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Questions about alcoholism

Old 11-20-2008, 04:02 AM
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Questions about alcoholism

Hello,

I recetnly joined SR an dhave been posting in the friends and family section for the last couple of weeks.

I am not an alcohlic, but dated one until a month ago. He was supposedly in recovery when we were together, but is now actively drinking. We dated for almost 4 years and were supposed to be engaged this winter. In a nutshell, I am temporarily away from him at grad school and he has told me for months about steps he was taking to stop drinking. Daily he would tell me about treatment and seeing his therapist. Last month I discovered that he was in fact still drinking and dating a new woman behind my back. They drink together and apparently got engaged after a two month courtship.

One day last month he just quit calling me, taking my calls or responding to emails. I had no idea what was going on, so I emailed his friends and found out what he had been up to. He has yet to face me. All these years and no word or explanation.

I am left to sort this out alone. Al anon is helping some, but I keep coming back to the same couple of questions: "Why did he do this? Why lie? Why wouldn't he stop drinking? What is the thinking behind these choices?" He went to rehab in 2006 and has gone to treatment off and on since then. He told me that he wanted to stop drinking, and was committed to quit. I don't expect anyone to know the answers to these questions, but thought that someone might have insights or be able to explain to me why someone would go through the motions and to the trouble of lying for a long time about quitting or continue in our relationship under false pretenses?

Alcohol has ruined his life. He hasn't worked or had a driver's license in years. His circle of friends has diminished and the quality of those people has gone from nice to users. I am 32 years old, have been his friend for 11 years, his girlfriend for the last 4, and he betrayed me for a 43 year old woman with shady character who he had known for only a couple of months. I don't get it. None of this makes sense to me.

I have read about alcoholism, but still can't get passed the "why" question. Why not quit or just be honest about drinking?
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:24 AM
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All I can tell you is how it was for me.

I have a long history of taking both the geographical cure and the romantic cure. In other words, when I was either a) facing too many consequences or b) backed into a corner and expected to deal with those consequences, I'd either leave the state or change romantic partners. And I use the word "romantic" lightly. We don't have relationships; we take hostages.

Bottom line: neither maneuver worked. Eventually, I had to face myself.

I'm sorry you're suffering because of his alcoholism. Al-anon is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, I'm in grad school, too, and I know how difficult it can be to focus when those we love are living in chaos. You have my prayers.

Peace & Love,
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:41 AM
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Thank you Sugah. I appreciate the insights. Good luck on exams.
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:48 AM
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Very sorry that you are going thru this. I can only speak for myself and my actions. I wanted to stop drinking for years, I felt guilty every "next morning", promised myself that this is it, never again...I tried to control it, just one or two drinks, drink something else not my alcohol of choice..I promised to quit drinking...BUt none worked. it Had control of me, my mind and body. Not until the drinking started really messing up my brain making me nuts did I realise I had to quit..and even then I relapsed..each relapse episode got worse and worse, the last one I realised I either stop the insanity or end up dead or in a nut house.....what I am telling you is that he will not quit until he really wants to insidenad that occurs I think when we hit our own rock bottom, what ever that may be for each of us. WE lie about drinking, we have to...we hide it..we really in our hearts don't want to hurt people or even let someone down..alcohol controls us in ways that is hard to explain. He could have walked away knowing he couldn't do it...when he found an enabler, a person to share the lifestyle he is unable to get rid of..it is much easier for him to do that right now..then to face something he is not ready to face. well enuf of that..I hope that makes sense..
I think that he has done you a huge favor, saved you from taking the plunge and possibly marrying him, living with him, it would in time caused you more hurt and pain then you are going thru now..keep going to alanon, keep posting. talk about your feelings, SR is here for you when ever you need us...Stay positive, life will get better...we all have to keep that thought or life can crush us to pieces. Sincerely Pam
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:52 AM
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Hello :-)

I remember not to far back when i did similar things. I date a girl and promise her the moon and the stars, but i meant it, because its what i really wanted. Of course i couldnt keep those promises due to being controlled by alcohol. Eventually id ruin things somehow and find i coudnt face the girl, for shame No1 and 2, not wanting a blasting which i deserved. All the time i drank i was in denial about almost everthing bar thinking that drink was my main concern. I wanted good things, sure but i never capable of being consistant with things other than getting drunk.
Its possible that distancing himself from you is his way of being honest with who he is at the moment. I know things hurt but, perhaps you do yourself a favour by not taking it personally. As sad as it sounds, drinkers go where the drink is. At least i did, but, when i had my moments i was completely gutted about who i was hurting.
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Old 11-20-2008, 06:51 AM
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Thanks Pam and Stimmed.

I see the trend of avoidance in each post. That falls in line with other areas of his life he avoids. I am just shocked that he would avoid me. I am learning (slowly) to let him go. Alanon is teaching me about letting go and putting to focus back on me.

When someone goes to recovery, do they apologize even years later to people they hurt when drinking?
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Old 11-20-2008, 07:00 AM
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Hey MissFixit, If someone goes into recovery and joins the AA way, yes we put all our wrongs down on paper, we confide in another human being of our wrongs...and then step 9 i believe..i am not there yet..we make amends to those we have wronged...only when it will not cause more harm....It is the 12 steps of AA...you can pull that up on the internet...AA 12 step and see .....But he has to want it...and want it more then anything and give up anything to have it......i truly believe we have to hit our own rock bottom to make that decision to desire and want it more then anything....
Keep working on yourself .....that is what is important and only thing you should worry about, if and when he decides to get help it will have to be for himself, not for you or anyone else.....he will either get help eventually or he will die from it...we have two choices..that is it....God bless and keep doing for you and your sanity...
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Old 11-20-2008, 09:57 AM
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Here's the rub:

I don't know why I did those things/lied about things either.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:18 AM
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This was posted in the F&F Of A's forums yesterday. Hate to say it but it rings very true for me. The only tools I have for dealing with my disease is what the program of AA and God provide for me. If I don't pick them up and use them every single day, the insanity will eventually return.

What Addicts Do


My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:27 AM
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That was a powerful letter...thanks for sharing it
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:38 AM
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Thank you. I really appreciate the honesty of your posts. Honesty on SR, in alanon and from several friends is helping me. Thanks, again.
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:31 PM
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I'm not sure my answer is going to be what you want to hear but here goes.

I'm an alcoholic and I have never - and would never - treat anyone like that. I have a lot of self hatred for the lack of control I have shown over the years with drink (2 to 3 bottles of wine a night - every night - with very, very little time off in between) but my destructive behaviour hurt me mainly. Sure my wife worried about what I drank and nagged me to stop (in this sense I hurt her I guess) but I meant it (mean it) when i say I love her and I never cheated on her.

Take Taz as another example (I hope he doesn't mind?) He abused alcohol and is an alcoholic. But he held his marriage together for all that time.

I think that some people use the drinking as an excuse for an appalling lack of morals and consideration. Drinking numbs the senses and lowers inhibitions but it can't be used to totally excuse anyones behaviour or lack of empathy to those we are supposed to love.

I'm afraid from my perspective he sounds like he would be a loser drunk or sober. Sorry - but there it is.
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:40 PM
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Miss Fixit:

All I can tell you is that I lied and cheated while using. I still don't know exactly why, but it happened. Cheating on your relationship is a telltale sign of a addict.
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Old 11-20-2008, 05:11 PM
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Why? Alcohol is number 1, that's it. Nothing else matters. Finding it, digesting it, self loathing, hang over and back to the beginning. Until they are close to death or have lost everything they probably will not quit. Even then, they die.

Sometimes we do not want to accept the simple answer. That's alcohol, it's a disease that takes out the alcoholic and those around it.
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Old 11-20-2008, 05:26 PM
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I can't speak for him, but personally -- I often drank because I felt guilty for hurting people I loved. Of course, drinking made things worse because I hurt them more. Eventually the guilt and self-hatred grew into an avalanche that I couldn't control. I got into a state of "things are too screwed for me to fix" so I gave up and tried to drown it all in alcohol.

But like someone said, he probably doesn't even know why he's making those choices. Alcoholics/addicts are insane people, and they don't always make sense.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you ... It's not your fault. I hope that AlAnon can help you through this.
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Old 11-20-2008, 05:40 PM
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@Gettingsober, no offence but i think maybe you forget peoples individuality. Personally i think, yes there is an excuse, and that is... the disease of alcoholism that contributes to an affected persons dicision making.
Of course, this is my opinion. Again, no offence :-)
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Old 11-20-2008, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Last month I discovered that he was in fact still drinking...

One day last month he just quit calling me, taking my calls or responding to emails...
If he is still drinking then he is doing you a favor by staying out of your life.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and he will only get worse. You are better off not being in his path of destruction when (not if) it happens.
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Old 11-21-2008, 06:24 AM
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Gettingsober when it came to the ladies I was far from being a saint, especially with my first wife, there are a ton of amends to ladies, that I am willing to make but will probably never get to make due to black outs, numbers, forgotten names, unknown names, and locations from coast to coast. I traveled a lot over the years.

Yes I did hold my second marriage together......... barely though. My dealings with the ladies was me, I accept full responsibilty for that, drunk or sober, remove the alcohol from the equation and the only difference with the ladies would have been fewer ladies. Cheating is cheating straight up!

Would I cheat on my wife today? NO!!!!! But, I am a changed man, I am not the dog I was in my past, I have made amends to those I can, my present wife and I have worked things out.

My side of the street is as clean as I can keep it today, I accept full responsibilty for all of my past and will never use my alcoholism as an excuse for it, it is part of it, but not an excuse for it..... I did what I did.
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:57 PM
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Thank you everyone. I said it before, but I do appreciate hearing from people who have been in that situation. It helps me to not take it so much as a slight against me. Although, it feels like it is.

As far as my situation goes, I feel that no matter how weird/uncomfortable it might be in the future (even years down the road), I would like an apology or some form of acknowledgement. I know not to expect it.
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Old 11-21-2008, 04:52 PM
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I hope you can let go of the resentment you feel. I know I have alot of resentment towards my husband..I am going to do the steps to get over them, hopefully, just what I have been told..I just know that resentment towards someone whom has hurt you is not good..I have years of it.....I do not know if alanon has any kind of steps?? if they do..or even if not..try to not hold the resentment...i know it is not healthy...i lhave lived with it for 10 years...all bottled up..goodluck
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