What could your spouse have done?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 8
What could your spouse have done?
I know you're going to tell me there is nothing I can do to make my husband stop drinking. But can you tell me, in your own situation, was there anything your spouse could have done that would at least have made it MORE LIKELY that you would stop?
Right now, I feel like the only thing I can do that will get through to him is to leave him. I'm not certain that would work, but I think it would.
I really don't want to leave him, though. I know he knows that, and that isn't helping.
Right now, I feel like the only thing I can do that will get through to him is to leave him. I'm not certain that would work, but I think it would.
I really don't want to leave him, though. I know he knows that, and that isn't helping.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 8
Themaster,
Thank you for replying. Let me try to clarify what you're telling me. The only thing I can do is leave?
I know nagging doesn't help. Believe me, I've done that off and on for years.
Thank you for replying. Let me try to clarify what you're telling me. The only thing I can do is leave?
I know nagging doesn't help. Believe me, I've done that off and on for years.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
les....I'm 6 months sober. My husband is still drinking heavily.
There is nothing he could have done for me, or me for him, in my opinion. And that breaks my heart.
You have to want to get sober from the depth of Your guts....not anyone elses.
Please stick around and keep reading. There is a lot of good information on this site.
There is nothing he could have done for me, or me for him, in my opinion. And that breaks my heart.
You have to want to get sober from the depth of Your guts....not anyone elses.
Please stick around and keep reading. There is a lot of good information on this site.
Absolute Evil
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by lesliea 
Themaster,
Thank you for replying. Let me try to clarify what you're telling me. The only thing I can do is leave?
I know nagging doesn't help. Believe me, I've done that off and on for years.
Thank you for replying. Let me try to clarify what you're telling me. The only thing I can do is leave?
I know nagging doesn't help. Believe me, I've done that off and on for years.
There is absolutely NOTHING else you can do. NO ONE quits doing anything until THEY want to quit.
He has to want to. It has to be HIS decision for HIS reasons.
Maybe your absence will do the trick.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello Lesliea,
There are alot of people in our Friends & Family forums who have experience living with an alcoholic. I hope you will stop by, read some posts, the sticky threads and maybe share your story in your own thread if you care to.
Al-Anon is also a wonderful resource that I highly recommend.
There are alot of people in our Friends & Family forums who have experience living with an alcoholic. I hope you will stop by, read some posts, the sticky threads and maybe share your story in your own thread if you care to.
Al-Anon is also a wonderful resource that I highly recommend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Now that I am sober I can say two things...
1. Without my imposed 2 month rehab stay as the result of a workplace intervention, there is nobody that could have stopped me from drinking. End of discussion.
2. How I wish so bad that she could have stopped me before the consequences. I know she wishes the same thing.
But, I am alive, still have my job today, we are still married and all my kids are home for the holidays...
If she had left me would I have quit ? I love her deeply and can't imagine choosing to live without her... so I wonder about that... Would she have left me if I didn't ????????
Mark
1. Without my imposed 2 month rehab stay as the result of a workplace intervention, there is nobody that could have stopped me from drinking. End of discussion.
2. How I wish so bad that she could have stopped me before the consequences. I know she wishes the same thing.
But, I am alive, still have my job today, we are still married and all my kids are home for the holidays...
If she had left me would I have quit ? I love her deeply and can't imagine choosing to live without her... so I wonder about that... Would she have left me if I didn't ????????
Mark
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'll never advise anyone to end their marriage - not on the basis of one post 
Forcing a choice would never have worked for me anyway, and recovery under duress doesn't sound like a great idea to me
There's a wealth of people here whose marriages have survived alcoholism, and came through the other side to flourish in recovery. It may be a selective view, but it's those stories I choose to focus on.
Like cmc said, look in at the F&F forum, maybe even check out alalon - as an alkie I believe noone can help the alcoholic if they don't want help, but you don't have to stand by - you can help yourself
D
Forcing a choice would never have worked for me anyway, and recovery under duress doesn't sound like a great idea to me
There's a wealth of people here whose marriages have survived alcoholism, and came through the other side to flourish in recovery. It may be a selective view, but it's those stories I choose to focus on.
Like cmc said, look in at the F&F forum, maybe even check out alalon - as an alkie I believe noone can help the alcoholic if they don't want help, but you don't have to stand by - you can help yourself
D
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Good responses here so far. Welcome to SR. I'm glad someone suggested checking out the Friends and Family forum - that's the first thing I was going to say.
Next I'll say quit beating yourself up or thinking there's a way you can "fix" this. You can't. Only he can.
For me personally, no, there is nothing my husband could have done to get me to quit. I hid my drinking from him, so he had no clue how bad my problem was until I confessed everything to him in September. If he had threatened to leave? I dunno. I can't second-guess that now. I would have been hysterical. I wouldn't have WANTED him to go. But would it have made me quit? I'll never know.
I'm with Dee, by the way. I can not and will not advocate ending a marriage, especially on the basis of one post.
I wanted to confide in him. I wanted his support and love. But there is nothing he could have done to make me quit. I now have his support, but he can not keep me sober. I am a big girl. He can not babysit me, and he shouldn't have to.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Next I'll say quit beating yourself up or thinking there's a way you can "fix" this. You can't. Only he can.
For me personally, no, there is nothing my husband could have done to get me to quit. I hid my drinking from him, so he had no clue how bad my problem was until I confessed everything to him in September. If he had threatened to leave? I dunno. I can't second-guess that now. I would have been hysterical. I wouldn't have WANTED him to go. But would it have made me quit? I'll never know.
I'm with Dee, by the way. I can not and will not advocate ending a marriage, especially on the basis of one post.
I wanted to confide in him. I wanted his support and love. But there is nothing he could have done to make me quit. I now have his support, but he can not keep me sober. I am a big girl. He can not babysit me, and he shouldn't have to.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
One thing my wife would do is condemn me for drinking one day and the next day tell me to go have a drink. Not understanding Alcoholism, she had no idea of the fact that I couldn't control it in any way, shape or form.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
My wife was way too nice to me. Would always forgive. Take care of my responsibilities for me (kids practices, household responsibilities). Make those tough phone calls. Pick me up when I woke up in strange places.
It kept the fantasy alive - that I was a great husband and father, that my drinking wasn't really affecting anyone.
She actually thought I was drinking because of her (she told me this) so I think she was trying to make up for it. Please be certain - his drinking is his problem, not yours.
I do wonder if I didn't have so many soft & gentle landings would I have woken up sooner and realized how bad my drinking was getting, how badly I was hurting people. My wife, my boss, my family...all quick to forgive & clean up the mess for me. In my case, I think I would have. I needed & deserved a good kick in the head.
It kept the fantasy alive - that I was a great husband and father, that my drinking wasn't really affecting anyone.
She actually thought I was drinking because of her (she told me this) so I think she was trying to make up for it. Please be certain - his drinking is his problem, not yours.
I do wonder if I didn't have so many soft & gentle landings would I have woken up sooner and realized how bad my drinking was getting, how badly I was hurting people. My wife, my boss, my family...all quick to forgive & clean up the mess for me. In my case, I think I would have. I needed & deserved a good kick in the head.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by gravity
My wife was way too nice to me. Would always forgive. Take care of my responsibilities for me (kids practices, household responsibilities).
It kept the fantasy alive - that I was a great husband and father, that my drinking wasn't really affecting anyone.
Please be certain - his drinking is his problem, not yours.
I do wonder if I didn't have so many soft & gentle landings would I have woken up sooner and realized how bad my drinking was getting, how badly I was hurting people. My wife, my boss, my family...all quick to forgive & clean up the mess for me. In my case, I think I would have. I needed & deserved a good kick in the head.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Well my issue is with pills, more than alcohol. He said that if I didn't stay clean I would have to leave. He had the courts to back him up too. He wasn't playing around anymore. The kids come first. I love him for it too. Today we work together to make sure the kids are happy and safe. The rest is just gravy. We are still working on trust but he knows that the kids are safe with me today and that is gold to me.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
First things first, no alcoholic quits drinking until they want to quit drinking.
My wife did everything under the sun trying to get me to cut back or quit to no avail. My wife did everything except work my job for me. She fed me, she became the father to my children, she paid the bills, kept the insurance up to date, in a nut shell she was doing everything for me that I could not or would not do for myself which allowed me to continue to drink with very little pain for me.
Well she finally had enough, she told me that her and the kids were moving out because she was not going to allow our children to watch me drink myself to death! They had a place lined up to move into the following month and I knew she meant business because she had thrown her first husband out.
What did I do when she first told me that? Well I was actually happy because now I could drink in the house without hearing her and the kids gripe!!!! I went out to my garage and started to drink some more to celebrate............... then I had what I refer to as my "Moment of clarity"! I saw my life fast forwarded if I kept on drinking, I saw the immediate lose of every person who I cared about, followed by losiing my home, then my truck and of course my job!!!! This left me with just my bottle and a slow death from alcoholism.
Why did I have that moment of clarity? Because deep inside I think I knew that I could not survive without my wife holding my entire world together.
Seeing my future death if I kept drinking scared the heck out of me, I saw my doctor who sent me to detox, from detox I went into AA.
Now I have been sober for over 2 years, we are still together.
The first thing I would suggest for you is to look out for your well being first, go to Alanon, seek the experience of others that have been through what you are going through now.
Would I suggest leaving him? That is entirely up to you, I can tell you that the more you stop helping him with anything the more he will see how drinking is effecting him. He needs to find a bottom deep enough for him to want to quit drinking more then he wants to continue drinking.
The more you do to help him live his life, the longer he is likely to keep drinking, why quit when there are no consequences that his wife will not fix or take care of. He has to face his alcoholism and all the problems it brings head on and alone. This may take you actually leaving him, it may not.
Go to Alanon and at a minimum learn how to live your life with out letting him destroy it.
My wife did everything under the sun trying to get me to cut back or quit to no avail. My wife did everything except work my job for me. She fed me, she became the father to my children, she paid the bills, kept the insurance up to date, in a nut shell she was doing everything for me that I could not or would not do for myself which allowed me to continue to drink with very little pain for me.
Well she finally had enough, she told me that her and the kids were moving out because she was not going to allow our children to watch me drink myself to death! They had a place lined up to move into the following month and I knew she meant business because she had thrown her first husband out.
What did I do when she first told me that? Well I was actually happy because now I could drink in the house without hearing her and the kids gripe!!!! I went out to my garage and started to drink some more to celebrate............... then I had what I refer to as my "Moment of clarity"! I saw my life fast forwarded if I kept on drinking, I saw the immediate lose of every person who I cared about, followed by losiing my home, then my truck and of course my job!!!! This left me with just my bottle and a slow death from alcoholism.
Why did I have that moment of clarity? Because deep inside I think I knew that I could not survive without my wife holding my entire world together.
Seeing my future death if I kept drinking scared the heck out of me, I saw my doctor who sent me to detox, from detox I went into AA.
Now I have been sober for over 2 years, we are still together.
The first thing I would suggest for you is to look out for your well being first, go to Alanon, seek the experience of others that have been through what you are going through now.
Would I suggest leaving him? That is entirely up to you, I can tell you that the more you stop helping him with anything the more he will see how drinking is effecting him. He needs to find a bottom deep enough for him to want to quit drinking more then he wants to continue drinking.
The more you do to help him live his life, the longer he is likely to keep drinking, why quit when there are no consequences that his wife will not fix or take care of. He has to face his alcoholism and all the problems it brings head on and alone. This may take you actually leaving him, it may not.
Go to Alanon and at a minimum learn how to live your life with out letting him destroy it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your advice and especially sharing your own stories with me. You have helped me greatly.
Right now, I have left with the kids. Not with the plan of ending my marriage, but hoping that HE will decide he wants to quit. I don't want to end my marriage. I hate the very idea of that. But I have been trying to force him to quit and he's cooperated to an extent. I realized Monday that I have been the one doing all the work of getting him to quit. I'm not going to do that anymore. If he chooses to drink, that is his choice. All I can do is take care of my kids and me.
I have decided that I can no longer allow my children to be in his presence when he is drinking. He is not abusive, exactly, but he is harsh and unfair and I can't trust him with the kids when he's drinking. Now, how to accomplish keeping them away from him without totally cutting him out of their lives, I'm not sure how to do. I dread the thought of getting courts and lawyers involved. My kids need their father, but they need a safe, loving father, like he is when sober.
Anyway, we'll see what happens from here. Right now, we're in a good, safe place.
When I left yesterday, he was at work. When he got home he called me. I didn't answer the phone. Then late last night he called to yell at me and tell me that he had packed his bags and HE was leaving. He was sick of my s***. He also said that he had F***** everything up. I'm not sure what he meant by that. I assumed he meant that he had torn up the house.
Many years ago, he would tear up things when he was mad at me. It's been years since he's done that.
Well, I kept calm and tried to calm him down, but he hung up on me. I'm going to try not to call him and just let him have time to think. I imagine he will be drinking a lot tonight--it's New Year's Eve!!
Thank you all again. Any further advice most appreciated.
Right now, I have left with the kids. Not with the plan of ending my marriage, but hoping that HE will decide he wants to quit. I don't want to end my marriage. I hate the very idea of that. But I have been trying to force him to quit and he's cooperated to an extent. I realized Monday that I have been the one doing all the work of getting him to quit. I'm not going to do that anymore. If he chooses to drink, that is his choice. All I can do is take care of my kids and me.
I have decided that I can no longer allow my children to be in his presence when he is drinking. He is not abusive, exactly, but he is harsh and unfair and I can't trust him with the kids when he's drinking. Now, how to accomplish keeping them away from him without totally cutting him out of their lives, I'm not sure how to do. I dread the thought of getting courts and lawyers involved. My kids need their father, but they need a safe, loving father, like he is when sober.
Anyway, we'll see what happens from here. Right now, we're in a good, safe place.
When I left yesterday, he was at work. When he got home he called me. I didn't answer the phone. Then late last night he called to yell at me and tell me that he had packed his bags and HE was leaving. He was sick of my s***. He also said that he had F***** everything up. I'm not sure what he meant by that. I assumed he meant that he had torn up the house.
Many years ago, he would tear up things when he was mad at me. It's been years since he's done that.
Well, I kept calm and tried to calm him down, but he hung up on me. I'm going to try not to call him and just let him have time to think. I imagine he will be drinking a lot tonight--it's New Year's Eve!!
Thank you all again. Any further advice most appreciated.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Leslia the best advice I can give you is to stick to your guns for your sake and your kids.
When I was drinking I would make promises left and right that I was going to change, that I was going to quit or slow down, at the time I actually intended to keep those promises, but being an alcoholic I was incapable of stopping and staying stopped, slowing down for me meant hiding my drinking better.
If he is serious about quitting then have him demonstrate it. If you let him back in because he promises to never drink again ask him what he is going to do to stay stopped? Detox? Rehab? Out patient therapy? The first thing he should do is see a doctor and be honest with the doctor about his drinking.
Go to Alanon and speak to others who have been through what you are doing right now.
If he is going to therapy or AA for the long term that is a sign he may be serious about wanting to stop and stay stopped.
If you let him back in after a few days of him not drinking do not be surprised if you find out he is sneak drinking. I did that many times after swearing "I will never drink again!"
If you let him back in and he is drinking again, then if you put him out or you move out let him know that you 2 will not get back together until he has been sober and going to AA, treatment, or both for a set amount of time and I am not talking about a week or 2. You choose the time.
You have made a big step forward for your self and your kids, hopefully it will also move him to take a big step forward for himself.
When I was drinking I would make promises left and right that I was going to change, that I was going to quit or slow down, at the time I actually intended to keep those promises, but being an alcoholic I was incapable of stopping and staying stopped, slowing down for me meant hiding my drinking better.
If he is serious about quitting then have him demonstrate it. If you let him back in because he promises to never drink again ask him what he is going to do to stay stopped? Detox? Rehab? Out patient therapy? The first thing he should do is see a doctor and be honest with the doctor about his drinking.
Go to Alanon and speak to others who have been through what you are doing right now.
If he is going to therapy or AA for the long term that is a sign he may be serious about wanting to stop and stay stopped.
If you let him back in after a few days of him not drinking do not be surprised if you find out he is sneak drinking. I did that many times after swearing "I will never drink again!"
If you let him back in and he is drinking again, then if you put him out or you move out let him know that you 2 will not get back together until he has been sober and going to AA, treatment, or both for a set amount of time and I am not talking about a week or 2. You choose the time.
You have made a big step forward for your self and your kids, hopefully it will also move him to take a big step forward for himself.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Hi Leslie,
I saw an old post from you, so I see that you've been dealing with this for over 2 years (at least). I'm sorry you've had to put up with this kind of life, for you and your children, for that long. I'm glad you're finally shifting the focus to taking care of yourself and the kids, rather than on catering to an active alcoholic.
I hope you have a fun and safe night with your kids tonight.
I saw an old post from you, so I see that you've been dealing with this for over 2 years (at least). I'm sorry you've had to put up with this kind of life, for you and your children, for that long. I'm glad you're finally shifting the focus to taking care of yourself and the kids, rather than on catering to an active alcoholic.
I hope you have a fun and safe night with your kids tonight.
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