What Now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 52
What Now?
I finally came to the realization that I have a problem. I am 15 days into this new life and do not know what to expect or what to do now. I made it to the Doctor yesterday and to the counselor this afternoon. I have been reading various post in the forums. The biggest question I have is how do I convince my wife that I CANNOT hang out with the same people and do the same things we have always done? She doesn't get it. I'm a high strung person anyways and in the last 15 days, as others have posted I have just been ****** off at the world. This emotional roller coaster is a crazy thing. I'd just soon crawl inside my hole and not be around anyone, is that normal? I personally let all of our family and friends know what was going on that I was seeking help and managed to make it through Christmas unscathed although difficult. (4 nights with a family of drinkers) I do know that I am not the 1st person to attempt this but I am just looking for some advice that are further along in the journey. Thanks
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Bodey and welcome to SR!
I'm about 110 days ahead of you. I am married to my drinking partner of 14 years. I am sober, he still drinks.
You are doing great. Congratulations on the 15 days! The roller coaster is normal, but it will start to slow down, thankfully. Each person is different. My ride started to calm down after 30 days. I managed to keep working and functioning during the crazy days. I tried very hard to respond instead of react to situations. That was all I knew to do to keep myself in check. It helped. You have a counselor that may be able to help you with some coping skills. Learning new skills is part of the fun of being sober for me! I like to learn.
You have my respect for letting everyone know up front about your sobriety. I let my family know. My children are my biggest cheerleaders!
Unless your wife is an alcoholic or drug addict that has gotten clean and sober, she won't get it (not completely). That is what we are here for. We get it!!! Some of the members here will suggest alanon for your wife. That may be helpful for her to understand some of the things you are experiencing. It may also teach her some coping skills for what she went through living with an alcoholic.
I know about wanting to crawl into the hole and disappear for a while. I was just sharing that with a friend. I sorta envy my friends here that went to rehab. Sounds like rehab would be the hole to crawl into. But for today, I am thankful that I found my way through those early days.
There are several other active members here on SR that are married and new to sobriety. You are not alone.
Keep reading and posting as needed.
I'm about 110 days ahead of you. I am married to my drinking partner of 14 years. I am sober, he still drinks.
You are doing great. Congratulations on the 15 days! The roller coaster is normal, but it will start to slow down, thankfully. Each person is different. My ride started to calm down after 30 days. I managed to keep working and functioning during the crazy days. I tried very hard to respond instead of react to situations. That was all I knew to do to keep myself in check. It helped. You have a counselor that may be able to help you with some coping skills. Learning new skills is part of the fun of being sober for me! I like to learn.
You have my respect for letting everyone know up front about your sobriety. I let my family know. My children are my biggest cheerleaders!
Unless your wife is an alcoholic or drug addict that has gotten clean and sober, she won't get it (not completely). That is what we are here for. We get it!!! Some of the members here will suggest alanon for your wife. That may be helpful for her to understand some of the things you are experiencing. It may also teach her some coping skills for what she went through living with an alcoholic.
I know about wanting to crawl into the hole and disappear for a while. I was just sharing that with a friend. I sorta envy my friends here that went to rehab. Sounds like rehab would be the hole to crawl into. But for today, I am thankful that I found my way through those early days.
There are several other active members here on SR that are married and new to sobriety. You are not alone.
Keep reading and posting as needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 52
Congrats on the 125 days. Thanks for the supportive post Pelican. I just had my initial assessment, oh boy. Twice a week for 12 weeks on an outpatient program. The biggest part I struggle with is I don't know if you would call it embarrassed, ashamed, or just being the elephant in the room, I just feel weird about it. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, I'm sure some day I'll look back and be able to identify what THE reason is. The counselor even suggested that my wife participate in some counseling on her own to 'vent' and to help educate her on what it is that I'm going through. One thing that I do have is the resolve to see this through, I will not lose this battle. Thanks again for the post, gotta get ready for my 1st group meeting.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I was long divorced when I was an active alcoholic
and have remained happily single in AA recovery.
So...I
Congratulations on your new life and
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...
and have remained happily single in AA recovery.
So...I
Congratulations on your new life and
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Congratulations Bodey!
Just wanted to welcome you.
I have been sober about 7 1/2 months and I am married to a "normie". He does not get it and in fact a cople weeks ago he told me that he did not think i was an alcoholic because it was "so easy" for me to quit and that I could probably have a drink now and then. Crikes! First of all, it has not been "easy" for me but i have not stumbled. I have hard some really rough times but i just do not drink no matter what. I know that i am an alcoholic but I do not know that he will ever get it. His idea of a drunk is his never working, abusive, drunk all the time stepfather. I was not that. But it is okay that he does not get it because I do. I attend AA, have a sponsor and am working the steps. I share with other alcoholics what I am going through. I still love my husband just as much and we share a lot, just not as much about my recovery. I let him lead that. If he wants to talk about it, we do. But i don't talk about it all the time because I don't have to.
The biggest thing for me is that i take care of myself today. So if i need to get to a meeting, I tell my husband that is what I need to do. If we are with friends or relatives and their drinking starts to make me uncomfortable, i tell my husband and ask if we can go. If an event seems that it will be focused on alcohol, I choose not to go.
Congratulations and welcome again! It is wonderful to hear your resolve.
Just wanted to welcome you.
I have been sober about 7 1/2 months and I am married to a "normie". He does not get it and in fact a cople weeks ago he told me that he did not think i was an alcoholic because it was "so easy" for me to quit and that I could probably have a drink now and then. Crikes! First of all, it has not been "easy" for me but i have not stumbled. I have hard some really rough times but i just do not drink no matter what. I know that i am an alcoholic but I do not know that he will ever get it. His idea of a drunk is his never working, abusive, drunk all the time stepfather. I was not that. But it is okay that he does not get it because I do. I attend AA, have a sponsor and am working the steps. I share with other alcoholics what I am going through. I still love my husband just as much and we share a lot, just not as much about my recovery. I let him lead that. If he wants to talk about it, we do. But i don't talk about it all the time because I don't have to.
The biggest thing for me is that i take care of myself today. So if i need to get to a meeting, I tell my husband that is what I need to do. If we are with friends or relatives and their drinking starts to make me uncomfortable, i tell my husband and ask if we can go. If an event seems that it will be focused on alcohol, I choose not to go.
Congratulations and welcome again! It is wonderful to hear your resolve.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Bodey welcome to SR and congrats on your sober time....... my wife does not get it either, she hated my drinking and in the end was less then a month away from taking the kids and leaving my drunk butt behind!
The emotional roller coaster is normal, mine lasted for about 2-3 months, I too wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, but quickly found the best thing for me was to be around other sober alcoholics..... they understood what I was going through, they shared with me thier struglgles in early sobriety and what they did to get through the tough times. They gave me all the support I wanted or needed. There were folks I could call any time day or night if I was having problems.
The fellowship of AA and the program are what kept me sober in those early months, now I am able to pass on what was given to me, I continue to learn how to deal with different life sirtuations with out the thought of a drink ever seeming like a solution.
For me I have found that isolating is the worst thing I can do. I did not get sober to hide from the world, I got sober to become a part of the world and AA has been the avenue for me to rejoin the world.
The emotional roller coaster is normal, mine lasted for about 2-3 months, I too wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, but quickly found the best thing for me was to be around other sober alcoholics..... they understood what I was going through, they shared with me thier struglgles in early sobriety and what they did to get through the tough times. They gave me all the support I wanted or needed. There were folks I could call any time day or night if I was having problems.
The fellowship of AA and the program are what kept me sober in those early months, now I am able to pass on what was given to me, I continue to learn how to deal with different life sirtuations with out the thought of a drink ever seeming like a solution.
For me I have found that isolating is the worst thing I can do. I did not get sober to hide from the world, I got sober to become a part of the world and AA has been the avenue for me to rejoin the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 52
Thanks Taz, I did my initial assessment yesterday and now will embark on a 12 week OP program. I attended my first group last night and lo and behold I survived. The most amazing thing is the amount of support a person receives from complete strangers. I hope some day I will be able to pay it forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Congrats bodey, i empathise with you on the partner situation in a way that it was destructive to me to be with people i dated as it inevitably lead to nights drinking as thats all they did, British culture or something i dunno, but it increased my anxiety the drink did & inevitably i showed & insecure, emotional, paranoid idiot!!
I could never have been with them if i didn't drink as, well, thats what we did!
The best relationships i had were with people that didn't or hardly drank & they understood my issue & i stopped, for them, or the relationship was dead, now i find myself with the big battle, with me!!
I'm needing a new set of friends, i have my others all calling me to the bar, people i known years.. To have a partner TTOSBT that avoids situations like that i never had, it makes me think.
I feel embarrased, i read your 15 day sober & your dealing with the rollercoaster that lill old weak me gets after 2 days & falls off!!
I hope your partner gets it soon & all goes well, inspiration everywhere!!
I could never have been with them if i didn't drink as, well, thats what we did!
The best relationships i had were with people that didn't or hardly drank & they understood my issue & i stopped, for them, or the relationship was dead, now i find myself with the big battle, with me!!
I'm needing a new set of friends, i have my others all calling me to the bar, people i known years.. To have a partner TTOSBT that avoids situations like that i never had, it makes me think.
I feel embarrased, i read your 15 day sober & your dealing with the rollercoaster that lill old weak me gets after 2 days & falls off!!
I hope your partner gets it soon & all goes well, inspiration everywhere!!
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Bodey, Welcome to SR! Like Pelican, I am married to an alcoholic. There is Always alcohol around. But I will NOT drink it. I won't.
You can only change yourself, and it sounds like you are very ready to do that. Good for you! Take it easy on yourself. Remember to Breathe! And come to SR a lot...it really does help!
You can only change yourself, and it sounds like you are very ready to do that. Good for you! Take it easy on yourself. Remember to Breathe! And come to SR a lot...it really does help!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 164
welcome bodey...i too am a married recovering alcoholic..my husband of 20 years was a drinker, not an alcoholic, but a "social" drinker...hate those...lol....he could go to the bar with me and have a soda...wtf....never heard of such a thing...the thought never occurred to me! seriously though, it is very tough to explain alcoholism to someone that is not an alcoholic..we are wired differently...i was very lucky that when i made the decision to surrender, my husband quit drinking as well and although he doesn't understand or ask very much about aa or the meetings i attend, he supports me 150% and for that i am truly grateful! hang in there and if your wife asks, tell her..if you decide to go to aa and she wants to attend alanon, support her! this will be a new journey for both of you...remember not to beat yourself up too much about the past and take it a day at time! my thoughts & prayers are with you and your family! this is truly the most rewarding journey i have ever been on in my life, save motherhood!
Big Hugs!! Happy New Year!! Keep us posted!
Lisa
Big Hugs!! Happy New Year!! Keep us posted!
Lisa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 52
Thank You everyone for the wonderful responses. Went to 1st group last night, lived. Went to 1st AA today guess what still here. It's not about who has it the worse because everyone is different, like a finger print. Nothing bad happened to get me to change other then something inside clicked. I have to much to lose and a lot more to gain. I finally decided it was time to quit playing Russian Roulette because at some point I was bound to run out of luck. Time to cash out. Thanks again and Happy New Year Everyone!! I'll be around.
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 361
I am heading to 9 months sober this month and my husband is still a pain about it. I am just waiting it out and hoping he comes around. He drinks and I think it is alcoholically that that isn't my decision to make. I need to do what is best for me and my recovery. Right now I could take him or leave him and at first that useto bother me but now I am just riding it out and letting each day come as it will. Here is an example...we were invited to a new years open house party today from 3-6. Just casual with hordoueves and such. He says I will be watching the Rose Bowl. What a jerk. Not an hour out of your so busy day...ggrrrr. This post is turning into my venting...
So I guess the suggestion I give is just be selfish about your recovery and you will reap the benefits!!!
So I guess the suggestion I give is just be selfish about your recovery and you will reap the benefits!!!
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