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Sober without professional help/ group meetings?

Old 11-21-2008, 07:52 PM
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Question Sober without professional help/ group meetings?

Hello everyone,

I've been dating an active alcoholic for some time and was hoping I could get some insight here from people that would understand what he goes through.

My Abf has told me he wants to quit drinking and I've been trying to be really supportive. I suggested aa and/or outpatient treatment/counseling, but he said he doesn't believe that treatment/ counseling would help (as he tried that before - court order) and aa is not for him. He said he wants to quit on his own. He's been trying... but it's not really working... he quits for a few days and then relapses again.

I'm to the point where I don't think he really wants to quit, because if he really did he would do anything he could to get sober (go to group meetings to get support and/or try treatment). He has been cutting back lately by staying sober a few days a week or not getting completely wasted everyday... but needless to say he still drinks way too much (and I fear it's just a matter of time till he starts drinking heavily every day again).

So, I was just wondering how many of you actually were able to get sober without any kind of treatment/ group meetings? Do you think he really wants to quit drinking if he won't even get help?
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Old 11-21-2008, 08:18 PM
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I can't really speak for him. But for me, trying to get sober on my own was important step toward getting help. I had to learn that I couldn't do it by myself, and I had to learn that fact the hard way.

Alcoholics are literally mentally & physically obsessed with alcohol. Part of the mental illness is believing that we can eventually drink like normal people -- if we just try this trick or that idea, then everything will work and we won't be alcoholics anymore.

Nobody wants to admit that they're hopeless and completely unable to save themselves. Alcoholics will try anything and everything before we finally admit complete defeat and ask for help.

If he is not ready to ask for help, then he may still be clinging to the insane idea that he can fix this himself, and he just keeps trying, he will be able to drink like a normal person. He can't be persuaded otherwise. There is nothing you can do or say to convince him. He has to learn this the hard way. (Alcoholism is insanity -- you can't reason with an insane person.)

If he's someone that you plan on staying with "for better or for worse", you may want to consider going to AlAnon (support for family & friends of alcoholics). Since there is nothing you can do to cure him, at least you can do things to help yourself.
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Old 11-21-2008, 08:19 PM
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Hello.
Have you been attending Al anon for your personal well being?
I found that immensley helpful when 2 of my children were active
in their various addictions.

People do get sober without help
I've met 2 or 3 in my lifetime.
I know hundreds of recovered AA members.

I wanted and needed every assistance I could find.
I sure hope he can work something out soon.

Blessings to both of you
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Old 11-21-2008, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Lotus2008 View Post
Do you think he really wants to quit drinking if he won't even get help?

WELCOME!!!

Answer to your question, IMO, is no. They will tell you what they think you want to hear to get you off their back. Typical alcoholic/addict behavior.
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Old 11-21-2008, 08:55 PM
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What if he says he will get help and does? Do you still turn your back??
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:09 PM
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I wasn't an alcoholic but a binge drinker. When I did drink I didn't know when to stop. I did stop on my own. It was starting to cause problems, I realized that and quiit before I was a statistic. I'm rare. I also had three children I had to raise on my own and knew I had no right to do this to their mother.
I no longer drinnk.
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:19 PM
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Angry

So, again, I ask, if you get help, is it the right thing for you to turn your back? If you are in a program, doing what you can, and you are still told you are worthless??? I am struggling with this now.
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by howharditis View Post
So, again, I ask, if you get help, is it the right thing for you to turn your back? If you are in a program, doing what you can, and you are still told you are worthless??? I am struggling with this now.
I'm sorry you are struggling!

I don't know your story, so I'm not sure what exactly you are refering to... do you want to share?

I for one have been trying to be supportive and I don't think I said I was going to turn my back if he was to get help... I'm still hoping he will get to the point where he will seek help and will be able to get and mantain sober!

If you're being told you're worthless while in recovery (or even when not in recovery) maybe you should take a good look at your relationship and ask yourself if it is helping or actually harming you? Again not sure what your story is... so it's hard to respond!
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Old 11-21-2008, 09:50 PM
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Thank you all for your responses.

Clutch B - thank you so much for the insight... what you described sounds a lot like him!

I haven't gone to an Al-Anon meeting yet... I'm not really a group kinda person (I do better one-on-one)... but I'm sure if things get really bad and I get to a point where I need group support I will go. For now I will just be posting here and research more about alcoholism and codependency online.
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Old 11-21-2008, 10:06 PM
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Carol made a good point.

And just my two cents - a binge drinker IS an alcoholic.
It's not about being able to delay that drink.
Or put it off.

It's about what happens when you HAVE that first drink.
You can't stop.
Alcoholism is about not being able to stop.
Something happens in the brain
and it's off the cliff with the foot on the gas.
Binging is just going over the same cliff
with the foot on the brake.

Back to the original post -
So, I was just wondering how many of you actually were able to get sober without any kind of treatment/ group meetings? Do you think he really wants to quit drinking if he won't even get help?
I couldn't.
Not drinking and sobriety are two completely different things.
From what I read, it doesn't sound very hopeful about his committment right now.
I think Carol has the best idea...
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Old 11-21-2008, 10:43 PM
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howharditis....Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum

You might want to begin a new thread to introduce yourself
and let us know what is going on with you.

That way ... more members will see you
and be able to share information and support.

You sound upset and thats a shame..Hug

Last edited by CarolD; 11-21-2008 at 11:36 PM. Reason: Typo
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Old 11-21-2008, 10:47 PM
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Well....
I haven't gone to an Al-Anon meeting yet... I'm not really a group kinda person (I do better one-on-one)... but I'm sure if things get really bad and I get to a point where I need group support I will go. For now I will just be posting here and research more about alcoholism and codependency online.
How ironic...neither of you are getting
the assistance that is available.
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post
Well....


Are you aware that is exactly what you are fussing about
his lack of progress?
yes, I know!

But this is where I'm at right now... I guess I haven't hit MY rock bottom yet. I have made the first steps in getting help for myself though... and I think reading about alcoholism and codependency, posting here, and thinking about things/ reflecting on myself is all I need for now.

Thank you for pointing that out ... It's definetely something to think about!
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:06 PM
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I tried to do it on my own and couldn't. I got help. I tried counseling but the only thing that has kept me clean and sober is AA/NA.

Part of my sobriety is also attending Al-Anon. I want to help the other A's in my life and it never worked out for me. Now I help myself and I feel so much better.
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:08 PM
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Welcome to SR Lotus.....I tried for years to stop on my own, hundreds of times, with good intentions, but I was unable to. I didn't want to do AA or rehab..etc etc...but then my life was so bad that I had no choice to get help...I feared /hit my bottom. That is when and only when I got help. I can't speak for him, I just can tell you about me...I have heard of dry drunks..someone who is dry, but still acts likea drunk...I truly believe in AA, even though I am just in the early stages, it is going to change my life..i feel i have gone home there... Good luck and take care of you, ,alanon..I hear is wonderful...so much support, from people going thru the same stuff as you...keep posting..we are here for ya.

Hey howharditis, I am so glad you posted here. I wish you would elaborate more..I get that your being told you are worthless?? For being an alcoholic? This is a disease that hits the best of people. You are not worthless. Who ever is saying things like that is being really hurtful, possibly they are hurting and resentful and trying to make themselves feel better. It is wrong, no matter what the reasoning. I have no idea who would say this to you or why, but you need to keep positive and concentrate on your sobriety. You are getting help that shows so much will and courage on your part, it is not an easy road, but it will be a worthwhile ride. Please introduce yourself to SR there is alot of caring loving people here..Your not alone in this, and you being here is wonderful, post how you are doing ....Hugs for you.
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Old 11-22-2008, 01:04 PM
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I believe there is a difference between dry and sober. I can not drink any more and be dry but to be sober I need to look into myself and see what got me to my low point and how can I help to make my life better. I don't have alot of major issues but recently while working my steps it all started to make sense to me. I could see my part it this, I was able to stop blaming, and I could see the way to a happier, more fufilled and sober life. Also noone can make another person get sober it must be found on their own.
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Old 11-22-2008, 01:08 PM
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I can only speak from 2 weeks of sobriety and so much more recovery is here from others, but I tried many groups (AA, Rational Recovery, Smart Recovery, Moderation Management) and groups just did not work for me, and right now I am sober with help from my partner, a good friend, my journal and this e-community right here. I suggest reading "Sober for Good" for an idea of how many people have gotten sober some with groups, some with others; a caution on that book is that the author considers "sober" as a category that can include some drinking but I don't really see it that way.

For me going it alone (without a support system from others) DID NOT WORK - I needed friends and my husband as support. And now I have this group for support which is immensely helpful.

Today is day 15 for me and it is really wonderful - I am so grateful to this group.
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Old 11-24-2008, 01:04 PM
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Of course he can quit on his own. In fact, most people who quit do so on their own.
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Old 11-24-2008, 02:26 PM
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Well, I got "clean" without AA, but I did find it to be a wonderful support structure for staying clean.
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