Pam08

I read alot of posts here, from the addict, the alcoholic and the family of addict/alcoholic's view. What it all seems to end with is that the addict or alcoholic has done all the damage. I hear they are the abusive ones, the mean ones, the ones who have ruined relationships, etc etc. Is it possible that the alcoholic is not the only one to blame. could it be that the spouse of the alcoholic is abusive (mentally and physically),controlling, lies, cheats, etc etc. and the alcoholic drank more and more and more to become numb from it?? I dunno, just a thought.
I am not saying that we do not play a part in the breakdown or the collapse of the relationship, as we did have a hand in it with being wasted, and not mentally there, but fully responsible for all the pain and anguish?
I know that alcoholics are all different, with different pasts, etc. I just hate to see everyone catergorized as the abuser....sometimes they can be the abused...
I can sympathize with anyone who has been abused in any way. There is nothing harder to get over then hurt, betrayal and loss of trust.

soarinhigh

Most of my relationships I was the abused.

Clutch B

We alcoholics tend to make insanely stupid decisions. Many of us choose to enter abusive relationships because the partner has something to offer. Maybe it's money, stability, or the ability to drink mostly hassle-free. We know we may have to put up with some trauma along the way, getting treated like trash, getting beaten. But we figure we can drink the pain away. And we do try to drink it away.

So yeah, not all alcoholics are the abusers. Not all men are the abusers -- women are abusive too.

But in short, I think that alcoholics choose to enter unhealthy relationships. When we stop drinking, we sometimes find these relationships intolerable.

They say "don't make any major decisions in the first year of sobriety", and that's a good idea. But if there's real abuse going on in the relationship, safety should always come first.

The most helpful book for me was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

(Of course not all partners of alcoholics are abusive ... nor are all alcoholics abusive ... etc)

Sugah

Oh, I definitely had a knack for attracting and being attracted to controlling, manipulative, abusive men. I don't think I had any relationships that ended with me solely to blame, but in recovery, I stopped blaming. In other words, when I got sober, I had to deal with my past wrongs--and allow others to deal with theirs. Or not.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

lisa t

Absolutely Sugah! Own what is yours to own....let the others take care of their wrongs! I'm still struggling with this sometime even now after 2 yrs...that is my character defect and I am dealing with it...but I have come to realize that when my husband is angry and spewing nasty things that I don't have to own his anger! This was not always the case....every time he got mad about something, I immediately thought it was my fault, sometimes it was and I need to own that part but not the rest. Getting better at this...some days better than others...but always making progress! Thanks for the post!!
Lisa

Pam08

wow, you hit something there. I did stay with him for the wrong reasons, security, stability, hmmm..guess i figured i could change him from the bad stuff. I need to do alot of growing up...with it written out, I can honestly admit to it......so stupid. I was needy that is it I guess in a nutshell..I will have to stew over this for a bit..
thanks

Stubborn1

I fought my ah because I didn't know how to beat alcoholism. I honestly thought I could beat sense into him. I would get so angry and lash out. IF it were a woman I would have crippled her. Since it was an invisible entitity I lashed out at him.
I am no longer that person but it is possible the other person could be the abuser. They think they are fighting against alcoholism and not realizing it's a disease. It's very sad adn that's why we get sick as well.
Hope this helped

Despair

I think it goes both ways.

Read the following about abusive relationships:
---------------------------------------------
What Is Abuse?
Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. Sometimes abuse can even seem flattering; think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Signs That You Are Being Abused:
Any type of unwanted sexual advances that make you uncomfortable are red flags that the relationship needs to focus more on respect. Phrases like "If you loved me, you would . . . " also should warn you of possible abuse. A statement like this is emotional blackmail used by people concerned about getting what they want. Trust your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:
-Harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punching
-Tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you say
-Frequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)
-Coerces or threatens to harm you if you leave the relationship
-Twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions
-Demands to know where you are at all times
-Constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends
---------------------------------------------------------------

Many of these points are strikingly similar to the actions of a co-dependent.

I believe alcoholism can end up turning a healthy relationship into an abusive one. Not because either person is actually abusive, but because the disease tends to bring out abusive behaviors in the people around them.

The alcoholic generally becomes self centered, doesn't think before they speak and act and can become very angry very easily. Not because he is actually an abusive person, but the because the alcohol renders him so.

The codependent will be controlling, possessive, manipulative, jealous and angry. Not because they are abusive, but because they feel their lives are spinning out of control and they need to try to regain control.

No one is being abusive because they want to be abusive. Alcoholism simply brings out the worst in people. It is truly a family disease. There are no winners. It ruins lives, it ruins relationships, it ruins families.

I believe people do and can get better. They simply need to want it badly enough.

Rainbowgirl128

no...alcoholics are not always the abusive ones. alcoholism can arise in the face of an abusive relationship. after all, people seek alcohol as an escape and being abused is certainly a situation people would want to escape from. just my experience working in a women's shelter. i met so many women who started abusing alcohol as a response to abusive partners and then became alcoholics. we are all a product of our experiences.

dennis72

My ex was pretty bad. She was a little and I'm an addict so I dont know who was wurse.

dennis72

shugabooga

even though my bf became physically abusive, i know that i had been pushing his buttons for a while and losing my temper a lot. i was fed up with him having no job and drinking 24/7.........gawd! i was definitely abusive! i am coming to terms with it slowly.

Tommyh

my wife used to be the one who got physically abusive ....to me.
she would go off the deep end when I drank and anything could happen.Throw plates,glasses,ashtrays,whatever was close.I`ve been hit with just about everything in the house that could be thrown at one time or another.She has pulled knives,and guns on me or my friends and run them off.She has beat on me with just about everything she could get at one time.Threatened to kill me more than once.Even told me she would have killed me if only she knew a way she could have done it and got by with it.She got mad & rammed my old truck with her car several times one day..
Now the insane thing is she was stone cold sober during all of this.She went to ala non one year before i got sober and then all of that stopped.
I was reading in the big book after I got sober and I rode over to my sponsors to talk with him.I asked about certain parts of the book I had read.
Is it my fault she was the way she was?I asked..
yea,
mainly, he said,but there had to be a little something wrong with her to be attracted to a guy like you in the first place...apparently I had a very funny sponsor..lol

9 years earlier she was a decent girl,but living with me, my drinking and other stuff made her that way

Latte

I used for a lot of reasons. One of them was that I was trying to escape the controlling behavior of my DH. His behavior is no longer my problem. "Go pout somewhere else" said very lovingly to DH opened up a great deal of doors for me.

I believe he is abusive but honestly I can control how I react to that.

Pam08

Wow, so many different sides to the same thing, abuse. I do believe that people do get attracted to a certain type, i was attracted to my husband, for reasons, stability, strength, powerful, etc and he was attracted to me, i was easily controlled, very giving, and forgiving, I guess being an alchy maybe and insecure, I fight it now tooth and nail, but for years I was like a worm..guess when they say there is someone for everyone, i get it....

Thank you all for your perspectives. Not always the addict that is soo abusive. It takes two to make or break a relationship.

sugErspun

In order to get free of this sort of thing - I had to put the wrongs of others completely out of my mind and see the part I played in the [insert abusive/damaging activity here]. There is a wonderful statement in Alcoholics Anonymous.

"we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us into a position to be hurt."

AND

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."

To find the beauty of those statements and experience the relief of knowing that NO ONE in the world had to change for me to get better is an experience that shouldn't be missed. But there is some action between stopping drinking and getting to that point.

Alcoholics Anonymous references taken from http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

BP44

This is a line of thought that will keep me a victim. That thought is that I'm the abused one. I loved being a victim. The world didn't treat me right, my boss, my family, friends etc. It's that kind of thinking that justified just about every drink I took. I had to find the truth in this and I found it in the first step and further in inventory and even more expanded in amends. Here's the truth for me....my drinking broke the hearts of every human being that cared for me. If I as employed, I was a lousy empoloyee. If I was in a relationship, I was a lousy spouse or significant other. If I was a friend, I was a lousy friend. I was shown that at my very best I brought chaos and confusion to all of these relationships. I was also given another great gift. That is even if you were an SOB and did me harm, I picked you. The path of the steps relieved me of being a victim. In particular, inventory asks me to disregard the other person entirely, and see where I was wrong. I have found that this is the only path to freedom for me.

good_luck

Hey there. Honestly, I just see alcoholism and abuse as two different things. My ex was an alcoholic, and he was also abusive. I don't take this to mean that the two are inextricably linked, but in his lovely case they sure were. At any rate, I don't see much point to tallying up which partner is more likely to be abusive, because in the end it is very much individual and personal.

What I will say is that this idea doesn't hold much weight with me:

Like I said, the two things are separate. Being in an abusive, unhealthy relationship didn't turn me into an alcoholic. It didn't make me drink more, and I see no usefulness in blaming one's choice in partner for behavior concerning substances.

Acknowledging abuse has taken place at the hands of someone you love(d) is very hard. It's tough stuff to work through, and I don't mean to diminish what a lengthy and emotional process that is. But if it is a device to take less responsibility for choices, actions, and behavior, then maybe there is more work to be done.