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Tough Love Approach...

Old 12-01-2008, 01:23 AM
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Tough Love Approach...

I've been watching a lot of the A+E intervention episodes on You Tube lately and just got done watching "A+E after treatment". This was where they brought back past participants to see how well they were doing and to field questions from the audience. At the time they had done 97 interventions, of that 2 didn't go to treatment leaving 95 who did go to rehab. So of the 95 who went to rehab 71 were still sober meaning they had a success rate of about 75%. Anyone who has looked at the actual statistics for rehabs knows that 75% success is unheard of in the industry.

But anyhow back to the topic, the standard approach of the intervention seems to be a "Tough Love" approach. The family threatens to cut off all contact and financial support if the person refuses treatment. Many times the person is told they could no longer live in the house and would be out on the streets if they refuse. The ultimatum seems to leave little wiggle room and the person usually surrenders to treatment.

Now I have a case in point, I have a neighbor who has a 28 year old son who is an alcoholic and drug user. She asked me to talk to him and he wants nothing to do with AA nor does he have any desire to change his ways. His mother and stepfather are trying the "Tough Love" approach by calling the cops or locking him out of the house when he comes home drunk. The cops were also called last week because he got into a physical altercation with the step father. In his case this approach doesn't seem to be helping.

Having been through the wringer with alcohol myself I thought I would have some sage advice to give him but apparently I was wrong. Everything I said to him went in one ear and out the other, he wants nothing to do with AA or any other support group or any professional help. What can you really do in a case like this? Is "Tough Love" the best way to go or will that only drive them further apart?
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Old 12-01-2008, 01:57 AM
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Hmmm...
If you are asking what the parents should do....perhaps
giving them this URL and letting them check outt our
Friends and Family Forum would be beneficial.

When my 2 young adult children were active in various
addictions I did find Al anon immensley helpful.

For you....you did what you could.
That's all I know you can do...
assuming you are praying for all of them.
Prayer is awesome....it helps me when dealing with others.

I've not been part of an intervention so I can't discuss them.

I am a serious doubter of all statistics...bad or good...
All I know for certain is
that I am 100% successfully AA recovered.

It's a sad situation and I hope the young man will survive addiction.

My 2 children are now 52 53....they began as teens.
One has months sober...the other 5 years.
I pray they will continue to be healthy....
that they will survive.

Last edited by CarolD; 12-01-2008 at 02:18 AM.
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:10 AM
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Thanks Carol, I did suggest Al Anon and I'll tell them to check out this site also. From what I have seen with them the whole "get tough" approach is not working, if anything it has driven them all further apart.
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Old 12-01-2008, 05:49 AM
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My son and brother are alchoholic.

I do what I feel comfortable with myself doing...it isn't about him getting sober, but about what will I be ok with myself doing...how can I live my life in a happy productive way.

For some tought love is what makes them feel ok about things...like they have done what they can???? (thats what other family members tell me anyway).

For others something different works. That would be me.....I provide my son with a home, food, etc. And I guess I figure it's his problem if he ends up jobless, homeless and alone at some point....I know that I am comfortable with my life and my choices today (always subject to change of course).

I am as powerless over other's drinking as I am over my own.
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Old 12-01-2008, 08:41 AM
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I watched the show you are speakiing about, every single person they had on there that had stayed sober/clean was either active in AA or NA, they had one guy on thier that claimed he was "clean" and when he said that his mother said "Maybe you are clean today!".

I have watched those shows before and the whole focus of the interventions is not to get them into AA, NA, or any other program, it is to simply get the person with the problem into rehab.

My experience was that as long as I was still drinking there was no way I was going to try AA or any other program to get sober. I had to hit the point where the only thing I had left was a detox to get me sober............ Once I got sober via detox, my head was clear enough then and only then to where I could finally see that in order to stay sober I needed a program! In detox they suggested AA, it worked for me.

That particular show brought tears to my eyes more then once when I heard those folks share about thier recovery.
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Old 12-01-2008, 11:40 AM
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I am an alcoholic. In January of '79 when I was 33 1/2 year old, my parents said NO MORE. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I attempted to break in the cops would be called. And.............................THEY MEANT IT.

It took me 2 and 1/2 more years to find recovery and the last year and half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird, 3000 miles away from them. Only when I had reached my own 'saturation point' (or my bottom) was I ready for recovery, and then had to die in the process.

I believe what you see on "Intervention" is the family with the help of PROFESSIONALS bringing the persons 'bottom' sooner. And with many of the interventions, you will notice that many of them did relapse after rehab, before actually finding recovery. The knowledge and the tools they received in their rehab time, screwed up their drinking and using.

The parents have to decide what they are willing to tolerate and what they are not. Alanon and counseling for them can help them with this.

My mom and dad didn't go to alanon, they had just reached the end of their rope, and years later told me had they not done what they did, they were both going to end up in padded cells in the insane asylum. That's how bad it was.

Did I forgive them, you bet I did once in recovery. I was more fearful that they would never be able to forgive me, and of all the amends I had to make, that was the hardest. But, I am happy to say that I was able to have some really good times with both mom and dad before their individual demise.

So in my case, you bet TOUGH LOVE WORKED!!!!!!

You have my permission to print this post out and give it to them.

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-01-2008, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne View Post
What can you really do in a case like this? Is "Tough Love" the best way to go or will that only drive them further apart?
I have watched my sponsor try many different approach's with dozens of sponsee's and have noticed that the only ones who stay sober are the ones willing enough to accept some for of criticism.

He has developed a strategy of starting off gentle and gradually turning up the pressure with them. Many times it drives them away but when it works, it seems to work much faster than the gentle approach.

Good sponsors care about peoples feelings -

The best sponsors care about peoples LIFE -

Sometimes the good is the enemy of the best.
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