The 2 Year Blues
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 6
The 2 Year Blues
Dear Members,
I am in my mid-20's, my third year of dental school, and I am just now about 2 years sober. I used to binge drink (12 - 20 drinks) about 3 - 4 nights per week, and drink heavily every night for sometimes several weeks straight if I was on break from school. I started drinking when I was 15 and basically the only thing I ever really wanted to do for fun for the last 10 years was get drunk. Parties, dinners, rent-a-movie nights, didn't matter; I was just hoping to drink. I tried to quit on many occasions but never made it longer than a week or two. I quit cold turkey about two years ago, and haven't had a sip of alcohol since. Great!
Unfortunately, I have become quite depressed during this period of time. Things were really bad about one year ago; I had the typical symptoms of hopelessness, recurrent thoughts of death, sudden urges to cry, and a complete lack of motivation to do anything. Needless to say this hopelessness and lack of motivation made dental school significantly more difficult for me, but I've managed to fight through so far. The problem I have now is my avolition - my complete lack of desire to do anything. Since I quit drinking, alcohol no longer sounds good to me, but neither does anything else. Vacations, dinners, movies, parties (sober ones), nothing sounds good. And further, I am having a terrible time trying to get off my butt when I have free time to go to the gym or to study (which I must do). I just want to sit and stare at the wall (literally).
I started taking meds a year ago (standard anti-depressants like prozac) and they do help some; the recurrent thoughts of death and urges to cry are completely gone. I don't feel particularly hopeless. The main issue is that I have absolutely no drive to do anything. I only do what I absolutely have to, which is obvisously a fair bit being a student. Still, I spend a ton of time just spinning my wheels in the sand; I am supposed to be studying, but I just stare at the book (even if the book itself is interesting). I am supposed to go exercise, and I plan to all day, but when it comes time, I can't get out of my car to go the gym. When I return from the grocery store and park in my driveway, I have to force myself to get out of the car. I'd rather not.
So that's my situation and I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with something similar. I really, really need to get my motivation back. I gave up a great deal when I quit drinking, and expected that over time I would feel I got something back. As it is, I am, for the first time in my life, truly unhappy. Maybe I was always depressed and the alcohol was just self-medication, or maybe the alcohol messed up my brain and brought on the depression. I thought for sure that after TWO YEARS my mental health would improve, that I would be like a normal person who looks forward to things, has some drive, etc.
Arrgh.
I am in my mid-20's, my third year of dental school, and I am just now about 2 years sober. I used to binge drink (12 - 20 drinks) about 3 - 4 nights per week, and drink heavily every night for sometimes several weeks straight if I was on break from school. I started drinking when I was 15 and basically the only thing I ever really wanted to do for fun for the last 10 years was get drunk. Parties, dinners, rent-a-movie nights, didn't matter; I was just hoping to drink. I tried to quit on many occasions but never made it longer than a week or two. I quit cold turkey about two years ago, and haven't had a sip of alcohol since. Great!
Unfortunately, I have become quite depressed during this period of time. Things were really bad about one year ago; I had the typical symptoms of hopelessness, recurrent thoughts of death, sudden urges to cry, and a complete lack of motivation to do anything. Needless to say this hopelessness and lack of motivation made dental school significantly more difficult for me, but I've managed to fight through so far. The problem I have now is my avolition - my complete lack of desire to do anything. Since I quit drinking, alcohol no longer sounds good to me, but neither does anything else. Vacations, dinners, movies, parties (sober ones), nothing sounds good. And further, I am having a terrible time trying to get off my butt when I have free time to go to the gym or to study (which I must do). I just want to sit and stare at the wall (literally).
I started taking meds a year ago (standard anti-depressants like prozac) and they do help some; the recurrent thoughts of death and urges to cry are completely gone. I don't feel particularly hopeless. The main issue is that I have absolutely no drive to do anything. I only do what I absolutely have to, which is obvisously a fair bit being a student. Still, I spend a ton of time just spinning my wheels in the sand; I am supposed to be studying, but I just stare at the book (even if the book itself is interesting). I am supposed to go exercise, and I plan to all day, but when it comes time, I can't get out of my car to go the gym. When I return from the grocery store and park in my driveway, I have to force myself to get out of the car. I'd rather not.
So that's my situation and I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with something similar. I really, really need to get my motivation back. I gave up a great deal when I quit drinking, and expected that over time I would feel I got something back. As it is, I am, for the first time in my life, truly unhappy. Maybe I was always depressed and the alcohol was just self-medication, or maybe the alcohol messed up my brain and brought on the depression. I thought for sure that after TWO YEARS my mental health would improve, that I would be like a normal person who looks forward to things, has some drive, etc.
Arrgh.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
In my experience - just abstaining from alcohol gave me results quite like you describe above...in fact VERY similair.
When I got a sense that maybe alcohol was treating symptoms (look at it as my 'medicine') - and that it had to be replaced..I just didn't know what could replace it because alcohol, chemicals started producing results that were less desireable - in fact, downright unbearable.
I found a solution, spiritual in nature - and my world changed. Light shone again on my life. When I approached alcoholism as a spiritual disease with definite physical correalations, it made sense. So I went through those 12 steps and live a life that makes sense to me today.
I can get out of my car today and go into the store. I don't necessarily get out of bed in the morning with a set purpose - but there is purpose underlying everything. Once I saw this, experienced this - I could not deny it's truth. So those tough days are less frequent...and the flat times are enjoyable.
It's there if you want it. A two year separation from alcohol is a pretty good start.
When I got a sense that maybe alcohol was treating symptoms (look at it as my 'medicine') - and that it had to be replaced..I just didn't know what could replace it because alcohol, chemicals started producing results that were less desireable - in fact, downright unbearable.
I found a solution, spiritual in nature - and my world changed. Light shone again on my life. When I approached alcoholism as a spiritual disease with definite physical correalations, it made sense. So I went through those 12 steps and live a life that makes sense to me today.
I can get out of my car today and go into the store. I don't necessarily get out of bed in the morning with a set purpose - but there is purpose underlying everything. Once I saw this, experienced this - I could not deny it's truth. So those tough days are less frequent...and the flat times are enjoyable.
It's there if you want it. A two year separation from alcohol is a pretty good start.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Originally Posted by sugErspun 
In my experience - just abstaining from alcohol gave me results quite like you describe above...in fact VERY similair.
When I got a sense that maybe alcohol was treating symptoms (look at it as my 'medicine') - and that it had to be replaced..I just didn't know what could replace it because alcohol, chemicals started producing results that were less desireable - in fact, downright unbearable.
I found a solution, spiritual in nature - and my world changed. Light shone again on my life. When I approached alcoholism as a spiritual disease with definite physical correalations, it made sense. So I went through those 12 steps and live a life that makes sense to me today.
I can get out of my car today and go into the store. I don't necessarily get out of bed in the morning with a set purpose - but there is purpose underlying everything. Once I saw this, experienced this - I could not deny it's truth. So those tough days are less frequent...and the flat times are enjoyable.
It's there if you want it. A two year separation from alcohol is a pretty good start.
When I got a sense that maybe alcohol was treating symptoms (look at it as my 'medicine') - and that it had to be replaced..I just didn't know what could replace it because alcohol, chemicals started producing results that were less desireable - in fact, downright unbearable.
I found a solution, spiritual in nature - and my world changed. Light shone again on my life. When I approached alcoholism as a spiritual disease with definite physical correalations, it made sense. So I went through those 12 steps and live a life that makes sense to me today.
I can get out of my car today and go into the store. I don't necessarily get out of bed in the morning with a set purpose - but there is purpose underlying everything. Once I saw this, experienced this - I could not deny it's truth. So those tough days are less frequent...and the flat times are enjoyable.
It's there if you want it. A two year separation from alcohol is a pretty good start.
Hope3:bounce
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Yes, today so much of my recovery is the fellowship of AA, working the 12 steps, and giving back what was so freely given to me. I can not imagine if I quit drinking and never connected in recovery. I would be miserable as well. Try something new! What have you got to lose?
Bu the way, WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!! You are not alone and never have to be again unless you choose to be.
Bu the way, WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!! You are not alone and never have to be again unless you choose to be.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,387
Coming from a non 12 step perspective I'd check with your doc - check your meds, maybe see a counsellor.
I haven't quite got two years but I've had periods like you describe - in the absence of anything else, I've ascribed them to PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) because they start and end quite spontaneously. I've heard of effects persisting on and off for 2 years.
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrom (PAWS)
When a malaise hits me, I'll try to work through it - remember that how I'm feeling is not necessarily how I am....
I try to keep busy, be of service to others, also be good to myself - if I can't make it thru myself, I seek help
D
I haven't quite got two years but I've had periods like you describe - in the absence of anything else, I've ascribed them to PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) because they start and end quite spontaneously. I've heard of effects persisting on and off for 2 years.
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrom (PAWS)
When a malaise hits me, I'll try to work through it - remember that how I'm feeling is not necessarily how I am....
I try to keep busy, be of service to others, also be good to myself - if I can't make it thru myself, I seek help
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi and welcome,
I identified strongly with your post. I have been depressed since my teens, but didn't recognize or treat it until my late 20's/early 30's. I've been sober nearly 2.5 years but I still experience periods of unhappiness/malaise on occasion. I can identify completely with having the intention to do something i.e. going to the gym but finding ourselves unable to follow through.
I do suggest seeing your doctor - you may need a change of medication. I have gone 'flat' on some meds, where, although I was relieved to no longer be contemplating suicide, I couldn't feel much of anything. I was apathetic, at best. On my current meds, I'm still flat, but better than it used to be.
I'm a 12-Stepper who got sober in AA, and I agree with a previous poster who referred to alcoholism as a spiritual condition with physical correlations; without alcohol, before recovery, I was miserable, suicidal, depressed, raging, sad, confused, etc. I needed a solution besides not drinking, and I found that by working the steps and connecting face to face with others in recovery.
I hope you continue to post and let us know how you are doing. Whatever path you take, know that sobriety can be a joyful experience for you, too.
I identified strongly with your post. I have been depressed since my teens, but didn't recognize or treat it until my late 20's/early 30's. I've been sober nearly 2.5 years but I still experience periods of unhappiness/malaise on occasion. I can identify completely with having the intention to do something i.e. going to the gym but finding ourselves unable to follow through.
I do suggest seeing your doctor - you may need a change of medication. I have gone 'flat' on some meds, where, although I was relieved to no longer be contemplating suicide, I couldn't feel much of anything. I was apathetic, at best. On my current meds, I'm still flat, but better than it used to be.
I'm a 12-Stepper who got sober in AA, and I agree with a previous poster who referred to alcoholism as a spiritual condition with physical correlations; without alcohol, before recovery, I was miserable, suicidal, depressed, raging, sad, confused, etc. I needed a solution besides not drinking, and I found that by working the steps and connecting face to face with others in recovery.
I hope you continue to post and let us know how you are doing. Whatever path you take, know that sobriety can be a joyful experience for you, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
SoberSoWhat.. thanks so much for your post and welcome.
I can relate to you.. I have the 22 year blues.. It's something I am totally powerless over. I lost a part of my body this past fall and its changed my life completely. The medical staff told me feeling depressed is normal for what I went through.
I normally have no issues with depression. This is something I feel powerless over. So what can I do about it? Continue to work the 12 steps and try to live in the solution rather than the problem. Lots of AA meetings. Lots of reading and Lots of Praying. Staying in close contact with my HP and AA friends.. not sick within myself.
This too shall pass, I just need to keep stumbling in the right direction.
I hope you find your direction.. I found mine in AA.
I can relate to you.. I have the 22 year blues.. It's something I am totally powerless over. I lost a part of my body this past fall and its changed my life completely. The medical staff told me feeling depressed is normal for what I went through.
I normally have no issues with depression. This is something I feel powerless over. So what can I do about it? Continue to work the 12 steps and try to live in the solution rather than the problem. Lots of AA meetings. Lots of reading and Lots of Praying. Staying in close contact with my HP and AA friends.. not sick within myself.
This too shall pass, I just need to keep stumbling in the right direction.
I hope you find your direction.. I found mine in AA.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
It sounded like you were describing me! Those periods come and go. Some seem longer and more insufferable than others.
But I only feel that way when I'm consumed with myself, what I want, what I need, what I'm thinking, etc. When I spend time around a variety of people who are also recovering alcoholics, I feel helpful and needed -- like I'm a contributing member of a community. My thinking becomes more "community-centered" and my life has purpose again. Like many others, I found that community in AA.
The hard part (for me) is finding a balance. I tend to either be completely isolated and depressed, or I go in the other direction, staying so busy with so many people that the days fly by without notice. But I'm getting better with that ... it's still hard sometimes.
I hope you keep posting. What you're feeling will come and go. But you don't have to feel that way alone. I'm glad you're here ...
But I only feel that way when I'm consumed with myself, what I want, what I need, what I'm thinking, etc. When I spend time around a variety of people who are also recovering alcoholics, I feel helpful and needed -- like I'm a contributing member of a community. My thinking becomes more "community-centered" and my life has purpose again. Like many others, I found that community in AA.
The hard part (for me) is finding a balance. I tend to either be completely isolated and depressed, or I go in the other direction, staying so busy with so many people that the days fly by without notice. But I'm getting better with that ... it's still hard sometimes.
I hope you keep posting. What you're feeling will come and go. But you don't have to feel that way alone. I'm glad you're here ...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
yep...the problem once I got sober was that I had so many other things that I have to work on changing! I guess I figure if it was as easy as just not drinking, a site like this wouldn't exsist...or people wouldn't continue to hang around each othere and talk about sobriety after they got past the withdrawal and starting out part.
Keep comeing and reading and working on your self....I really does get better with a little work on my part and a good dose of believing in better things to come.
Keep comeing and reading and working on your self....I really does get better with a little work on my part and a good dose of believing in better things to come.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Might have taken me 2 years for all the nasty things to leave my body 
I drank and took drugs for 30 years though.
I reprogrammed my mind. Took a deep look at myself and my surroundings. I discarded people places and things that, were harmful to me. I surrounded myself with positive people. Started reading uplifting articles. Started praying more and I started walking.
have you ever tried to do an inventory of yourself? Focus yourself on your short term goals and long term goals.
If, you do go to a Dr. make sure, you tell him of your drinking problem. I grit my teeth at substituting one bad habit for another one if, it can be avoided.
I'm as happy today as I allow myself to be
I drank and took drugs for 30 years though.
I reprogrammed my mind. Took a deep look at myself and my surroundings. I discarded people places and things that, were harmful to me. I surrounded myself with positive people. Started reading uplifting articles. Started praying more and I started walking.
have you ever tried to do an inventory of yourself? Focus yourself on your short term goals and long term goals.
If, you do go to a Dr. make sure, you tell him of your drinking problem. I grit my teeth at substituting one bad habit for another one if, it can be avoided.
I'm as happy today as I allow myself to be
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
i can relate. i am just at one year and three months, and i seem to go through periods like the one you describe every couple of weeks or so. i too am taking prozac, and it's helped with the hopelessness, but i have little of the motivation that i once had in spades.
one of the things i'm working on now is to "give myself a break" about how i am feeling from day to day. i realized that i tend to chastise myself for not living up to some ideal about how i should behave and how productive i should be. like someone else said, too, these periods are usually accompanied by obsessive thought about me, me, me. that never helps.
for information, i have a sponsor and have been through the steps with him. i have been doing nightly inventory more regularly than i had been, and it's helping a lot. i am also getting more regular about praying and meditating.
i guess i'm adjusting to how much "maintenance" i need to remain spiritually fit. i used to think i was just "wash n' go", but i realize now that that is no longer the case.
m
one of the things i'm working on now is to "give myself a break" about how i am feeling from day to day. i realized that i tend to chastise myself for not living up to some ideal about how i should behave and how productive i should be. like someone else said, too, these periods are usually accompanied by obsessive thought about me, me, me. that never helps.
for information, i have a sponsor and have been through the steps with him. i have been doing nightly inventory more regularly than i had been, and it's helping a lot. i am also getting more regular about praying and meditating.
i guess i'm adjusting to how much "maintenance" i need to remain spiritually fit. i used to think i was just "wash n' go", but i realize now that that is no longer the case.
m
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
You're right, you were self-medicating with alcohol. Now that you've completely removed that from your brain, and you notice your mood hasn't changed, you've got to focus on your mood.
As a medical scientist, you've discovered that the alcohol solution doesn't work to make you happy. It only works to remove your awareness of your mood for a few hours. Being that drunk is basically a walking sleep. You can't remember yourself at the time you were doing it.
So now that you've tested that approach and found it doesn't work, you should continue working on the antidepressent meds. I personally don't think we can will ourselves to happiness. I think there is a lot of genetic chemical makeup in our brain involved in our natural demeanor.
So, i'd continue to work with your psych doctor. If prozac doesn't work, try something else. Just like all patients don't respond well to Novocain, but they need a nerve deadener so their mouth disease can be fixed, so too not everyone responds to Prozac.
You sound like you have some bipolar symptoms. You can focus intensely for periods of time (or else you'd have flunked dental school). But then you have intense low periods.
One woman wrote about her years in med school as she was afflicted with biploar, and how she almost died, but then received the proper treatment, and is living with her situation today.
I read this book and enjoyed it:
Amazon.com: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness: Kay Redfield Jamison: Books
If alcohol was the cause of your blue mood, your happiness would have returned long ago. So, the cause can't be alcohol, though you're correct your use of alcohol was to medicate the problem.
As a medical scientist, you've discovered that the alcohol solution doesn't work to make you happy. It only works to remove your awareness of your mood for a few hours. Being that drunk is basically a walking sleep. You can't remember yourself at the time you were doing it.
So now that you've tested that approach and found it doesn't work, you should continue working on the antidepressent meds. I personally don't think we can will ourselves to happiness. I think there is a lot of genetic chemical makeup in our brain involved in our natural demeanor.
So, i'd continue to work with your psych doctor. If prozac doesn't work, try something else. Just like all patients don't respond well to Novocain, but they need a nerve deadener so their mouth disease can be fixed, so too not everyone responds to Prozac.
You sound like you have some bipolar symptoms. You can focus intensely for periods of time (or else you'd have flunked dental school). But then you have intense low periods.
One woman wrote about her years in med school as she was afflicted with biploar, and how she almost died, but then received the proper treatment, and is living with her situation today.
I read this book and enjoyed it:
Amazon.com: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness: Kay Redfield Jamison: Books
If alcohol was the cause of your blue mood, your happiness would have returned long ago. So, the cause can't be alcohol, though you're correct your use of alcohol was to medicate the problem.
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