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Sobriety and keeping relatonship/marriage

Old 11-22-2008, 03:33 PM
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Sobriety and keeping relatonship/marriage

I looked at the forum for relationships, but didn't see blogging from the addicted. I am new in this but what i have heard, between here and AA is that most /alot of alcoholics split up with partner once they get clean/sober. I am heading in that direction I know.have been for along time, I just can't make a move right now. Is it because of getting clean or is it they realise they had lost the feeling for the other person once sober. I know for me, I drank and stayed numb..now I am not numb, and feeling it all, and the pain and hurt I feel loud and clear, I have come to terms that this relationship should never had been to begin with,,I hear how the addicts are the abusers, but I was not abusive to anyone, I drank alone. I did it to not feel anything. Just curious how many have split during this,,and how did it affect the recovery, did it help to take the plunge
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Old 11-22-2008, 03:44 PM
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Mine has been home a bit over two weeks now and it's tough. Since I am married to an addict I feel he stayed in the past while I had to grow up. I had all the responsibilities. I'm sure I have resentment.
No matter what relationship you have you have to reinvent yourself. Relationships die unless you grow with a person. Accept their changes. Alot of people don't realize they are doing it because it's gradual.
When you are back with a recovering addict you are meeting at two totally different places.
I know I feel like he hasn't felt the pain I felt and part of me wants to make him feel it. I know I can't. I have to find a place that's fair for him and myself if we want to make this work.
I'm not kidding when I say he has serious work cut out in front of him and I ask him almost every day......."are you sure you want me that bad?" because I don't know when I will trust him again or let down my gaurd. I'm really trying but it could be years.
I don't know this man, HE doesn't know him. Since I made the commitment to have children with this man and there is no abuse or addiction per se then I owe both of us and our children a shot at this sober.
I'm in no rush. My focus is my children. If I didn't have them then I probably would leave so we both have a better chance at happiness without so much work.
I hope I helped.
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:07 PM
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I have been sober a little over six months and I have been married a little over 9 years. My drinking was all done alone and at night. I just avoided him. I think we got in a pattern of avoiding eachother. I drank, he watched TV. I don't drink anymore but he still watched TV
Now I fill my time with other activities, meeting, exercise, writing, reading, posting here, etc.

He went to a couple Alanon meetings and did not feel it was for him. He says that he has let go of the past and does not have any resentments. I am not sure if that is true but I can not work on his recovery, only my own. I have encouraged him to see a therapist (maybe he is not comfortable in a group setting?) and he has been going for about 3 weeks now. I think it important for us both work on ourselves as well as our relationship. I began seeing a therapist when I first quit drinking and it has been a good addition to my recovery program.

I love my husband dearly and now I feel worthy of him. I do not know what our future holds, but I sure hope that it is together. I have a lot of work to do, with or without him, I know that.
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:10 PM
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Pam
from my experience, most new folks stay together after getting sober.
My wife and I did our breakups before I got sober.I was also told to go thru the steps before I made a major descision,which I did.
A basic rule of thumb I learned since is
if I am in a relationship stay in it and pray
if I am not in a relationship,don`t get in one and pray
of course if there is physical abuse people need to do what they have to


I was kind of emotionally numb when I got sober in 1988 and I really did not know what Love was.I was scared to let people close to me,including my wife.We took what was left of a wreck of a marriage and did the best we could.It kept getting better.Today,I see it was a good descision on both of us and we just celebrated 29 years of marriage on Nov 16th.It took a lot of work from both of us and a lot of scrafice.

it looks like you are wanting to leave by the way you made your post....
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:21 PM
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Pam, I will speak to my own experience and then I will speak to what I have observed in friends.

When I met my second husband he was an alcoholic, I was co-dependent and rarely drank. A lot of damage was done in a very short amount of time to me and my kids. I tried every way I could think of to get him to stop drinking as I was convinced that if he would just stop all our problems would be solved. I got more and more frustrated and basically adopted an "if you can't beat em join em" mentality. I started drinking too. Didn't change him one iota, just made it easier to ignore him when he was being hateful. I soon started outdrinking him.

Even so I realized I had to get us out of there. I realized what a mistake I had made and it didn't matter if he sobered up, the damage was done and there was no going back. Unfortunately when I moved back to Texas I brought back a Texas sized alcohol problem that almost destroyed me and my kids.

Fast forward to today. I am a little over four years sober now and I am married once again to another recovering alcoholic/addict with a similar amount of sober time.

Now on to what I have observed with those I know who have sobered up. Some have been able to salvage their marriages and have long term marriages and long term sobriety to show for it. I think a lot has to do with the circumstances - what exactly was the nature of the wrongs (abuse, infidelity, neglect, abandonment,lies), are both partners working towards recovery, do both people even WANT to salvage the relationship or has too much damage been done? I think it is a very individual thing. Each relationship has its own circumstances and each person their own breaking point.

Take me for instance. I have certain "non-negotiables" that are totally unacceptable to me and will not be tolerated. I spelled them out to my husband at the very beginning and will stick with them. One of them is infidelity.

I have probably rambled WAY too long so sorry and I will wrap this up now. I have read what you have written about your situation and I would encourage you to do whatever you have to do to keep you safe and sober.

Take care,
Kellye
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:38 PM
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Thank you for the responses. I have alot going on in my head nowadays...and only trying to concentrate on staying sober....just seems it happens alot..I guess it goes both ways..and yeah my situation isn't the greatest..
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Old 11-22-2008, 06:27 PM
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24 hour plan

This has helped me.

My sobriety is on a 24 hour plan, sometimes my marriage.

In the morning, I wake up and decide that I am going to be sober today.
In the morning, I wake up and decide that I am going to be married today.

And I live that day, sober and married to the best of my ability.

It works and removes all the internal conflicts that could otherwise weigh me down.
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Old 11-22-2008, 08:22 PM
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Talking I'm no expert at relationships

Your posting touched me. I read some great posts in reply to yours, but no one mentioned about not making any major changes in the first year (unless in cases of abuse). If we are working an honest program and working earnestly on our steps, things will most likely get better. This has been my experience anyway.

I am married for 22 years, due mostly to my generous husband who never left me in my YEARS of alcohol and drug abuse. I have 3 years, 9 mos sober now and things are good, mostly because I appreciate him and try to communicate and compromise. I just worry about my side of the street and he takes care of...Hell, I don't know what it is he does and frankly...it's none of my business.

I wish you the best. Put your program first and everything else will be first class. And pray!:codiepolice
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Old 11-22-2008, 09:17 PM
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Thank you, we have lots of issues, long time standing...I am doing it one day at a time.. dont believe we are going to stay together..I have issues with him, but I don't want to make any drastic decisions right now and I am not in situation to be able to move out.. so I am concentrating on me..i am being selfish..but i dont know what else to do..I need to get me in order no matter what all happens around me....glad your marriage turned out better..
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Old 11-23-2008, 05:42 AM
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Hi

I am 70 days clean/sober today. I am 2 weeks home from an 8 week rehab stay. I am happily married 24 years to my soulmate and 4 wonderful children.

My rehab stay rocked our world. I was where I needed to be. The denial was officially over. But I am still shaking off the denial of alcoholism and addiction. Stuffing my feelings, isolating, etc. I think she must be shaking off the denial of whatever codependency issues she has.

So the walls of denial have come tumbling down, and we are standing in the rubble. We love each other endlessly, but it's hard.

First things first...
Easy Does it..
One day at a time

Mark
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Old 11-23-2008, 06:47 AM
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I made alot of bad decisions when I was drinking. I guess you could say that my "decision-maker" was broken?

I had a tendency to get into relationships that were not healthy. And it wasn't necessarily the other person who was unhealthy -- it was also me. But they were the types of relationships that today, as a sober person who is trying to live a better life, I would not choose to enter.

I agree with what bballdad said:

Originally Posted by bballdad
A basic rule of thumb I learned since is
if I am in a relationship stay in it and pray
if I am not in a relationship,don`t get in one and pray
of course if there is physical abuse people need to do what they have to
I would also add "verbal abuse" to the physical abuse part, as verbal abuse precedes physical abuse and is just as psychologically damaging. It also has the power to make someone lose their identity ... which makes recovery especially difficult. A book that helped me was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It helped me to understand what was going on and how to respond.

Most important thing: If things get dangerous, get out -- whatever you need to do to protect yourself. There is nothing selfish about that.

And there is nothing selfish about recovery, imo. Keep feeding yourself nutritious, healthy recovery. Be good to yourself. But protect yourself too.
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:23 AM
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I've known folks who've done both--stay together or break up after one or both partners got sober.

I dissolved a seven-year relationship. It was the right choice for me because he considered my problem solely my problem, didn't think any of his "recreational" drug use should be an issue (in the treatment before the last, he called me to inform me that he was high as a kite--and that he, unlike me, could handle it), and felt I should do it alone (he insisted that I quit my job and come to work for him early on because he didn't like the influence of "outsiders" on our relationship, so meeting attendance would have been out of the question). The relationship was sick, sick, sick, and if I wanted to get well, I had to leave it.

I have two sets of long-married friends who got sober and stayed married. One couple separated, got sober the same day, and reunited about a year or so later. In the other, she got sober while he was still drinking, and over the course of a year, he made several attempts to get sober before it "stuck."

I also have a couple of friends who have been married decades, became seriously alcoholic during their marriages, got sober and their relationships are, according to them, better than ever. Of the two I'm thinking about, one wife is active in Al-anon, the other isn't.

Then I know quite a few folks who divorced or separated either prior to or after getting sober for various reasons: too much hurt and distrust, one partner needing but not ready for recovery, or (and this seems to be the big one) the change in the sober partner as a result of recovery was not acceptable to the other. Recovery doesn't always return a person to the person he or she was before the "onset" of alcoholism--it often helps create a person that didn't exist before.

Ultimately, from what I've observed, for a relationship to "survive" recovery, it has to have something worth saving, and both partners need to be involved or supportive of each other. If relationship difficulties are threatening to sobriety, it's probably difficult or impossible to salvage it whether the alcoholic partner(s) stay drunk or get sober.

Just my thoughts...

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 11-23-2008, 10:00 AM
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Alot to think about in these last posts...I think I am going to be someone totally different, if I get to be where I want to be eventually
thanks to all of you,.
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Old 11-23-2008, 10:27 AM
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What I have noticed over the years.

Most relationships / marriages end when one of the two parties sobers up and starts to grow, and the other half doesn't.

You may feel one way now.. but like others have said.. go through the process of recovery and then re-evaluate your marriage.

Wish you the best
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