Kellye C

I remember feeling like that. In fact I was telling my story at a detox facility tonight and saying something along those same lines. I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn't want to go to AA because that would make it final. I wanted to be able to handle it on my own. Finally I had to get to the point where I couldn't. I just couldn't go on anymore, I was killing myself one drink at a time and was left with no choice but to seek help or die. I wanted to live so I went to AA and have been there ever since.

I hope you find the answers that you need! Your post just struck a chord with me and I felt compelled to respond.

Hugs,
Kellye

sicilia1414

I really hate to keep quoting other people but you guys are just taking the words right out of my mouth!!

my biggest fear is not hitting rock bottom, and continuing this horrible lifestyle. I also have a fear of AA meetings, I want to go, I know that I NEED to go... in fact they hold meetings literally in the church that shares the same parking lot of my condo building, but I am not really a people person, i am nervous to meet new people and talk. can i just go and listen? will people try to talk to me and make me tell them my story? you always have this vision of how the meetings are, from watching it on tv or in movies, and i really don't know if i am ready to get up on a microphone and tell strangers my entire life story.

Tazman53

That is actually the best way to start, I found that when I was talking I was learning nothing nor was I able to connect with anything.

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking! That is it!

I know a guy who has been sober (I think) 3-4 years that shared that he did not say a word in a meeting for the first year and he went to at least a meeting every day.

There are no rules in AA, no one tells you what to do, you do not have to say a word!

As long as one is being respectful of others in a meeting there is never a problem.

BTW people (myself included) have gone to AA meetings DRUNK!!!! I was still made welcome, people there were friendly to me, heck they even gave me a free Big Book!

Why not go to a meeting? Walk in, get a cup of coffee (it is free), take a chair in the back of the room, and just listen. If they ask for newcomers to introduce thier selfs by their first name, just sit there...... trust me you will not be the first, nor the last person to not introduce them selfs.

Just have a look around at the folks in the room, you will see some folks laughing and talking, with a gleam in thier eye! Guess what? They were right where you are at now at one time. If you decide you want what they have just start doing what they do.

Mariposa18

KellyeC~ Thank you so much for your post =) That's exactly what it is! It's like I've told a few people, but they tell me I don't have a problem, so I keep holding on to that. I'm absolutely petrified of going to a meeting and having that "A-HA!" moment. I mean, seriously, how much longer can I fool myself? It's obvious my drinking is not something I can control, and the longer I tell myself I don't need anyone and can do it alone the longer it will take me to come to terms with it.

Another thing that scares me, is seeing someone I know there. Mainly because I've lived in the same area for 21 years and people here GOSSIP!!!!!!

Tazman53

Mariposa when I was finally ready to do anything to get and stay sober the last worry I had was about some gossip saying "I heard that Martin goes to AA!" That is a whole lot better then some gossip saying "You know Martin gotten arrested last night for a DUI, I think he may be an alcoholic."

Mariposa18

ITA and you make complete and total sense. My problem is, has been all my life, that I worry too much about what others think. I want them to like me, to not think I'm *messed up*, and I know how to hide my demons very well. I know what I need to do, I just don't know if I have the strength to do it...

I know I need to worry about myself and getting better, so why is it that even knowing this, it's so hard!!!!

sicilia1414

Mari,

I know exactly what you mean. I am young, successful, just bought a beautiful condo, have a great job, drive a nice car... I have lived in my town my entire life. My parents live right down the street from me and we are very well known within my community.

My entire life I have put on this big front like I am so strong and put together, but on the inside I was a hot mess. I still am a hot mess. The thought of actually opening up and showing people that I am not as perfect as they all think I am makes me sick to my stomach.

but like you said, we need to start worrying about ourselves and not what everyone else thinks....

sicilia1414

And Tazman,

thanks for the info on the meeting, I am going to go to one this week and check it out. I won't know until I try, I guess.

and what's the big book? is that the bible???

Kellye C

I'm happy to hear that you all are at least considering a meeting. Just because you set foot in one does NOT mean you have to tell them your name or a word about yourself if you don't want to. If somebody were to ask you if you wanted to say something all you have to do is say "I'm just here to listen". Period. No questions asked. Happens all the time.

The Big Book is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and that is our basic text that outlines our program on the first 164 pages and then the rest of it is made up of people's stories who have sobered up in AA. You can read it online if you are interested but I will warn you that chances are good that you will find yourself somewhere in those pages if you are an alcoholic and it makes it harder to deny when you are staring at yourself in black and white!

As for wondering what others will think, bear in mind they are in there for the same reasons so chances are they are more concerned about what people might think of them. That is something we learn in there. We are WAY more concerned with others opinions of us than others are. They are too busy focused on their own stuff to worry about you!

I hope you will set fear aside and go in with an open mind and while there I hope you will focus on the similarities rather than the differences. Had I focused on the differences I would have run screaming into the night cause there were some scary looking people in my group but I stayed and listened for the common bond and I heard it. Those scary looking people are now ones I have come to know and love!!

Best to you. Please PM me if I can be of any help!

Hugs,
Kellye

sicilia1414

Thanks so much Kellye for explaining. I am going to check a meeting out..part of me is scared and part of me is tired/lazy. I work all day so when I get home I just want to plop on the couch.

And I also am worried about going there and being around people that don't really want to be there. Like Tazman said, he went drunk before? do poeple do that? that would get on my nerves. and i know some people who HAVE to go because the court ordered them to, since they got a DUI. If i go, I want to open up to people like me, who want to be there and want to get better. I just hope i don't end up with a room full of circus acts.

Kellye C

I can only speak for the way things are at my group. On occasion a drunk person does show up. As long as they are not disruptive to the meeting they are more than welcome to sit and listen. If they become disruptive then several members of that persons same sex will generally invite that person to the back room or outside so they can talk with them without disrupting the meeting. We do have a lot of people there that are court ordered and many are not happy about it at first but with time a lot of them get to know us and start to enjoy coming. Some continue to come even when their time to be on paper is up.

By far the majority of the people at our meetings are there because they want to be. If you go you will be able to pick them out at your group. They will be laughing and smiling. They will freely talk about all that the AA program has given them. They will come early and/or stay late to fellowship with fellow alcoholics. They will extend their hand in welcome to the newcomer who is sitting there like a deer caught in the headlights.


You see in AA we are not a glum lot, we insist on enjoying life. You probably have preconceived notions of what a meeting and the people will be like but if you go in with an open mind you might be pleasantly surprised! If not, give it several shots to make sure it wasn't just an off night and then try another group close to home. Not all groups are a good fit for everyone.

Anyway I am happy to hear you are ready to give it a shot. If you will expand at least 50 percent of the time and effort you spent on drinking into your recovery you will be amazed!

Hugs,
Kellye

sicilia1414

haha! this is TOTALLY going to be me tomorrow.

I wish I could wear my huge paris hilton sunglasses but I am sure that will just draw way more attention to myself and they will probably think i am drunk.

thanks again kellye, you rock! I will sure to update you when i get home tomorrow.

sicilia1414

that is so good to hear! I am very happy for you.

oh, and btw..i LOVE pelicans!

Kellye C

Great! Can't wait to hear about your first experience!

sicilia1414

It is about 5 pm and I am leaving work shortly...the meeting is at 7.30. I am freaking out but I am forcing myself to go. It is supposed to start snowing so I just hope that I don't show up and there is only 3 people there.... how many people are usually there?

sicilia1414

Me too....I keep going over the situations in my head and playing them out. It makes me anxious just thinking about it. I couldn't even listen to the radio today because certain songs would remind me of times I was drunk at a bar having fun, and it would make me crave a drink.

getr345

Just the opposite for me. Music has been like the drug that I don't need to ever stop doing and some songs I have heard since I stopped drinking hit me with new meanings, some songs just made me feel really good, or really proud. In fact, I credit the first two songs off the new Metallica record with lighting the fire under my ass that needed to be lit. ~That Was Just Your Life~ & ~The End of The Line~

Recovery is like a rebirth for me, and I'm looking at life in a whole new way, and that includes music.

MagicMan08

Yeah, I kind of forgot how much I really loved music when I was drinking all the time. My fears are getting better, but life always has some kind of conflict it seems. I have been having using dreams lately, I fear those

CleanandSober44

Hello sicilia1414, Did you go to the meeting? I hope you did. Ive been going to meetings for approx 28 years and Im only 42. Went to my first one at age 14. I was freaked out at first, but then, the people there make you feel welcome.
Ive never worked the steps like I should. And because of that, I guess thats why I have been drinking off and on all my life. I had three and a half years six months ago and started drinking again and taking opiates. We'll, Im 60 days without now and feeling good. So, I guess I beter work the steps this time and see what it is the people are AA are always talking about. Maybe I can get something out of working the program.

Anyhow, your a young woman by the look of your photo.

Go to AA and work it. Give it a try.
Please let us know if you went to the meeting the other night,

Michael

CarolD

Hi Everyone....
I pulled these posts from another thread
because I think it deserves it's own space.

Here is the other thread...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...gest-fear.html

Thanks for sharing...