone got emotional, I was so proud of myself.
So proud that I went home and celebrated all weekend with a couple of bottles of death.
I'm an idiot.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
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The 2nd to the last time I 'quit' drinking; I checked myself into a hospital detox because I was sooo sick from detoxing on my own. I just bawled when I left there because I knew I was going to drink again, I felt like such a loser I was a total mess. And of course, I went straight to the liquor store. I just didn't get it. Less then a week later I was back. I don't know what happened but something sure did. I was surrounded by doctors, social workers, shrinks and I just let it all go. I was only there a week but I stayed on the program. Went straight to the doctor and am still working on all the damage I had done to myself. Thank God, nothing lasting. I joined AA, a gym, started therapy and thank my HP daily. My life did really change. I am finally at peace. I hope you continue with AA. You've done 30 days before which is awesome! Please don't be discouraged....God Bless
trying to get it..
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Originally Posted by Ready to Change
I'm an idiot.
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
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After reading all this I don't have much to add except....I am glad you are here. Just wait in no time flat your binge drinking will turn into straight out of the closet full time drinking!! Then maybe you can be a more normal alcoholic!! LOL!! Anyway just keep on posting and gooing to AA meetings...it works if you work it! Sending a Huge Hug!!!!!!!
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