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if you are having blackouts, how much can you believe about what people tell you?



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if you are having blackouts, how much can you believe about what people tell you?

Old 11-27-2008, 07:12 PM
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if you are having blackouts, how much can you believe about what people tell you?

as i've mentioned recently, i've had some blackouts. i remember some things vividly.....others i do not. i am wondering if my BF is using the knowledge of my admission of blackouts to guilt trip me or manipulate me. other than getting sober, how can i ever know for sure? this is critical information that i must know for certain.

there is also the possibility that other people are lying to HIM. i am trusting no one at this point, other than my closest friends of like five to twenty years.........and my family. my new "friends" are no longer my friends!!!!
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:16 PM
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I blacked out very often when I drank. I don't miss waking up not remembering the night before. It no longer matters to me what I did or what I said. I keep the focus on ME, and on my recovery.

I suggest you will never know for certain what happened when you blacked out - and the best way to avoid this happening again is to stay sober.
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:57 PM
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i agree wholeheartedly. but i have to know if he is lying to me and i have a way of finding out but it involves the police. very complicated situation.
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:57 PM
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that is why blackouts are scary to most - because you are at other people's mercy. they can use your admission of a blackout to manipulate, scare, and torture you. one time i was asking my friend if "anything happened" while i was blacked out. he replied, "well, besides you swearing at that police officer and getting written up...no" i spent the rest of the day trying to figure out whether he was serious. he wasnt thank god but that whole conversation was really uncomfortable.
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:05 PM
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Most of my drinking was done in isolation so therefore most of my blackouts were just me as well but there were some that others were there for. For me there was always just a shadow of a memory so if somebody told me something it usually either had a ring of truth to it and would prompt me to maybe remember some tiny little something to tie it in or a bruise or something to back it up but I have a friend who for some reason loves to exaggerate things and swears things happen a certain way when I know for a fact they didn't because I WAS STONE COLD SOBER so if I didn't have that little shadow of a memory to jibe with what she said I did then I am pretty sure it was either BS or so grossly exaggerated that it no longer resembed reality.

I hope you find out what you need to know, I guess blackouts are different for all of us as some have no recall while others may have a shadow of a memory.

Good luck!
Kellye
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:05 PM
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I'm with Ro on this one - you're looking at this the wrong way round.

Stop drinking and you never have to rely on other people's accounts of your behaviour again.

I think you've a far better chance of knowing whats going on - and deciding whether your BF is being manipulative - when you're sober.

Focusing on stuff like this is just distracting you from the real problem of yr drinking, IMO, shugabooga.

D
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:29 PM
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I like kellye pretty much drank alone for quite a few years now..so if I did black out I was not in a place that I could get into much trouble. I am a black out drinker, but have had friends who I talk to on phone, or whom might come over tell me stuff that I did or said and it would trigger vague memories. If someone lies to you about a blackout, hmmmm..i would say they are not really a friend. I am happy that I have not had a black out, hangover etc for almost a month....It makes me feel great about that. Only way to avoid the blackouts is not to drink, that is the only cure....
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Old 11-27-2008, 08:50 PM
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i have stopped.

it's weird about the blackouts.

because i've always been able to recall things if reminded as one of you mentioned. but i guess total blackouts are a result of the progression of the disease.

but i have to find out if he is lying because if he is, he has ISSUES. and if he is telling the truth, then we both have issues. we were both pretty drunk at the time, and at the police station........so i have to find out what happened. but i have to wait until AFTER the court date.

i must find out for certain. it is critical. i can't go into detail, but i must know for certain.
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Old 11-28-2008, 05:00 AM
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I have blackouts that still haunt me to this day. As i work on my personal inventory and my amends I have been able to let go of many of them. Unfortunetly we will never know the real story and it sounds like your BF could use this against you. I think you said he drinks to excess also so he may just be covering his blackouts with your memories. I remember my DH (not alcoholic just would try to keep up with me) getting in fights with me and in the morning simply remembering we were mad at each other but not really knowing why. Kick him to the curb and start fresh, if he is holding it over head then the heck with him!
Can you tell the court you were blacked out? and now you are sober? It sounds completely embarrasing and humiliating but you wouldn't be the first nor the last. You are not as unique as you think
You just have to let go of what happened before and move foward. We can't change our poor behavior but we can live and learn from it. As your sobriety increases you will learn that those things are just that...the Past!
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Old 11-29-2008, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by beingjenagain View Post
I have blackouts that still haunt me to this day. As i work on my personal inventory and my amends I have been able to let go of many of them. Unfortunetly we will never know the real story and it sounds like your BF could use this against you. I think you said he drinks to excess also so he may just be covering his blackouts with your memories. I remember my DH (not alcoholic just would try to keep up with me) getting in fights with me and in the morning simply remembering we were mad at each other but not really knowing why. Kick him to the curb and start fresh, if he is holding it over head then the heck with him!
Can you tell the court you were blacked out? and now you are sober? It sounds completely embarrasing and humiliating but you wouldn't be the first nor the last. You are not as unique as you think
You just have to let go of what happened before and move foward. We can't change our poor behavior but we can live and learn from it. As your sobriety increases you will learn that those things are just that...the Past!
it is my first "official" offence - with the courts, i mean. i think the best thing is to get to a domestic violence counselor to talk to the legalities about the situation.

i'd rather just drop the charges because if i admit to a blackout, then i would most likely be ordered all kinds of mandatory alcohol counseling or community service, be fined, who knows what. i am in touch with friends in AA and Al-Anon and with this board, and other friends who have gotten sober on their own. i hope to attend a meeting Sunday. I have to work tonight. Sunday is my only day off and I work at night.

i am being as cheerful as possible at work with my co-workers and they are very supportive. and i am being supportive with them with their problems as well. it's funny how when you begin to open up more with people, you are able to help one another on a deeper level.

thank you everyone!
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Old 11-29-2008, 11:01 AM
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Good Question!

Sometimes the police have been know to frame people who admitted to having a black-out.

Just one more reason to stop drinking for good.
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Old 11-29-2008, 11:29 AM
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if you are having blackouts, how much can you believe about what people tell you?
I could never trust the reports I heard about my behaviour during blackouts....usually it was a lot worse....
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Old 11-29-2008, 11:38 AM
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I have found that sober or drunk everyone's memories are different and chnge over time.

If you stay sober, over time it will become apparent if your boyfriend "has issues"

There are many things that I must know but don't get to know.....

Wish you the best on your legal issues.:ghug
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Old 12-01-2008, 06:01 AM
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this is critical information that i must know for certain.

Well, you are in luck because you can COMPLETELY AND 100% know for certain what you say and do from now on, regardless of what others may say.

Stop the blackout drinking = no further problem.

(Are you possibly are making yourself appear like the 'victim' of others, when in fact you 'victimize' yourself through excessive drinking?)
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Old 12-01-2008, 08:29 AM
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Alcoholism is a progressive disease, for many years I would blackout when I drank a lot, the last 5 years of my drinking I blacked out almost nightly yet I never was really drunk, I had my teenagers take advantage of me more then once after they figured out I had no idea what I had said, done, or promised them in the evenings.

I have discovered that I have not had a single black out since I quit drinking.

You may never know what you did in that black out, all you can do is not have anymore to stay out of situations like this and the only way I can assure you of never having another alcohol induced blackout is to stop drinking.
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Old 12-01-2008, 08:35 AM
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thank you

there are so many angles to the blackout scenario. and they are all very scary.

bottom line, as many have said, i can never know the truth. stopping drinking is the only way.
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Old 12-01-2008, 09:22 AM
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shugabooga, in regards to court, honesty is the best policy.

If you try and invent something that you think happened and get caught in a lie then every thing you have testified to that is true becomes a lie!

If you honestly can not remember, then say so, if asked why tell the truth!

In court if you get caught in a lie then you not only have blown everything truthful you have said because your word becomes questionable on every thing, you could get convicted of perjury!

I am not sure when your court date is, but it can make a huge difference if you can testify in court that you have been sober since MM/DD/YYYY and have been in program XX.
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Old 12-01-2008, 09:54 PM
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Any 1 ever see Weekend at Bernie's ?

That was me. My friend's would haul me around blacked out or , passed out from place to place.

That's the main reason I'm here!

It's a terrifying thought to go around thru the course of a day sometimes longer with no memory of what occured.

I've heard stories of people coming to in different states and no knowledge of how they got there.
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Old 12-01-2008, 10:03 PM
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Post

Originally Posted by shugabooga View Post
it is my first "official" offence - with the courts, i mean. i think the best thing is to get to a domestic violence counselor to talk to the legalities about the situation.

i'd rather just drop the charges because if i admit to a blackout, then i would most likely be ordered all kinds of mandatory alcohol counseling or community service, be fined, who knows what. i am in touch with friends in AA and Al-Anon and with this board, and other friends who have gotten sober on their own. i hope to attend a meeting Sunday. I have to work tonight. Sunday is my only day off and I work at night.

i am being as cheerful as possible at work with my co-workers and they are very supportive. and i am being supportive with them with their problems as well. it's funny how when you begin to open up more with people, you are able to help one another on a deeper level.

thank you everyone!



The problems with the police in my life have stopped since, I no longer drink.

There are countless people that, are behind barss for crimes they have no memory of.

That in it self, is a very sobering thought!!
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Old 12-02-2008, 12:20 AM
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i am day nine sober. feel great about it.

the night we were both arrested, when it came time for his attorney to speak to me the next day, my BF wanted to drop the charges.

i was too afraid to do so because this is all so new to me. so i said no. now we both have orders of protection against each other. i am so glad to have this time to heal, think, reflect.

i realize now that i will just have to drop the charges or else be caught up in the legal system for weeks or months.

i do not want to fight him over this. maybe i did hit him in the head with something, but i know for sure that he bloodied my nose somehow and yanked out some of my hair. this was the fourth time he has been physical with me......and his temper tantrums and verbal abuse have been increasing since around the time that we signed a lease together. his drinking was spiraling out of control even though about two months ago I dried out for ten days and he never stepped back for a moment to notice i was any different.

i had admitted to him that i was having blackouts so he can use this knowledge against me in court and leave me in a big fat mess. he can accuse me of ANYTHING. luckily, i have a DV incident report on him already, in which i did not have him arrested, but at least i have it. i just don't have any witnesses. except maybe the neighbors upstairs hearing me screaming 'leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone' at the top of my lungs.

i am planning to leave the relationship. it will take a lot of planning and breaking of our lease, a lot of details that i have to be very secretive about.

i love him, but he has changed so much in such a short time that i think it must have been there all along and i just overlooked it. i only wanted to see good.
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