getr345

I have 52 days without alcohol and my good friend has 20. As alcoholics go, he had it way worse than I did, which is not to say my that my drinking was not out of control and very excessive, it was. It's just that his was much more extreme. Like drinking in the morning for example. Anyway, we were both chatting about relapse a couple nights ago and we are both 100% committed to never drinking again, and of course, avoiding the dreaded relapse. We both think we can do this without going through that.

However...

Everything I read and everyone I talk to seems to think that relapse is an unavoidable part of the alcoholism/recovery process, and that it's just bound to happen. Of course, we both want to prove this theory wrong, and make the first time the last time.

So, what the story on relapse? If a person spends their whole life boozing it up and then quits one day and never looks back and never has a relapse, was that person ever really an alcoholic to begin with? Is relapse unavoidable and is it really necessary to go through in the course of a true recovery?

What is the best way to avoid it?

tommyk

Relaspe is definitely NOT necessary.

Relapse is no part of the definition of an alcoholic.

Pam08

Relapse is not a part of recovery. I happens to some, but I have met quite a few in AA that never drank again after first time in AA. I think it is best if you keep a handle on your sobriety...AA is what is saving me, no relapses now. So, do not think it is necessary, for relapses get worse and worse...my last relapse was the worst experience in my life, I suggest avoiding that at all costs. The only good that came out of it is that I think it was finally my rock bottom...now i am on my way up..Keep up the great work your working it!!!

getr345

For some reason, I feel like people who succeed without relapsing don't get as much attention and as much credit as people who go back and forth in that all too familiar pattern. Obviously, those people appear to need more attention and help but do they really "deserve" as much credit as someone who makes their first quit their last? Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong, I dunno. I mean, sure it would be "easier" to get drunk a few more times, put a few more people through hell, and otherwise demand the continued attention of others before finally putting down the bottle for good. Ya, that would be typical, and that would be easy, and for most people it is. It happens, and people in recovery circles accept this as just par for the course, a part of all this. And people who don't do that get forgotten. People think, oh well, he must not have had a really bad problem, or as bad a problem as I had (have), or that person just has it under control and doesn't need help.

Well, we do.

This is hard and it's even harder making it stick the first time you try, but that's what I want to do.

Lily

Believe you me, I do not WANT that kind of attention. Look, I got clean and sober in 91 and did great for years. So great in fact I just knew I was healed and quit meetings until 98 when I started hanging out with a drinker and she kept offering me and kept offering me a beer. Finally I buckeled.

Since that day, i have had such a hard time stringing together more than one year. Since moving here and starting meetings I have only had one relaspe and for that I am soooo grateful. I have over 10 months now and see ppl come in and out of the rooms.

Remember you are dealing with a disease that could take you out that one last time and kill you. It happens all the time, ppl not making it back.

Relapse is NOT a part of recovery. Had I not relapsed, I would have 17 years. That would have been awesome!

Congrats on your clean time. Keep coming back! blessings, Sheila

Fishfin

You think so? I'm not so sure. I've been lucky enough to have not relapsed. I'm at 22 months and this is my first serious attempt to quit. The folks I have seen relapse over and over seem to have a more difficult time coming back, and it seems to get more difficult with each relapse. This is just an observation, and I could be wrong. I suppose there are a lot of variables.

getr345

I have heard from more than a few people that getting a good run of clean time AFTER a relapse is/was much harder than that first quit. I really wonder why this is. What is it about that first relapse that makes quitting again in the future so much harder than it was that first time?

This is something I need to understand & keep in mind moving forward.

Pam08

Getr345, I felt so much shame and guilt when i relapsed. I felt like a failure. I should have not relapsed in my mind. I praise ones who can do it first time around. To me they seem to be stronger,putting more into it and doing the right things..etc etc..I am now 22 days and so happy to have this time under my belt. I am looking forward to getting my first red chip. If I hadn't relapsed I would be heading to 90 days. But I can't look back, I have to keep looking foward..
Be proud to get it the first time, it isnt that relapsers should get the attention or ask for it, it is hard to say we relapsed, but I think that relapsers verbally release the guilt of failing outwardly, we have to be honest to all of you and to ourselves. Then we have the people who do not relaspse..they are only seen for the time of sobriety as they do not have to come in here and confess the horrible internal feeling of failure. Be proud of that. We always have to remember we are one drink away from being drunk.

jimhere

The idea that relapse is a part of recovery is a myth that has been sold to us by people that claim to be our friends. In fact it is plain ********.

Because of the nature of alcoholism, relapse will occur. But it isn't a part of recovery. But you need to know that you don't ever have to drink alcohol again in your life. Ever. Period.

The best way to avoid it is to give up the battle. You can't walk around on gaurd twenty-four/seven avoiding your next relapse. In fact, the idea of "relapse prevention" is something that has been sold to us as well.

I don't avoid it anymore. I am also not tempted. I don't fight drinking and I don't fight not drinking. The problem has been removed.
Jim


Jim

justanothrdrunk

For me, it was the shame and guilt associated with relapse. In my mind, I had made a promise to myself and others that my future behaviors would forever be different.

When I couldn't deliver on that promise, it was very difficult to go back and to face up to it again.

To answer your original question, I know plenty of folks in recovery who have never relapsed. I'm not one of them, but they are out there and aren't even all that rare.

hughs dad

Just don't relapse today. If you never relapse on the day you're living in, you'll never relapse... Sounds cheesy, but thinking I'll never drink again is a tall order. Staying sober for today is much easier....

RobbyRobot

Totally true.... relapse is not a part of recovery, and was never a part of my recovery; and my ES&H is that that relapse problem has been completely removed from my life, and i do not struggle with drinking or not drinking either. Amen.

RR

jimhere

I never said that won't drink again. I said that you wouldn't have to drink again. In fact, left untreated, there is a pretty good chance an alcoholic will drink again.

The idea of one day at a time is not about not drinking one day at a time. That is just one more myth that is spread in the fellowship. It is about giving up liquor entirely for good and for all and living one day at a time.
Jim

getr345

OK, I think I am starting to get it a little better.

In a very real way, this is as "easy" as it will ever get for me and for my friend, this first quit. That's the point, right? That it only gets harder once a certain barrier is passed, i.e. relapse, shame, failure, having to start all over...If I relapse, it will get harder in the future to quit again, OK I can see that now. I mistakenly thought that what I was doing was the "hardest" thing to do, when in fact, if I keep it up, it's the easiest path to the same place, which is a true lasting sobriety for life. The choice is with me and this wisdom is important. Do I want to keep it "easy" or make it harder on myself.

I know the answer.

RobbyRobot

It may seem like a tall order, and i understand the saying "never say never". However, a recovery program that has merit does not have a "relapse clause" built into it. No alcoholic, earnstly following a program, honestly living a sober life, should ever fear having to relapse. there is nothing to fear from alcoholism when one is living a sober life. And the fears that seem to come from sobriety will also be found to be nothing more than illusions. i never HAVE to drink again. i can always remain sober. that's how it works!

RR

Philly

Very interesting thread and I am looking forward to reading the responses. I question this all the time. I have never tried to quit drinking before. I am 49 and have been sober for 125 days. I did not have a problem with alcohol until about 5 years ago. I never drank every day but I drank all day on weekends. I have not lapsed (I think that is the proper term the first time) but because I used to drink occasionally at one point in my life I am not convinced I can't do it again. I think this is where the problem occurs. We think that we abstained for so long we can control it again. My sister who was as bad as it gets (1/2 gal of vodka every day for years) quit on her first time because the doctors told her if you drink again you will die. She is 10 years sober. You would think after seeing her that I would of not started drinking alcohollically. So here I go ranting again but definitely like the thread.

getr345

As many times I relapsed with cigarettes and nicotine patches, I must say this logic holds true. It got harder and harder after each failure to even try to stop, let alone stop for a while, or for life. Because of this, I'm actually somewhat more worried about a nicotine relapse because I've gone round and round with that in the past. I need to apply the lessons learned from this particular addiction (nicotine) and not make that same mistake again, this time with alcohol.

sugErspun

If alcoholism has a partial definition of "not being able to quit when one wants to quit"..then relapse is something we all share.

There is a post above that states "I've been lucky enough to have not relapsed. I'm at 22 months and this is my first serious attempt to quit." From this I gather that there were "less" serious attempts to quit in the past which resulted in failure. I don't know any alcoholics who just said "I am not going to drink anymore" and stuck to it the rest of their lives...going from abusive drinking patterns that affected the quality of life to straight abstinence. Part of this illness is that you want to quit, but can't seem to pull it off. So, I would say I have relapsed hundreds of times in my life (I swear off and then change my mind).

Then again - nowhere in the recovery from alcoholism do I find the requirment to drink again. That is found in the nature of alcoholism. I know plenty of people who have not had a drink since the day they came to AA...but there were many fruitless attempts prior to that.

Has anyone here just decided to quit and had it stick the first time? I know there is this variable of "serious" vs "not so serious", but I think everyone has had the experience of drinking again when they swore they never wanted to again.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, that's part of the point, i am thinking too. We should not kid ourselves though... sobriety is not "easy". Certainly the first two years of my sobriety were impossibly difficult and treacherous. The next three years my life smoothed out some and the next ten years were totally about living my life rather than "surviving" alcoholism. and all without relapse.

Alcoholism is cunning and lethal. I don't want to be a nag about this, so my advice here is never think its going to be "easy". That thinking can lead to dissapointment and always at the worst of times. The life of sobriety is easy compared to the life of alcoholism, that is true of course, and so many alcoholics are amazed at themselves when they found they took their own sobriety for granted and ended up back from whence they came. It can happen. Take care, my friend.

RR

Philly

I agree about the nicotine. I was told when I quit smoking 20 years ago that if I ever had one cigarette I would eventually go back to smoking daily. However my mind is telling me that it will be different with alcohol - go figure.

I was in inpatient rehab for 10 days and then IOP and they told me the first time was a lapse and then after that was a relapse but it seemed like many many people were there over and over again.

I really wish I could figure this thing out but it seems it is a question that is always being asked.