sodetermined

I generally post in the Family/Friends Forum, but I am struggling with trying to understand my ex-abf and his actions. I know it's important to focus on my own recovery, not so much his, but I find myself getting stuck on wondering why he does the things he does, and if he really doesn't care.

We were together for 3 1/2 years, he is an A, who can be verbally abusive (was physically abusive, twice....this was when he was addicted to meth...which he did quit using), he liked to "bully" people.....pick on people (only he called it "joking"). He was in a lot of trouble during the last 3 1/2 years, he was in a probation center twice, jail once.....he lied, destroyed any trust we had a long time ago. Anyway, we went through the same story many of us have....ups and downs, he would try to quit, but never with any program. I stuck by him through everything. Towards the end, I feel like I wasn't giving much to the relationship at all, mainly I think because I didn't have anything left to give, I had lost myself.

I am codependent, and tried very hard to detach with love, but just couldn't do it, mainly I think because of the raw emotion, and he was still continuing down his own destructive path. The final straw for me was when I decided to go to my first Al-Anon meeting, only to come home and find out he was at the bar....to me that said it all....so I kicked him out. I had done this before, but he would always call me and beg me to come back...always wanted to work things out and would always make promises to change.

Anyway, two days later, he asked a girl out on a date. To my knowledge, they are still seeing each other. I found out from a friend of mine, that he was honest with her, told her he didn't treat me right, was abusive, had a drinking problem, and had no license. This new girl just got out of an abusive relationship and said she won't put up with any "bull-sh--". They went to a bar on the first date. I'm sure that she, like me, is thinking she will be the one to change him. I sure wish I knew then what I know now.

When I met Chris, he was in the process of a divorce...but for the first 8 months of our relationship, any time we would have a problem, he would call his ex-wife and try and get back with her......her and I are still friends, and she said he will do the same to me, but he hasn't. He has called a couple of times....for other reasons, but to my knowledge is still with her.

Do A's just forget about us? I feel so hurt that it's like his life has gone on and he has forgotten all about me, all about us.

Does he really, honestly think that everything was my fault, and not remember anything good that I did?

How can he just replace me with someone like that? I do not understand, I am trying to wrap my mind/heart around it and I just can't seem to get it.

This girl really isn't the type of girl that Chris would usually date.....I don't get it.

Can anyone here give me any thoughts on if he really just doesn't care?

CarolD

Well...
I'm really glad he is your ex...
he sounds totally toxic to me.

...You know the 3 C's I bet.

Time for you to let go of dead dreams
and enjoy a healthier future.

Pam08

I am an alcoholic and reading your post I don't think I could connect with it completely, as I am the alchy and my husband is not. But I have been in an abusive relationship for along time, mental, physical...and I stayed in it and am still here. I am sober now..16 days and counting, and putting this my first priority. It is not healthy for anyone to live with emotional and physical hurt and pain. It is not he has forgotten about you, he is still actively drinking so it is easier for him to move on then to maybe face his conscience. I do not know for sure. we are all different, only thing I have in common with him is alcohol. I can only tell for my own experiences. We play the blame game, we tell ourseleves it is others fault we are like we are. I was also a runner and would run away from anything that was not right for me. He is not good for you now and I believe he has done the best thing for you..and that was to move on. It takes time to get over relationships, but think of the pain and the hurt...you deserve much more then that. Take care and post , want to know how you are doing. God bless

sodetermined

Yes I do. I know that I can't fix him, I think maybe I contributed with my codependent ways, which is the only thing I can fix. I'm just trying to understand how he is acting like his life is just peachy now. The last time I talked to him he was so cocky and acted like he was absolutely fine. I feel like he has just left and left me to pick up the pieces.

Congratulations, Pam08, that is awesome!!!!!

He does tend to run away from any conflict/problems, he would rather drink and try to forget about his problems than deal with anything. He used to leave for weekends at a time to go party/drink and then when he came home he would apologize and I was supposed to act like everything was fine and never even mention anything about it.

I have been told that this woman doesn't care if he drinks.....which was always an issues for him and I. I would attempt to try and control the drinking, so I'm sure he is able to drink more now. But at some point, doesn't he wake up in the morning, even if he had been drinking the night before.....and feel the pain and realize all he has lost? I know that Chris loves me, at least as much as an alcoholic can love someone, and I know he has to be missing our home, our life.

AW2486

If he is anything like me .. you can only hope that some day he finds sobriety. When I was drinking I was tossing hand grenades everywhere destroying all of the people that cared for me the most. I did not care.. the only thing I cared about was booze.

In AA we call that a spiritual malady. He is spiritually sick. Does that mean he deserves special treatment? Absolutely not. Is it still OK to feel love towards him.. You bet.. And by the actions you took, that is love. He may not see it now, hopefully some day he will.

Praying for you
Hang in there !

Andy

Astro

Sounds to me like you're trying to make sense out of an alcoholics behavior. My ex tried to do that for years, it nearly drove her insane trying to figure me out.

I can't say that I ever forgot all about her, even now. But without recovery I would've kept drinking and burying or denying my part in any of the chaos.

Again, if I was active in my disease I'd be pointing the finger rather than acknowledging and making amends for my part. And no, I never forgot about the good things my ex did. But anger and resentment kept me from admitting there was ever anything good about our marriage.

Even in early recovery I was looking for someone to fix me, I walked into AA looking for a date that was as sick as I was. Thankfully I didn't find anyone. Well, not really. I came pretty close but I'm grateful it didn't work out.

I don't think he doesn't care about you. What I remember is being so scared, confused, ashamed, and disgusted with my life that I wanted to drink myself into oblivion and sweep my past under the carpet. It was impossible to be a caring individual when the only person I selfishly cared about was myself.

sodetermined

Thank you so much for all the replies. And I know it's hard to make any sense of what A's do, and when I was with him, I was going crazy, I knew I needed to get out of the insanity.

Thanks Astro....so in his mind, this girl might fix him. She's a nice girl....but even if she "lets" him drink, sooner or later, this charm he's pouring on right now will subside, and his true personality will come through. And I guess since he no longer has me to blame, he will blame her for his problems.....or drink to forget he has any.

Pam08

Very well put, we blame what is infront of us, we have to. we drink and if your not in the picture we have to blame the one who is. It is horrible to think we are like that but we are when we are actively drinking. Hopefully he finds sobriety sometime, ,,but that is his problem. you need to do for you, You were good enuf to try and help him now you can put all that energy into yourself...you deserve happiness!!!

We do not have mean and cruel intentions deep inside, the alcohol has warped our minds and stolen our souls, swallowed us whole, it is a fight to come back and can, only if we want it bad enuf.

Astro

Very well said, and while I'm sure she's a nice girl, it takes a person with a disease of their own to have a relationship with an alcoholic.

Are you still going to those Al-Anon meetings, working with a sponsor and taking the Steps towards your recovery? CoDA meetings are excellent too. My fiance and I attend one together every week, it helps us to understand each other's disease.

sodetermined

I am not attending meetings, I have only went to one. I am doing my own step work (I am using the outline that is posted on SR), and I attend Celebrate Recovery (which is a 12 Step Program also, only Jesus is the HP).

I do need to get to a meeting because I think the face to face support would be helpful.

Ago

just wanted to say great thread

I find F2F meetings an indispensable part of my recovery

Boleo

To me that says it all to.

Astro

If you're attending Celebrate Recovery, IMO you're going to meetings. Glad to hear you're doing that.

tennis71

Welcome and thanks for posting.

Remember that we A's do not act rationally when we are using. Trying to understand our behavior will drive you crazy.

Why do you have so much information about his first date with another woman? I think that instead of keeping tabs on him you need to talk to a someone in Celebrate Recovery or even Al Anon and work the steps.

Stop focusing on him as that leaves no time to focus on you - you're the one who is important!

sodetermined

Well, I live in a small town. Ironically, the woman that he is now seeing is the sister of my very best friends' good friend. Whew, that was a lot. So, through gossip, basically, my very best friend got to hear all about their first date, and then she called and asked if I wanted to know about it.

Curiousity got the best of me on that day, and I agreed to let her tell me about their date. I mean, mind you, it was just a week after we broke up. It HURT, a lot, and I even asked her not to tell me anything else that she might hear (unless it was news that she kicked him to the curb, lol). But looking back, I am glad that I now, because he is just doing the same thing to her right now that he did to me 3 1/2 years ago, saying the same things.

And I really am trying to put the focus on myself, and work my own recovery. It just seems that these thoughts/feelings of him just forgetting about me, and replacing what we shared with some random woman is keeping me stuck, it hurts, and I thought maybe if I could understand it a little better, that I could move past it.

Thanks for all your replies here today!