WillHeal

I found out my husband was an A in April. He had been a frequent traveller(35 business trips last year alone) and hid his alcoholism from me for the past 5 years. That same day, I also found out that he had been a serial cheater for the last 1.5 years(8 prostitutes, 1 bar ****, 12 other make out sessions to some degree and ALWAYS scamming for opportunity). We have been together since the age of 17(19 years) and the cheating was only an issue in the last 1.5 years. My request is this, can anyone out there, explain how they loved their wife and turned their back on her for bar whores and prostitutes(sidenote- I've kept myself in really good shape and most people guess me at 28 rather than 37)? Or, can anyone offer examples of doing things that are completely against their morals that they can completely blame alcoholism for? I just can't understand throwing away 19 years of love & friendship/destroying your wife for a hooker(s). My heart is so broken, I barely feel sane.

Important side note, my husband has completely gotten into AA and is becoming the person I always thought he was which is why I'm trying to find a way to forgive/have compassion.

Another note, if you feel strongly that this should not be forgiven, please don't post. That is my natural instinct and I'm trying to hard to find compassion for my husband and to keep our family together(2 children). Right now, I need to hear the other side of it.

Thanks for your help!

Pinkcuda

I don't know how many people are willing to volunteer that information but I will tell you that Alcohol would cause me to become somebody that I would not have become otherwise. I have done a lot of things that I'm not too proud of including, but not limited to, infidelity. I believe that I have strong values and morals and would not do anything like that. But then when drinking all bets are off
The book your husband uses describes the Jekyl and Hyde mentality that a lot of us can relate to. I know I can. I won't minimize my behavior by using that as an excuse though. But it's true.
The past is in the past. It cannot be undone. It's like puting toothpaste back in the tube. You can try but it will only lead to frustration. It's done.
Today is the day we concern ourselves with. Is he doing well today. That's all we really have.
That being said, I think everythings going to be OK. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

CAPTAINZING2000

Round here

we have a saying

I didn't cheat and steal cause I drank, I drank cause I cheated and stole.

His drinking might have been a mask to cover up the bad side . An excuse if you will for his bad behavior.

Are you going going to or, have you considered counseling together?

You'll never forget this but, will you be able to forgive this?

Love, trust and respect are the cornerstones in a good marriage. It's always a tough call to make when, there are kids involved.

Might suggest to you to go to a few AL Anon meetings or, post and read what they have to say on here.

Tommyh

willheal
I did a lot of things when I was drinking I was not proud of.When I sobered up,I was ashamed of myself and I also felt guilty.I was a pretty sick guy when I got to AA.My wife knew of my running around,but she did not know to what extent I did it.
When I did the steps and took inventory,I saw a long list of those sex problems I had.I saw ,to a small extent,how my drinking and behaviour had harmed others,including her.
We took our marriage and had a long talk and decided to stick it out,because as she said,divorce or murder was no options.I agreeded.Honesty was a requirement for us both.Over the years,we have made a lot of progress and 20 yrs later here we are today,happy with a good marriage.It took a lot of forgiveness from her.There was times she would run into one of those other women at a ball game or at the store.She just did the best she could and I did too.Today,I have her trust again.I had to earn it,and early on it wasn`t easy.
I look back and see I really did not know what love was or how to really love my wife.I`m grateful to have her today.I appreciate her today.Today we do have the marriage we always wanted and a good life.
Would I run around on her today?I really don`t think ,so I have no desire too.
If your husband continues to go to AA,he may turn out to be the best husband you could ever want.It`s hard to say,but if you too are honest,and really want your marriage to work,I believe in the Power of AA,the Power of forgiveness, and the Power of two working together.I hope the best for you and your family.

CarolD

Welcome to SR..

I see you have found the Friends & Family Forum too.
That's a good place to find support for your situation.

Yes..drinking did lower my standards in all areas of my life.
Yes...AA recovery has restored my ethics.

Good to know your husband is working on his recovery.
You might find Al anon useful for yourself.

Blessings to you and your family

Tazman53

I was a dog when it came to the ladies when I was drinking, do I blame my alcoholism for my being a dog? No, not really, drinking allowed me to do what I normally would have never done, that I would have simply thought about doing. When I got a few into me all bets were off with my marriage, every lady was a target.

I did what I did, sober or drunk, I now accept full responsibilty for what I did, I have made amends for my wrongs where I could and am willing to make amends where I have not when the opportunity arises. Today I am a changed man thanks to the 12 steps of AA, the biggest amends I make today are living amends, I no longer do what I used to do.

Can I change the past? Absolutely not, but I have found the ability to forgive myself for my past by no longer repeating what I did in the past. I make amends to my wife not by simply saying I am sorry, but by saying I am sorry and making amends for the wrongs I did by being the best husband & father I can be today and staying sober.

My wife did not forgive me right away and I would have been a fool to think she would, but slowly as she has seen that I am no longer the dog I was and continue to make living amends to her and our children, she has found forgiveness in her heart.

I would highly reccommend you thinnk about going to Alanon, trust me you are not alone in this, Alanon will help you deal with this as AA is helping your husband deal with this as well. It took me some time to forgive myself for my past, but by changing myself and acknowledging that if my HP can forgive me for my past I have to forgive myself for my HP is far greater then I am.

Marriage counseling probably would be beneficial to you both as well, there are counselors out there that are recovering alcoholis as well that can be more beneficial to both you and your husband in you both tying alcoholism and marital problems together and how to get past them.

PaulN

I'm speaking only for me.

My wife & I met when I was 18. We married when I was 19. Today, I'm still married to her and we'll celebrate our 25th anniversary in May (God willing! lol).

I took an 8 month sabbatical from her & the marriage at the height of my drinking. I did some of the same things you described your husband doing. I certainly can't speak to your husband, but for me, it was about instant gratification and the need to feel in control. When I wasn't spending my time trying to make someone or something the cause of my problems, I'd get glimpses of what was real and couldn't stand myself. I'd do what ever I had to do, to feel better.

None of that is an excuse and none of it was right ... but it happened and it was real.

After getting sober and doing things suggested by other AA's, I had to face up & own my wrongs. I didn't run to my wife and treat her as a priest attempting to make confession, but there were things that had to be discussed, faced & dealt with. By God's grace, she was in Alanon long before I ever quit drinking, so she had learned and accepted that she wasn't responsible for my drinking. She learned many other things too.

I won't tell you just because I got sober that life immediately got better. But I will tell you with absolute certainty, that it was AA and Alanon both, that saved our marriage.

I married my best friend at 19. Today at almost 45, I'm still married to my best friend. Did she forgive? Yes ... in her time and in her own way ... not mine. Did she forget? No. But she doesn't live back there either.

I had a decision to make in terms of my drinking ... do I want to continue on as I am or do I want to live different. We had the same choice to make in our marriage ... do we want to divorce because of what we know or do we want to work through it and remain together. Each person who has to face this, must come to their own conclusion. Not as a couple, but as an individual ... that's MY experience.

Clearly, you love him. Clearly, you've been deeply hurt. You now have a better idea, that you're not alone. There is help available for you, and it's my suggestion as someone else said, to do some checking on Alanon. Your husband will either take a hold of the AA program or he will not. As YOU get better, you will come to the right decision for you.

I'll say a prayer for both of you.

pointmagnet

Okay here is a different side to this story.

I travel on business about 150 work-days per year. I like the travelling life, eating at good restaurants and staying at nice hotels.

But my wife had an urge and decided to cheat on me. And I wasn't even travelling when she started the affair. And I wasn't drinking at the time either!

So please don't go blaming marriage problems on the "betrayed spouse's" drinking. It goes much deeper than that. If your spouse has an affair, it's their decision and you had no part of it!

Oh how I hate it when a cheater blames someone else for their problems.